When two people fall in love and start a new relationship after they've both experienced failed marriages, it's fair that they would want this relationship to work where the first did not.
But making that relationship work should not come at the expense of other people involved, like children, pointed out the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Unhappy_Lime_885 was getting increasingly frustrated with his father and stepmother for forcing him to spend quality time with his "clingy" stepsister, even when they went to school.
So for his latest school project, in a class he shared with his stepsister, the Original Poster (OP) refused to be paired with her for the project to get some much-needed time away from her.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for asking a teacher not to pair me and my stepsister together for a school project?"
The OP recently wanted to work with someone other than his stepsister for a school project.
"I (16 Male) am the same age as my stepsister. We have a couple of classes together and one of those is Social Studies."
"Our teacher had talked about a project coming up where we'd be put into pairs and expected to work together for a prolonged period of time."
"I knew my stepsister would want to be paired with me, so a couple of weeks before the pairs were assigned, I asked the teacher if she could not pair us up."
"She and I talked for a few minutes and she assured me we wouldn't be. I was relieved."
"Then when we were paired up, my stepsister asked the teacher why she wasn't with me."
"The teacher told her that she wanted to give everyone the chance to do the project with someone they hadn't worked with before."
The teacher was then blamed for the OP's wishes.
"My stepsister went home and complained to her mom. Then her mom complained to my dad."
"Then they both complained to the teacher and lied and told her that both my stepsister and I had complained to them."
"The teacher was like, 'I thought the OP didn't want to be paired with his stepsister, so I didn't pair them up.'"
"This resulted in a fight between my teacher and parents."
The OP's father then criticized him for wanting to work separately.
"Then my dad asked me what the h**l I had done. He said I knew my stepsister would want to be with me and I went out of my way to be with anyone else."
"He said she only wants to have some time with me, and working together would have been a great bonding experience for us since I have never put much focus on bonding with her."
"They think I'm a d**k now and my stepsister was upset. She heard my dad and her mom yelling about it, and she was hurt I didn't want to be paired with her."
But the OP just wanted some time to himself.
"The reason I didn't want to pair with her is I did not want to spend all that time with her on the project."
"She's always trying to cling on to me and I don't like it."
"I don't dislike her, but I'm not interested in being her friend or anything either. I'm polite, I'm civil, but I don't care about being close. I'd never get time to myself if I gave in."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some thought the OP was NTA but needed to be more communicative about his needs.
"Well, you're definitely NTA, but it might create challenges for everyone and affect your relationships if you don't express your thoughts directly."
"It's a good idea to have a conversation with them and provide a detailed explanation of why you need personal space, and also make it clear that you don't feel obligated to do everything with your stepsister, but communicate this in a respectful manner."
"I can empathize with why your dad and stepmom reacted strongly, but they won't fully understand your perspective unless you speak up."
"You could also try to reassure your stepsister a bit, as I can imagine she genuinely wanted to bond with you and might feel disappointed that you didn't reciprocate those feelings but absolutely don't give in to that, because it could just make you feel even more cramped in your own place. If it doesn't sit right with you, stand your ground." - NobodyGlittering9052
"NTA. People should respect your boundaries."
"But it reads to me like your stepsister is reaching out and trying to have a good relationship with you. Perhaps you could try and meet her halfway? If you have a good relationship with her, she will understand that you also need time to yourself."
"I can totally understand that you don't want to be joined at the hip with her. Communicating this to her in an empathetic and kind way will help." - RegularCandidate4057
"Your parents suck really badly. Not like a 'special' amount relative to other boundary-stomping, forced-bonding parents on this particular forum but don't miss the signals you are receiving here, trust your instincts and advocate for yourself. Because your parents aren't your advocates or even neutral in their actions, rather they consciously take action to your detriment."
"Address this, accept it as your reality for now, and act always first and foremost for your interests solely. Do not accept guilt, do not feel bad, for not following their predefined template of what your life is supposed to be; live your own life, and don't apologize for it, ever."
"Good luck; I'm sorry." - ajettas
"NTA. You're allowed to not have to invest your time with your stepsister. Your parents shouldn't have lied to the teacher. You should probably have a clear talk with your parents about how she is acting and set a boundary on how much she's in your face. She's not allowed to force you to do things, just as you wouldn't be allowed to force her to do things."
"For the record, I think group projects are always bad ideas." - chocolate_chip_kirsy
"If you can, make an appointment with a school counselor and get it put on the record that you do not want to work with your stepsis for future classes and activities. A counselor can also help you communicate your boundaries, and give you advice for enforcing those boundaries." - PeachyKeenPopcorn
Others reassured the OP that his parents needed to respect his boundaries more.
"I would go back to the teacher and thank her. Tell her your parents lied about you wanting to pair up with the sister and you really appreciate someone in your life respecting your boundaries." - Music_withRocks_In
"OP, you should talk to your counselor and have them be in the middle. Make sure to explain why so the counselor can communicate an appropriate message to your parents if they come crashing in, which doesn't get you in hot water with your family, like what happened in your post."
"You and the teacher did nothing wrong though, NTA. Your parents are AHs for not asking you if you wanted to be in the project with your step-sister. Instead, they imposed their will on you and even took it so far as to speak on your behalf when confronting the teacher."
"I'm not sure what's up with the stepsister, but she may just be lonely. Try to be kind if you can, but you have a good head for enforcing your boundaries." - pdubs1900
"The parents are exhibiting this whole step thing that some parents have. They expect their kids to just embrace the fact that they now have a step-sibling and that they should be the best of friends. When they don't, they then try to force it, which actually makes it worse." - Browneyedgirl63
"It's dumb that parents try to force step-siblings together because if relationships were that simple, then OP's parents should never have divorced. Instead of saying you gotta love your stepsister because we're a family, imagine if OP came back with, 'None of this would be an issue if you loved mom like you were supposed to.'"
"There is some irony in two people coming from failed relationships forcing their relationship ideals onto their kids." - WhackAMoleWings
"I have twins. Their kindy teacher asked me to have them put in different classes for pre-primary. They felt my daughter would develop better without her twin being in the same class. It worked really well."
"In Year Six, they asked to put them back together because they said my son was coasting instead of working to his full potential, and his sister was the only one who could challenge him. My daughter was well and truly her own person by then, so we agreed. That also worked. WE based both of those decisions on their relationship at the time."
"Now they are 16, share a couple of classes, and it's no hassle at all." - regus0307
"NTA. You have the right not to have your education damaged by a forced relationship. Getting you and your stepsister to bond is NOT what school is for."
"Go to the teacher and apologize for your lying parental figures. Ask the teacher to help advocate for you with all your other teachers so you never have to work together."
"Tell them about the bullying from your parent and refer to the clinginess as creepy and boundary crossing. Also, talk to your guidance counselor and request NOT to be in classes with her if possible in the future." - TiredAndTiredOfIt
After receiving feedback, the OP shared how he'd followed up with his teacher.
"I ended up thanking my teacher the day after the call happened. I apologized for my dad's part in it too."
"She was just sorry she told them I had asked her. She was genuinely confused by my parents' behavior and then worried I had been trying to get her into trouble for some reason."
"But she also figured before I talked to her again that my dad and his wife's reaction was why I had gone to her in the first place."
"It's crazy to think your parent will call to try and get you a specific project partner in high school."
While the subReddit could understand how the parents hoped their children would get along and their relationship would come together into a cohesive, loving family unit, they did believe there was such a thing as forcing a relationship and establishing unhealthy boundaries.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp