The most difficult thing about grief is how we have no control over what it may do to us.
Indeed, few things take hold of our emotions in the same way grief does, resulting in our behaving in incredibly unexpected ways.
Guaranteed to result in our saying or doing things we will no doubt live to regret.
The mother of a recent Redditor sadly and unexpectedly passed away.
Making things even more difficult for the original poster (OP) was that she ended up being almost wholly responsible for arranging her mother’s funeral.
Leaving her in a less than sharing mood with her siblings.
Concerned she may have been unfair, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to share my mom’s ashes with my siblings after they contributed nothing to her funeral?”
The OP explained why they were less than eager to share their mother’s ashes with their siblings:
“My mom recently passed away unexpectedly.”
“I’m 28 F[emale], the 4th of her 6 kids.”
“She had no will, no money, and no arrangements.”
“She had been living with my oldest brother, Tom (36 M[ale]).”
“While we were all in the ER (except two siblings who live out of state), Tom said he would ‘cover everything’.”
“His girlfriend is the one who financially supports him, so she essentially would be the one paying.”
“I offered to split the cost because, in my opinion, that isn’t fair.”
“The hospital told us we had 24 to 48 hours to decide where to send her.”
“Over the next two days, I found the cremation place, contacted them, arranged everything, set up a GoFundMe, and my husband even pulled from his 401k because we live paycheck to paycheck and didn’t know if Tom would follow through.”
“The total was over $2k, so that’s a huge deal for us.”
“A few days ago, the funeral home requested payment, so I paid it.”
“Afterwards I called Tom for his half, and he told me he’d ‘get back to me’.”
“Hours later, I called again, and he blew me off.”
“He hasn’t responded since.”
“I’m not shocked, but it still hurts.”
“Then there’s my oldest sister ‘Christina’ (42 F[emale]).”
“She’s financially stable, but her son (23 M[ale]) recently got arrested and she’s been paying his lawyer fees.”
“I intentionally didn’t ask her to contribute because I didn’t want to add to her stress.”
“During Thanksgiving, when people were talking about how much she’s been helping her son, someone joked that you’d think he’d at least be appreciative since she chose to help him instead of helping with our mom’s cremation.”
“Christina laughed and said, ‘I’ve given that b**** enough over the years, she’s not getting a single thing out of me anymore’.”
“Back to the main subject.”
“Both Tom and Christina expect ‘their’ share of our mom’s ashes.”
“But neither of them helped call funeral homes, make arrangements, pay for the costs, or even helped share the GoFundMe.”
“I feel incredibly hurt.”
“I feel like, as older siblings, they should’ve stepped up, yet my husband and I ended up doing everything.”
“So… AITA for not wanting to share the ashes with them?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community had little to no sympathy for the OP, generally agreeing that she was, indeed, the a**hole for refusing to share her mother’s ashes with her siblings.
Some had trouble sympathizing with anyone, feeling it was wrong of the OP’s siblings to contribute nothing to their mother’s funeral, but also finding it was wrong for the OP not to share their mother’s ashes with them… especially considering that their mother was living with Tom, and was as such, under his care, at the time of her death:
“ESH.”
“She’s been living with your brother, how much did you contribute to that?”
“You said you didn’t have a discussion with your sister about contributing, but now you’re upset that she didn’t?”
“Your sister made a joke in very poor taste, but was there any truth to that?”
“Did your sister support your mom in some way?”
“You say they should have stepped up as your older siblings, but how many times before did they step up when you couldn’t, possibly because you’re younger and weren’t in a place to be able to contribute?”
“Take a step back and realize you’re all grieving and maybe acting out of emotion.”
“It wasn’t cool of them not to help out, but it’s super not cool of you to decide that they don’t have a right to their mother’s ashes because they fell down on the job here.”
“I’m very sorry for your loss.”- katiethekatie
“ESH.”
“Your siblings obviously let you down, your brother’s a huge d*ck, but you can’t punish people by withholding their dead mother’s ashes.”- violue
While others felt it would be petty and childish for the OP to withhold their mother’s ashes from them, feeling it wasn’t fair for her to be as passive as she was regarding payment for their mother’s cremation and funeral and then punishing them for it:
“Yes YTA.”
“Paying for the cremation does not entitle you to the ashes.”
“They should be split equally among her children.”
“It doesn’t matter what their relationship was like or what they were financially able to contribute.”
“You trying to withhold your mom because you are mad at them is messed up.”
“Don’t be that person.”- Shortestbreath
“Tom was the one looking after his dying mum.”
“Two siblings live out of state, so we couldn’t physically help him.”
“Were you providing regular financial support or physical care when she lived with him?”
“Tom offered to pay everything, and you decided to split it.”
“You organized to crowdfund the expenses.”
“How much did you raise?”
“It’s only been a few days, Tom may still come through with his share.”
“You intentionally didn’t ask Christina to contribute, which was your decision.”
“What happened with your other three siblings, you didn’t mention them?”
“Grief is hard, but it sounds like YTA.”
“You should all decide what happens with your mum’s ashes together.”- PM_ME_UR_SEXY_HANDS
“YTA.”
“What about the other 3 siblings?”
“It sounds like your sister had a complicated relationship with your mom, and your mom lived with your brother!”
“Not everyone reacts well during hard times and that’s what honest conversations afterwards are for.”
“Ask all of your siblings to chip in if the 6 of you split it it’s like $400 a kid way more reasonable if your siblings can afford it.”
“And remember they lost their mom too.”- chaoticly_neutral
“YTA.”
“Your mother’s ashes have nothing to do with who paid for the service.”
“Holding them as a carrot in front of your siblings is kinda gross.”- Ok-Educator850
“YTA.”
“I’m sorry for your loss and I totally understand why you’re hurt.”
“I had to handle arrangements after my mom’s death alone, too; it’s painful and lonely.”
“That being said, don’t be the vengeful ash hoarder of the family.”
“If you’re feeling hurt, be an adult and communicate that to your siblings without lording their dead mother’s remains over them.”
“Your mom lived with Tom, so it sounds like he supported her that way.”
“You didn’t even ask Christina for any help, so don’t resent her after the fact.”
“Her comment implies that she also supported your mom financially.”
“Did you contribute in the same way?”- _goneawry_
“YTA.”
“Just give them their ashes and move on.”- Zestyclose_Public_47
“YTA.”
“Death is not a time to be petty.”- Ancient-Actuator7443
“YTA.”
“Gatekeeping your mom’s cremains from her other children just because they didn’t help contribute to the cremation or funeral costs is petty and cruel.”
“She was still their mom.”
“You can, however, make your feelings known.”
“Buy yourself a beautiful keepsake urn and then get five empty plastic spice bottles without labels.”
“Split the cremains into the six containers and give your siblings the ones that are in the spice bottles.”
“If they want to have their portion of her cremains in a keepsake urn, they can buy one themselves.”
“You keep the portion that is in the keepsake urn that you purchased for yourself.”- JessieColt
“YTA and they are probably confused why you are double-dipping by creating a GoFundMe but also asking them to pay you back.”
“Also, as others have pointed out, they clearly helped your mom financially over the years, and it sounds like you did not.”- KDSD628
“Who was the “someone” that made the ‘joke’ about how your sister’s son should be appreciative?”
“That person really sucks and should learn to stop being passive aggressive.”
“YTA for deciding you’re the sole arbiter of your mother’s remains.”- NandoDeColonoscopy
The OP has every right to be frustrated at being the only person to cover their mother’s funeral expenses.
Even so, the only thing keeping her mother’s ashes to herself will guarantee is permanently ruining their relationship.
Something she should consider very carefully before making a decision.