The most difficult thing about grief is how we have no control over what it may do to us.
Indeed, few things take hold of our emotions in the same way grief does, resulting in our behaving in incredibly unexpected ways.
Guaranteed to result in our saying or doing things we will no doubt live to regret.
The mother of a recent Redditor sadly and unexpectedly passed away.
Making things even more difficult for the original poster (OP) was that she ended up being almost wholly responsible for arranging her mother's funeral.
Leaving her in a less than sharing mood with her siblings.
Concerned she may have been unfair, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to share my mom's ashes with my siblings after they contributed nothing to her funeral?"
The OP explained why they were less than eager to share their mother's ashes with their siblings:
"My mom recently passed away unexpectedly."
"I'm 28 F[emale], the 4th of her 6 kids."
"She had no will, no money, and no arrangements."
"She had been living with my oldest brother, Tom (36 M[ale])."
"While we were all in the ER (except two siblings who live out of state), Tom said he would 'cover everything'."
"His girlfriend is the one who financially supports him, so she essentially would be the one paying."
"I offered to split the cost because, in my opinion, that isn't fair."
"The hospital told us we had 24 to 48 hours to decide where to send her."
"Over the next two days, I found the cremation place, contacted them, arranged everything, set up a GoFundMe, and my husband even pulled from his 401k because we live paycheck to paycheck and didn't know if Tom would follow through."
"The total was over $2k, so that's a huge deal for us."
"A few days ago, the funeral home requested payment, so I paid it."
"Afterwards I called Tom for his half, and he told me he'd 'get back to me'."
"Hours later, I called again, and he blew me off."
"He hasn't responded since."
"I'm not shocked, but it still hurts."
"Then there's my oldest sister 'Christina' (42 F[emale])."
"She's financially stable, but her son (23 M[ale]) recently got arrested and she's been paying his lawyer fees."
"I intentionally didn't ask her to contribute because I didn't want to add to her stress."
"During Thanksgiving, when people were talking about how much she's been helping her son, someone joked that you'd think he'd at least be appreciative since she chose to help him instead of helping with our mom's cremation."
"Christina laughed and said, 'I've given that b**** enough over the years, she's not getting a single thing out of me anymore'."
"Back to the main subject."
"Both Tom and Christina expect 'their' share of our mom's ashes."
"But neither of them helped call funeral homes, make arrangements, pay for the costs, or even helped share the GoFundMe."
"I feel incredibly hurt."
"I feel like, as older siblings, they should've stepped up, yet my husband and I ended up doing everything."
"So… AITA for not wanting to share the ashes with them?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had little to no sympathy for the OP, generally agreeing that she was, indeed, the a**hole for refusing to share her mother's ashes with her siblings.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling it was wrong of the OP's siblings to contribute nothing to their mother's funeral, but also finding it was wrong for the OP not to share their mother's ashes with them... especially considering that their mother was living with Tom, and was as such, under his care, at the time of her death:
"ESH."
"She's been living with your brother, how much did you contribute to that?"
"You said you didn't have a discussion with your sister about contributing, but now you're upset that she didn't?"
"Your sister made a joke in very poor taste, but was there any truth to that?"
"Did your sister support your mom in some way?"
"You say they should have stepped up as your older siblings, but how many times before did they step up when you couldn't, possibly because you're younger and weren't in a place to be able to contribute?"
"Take a step back and realize you're all grieving and maybe acting out of emotion."
"It wasn't cool of them not to help out, but it's super not cool of you to decide that they don't have a right to their mother's ashes because they fell down on the job here."
"I'm very sorry for your loss."- katiethekatie
"ESH."
"Your siblings obviously let you down, your brother's a huge d*ck, but you can't punish people by withholding their dead mother's ashes."- violue
While others felt it would be petty and childish for the OP to withhold their mother's ashes from them, feeling it wasn't fair for her to be as passive as she was regarding payment for their mother's cremation and funeral and then punishing them for it:
"Yes YTA."
"Paying for the cremation does not entitle you to the ashes."
"They should be split equally among her children."
"It doesn't matter what their relationship was like or what they were financially able to contribute."
"You trying to withhold your mom because you are mad at them is messed up."
"Don't be that person."- Shortestbreath
"Tom was the one looking after his dying mum."
"Two siblings live out of state, so we couldn't physically help him."
"Were you providing regular financial support or physical care when she lived with him?"
"Tom offered to pay everything, and you decided to split it."
"You organized to crowdfund the expenses."
"How much did you raise?"
"It's only been a few days, Tom may still come through with his share."
"You intentionally didn't ask Christina to contribute, which was your decision."
"What happened with your other three siblings, you didn't mention them?"
"Grief is hard, but it sounds like YTA."
"You should all decide what happens with your mum's ashes together."- PM_ME_UR_SEXY_HANDS
"YTA."
"What about the other 3 siblings?"
"It sounds like your sister had a complicated relationship with your mom, and your mom lived with your brother!"
"Not everyone reacts well during hard times and that's what honest conversations afterwards are for."
"Ask all of your siblings to chip in if the 6 of you split it it's like $400 a kid way more reasonable if your siblings can afford it."
"And remember they lost their mom too."- chaoticly_neutral
"YTA."
"Your mother's ashes have nothing to do with who paid for the service."
"Holding them as a carrot in front of your siblings is kinda gross."- Ok-Educator850
"YTA."
"I'm sorry for your loss and I totally understand why you're hurt."
"I had to handle arrangements after my mom's death alone, too; it's painful and lonely."
"That being said, don't be the vengeful ash hoarder of the family."
"If you're feeling hurt, be an adult and communicate that to your siblings without lording their dead mother's remains over them."
"Your mom lived with Tom, so it sounds like he supported her that way."
"You didn't even ask Christina for any help, so don't resent her after the fact."
"Her comment implies that she also supported your mom financially."
"Did you contribute in the same way?"- _goneawry_
"YTA."
"Just give them their ashes and move on."- Zestyclose_Public_47
"YTA."
"Death is not a time to be petty."- Ancient-Actuator7443
"YTA."
"Gatekeeping your mom's cremains from her other children just because they didn't help contribute to the cremation or funeral costs is petty and cruel."
"She was still their mom."
"You can, however, make your feelings known."
"Buy yourself a beautiful keepsake urn and then get five empty plastic spice bottles without labels."
"Split the cremains into the six containers and give your siblings the ones that are in the spice bottles."
"If they want to have their portion of her cremains in a keepsake urn, they can buy one themselves."
"You keep the portion that is in the keepsake urn that you purchased for yourself."- JessieColt
"YTA and they are probably confused why you are double-dipping by creating a GoFundMe but also asking them to pay you back."
"Also, as others have pointed out, they clearly helped your mom financially over the years, and it sounds like you did not."- KDSD628
"Who was the "someone" that made the 'joke' about how your sister's son should be appreciative?"
"That person really sucks and should learn to stop being passive aggressive."
"YTA for deciding you're the sole arbiter of your mother's remains."- NandoDeColonoscopy
The OP has every right to be frustrated at being the only person to cover their mother's funeral expenses.
Even so, the only thing keeping her mother's ashes to herself will guarantee is permanently ruining their relationship.
Something she should consider very carefully before making a decision.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp