An ongoing fear of any child is that their parents prefer one of their siblings to them.
Most of the time, this is nothing but an unfounded fear.
Unfortunately, there are some particularly sad cases where this isn't simply an unfounded fear, but their horrid reality.
Continuing well into adulthood.
A recent Redditor grew up in this very situation, where her parents did little to hide their preference for her older brother.
Even so, the original poster (OP) did everything she could to help her parents, as any good child would do.
That is, until, after her mother's passing, when the OP learned some information that led her to be completely uninvolved with her mother's funeral.
Concerned she might have been being too harsh, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to attend my mom's burial because of what I found out after her death?"
The OP explained why she was intentionally keeping her distance from her mother's funeral:
"I am the youngest of my mother's children and the most educated."
"In 2009, I encouraged my mother and older brother to buy a house."
"At that time, my mother didn't have a credit history, but my brother and father did."
"With my guidance, we bought the house using a loan from my older sister for the down payment."
"The mortgage was under my father's and brother's names."
"From 2009 to 2014, my mother and brother made the mortgage payments."
"After I graduated college in 2014, I took over the payments with my mother."
"Since I earned more, I paid the larger share, even after I moved out in 2016 to attend graduate school."
"I continued paying to the mortgage while in grad school, working full time & living in a rented room until 2021."
"In 2018, my mom called crying that she could no longer work because she's aging."
"She initially told my older brother who did nothing but insisted she continue working."
"She then told me & I retired her, another burden."
"I had to take process her Medicare & Medicaid & social security."
"Then my brother came to me about getting her life insurance, again, another burden as it turned out, I ended it paying."
"However, I didn't find out until 2021 that my brother listed only himself as the sole beneficiary of the life insurance that he wasn't paying."
"I blocked payments after he refused to change the beneficiary & my mom continued to support him in 2024."
"After I stopped paying the mortgage, my mother, father, and brother covered the mortgage until they refinanced the house in 2024."
"The refinance yielded between $130,000 and $150,000."
"However, they only gave me $10,000 from that amount, keeping the rest, primarily my brother."
"My mom lied to me at the time, claiming there wasn't much money from the refinance."
"I only found out the true amount few days ago from my dad."
"After my mother's recent passing, my brother asked all of us to contribute to her funeral expenses."
"I initially offered to pay $4,000, the largest contribution."
"However, a few days ago, my father told me that my mother knowingly lied to me about the refinance and supported my brother's decision to keep most of the money."
"I also learned that my brother initially wanted to give me only $5,000, and it was my father who insisted it be raised to $10,000."
"Given these revelations, I have decided not to contribute financially to my mother's funeral and not to attend."
"We are immigrants & my parents & family have this misogynistic mindset that, the male child is the most important."
"My dad informed me few days ago that, it's the sister's job to support the brother to be successful."
"My brother is 8 years older & married with a job."
"He's done nothing for me or my parents, but my parents always attributed my accomplishments & help to them, to him."
"Our dad & my other older siblings are begging me, but I'm done."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to attend or pay for her mother's funeral.
Everyone agreed that the after the way the OP was treated by her family, she needed to keep a distance from them, and now was the time to start:
"NTA."
"You don't owe them anything."
"Your brother can spend some of that $130k he pocketed to pay for the expenses."- m_preddy
"NTA."
"If your brother is the most important sibling out of you two he can foot the bill with that extra money."
"You don't owe your family your appearance especially after their blatant disregard for your efforts."
"You deserved that money and your mom and brother are absolutely the a**holes."-LesbianDumpsterFire
"NTA."
"You funded their lives for years and got backstabbed."
"You've already paid enough for this family."- Cute_Cap_1167
"NTA."
"I don't think you should contribute anything to the cost, especially considering he kept so much of that refi money."
"As far as attending, that's completely up to you and you are not an AH if you decide not to go."
"Take the time to think about how it might affect you if you don't but do what you feel is best for you."
"Good luck."- alegitimatesnack
"NTA."
"Let your brother pay for it out of his profits from the refinance."- Donutsmell
"NTA."
"a) Your brother or dad can pay it, it would be the manly thing for them to do and b) you have other older siblings!"
"They can take their turn paying for things."- Pristine-Rhubarb7294
"NTA!"
"Wow they just want to keep taking from you and giving to your brother."
"Cut the lot of them off."
"10k after your the one paying most of the mortgage?!"
"When they got 130k from the refi."
"Wtf that's just gross financial abuse."
"Just from that you might be able to file a claim against them in the courts for remuneration."
"They wanted to keep taking from you, time to take back."
"Talk to a lawyer get all the facts in order, how much you paid over time vs the rest of them."
"Get the proof you were paying for the life insurance but we're not given beneficiary status without your knowledge that's another amount for you."
"Have the lawyer write up a request for remuneration in the amount you should get and have your brother served since he's the one who's gotten the most of the money."
"They've literally been stealing your money."- wowgamertbc
"NTA."
"Stop contributing financially to them NOW!"
"You are risking your financial future."
"Your brother will NOT be there for you, ever!"
"Stop risking your financial future in the name of old traditions that don't care about you!"-FRANPW1
"Whatever you choose to do, you are NTA."
"Definitely do not feel the need to contribute financially to your mom's burial/service or to any family members anymore."
"You have already given far more than you should have ever had to, and with your parents' consent your brother has received far more support from you when he should never have been the beneficiary of your sacrifices."
"Whether you choose to attend the funeral/service - and for whatever reasons are foremost in your mind/heart at that time - make your choice for YOU."
"Given the history of family dynamics, you don't owe doing anything for anyone else."- swillshop
"As soon as this started, with you encouraging your mother to buy a house but then her name wasn't on the mortgage, or clearly the deed for the home, I knew this was going to go badly."
"NTA."
"Your mother has passed, sorry for your loss, and funerals are for the living."
"If you don't want to go then don't go."
"And definitely don't pay."- Only-Breadfruit-6108
"NTA."
"Funerals aren't for the dead."
"They're for the living to gain closure."
"It sounds like you are in a decent place with your emotions."
"Sounds like you should cut them all off."
"Take care."- leftycatt7700
"NTA."
"t\They have so much still asking for money for funeral."
"Just go LC with them."- Single-Being-8263
"NTA!"
"I don't blame you for not contributing."
"He has $130k to pay in full for the funeral."
"You don't have to attend the funeral and I probably wouldn't because I wouldn't want to see my brother."
"I would probably visit the grave afterwards maybe a couple days after, just to say bye or to tell my Mom how she hurt me, just so I could get my own closure that way."
"As far as the rest of your family, sometimes its best to love people from a far to keep your sanity."
"We're supposed to love people, but we don't have to keep them close to do that."- Realistic-Specific54
During her mother's lifetime, the OP showed her unconditional love, when she wasn't getting it in return.
Now that the OP has discovered that her mother treated her even worse than she thought, one imagines she likely wouldn't be feeling much grief or remorse at her mother's funeral.
Seeing as the OP's brother seemed to be their parent's "golden child" of sorts, it seems only fair that he should be the prime contributor to their mother's funeral.
Using the extra money he profited that could have gone to the OP.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp