Are minor children ever responsible for financially supporting their parents' or stepparent's wants or needs?
A teen being told to give his mother and stepfather money he received from his late father's family turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
LanSolswo asked:
"AITAH because I won't let my mom and stepdad use my money to pay for a different kind of skin graft for my stepsister?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Before my mom met my stepdad, my stepsister (12, female)—we're not biologically related—was badly burned and ended up needing skin grafts. Her face, chest and belly were burned."
"Her chest and belly weren't as bad, but her face was and she needed a few skin grafts. You could always tell she had skin grafts and burns and she's been bullied in school on and off because of it."
"Two years ago, my stepdad found out about some different type of skin graft or treatment that can make it look better. But it was expensive."
"My mom and him started saving up for that because insurance doesn't cover it, but then she needed emergency surgery for her appendix and they had to use that money to cover some of the medical bills. They didn't have a lot saved to begin with."
"I (17, male) spent the summer out of state with my dad's family like I do every ear. My dad died when I was 5 and most of my summer's are spent with them."
"This year they sent me home with a lot of money. It's in an account they made for me that I can access at any time."
"In mid-September my mom found out about the account because she saw me access it and saw how much I had in it. She asked where it came from and I told her."
"Then she asked me why I never mentioned it and I told her I didn't see why I'd have to. She told my stepdad and the two of them told me the money in the account would help pay a large % of the new skin graft they want my stepsister to have."
"They told me they could find a way to make up the rest. I told them I wasn't giving them the money for that though."
"My stepdad asked me why the hell not and I said because it's not for her, it's for me. My mom tried over the next few weeks to bring me around, but she couldn't."
"By now she's told me about three times that she's disappointed in me and she doesn't understand why I wouldn't want my stepsister's life to get better. My stepdad told me I shouldn't spend Thanksgiving with them if I won't help my stepsister."
"He said Thanksgiving is for families and I'm not acting much like a brother. I told him that's because I'm a stepbrother, not a brother."
"We've never been close—there's no bond between us. If my mother divorced him tomorrow, I'd never see her again and my mother probably wouldn't either."
"So I won't be spending Thanksgiving with them."
"But AITAH for not using the money for my stepsister?"
The OP later added:
"My grandparents gave me the money now because they knew I had stuff I needed for school (high school) like certain things upgraded. They also wanted me to be able to move out and rent somewhere at 18 if I chose to do that because I had talked about it."
"So they wanted me to have the money now and not when it was too late or if something happened."
"Only my grandparents or I can make changes or withdraw money from the account. My grandparents already covered that for me. They wanted to keep the money safe."
"They mentioned they wanted me to be able to pay for stuff I need for school or if I want to move out at any point, I can do that without struggling with bills at first."
"They said there's more money after I turn 19 that dad left me. Not a huge amount, but I know dad made sure I would have something before he died and his family wants to make sure I can transition into independence easier (their words)."
My mom and stepdad can't access the account. They don't know all the account details and their names aren't connected to it. Only me and my grandparents can access it."
"I can't move in with my dad's family right now. I still have to finish high school and my dad's family lives in another state."
"I know I would never get the money back. They never offered or even mentioned any plan to pay it back."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not responsible for his stepfather's child (NTA).
"OP, any money you receive from your dad (or his side) is yours and yours alone; therefore, you are NOT the AH. Your mom and stepdad have no right to put their hands in YOUR cookie jar!"
"Your mom betrayed you. YOUR inheritance is none of your stepdad's business! In both disclosing its existence and in pressuring you to donate it, your mom is betraying you."
"Your mom and stepdad are pressuring you, a minor in their custody, to use your wealth for purposes that do NOT benefit you, but them. Your paternal grandparents need to know about this ASAP."
"Your grandparents need to know that your mom and stepdad were pressuring you to give them that money. There are ways to set up their estate so that it goes to you, only you, and nobody can take it from you."
"If they have considerable assets, they should consider consulting with an estate-planning attorney. S/he can set up their estate to ensure that your mom and stepdad never get their hands on their assets." ~ TinkerbellRockNRolls
"Please get your grandparents to help you go online and lock your credit. Make sure they haven't already opened anything in your name. If your mom and stepdad truly wanted to help his daughter, they would work extra jobs or get loans. Any parent would."
"They are trying to take the easy way out. They should be ashamed of themselves. Your dad's family is probably doing what he asked them to. He'd want you to have that money for your future." ~ Dapper-Platform-6520
"NTA. That's the money your dad would have left for you to secure your future. It's wrong for them to try to force you to give it up. Sorry about your stepsister, but your mum and stepdad should just find another way." ~ Agitated-Mistake-415
"I'm going out on a limb and assuming there's a reason the dad's family set it all up for OP with his mom out of the loop." ~ RockAtlasCanus
"Asking a kid to bankroll their lives is wild when they're fully capable of working more themselves. That's not support, that's straight-up financial guilt-tripping." ~ LowWritingsss
"Stepfather, mother, and the stepsister's biological mother can get the money together for this operation. OP is already donating money, in a way, since any money their mom is saving for this operation isn't going toward OP's needs." ~ Dry_Prompt3182
"NTA, because the money is in no way meant for your stepfather, his daughter, or even your mother for that matter. Them banishing you from Thanksgiving only proves that they are now willing to marginalize you to get their hands on it and it won't stop there."
"Make certain you keep your funds safely tucked away and you may even have to let your dad's family know that any future money passed along to you needs to be safeguarded because your mother and her husband feel entitled to it." ~ roxywalker
"Confirm that your mom also is uninviting you from Thanksgiving, so that later down the road she is not able to say that SHE didn't do that." ~ soihavetosay
"Did they contact Shriner's Hospitals or set up a GoFundMe or do fundraisers? If not, then they don't need your money, it's just easier for them to take yours instead of trying to get it themselves."
"They essentially kicked you out, even if it's just for one day. That's excellent grounds, combined with them pressuring you to financially support them, for emancipation so you can move out before you're 18 and live with friends until graduation or in your own place." ~ MohawMais
"I feel for your stepsister but NTA, this money is for you and for your future. The responsibility of making your stepsister's life better is on her parents, not you." ~ vortexaoth
"NTA. So if anything happens to your stepdad, instead of leaving his daughter an inheritance, he'd be perfectly fine with your mother using that money to support her future spouse/stepchildren?"
"Money is a poor consolation for losing your dad. You have already lost a lot, how dare they try and deprive you of even more, especially because in his absence the only way your dad could realistically help you & secure your future is financially."
"It is an insult to suggest that the money a parent has left to their only child be taken away to be used for another person's child." ~ Last-Butterscotch-68
"As a burns nurse, none of this sounds legit to me. Once the skin is healed you wouldn't do new skin grafts."
"There are other treatments like laser to help improve the look of grafts, but why would they create a whole new wound to repair with more grafting?"
"Maybe this is something offered in other countries but I've never come across this before."
"Either way, dont let them guilt you into giving them the money. They are her father and stepmother, so it's their job to provide for her needs."
"This money is what your dad provided for you. They are being incredibly manipulative to use the language they have and threats to not include you to try to get your money." ~ bitofapuzzler
OP has the right to use his money for his needs.
He's not obligated to use his inheritance to financially support his mother and stepfather.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp