Having a baby is not an easy process.
So many expectant parents need all of the help they can get.
Every little bit of assistance goes a long way.
But just because someone is willing to help doesn't mean they're obligated to sign over their lives.
Certain people take advantage of the help of others.
Redditor Desperate_Donkey2212 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not canceling plans to be there for the birth of a 'friend's' baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"So I (27 F[emale]) reconnected with a childhood acquaintance (29 F) recently when she moved to my city."
"My dad and her mom used to work together."
"We weren't close growing up, but when she moved to my city around 5 months pregnant, she reached out."
"I know how lonely it can be to move somewhere new, so I agreed to hang out and tried to help her settle in."
"When I moved here, I didn't know anyone either."
"And now I'm the only one she knows."
"At first, it was fine, I did little things like I drove her to look at apartments (she didn't have a car), helped her run errands, and my dad even built her furniture when she got an apartment."
"My dad came to visit me for the weekend, and we spent it helping her settle in."
"She has no support system, the baby's dad is out of the picture, and she's unemployed (not sure how she's funding everything)."
"I genuinely wanted to be kind and supportive."
"I even introduced her to some of my friends, and she was so rude to them and then wouldn't stop talking poorly about them."
"But then things escalated."
"She started demanding I go with her everywhere... doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, even to get nails done."
"She started jokingly calling the baby 'our baby' because I've been around so much."
"She'll say things like 'our baby is craving fries from McDonald's' and beg me to get them for her."
"She even offers to pay me."
"She refuses to use meal delivery apps because she doesn't trust that they won't do something to the food, she says."
"This has been going on FOR MONTHS!!"
"Fast forward: I'm a bridesmaid in my best friend's wedding and flying home (Puerto Rico) for 4 weeks to help with the shower, rehearsal, wedding, and even organizing her closet in her husband's apartment while she's on her honeymoon (they won't live together until after the wedding)."
"When my acquaintance came over and saw me packing, she lost it."
"She said I never told her about my trip."
"She said she was counting on me to be there for the birth (which will definitely happen while I'm away, I leave tomorrow, and she's ready to pop any minute), and even expected me to MOVE IN with her for the first month after the baby was born to 'help out,' since I have nanny experience."
"She also told me she was planning on me watching the baby on the days I work from home (2 days of the week)."
"I told her I wasn't canceling my flight or shortening my trip, and now she's furious, saying I'm abandoning her and the baby."
"That I'm all they have."
"She's posting about me on social media, saying I betrayed her."
"Her mom, who lives in our state, just 4.5 hours away, is commenting and encouraging her."
"I told my mother about this, and she also said I was a bad friend to leave her and her baby when they need me, that she agrees moving in is a lot, but I should be there during birth, only travel for the wedding, and then come back to help with meals, etc."
"And told me she won't be picking me up at the airport tomorrow because she knows I'll do the right thing."
"The OP was left to wonder:"
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"What kind of Fatal Attraction gaslighting nonsense is this??"
"No, you're NTA."
"You did not agree to be this woman's life partner."
"You did not agree to be her live-in nanny for the first month."
"You did not agree to share this baby with her."
"I mean, do you really even consider her a friend?"
"You are under no obligation to do anything for this woman, and it is absolutely insane that she and your mothers seem to think the fact that you have helped her out in the past somehow makes her entitled to more help from you in the future."
"This is bizarre, and it's even more bizarre than both your moms are supporting this insanity!!!"
"NTA, just to reiterate." ~ Bubbly_Chicken_9358
"Agree with all of this."
"This person most likely has an undiagnosed personality disorder, and she is sucking you in."
"None of this is your problem."
"You need to cut contact because she's just going to keep sucking you dry and separating you from your actual friends." ~ Pixedx3
"Your mother is a pushover lol."
"NTA, leave and use the time away to figure out how to cut this person out of your life forever."
