An ongoing fear of any child is that their parents prefer one of their siblings to them.
Most of the time, this is nothing but an unfounded fear.
Unfortunately, there are some particularly sad cases where this isn’t simply an unfounded fear, but their horrid reality.
Continuing well into adulthood.
A recent Redditor grew up in this very situation, where her parents did little to hide their preference for her older brother.
Even so, the original poster (OP) did everything she could to help her parents, as any good child would do.
That is, until, after her mother’s passing, when the OP learned some information that led her to be completely uninvolved with her mother’s funeral.
Concerned she might have been being too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**Hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for not wanting to attend my mom’s burial because of what I found out after her death?”
The OP explained why she was intentionally keeping her distance from her mother’s funeral:
“I am the youngest of my mother’s children and the most educated.”
“In 2009, I encouraged my mother and older brother to buy a house.”
“At that time, my mother didn’t have a credit history, but my brother and father did.”
“With my guidance, we bought the house using a loan from my older sister for the down payment.”
“The mortgage was under my father’s and brother’s names.”
“From 2009 to 2014, my mother and brother made the mortgage payments.”
“After I graduated college in 2014, I took over the payments with my mother.”
“Since I earned more, I paid the larger share, even after I moved out in 2016 to attend graduate school.”
“I continued paying to the mortgage while in grad school, working full time & living in a rented room until 2021.”
“In 2018, my mom called crying that she could no longer work because she’s aging.”
“She initially told my older brother who did nothing but insisted she continue working.”
“She then told me & I retired her, another burden.”
“I had to take process her Medicare & Medicaid & social security.”
“Then my brother came to me about getting her life insurance, again, another burden as it turned out, I ended it paying.”
“However, I didn’t find out until 2021 that my brother listed only himself as the sole beneficiary of the life insurance that he wasn’t paying.”
“I blocked payments after he refused to change the beneficiary & my mom continued to support him in 2024.”
“After I stopped paying the mortgage, my mother, father, and brother covered the mortgage until they refinanced the house in 2024.”
“The refinance yielded between $130,000 and $150,000.”
“However, they only gave me $10,000 from that amount, keeping the rest, primarily my brother.”
“My mom lied to me at the time, claiming there wasn’t much money from the refinance.”
“I only found out the true amount few days ago from my dad.”
“After my mother’s recent passing, my brother asked all of us to contribute to her funeral expenses.”
“I initially offered to pay $4,000, the largest contribution.”
“However, a few days ago, my father told me that my mother knowingly lied to me about the refinance and supported my brother’s decision to keep most of the money.”
“I also learned that my brother initially wanted to give me only $5,000, and it was my father who insisted it be raised to $10,000.”
“Given these revelations, I have decided not to contribute financially to my mother’s funeral and not to attend.”
“We are immigrants & my parents & family have this misogynistic mindset that, the male child is the most important.”
“My dad informed me few days ago that, it’s the sister’s job to support the brother to be successful.”
“My brother is 8 years older & married with a job.”
“He’s done nothing for me or my parents, but my parents always attributed my accomplishments & help to them, to him.”
“Our dad & my other older siblings are begging me, but I’m done.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to attend or pay for her mother’s funeral.
Everyone agreed that the after the way the OP was treated by her family, she needed to keep a distance from them, and now was the time to start:
“NTA.”
“You don’t owe them anything.”
“Your brother can spend some of that $130k he pocketed to pay for the expenses.”- m_preddy
“NTA.”
“If your brother is the most important sibling out of you two he can foot the bill with that extra money.”
“You don’t owe your family your appearance especially after their blatant disregard for your efforts.”
“You deserved that money and your mom and brother are absolutely the a**holes.”-LesbianDumpsterFire
“NTA.”
“You funded their lives for years and got backstabbed.”
“You’ve already paid enough for this family.”- Cute_Cap_1167
“NTA.”
“I don’t think you should contribute anything to the cost, especially considering he kept so much of that refi money.”
“As far as attending, that’s completely up to you and you are not an AH if you decide not to go.”
“Take the time to think about how it might affect you if you don’t but do what you feel is best for you.”
“Good luck.”- alegitimatesnack
“NTA.”
“Let your brother pay for it out of his profits from the refinance.”- Donutsmell
“NTA.”
“a) Your brother or dad can pay it, it would be the manly thing for them to do and b) you have other older siblings!”
“They can take their turn paying for things.”- Pristine-Rhubarb7294
“NTA!”
“Wow they just want to keep taking from you and giving to your brother.”
“Cut the lot of them off.”
“10k after your the one paying most of the mortgage?!”
“When they got 130k from the refi.”
“Wtf that’s just gross financial abuse.”
“Just from that you might be able to file a claim against them in the courts for remuneration.”
“They wanted to keep taking from you, time to take back.”
“Talk to a lawyer get all the facts in order, how much you paid over time vs the rest of them.”
“Get the proof you were paying for the life insurance but we’re not given beneficiary status without your knowledge that’s another amount for you.”
“Have the lawyer write up a request for remuneration in the amount you should get and have your brother served since he’s the one who’s gotten the most of the money.”
“They’ve literally been stealing your money.”- wowgamertbc
“NTA.”
“Stop contributing financially to them NOW!”
“You are risking your financial future.”
“Your brother will NOT be there for you, ever!”
“Stop risking your financial future in the name of old traditions that don’t care about you!”-FRANPW1
“Whatever you choose to do, you are NTA.”
“Definitely do not feel the need to contribute financially to your mom’s burial/service or to any family members anymore.”
“You have already given far more than you should have ever had to, and with your parents’ consent your brother has received far more support from you when he should never have been the beneficiary of your sacrifices.”
“Whether you choose to attend the funeral/service – and for whatever reasons are foremost in your mind/heart at that time – make your choice for YOU.”
“Given the history of family dynamics, you don’t owe doing anything for anyone else.”- swillshop
“As soon as this started, with you encouraging your mother to buy a house but then her name wasn’t on the mortgage, or clearly the deed for the home, I knew this was going to go badly.”
“NTA.”
“Your mother has passed, sorry for your loss, and funerals are for the living.”
“If you don’t want to go then don’t go.”
“And definitely don’t pay.”- Only-Breadfruit-6108
“NTA.”
“Funerals aren’t for the dead.”
“They’re for the living to gain closure.”
“It sounds like you are in a decent place with your emotions.”
“Sounds like you should cut them all off.”
“Take care.”- leftycatt7700
“NTA.”
“t\They have so much still asking for money for funeral.”
“Just go LC with them.”- Single-Being-8263
“NTA!”
“I don’t blame you for not contributing.”
“He has $130k to pay in full for the funeral.”
“You don’t have to attend the funeral and I probably wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want to see my brother.”
“I would probably visit the grave afterwards maybe a couple days after, just to say bye or to tell my Mom how she hurt me, just so I could get my own closure that way.”
“As far as the rest of your family, sometimes its best to love people from a far to keep your sanity.”
“We’re supposed to love people, but we don’t have to keep them close to do that.”- Realistic-Specific54
During her mother’s lifetime, the OP showed her unconditional love, when she wasn’t getting it in return.
Now that the OP has discovered that her mother treated her even worse than she thought, one imagines she likely wouldn’t be feeling much grief or remorse at her mother’s funeral.
Seeing as the OP’s brother seemed to be their parent’s “golden child” of sorts, it seems only fair that he should be the prime contributor to their mother’s funeral.
Using the extra money he profited that could have gone to the OP.