What is the purpose of life insurance? Is it to pay for a funeral or to cover lost income or to help survivors start over?
A widow struggling with that question turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Icy-Sun6781 asked:
“AITA for not giving my late husband’s mom any of the life insurance money after she paid for his funeral?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I were both in our early 40s, married for 6 years, when he passed away suddenly a few months ago. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever faced, and honestly, I’ve just been trying to survive each day since.”
“Right after he died, his mom (my MIL) stepped in and insisted on paying for all the funeral expenses. I was completely out of it, just in a fog, and really grateful for the help.”
“Here’s the thing: I totally forgot that my husband had a small life insurance policy through my job. I only remembered it recently and filed a claim, getting a payout.”
“It’s not a huge amount of money, but enough to help me move back across the country to be with my family and maybe put something down on a modest home so I can start over.”
“When my MIL found out about the insurance payout, she flipped out. She’s demanding I pay her back for the funeral costs and accusing me of ‘using’ her son.”
“She’s said some really hurtful things, calling me selfish and implying I’m somehow profiting off his death. But she offered to pay for the funeral, and I truly didn’t know about the insurance money at the time.”
“She and my husband were not that close at all. I feel like she offered to ‘make up’ for all of the sh*tty things she put him through by offering to pay expenses, but that may still be the resentment in me coming to the surface.”
“I don’t want to be greedy or selfish, but I really could use every penny. I’m still so broken over losing him, and the thought of being called heartless just adds to the pain.”
“I know she’s grieving too, but I’m trying to do what’s best for me to heal and move forward.
“So, AITA if I don’t give her the money?”
“I’m already barely holding it together and just need a chance to rebuild my life.”
“She offered. I said yes. Had she not offered, I would have paid out of pocket, still not realizing that I had the policy.”
“I now realize that I do and would like to use it to move back home. I’m not rich by any means, but she is much more well off than I will probably ever be & that’s okay.”
“Nor is it an excuse not to pay her back, but I truly NEED the funds.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I think I may be the a**hole if I do not give my MIL the money back that she paid for funeral expenses, but she offered, and the insurance payment recently received is barely enough for me to move across the country and start over.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment, with most deciding everyone sucked (ESH).
“ESH. When you found out that you were going to be getting a payout from the insurance company, in my opinion, you should have let her know and offered to pay her back for the funeral expenses.”
“Whether she chose to accept it or not is up to her, but I think the right thing would be to at least offer, even if some time had passed by that point.”
“Sounds to me though like she said some pretty cruel stuff, seems like she crossed the line. On the plus side, you probably won’t have to talk to her ever again anyways.” ~ Tdluxon
“Oh, my dear, you are in grief fog. It’s a real thing and also called widow’s brain or grief brain. Trust me, I know all about it. I lost my husband several years ago now, and the first year (longer, really) is mostly a blur or fog to this day.”
“Please don’t beat yourself up for not having the mental, emotional, or physical strength to deal with some things. This will go on for some time, but I promise that one way or another, you will slowly move forward. You won’t move on or ‘get over it’, but over time your grief will soften.”
“It won’t always be the crushing weight it is now. And you’re young, so that’s another layer for you to get through. I was in my early 60s, and even that felt ‘young’ to lose the man I’d been married to for more than 3 decades. Still, it’s impossibly painful no matter what age or how many years we’ve had.”
“Now, even after saying—and meaning—all that, you need to consider paying your MIL back for the funeral expenses. One reason is that she likely stepped up for two reasons. First, she could see you were in no shape to do it yourself, and second, she may have thought you didn’t have the resources at hand.”
“You’re a little clearer-headed now (at least some of the time). You know that as his next of kin, his closest family, his wife, it should be your responsibility to handle the costs if you can. And now you can.”
“A further ‘however’ is that if your MIL chose very expensive things and costly services that you would not have chosen, then you should figure out what you personally would have chosen and how much you would have spent.”
“Let’s say she went all out and spent $20K (I have no idea about costs; my husband was cremated and we had a simple gathering), but you would have spent only $5K. In my opinion, offering her the amount that you would have spent is a reasonable compromise. If she made very expensive choices, then that’s on her.”
“I think it’s kind of N A H, but maybe more ESH. You’re leaning that way somewhat because you are somewhat clearer headed and do need to acknowledge that your MIL had no obligation to take over all the arrangements, etc… for you.”
“But she also shouldn’t be harassing you for the money. She did step up and she did make the choices, so if they were very expensive, you need to stand firm that you will reimburse her only what you would have spent had you been able to at that time.”
“I am very sorry you lost your husband. It is the hardest thing in the world. One thing I urge you to do is not lean so heavily on your family that you aren’t able to take your unique grief journey and find strength again. You don’t have to be strong now!”
“And ‘boo’ to all those who try to force us to ‘stay strong’ and blah, blah, blah. But you will need to grow stronger over time, years probably. I wish you a bit of peace during this so difficult, painful time.” ~ Wackadoodle-do
But some disagreed.
“Life insurance money (especially policies created through work) is intended to replace lost income that would otherwise have contributed to your life together. It’s not earmarked for funeral costs.”
“Yes, his mom has a huge loss to mourn, but her financial life was not predicated on her son’s continued existence; yours was. Funerals are for the living, and it sounds like his mom paid for what she wanted.”
“It’s a nice gesture to offer to repay half, but this is all just grief and anger talking. You have a right to use the money for any purpose you require. NTA, obviously.” ~ mhck
“NTA. I disagree with what others say a life insurance policy should be used for—funerals. You no longer have a husband to help pay for a house or car or life together.”
“Your income may have dropped by half or more. Your MIL can afford to pay for the funeral or she would not have offered. Build your life. Live your life.” ~ ptprn11
“I would like to add that OP stated that the insurance policy was through HER job, which means she is the one who paid the premiums. As such, the payout should be hers.”
“MIL could have had a point if OP’s husband was the one paying for the policy.” ~ Admiral_PorkLoin
“Agree, NTA. The MIL offered. If it was a loan and she wanted money back, she should have said so.”
“If she’d said, ‘I’ll pay, and you can pay me back when you can,’ that would be different. If it was, ‘I couldn’t afford the funeral,’ and then MIL stepped in to help, yeah, OP would be the a**hole, but that wasn’t what happened.”
“By the sounds of it, MIL paid for it because she wanted to. No one asked her to.” ~ Advanced-Arm-1735
The OP offered a brief update.
“I more than likely will pay her half of the expenses like most have suggested here.”
It’s ultimately the OP’s decision what to do.
But it’s not selfish to put her own needs first.