"Also have a chat with your mom about boundaries and not being a doormat (probably won't go well, but you can try)." ~ AkiliDaniels
"You have allowed yourself to be sucked into this unhealthy dynamic."
"You are not this girl's partner, and she has taken you for granted."
"You committed to your friend's wedding, and it seems you are so taken for granted that you weren't even asked to help with the baby."
"Now she is posting on social media; you have an opportunity to block her."
"She can seek support from those who should be helping. NTA." ~ Individual_Metal_983
"NTA. Your Mom can move in with the unstable lady and her newborn."
"This situation is bonkers; you need to end it."
"Do it now, there will never be a good time, but do it now before your life gets completely taken over." ~ Laines_Ecossaises
"NTA. You need to start laying some hard boundaries NOW, or else this will either escalate or end the friendship."
"Please don't miss out on seeing your family because this woman has decided you are all she needs."
"She needs family and support, and she's abusing your kindness instead."
"She needs to move back in with the mommy she's been tattling on you to if she's so desperate for help."
"Also, shut that free babysitting stuff down NOW or else you're going to find a baby left at your doorstep while she 'runs errands.'" ~ TheRoadkillRapunzel
"NTA. Go have fun at your best friend's wedding."
"When she mentioned your past as a nanny, did she mention paying you, or did she expect you to do all this for free?"
"Besides, what kind of friend decides to drop her baby off with you when you're working from home?"
"Doesn't she realize that you'll be busy working and not be able to care for a baby during that time?"
"No, she's not your friend; she's using you."
"If she wants someone to be there for the baby and help him, that is the baby's father, and since her mom is on her side, why doesn't the mom move in with her?" ~ Brave-Fun-7984
"Baby mama doesn't even have a job!"
"She expects OP to do free childcare while working, while mama does who knows what."
"NTA and block and run." ~ shelwood46
"Absolutely NTA."
"You barely know this woman, yet you went out of your way to be kind and help her out with learning to navigate a new area/situation."
"Now suddenly you're expected to upend your life to take care of her and her child?"
"Holy friggin' entitlement!"
"I'd be telling these moms that they're more than welcome to go and play babysitter for her and the baby."
"Not your circus, not your monkeys." ~ ugh_idfk
"NTA. Even if you were the best of friends, she's expecting an awful lot."
"Especially without talking to you first."
"You didn't get pregnant."
"You didn't move to a new city."
"You didn't have a baby alone."
"You've been very generous with your time, but it certainly shouldn't be taking over your life."
"Have fun on your trip."
"Have someone else pick you up at the airport."
"Block your acquaintance on social media if that will help you enjoy the trip."
"I don't know why your mother wants you to get roped in on this nonsense, but now is a good time to set boundaries."
"When you get back, help her on YOUR terms, not on hers." ~ PhoenixRisingToday
"NTA, you are not responsible for this woman or her baby."
"Run fast, run far! "
"Puerto Rico should do it!"
"Seriously, this emotional vampire will suck the marrow from your bones if you let her."
"She was slagging off your pals in order to put a wedge between you and them and keep you for herself."
"She's going to take, take, take, until you have nothing left."
"Stick to your original plan, and if you're lucky, she'll refuse to speak to you when you get back in a month."
"If she doesn't cut you off, you need to take a big step back and enforce some boundaries."
"No moving in."
"No free nannying."
"No free babysitting while you are working from home."
"Enjoy your time back home!" ~ Dimac99
"NTA. You have the perfect way to cut this off. Go!"
"Why is she in your city with no job or family?"
"She has no ties, so she needs to go home to momma."
"And momma is very weird for wanting you to take care of grandbaby's birth instead of her being there."
"If you give in, you will be stuck with this very strange person and raise her baby."
"Cut her off right now." ~ dontlikebeige
You have the FULL support of Reddit, OP.
This is A LOT!
You have NO obligation to this woman or her child.
And your Mom's behavior is also shocking!
You take care of yourself.
Safe travels and good luck!
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp