The average funeral cost in the United States, in 2025, is about $8,300 for a traditional burial with a viewing and vault, or around $6,280 for cremation with a viewing.
Total cost depends on what products and services are used—like caskets, burial plots, vaults, embalming, viewings, religious services, hearses, limousines, etc... with a full traditional burial ranging from $7,000 to over $15,000 nationwide.
But specialty services, like musicians or horse-drawn hearses, can push funeral arrangements into 6 digits. Direct cremation without any viewing or vault is still the lowest cost option, averaging around $2,200 nationally.
Many people are pre-planning and pre-paying for their funerals.
This option has the benefit of letting the future deceased choose what kind of arrangements they want.
A spouse looking to the future for their family turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after their suggestion was deemed rude.
Icy_Target_9050 asked:
"AITA for asking my in-laws to pre-plan and pre-pay for their funerals?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband's parents live with us, in our home, rent-free. We have a good relationship and I appreciate them, as they do me."
"Until recently, my father-in-law's (FIL's) primary entertainment was using his Social Security income to go to the casino. Now, he's unable to go by himself, and my mother-in-law (MIL) has taken over his finances."
"She's concerned that he has too much money in his account to qualify for Medicaid, because it's been building up over the past few months."
"I suggested that she pay for their cell phone bill, or that she meet with our local funeral director and start planning for their funerals, because it would be considerate to us."
"My daughter told me that I was being mean. I told her that my own grandmother had done just that, and we enjoyed a lovely luncheon at a restaurant afterward with family."
"But I did send my MIL a text with some funeral home pre-planning information."
"Is my daughter right? Was I a jerk for suggesting she spend money by pre-paying for her own funeral?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I suggested that my MIL pay for her own funeral, basically if she didn't want to pay me rent. Could that have been too untactful? Should I ask her for rent money instead?"
"I wish I could count on my husband to do that, but his family all like to bury their heads in the sand and depend on me for a lot of administrative things. So not out of the ballpark to come from me."
"You know, even if they are reluctant to pay for it, this is a conversation we need to have with them. What if they don't even want a big funeral service?"
"I actually used to give them money every month out of my paycheck. I've thought of taking the rent money and arranging their plans myself. They have no savings and very little SS income, hence why they live with us."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I'm sorry but this made me laugh so hard. NTA and it's a good idea, but damn, I think 'please plan your own funeral' really needs to be delivered by the blood-kid and not the in-law." ~ Wild-Association1680
"My grandmothers planned and paid for their funerals. My parents looked into the costs for funerals and pre-paid for their cremations. I am currently looking into cremation and will be finalizing the plans this year."
"It makes sense to do this so when it happens, my relatives will not have to worry about anything. I have seen sons and daughters saddled with costs as high as $15,000 for standard funerals." ~ That_Log_9853
"NTA. This is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. I would be so ashamed if I had the means to pre-plan and pre-pay for my funeral and dumped it on my family instead after I blew money at the casino."
"My grandmother has her grave all ready to go. I have a picture with her and me standing at it." ~ MeanderingUnicorn
"Prepaid funeral expenses are generally not countable for Medicaid eligibility if they are set up as irrevocable trusts (irrevocable funeral trusts or IFTs) or irrevocable burial contracts. To be exempt, the contract must state that any remaining funds after the funeral are transferred to the state."
"While this strategy can help people spend down assets to qualify for Medicaid, state rules on allowable amounts vary, with most states limiting them to between $10,000 and $15,000 per person."
"Might be a good idea to 'charge them rent,' and put the money into an account as well." ~ Street-Writing-1264
"As someone who just had to pay for my ex-husband's cremation and funeral so our kids wouldn't have to, I'd say that pre-planning these things is a kindness."
"My kids didn't deserve to have to do all of that; they are also struggling. As soon as this funeral is over, I am also going to pre-pay for my cremation." ~ ArtilleryFern
"NTA. Everyone should preplan their funeral. You and your husband, hell, even your daughter. Maybe she shouldn't pay for hers yet, but everyone should preplan theirs. You can always change it. This is how you get what you want."
"Both my side and my husband's side do this. When we lost my grandmother, it wasn't a good day, but her funeral was paid for, we knew what dress she wanted, and we had already picked out the casket."
"We knew she wanted a quilt draped over it at the viewing (she had made a quilt someone else in the family had wanted, and it was a last petty move to show it off, and we let her) instead of flowers."
"If you don't do this, you get screwed financially and make a bunch of terrible and emotional decisions."
"Personally I love it. I like knowing that when my mom dies, I get to come apart and be a basket case. All the paperwork is done."
"When my husband lost his mom it was the same thing, we got to feel the emotions because all of the thinking had been done and no one had to wonder if we were honoring her the right way or enough, we were respecting her wishes completely. All we had to do was cherish every memory." ~
"My grandmother buried 3 husbands and 2 sons. After the first husband she said she would never, ever in a million years subject anyone else to having to handle funeral arrangements while grieving, so she planned her funeral."
"It took a few years for her to actually get it all financially arranged, but we all knew exactly what she wanted in terms of a service, burial, etc..."
"Fortunately, in an unfortunate situation, all her kids inherited that aspect of her and so my dad literally talked about his funeral all the time. He had a heart attack and passed away extremely suddenly, and one of the only things that we didn't actually need to put any thought into was his funeral."
"He didn't have it arranged and paid for like my grandmother (his mother), but we just collectively knew what he wanted because he talked about it so much. It honestly was definitely a relief to not have to think about it when dealing with everything else."
"It might sound callous on the surface, and definitely should have come from your husband (or at a minimum, the both of you), but it's a really reasonable request in my opinion."
"Speaking from the point of view of having had to help with funeral arrangements for 4 grandparents, my father, and an aunt that may as well have been my mother." ~ morbid_n_creepifying
"My father in law had a file he labeled 'Death File', and drew a skull and cross bones on the cover of it."
"He had placed a copy of his will in there, wrote his obituary, planned his funeral, including all music, and had copies of all of the information regarding life insurance policies, bank accounts and any other accounts my mother in law might need."
"It really was helpful. My brother in law took charge of getting all of the death certificates so she wouldn't have to, but FIL's pre-planning helped tremendously." ~ Surleighgrl
"I had one relative who did pre-plan it (and pay for it all) and I am so grateful I would not have been able to do it."
"And another close relative who did not, and I still have recurring nightmares, afraid I didn't settle their affairs the way they wanted, even though I think I probably made the right choices." ~ wandering_ones
"My Dad died unexpectedly when he was 46. Because of that, my Mom prepaid her funeral. 41 yrs later when she died at 87 we had enough money for the works…casket, flowers and a huge party with food and cocktails."
"Some people walked into the restaurant and asked if it was a wedding. It was her last gift to us kids…no stress, and a celebration of her." ~ Low_Cook_5235
"NTA, and would not have any issues if I were your MIL… I do think it's a kind thing to do for your family. Nice and tidy."
"That said I am not every MIL. Tread carefully on this topic and see where it goes. Preplanning is just prudent advice." ~ Equivalent-Roll-3321
Death is inevitable, so why not plan ahead?
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp