Toxic family members often continue to intimidate those around them by being enabled by people asking everyone else to "be the bigger person" or to look the other way to "keep the peace."
The person who finally stands their ground often gets more backlash than the toxic person who created the situation through their behavior.
A niece unwilling to enable her uncle, her late father's brother, turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Withintheinnerself asked:
"AITAH for refusing to drop a restraining order against my uncle before my dad’s funeral?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I'm 30, female, and my dad recently passed away. Before his death, our family disagreed about his end-of-life care. My brother was his designated healthcare decision-maker, and we arranged hospice so family could spend time with my dad and say goodbye."
"My dad was in end-of-life hospice care. From what my brother explained to me, the hospice nurse said my dad's body was no longer processing or tolerating food normally and that eating could cause him discomfort. I wasn't the primary decision-maker, so I didn't speak directly with the nurse and don't want to misrepresent the medical advice."
"He was on a trach and feeding tube and was in a state where he couldn’t communicate or meaningfully move his body. The goal was to keep my dad comfortable and allow family and friends to say goodbye, not to cause him harm or prolong his suffering."
"My uncle strongly disagreed with our decisions. He called my mom, who has been divorced from my dad for over 10 years, and allegedly threatened her and said he would hurt us if we didn't continue tube feeding my dad."
"I texted him asking him to stop harassing my mom and said I'd call the police if he continued. He responded, 'F*ck you.' After I told him to grow up, he texted, 'I will f**k you guys all.' When I said I'd call the police and file for a restraining order, he told me to go ahead."
"I took the threats seriously and filed for a temporary restraining order. He's since been served and shared a picture of the order in a family group chat, which has created more drama. He's also said he'll explain to the judge how my dad died, which I assume relates to the hospice disagreement."
"My dad's funeral is coming up, and my uncle will be there. I'm genuinely afraid he might approach or threaten me. My brother has asked me to reconsider dropping the order so the family can get through the funeral peacefully. I initially told him I would, and he thanked me, saying we wouldn't have to interact with our uncle after the funeral."
"I feel guilty because my siblings are grieving, too, and I don't want to make things harder for them. But I'm the one who received the threats, and I don't feel safe around my uncle. I also feel like everyone expects me to let his behavior go just to keep the peace."
"I don't want revenge or family drama. I just don't think threats should be brushed aside because there's a funeral coming up. At the same time, I understand why my siblings want to avoid more conflict during an already painful time."
"AITAH for wanting to keep pursuing the restraining order even though my family wants me to drop it for the funeral?"
"I’m not trying to prevent him from attending the funeral. I requested an 18-foot stay-away distance, which I feel gives him plenty of room to attend while keeping some distance between him and us. My intention was never to exclude him from saying goodbye to my dad."
"I filed because of the threats he made toward our family, and I want to be able to grieve and attend my own father’s funeral without worrying about being harassed, threatened, or physically harmed. I just want to feel safe, and I don’t want those threats to go without any protection in place."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to prioritize safety (NTA).
"If you drop the TRO for the funeral, the courts will have the ability to say that clearly you aren’t that scared of him. The law is nothing but precedent; you need to keep the TRO active if you even have an inkling you’ll need to litigate this in the future." ~ Old-Razzmatazz5446
"I agree with this. NTA. I'm trying to understand what your uncle was angry about. So he disagreed with your father being on hospice and wanted him to keep being fed? Am I correct?
"When you are at the end of your life you can no longer digest food properly as your body begins to shut down and you can hurt them by forcing them to eat. That's why you no longer have an appetite. Though some people get a surge of energy and hunger right before the final days."
"During my mom's last days, she was in a nursing home, and she no longer had an appetite. I was naive and didn't know about the loss of appetite in the final days. I thought that she just needed something she really liked. I pushed. I said 'but mom you have to eat, what can I get you, I'll get you whatever you want'."
"To placate me, she said she would like a baked potato. So I got her one and fed it to her. To make me feel better, she ate it. The next day, when I went to see her, she was sleeping, and I was told that she was up half the night crying because her stomach hurt."
"She was crying, 'Why did I let her feed me that?' I guess she couldn't digest it properly. I no longer pushed eating and just let the nurses do their job and continued to sit by her side. That was over 12 years ago and I still feel horrible that I did that to her." ~ PartyCustard3125
"Some people think that human life should be preserved as long as possible no matter the pain, no matter the agony, no matter the torture required. They believe every step possible should be taken to get every last possibly second on earth regardless of the quality of that time." ~ NotMe739
"My viewpoint has always been: are we prolonging life or delaying death? I had hospice for my daughter who was born with two fatal conditions, each of which could cause death without the complications of the other. But…doctors cautioned us she could die within minutes of birth or live for several years."
"I had to judge care by either the quality, harm, or improvement it may add to her life, not mine. Most of us would probably choose to keep our loved ones forever, or at least until it’s our own time. Hospice gives dignity to very ugly, often painful, slow deteriorating deaths."
"It’s not perfect; it’s not for every disease or family situation. But I’ve been 'a' decision maker (not necessarily 'the only' decision maker) for both of my paternal grandparents, my daughter, my MIL, and both of my parents. The responsibility has always been both an honor and a terrifying reality."
"Much discussion to make sure that I could honor their wishes — including those who did and did not wish feeding tubes, brain death, organ failure, surgical intervention, and how they wanted to live IF any of those options came about were intense."
"With all of them, except my daughter, they all decided they did not wish to hang about prolonging death. They did not want CPR and revivals and machines. Every family is different. Every death is different. But it’s still coming for each of us." ~ Opinion8Her
"And, some people just don't want to have to face reality or feel bad for a time. They literally would make the entire world suffer just to avoid shedding a tear.I don't know the uncle's motivations, but this person needs to keep things as they are. That uncle did not make those threats because he thought they were funny." ~ Wasteofskin50
"That's what it sounds like the uncle is wanting to do. I don't agree with that. My mother suffered. And I'm not just talking about the time I talked her into eating. She had breast cancer, and she suffered at the end. It hurt when she passed, but I felt a relief from her suffering." ~ PartyCustard3125
"NTA. Keep the TRO and see if you can hire an off-duty officer to attend the event as a bouncer." ~ desertboots
"I don't think you can drop a restraining order and then just pick it back up. Keep everything in place. You will only need to call the cops if HE starts something at the funeral. If you have someone with you, have them ready to record." ~ Haunting-Earth-8593
OP has put safety and comfort before her family's request to enable her uncle's threatening behavior.
As she should.
