Guilt can be a powerful motivator. Some people weaponize guilt to get what they want.
Other people are susceptible to feeling guilty even when they haven't done anything wrong.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her feelings of guilt.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
No-Payment-653 asked:
"AITAH for not paying for a subscription for my boyfriend’s stepsister?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My boyfriend (28, male) and I have been together for almost three years. We’re mostly long-distance. His family lives in Florida, while I’m based in Asia, so I haven’t actually met them in person yet."
"My boyfriend is a huge family guy and loves his siblings very much. He has six younger siblings on his mom’s side, and he’s always wanted me to be involved with his younger brothers and sisters."
"It’s important to him, so it became important to me too."
"About a year and a half ago, one of his stepsisters (19, female) became interested in learning graphic design, which is the field I work in (I’m an art director/designer). We started having lessons once a week, usually around 40 minutes to an hour. I genuinely enjoy our calls. She’s bright, smart, and eager to learn, and teaching her has also helped me feel closer to his siblings despite never meeting them in person."
"To help her learn, I gave her access to my personal account for the design programs I use. Honestly, I was never entirely comfortable sharing my personal login and password, but the subscription costs around $60/month, and I know their family is tight on money, so I thought sharing my account was the easiest solution."
"Here’s where the problem started."
"A couple of months ago, my company changed how we access our design programs. When I first joined, it was a startup, so they literally sent me money every month to pay for the subscription through my personal account. Now that the company has grown and become more structured, they purchased the software directly and connected it to our company email and system."
"Because of that, I cancelled my personal subscription. Naturally, my boyfriend’s stepsister lost access. She messaged me today saying she couldn’t log in anymore, and I explained what happened. She was very appreciative and said she would talk to her stepfather about getting her own subscription. Later, she came back and said it was too expensive and asked whether I could share my work account instead."
"I told her I could double-check with HR on Monday, but I highly doubt I’m allowed to do that. My work email is connected to the company’s central drive and other company resources, so obviously I’m not comfortable giving someone outside the company access to it."
"There’s been some back and forth about finding another way for her to access the programs, and I’ve started feeling guilty. At the same time, I don’t really feel like paying for her subscription should be my responsibility. I feel like that should fall on her parents. I suggested looking into a student discount, but she doesn’t think she qualifies because none of the siblings attend college. They were homeschooled throughout their lives."
"This is where things became tense between my boyfriend and me."
"He has his own frustrations with his mom and stepfather. They frequently have financial problems, and his younger siblings have lived pretty sheltered lives. He has also sent his family money here and there over the years."
"Today, while we were talking about the subscription situation, I told him that I feel bad for his siblings because I think it’s unfair that they’re in this position because of choices their parents have made regarding their education and finances. He got really angry with me and said I was out of line for saying that."
"I understand why that comment upset him, and I do feel guilty about it. I know it’s his family, and I probably crossed a boundary by criticizing his parents."
"But the whole subscription situation is also making me uncomfortable because I’m starting to feel like there’s an expectation that I should just pay for it and make the problem go away."
"I don’t feel like I’ve been unwilling to help his family. When my company gave me a work laptop, I gave my old laptop to my boyfriend. When he eventually bought himself a new one, he asked if he could give my old laptop to his siblings, and I agreed. I make time for weekly design lessons with his sister, and I’ve sent his siblings gifts for Christmas and New Year."
"I genuinely care about them."
"But paying for this subscription would mean committing to around $60/month for more than a year, and there’s also a cancellation fee if I end the contract early. I could technically afford it, but I know I would feel resentful paying for something because I felt pressured or guilted into doing it."
"At the same time, I feel terrible for his stepsister. She wants to learn, she’s motivated, and none of this is her fault. I have a stable job, I travel, and I’ve built a comfortable setup for myself, so part of me keeps wondering whether I’m being selfish when I’m in a position where I could help her."
"AITAH for not wanting to pay for her subscription?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong to not pay $720 for software for her boyfriend’s sister (NTA).
"She’s 19. She needs to get a job and then she can buy the subscription herself. If her family won’t let her for whatever reason, not your problem. NTA." ~ MaddyKet
"Assuming she can't get a job for whatever reason, why is the boyfriend not offering to pay for it?" ~ londonerinberlin
"That is the other obvious solution if she can't pay for it herself. If he wants it for her, he pays for it.I do question however if she's 19 with no formal education and she's not studying in higher education, how viable a career path this is for her." ~ Beth21286
"Makes me wonder how many other 'girlfriends' he’s got that are on the hook for buying things/free services. His reaction doesn’t sound like he’s very invested in the relationship; he’s just in it for a free ride." ~ Glum-Avocado-9404
"OP doesn't even say that anyone asked her to pay for the subscription. She just feels guilty because she had previously provided it and now doesn't." ~ PeacefulCW
"She needs to check resources, sometimes libraries have vast catalogs of lessons and tools for learning." ~ Negative-Bottle-776
"Yeah, as long as we're not talking VERY specialized or niche applications, she very likely can find free or cheaper alternatives that she at least can make do with for the time being. And figuring out how to get that going is a useful thing to learn anyway."
"Like come on, there's free open-source software like GIMP and Krita and Inkscape. Likely many more which I'm simply not aware of. They might not fully rival professional software like their Adobe Suite equivalents, but you sure can teach yourself a solid basis using those free options, especially the actual learning and understanding concepts and methods part (i.e. what's most important)." ~ IchPutzHierNurMkay
"In this day and age, someone insisting they need a $60 per month subscription to a particular design software is likely on the grift. Either that, or too stupid to think of a creative solution for themselves. If the latter, then probably not cut for a job in the creative arts, if we're brutally honest." ~ ChaoticR8chel
"They do not hand out adobe subscriptions at the library, sadly. But there are def free or much cheaper alternatives, they're not industry standard but if you're just learning it's fine I think." ~ kreludorian
"At 19 it isn’t on a quasi-stranger overseas to bankroll her career tools, especially when OP already invested time, teaching, and even a laptop. Wanting to help ≠ being financially responsible for her."
"Maybe the kinder middle ground is pointing her toward free/cheaper software while keeping boundaries firm with boyfriend and > his family." ~ Lost-Image-1367
"NTA. Do NOT talk to HR about this. The answer is 1,000% you're not allowed to share your work login for anything. ANYTHING."
"The only things talking to HR will accomplish are letting you feel like you 'tried' and waving a big red flag in HR's face. They know where you are logging in from and for what you're logging in."
"The only real question is are you willing to buy boyfriend’s sister a subscription or not. There really aren't other options." ~ authorinthesunset
"I work in business in a related field, and I can tell you, absolutely do not ask HR and do not share your login. You can get fired and rightfully so if you give an outsider access to company systems."
"It’s easy to track where logins come from, and it’s easy to pin it on you. Also, what if she accesses your work projects and messes something inadvertently up? Protect your source of income." ~ BellaFromSwitzerland
"OP will get fired if she’s crazy enough to ask HR if she can share work logins and work resources like this." ~ Realistic-Try7845
"Even if HR was your best friend asking, 'Hey, can I give access to all of the business's information to the stepsister of this guy I'm dating in another country?' would get you fired. ~ Supposed_too
As many pointed out, OP is already providing free classes.
Their boyfriend or his stepsister can look into finding a free design program for her to use or some way to pay for her subscription.
