In the United States, nearly 50,000 organ transplants are performed annually. But over 100,000 people are currently on the national transplant waiting list.
While most people think of deaths after accidents as the source of transplant organs, living donors can share a kidney, liver tissue, lung tissue, as well as other tissues with a compatible recipient.
About 6,500 living donation transplants take place each year in the United States.
A young man being pressured to donate a kidney turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Exo_Skeleton99 asked:
"AITAH for refusing to donate a kidney to my stepdad that raised me and paid for my college?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"So my stepdad (56, male) has severe kidney failure is looking for a transplant. His immediate family isn't compatible, so my mom told me (27, male) to get myself tested."
"I'm a bit wary of the risks of a kidney transplant, so I was hoping the whole time that I wouldn't be compatible. The results came back and turns out I was."
"Even though I'm afraid of the transplant, I was considering it for a while as my stepdad is a great guy. He joined our family while I was in high school and took me in like his own. When he married my mom, he told me that he'll take care of my tuition and other living costs for me."
"I told my mom the results, but SPECIFICALLY asked her to keep it quiet for a few days so I could have some time to process it. At the same time, I was also hoping another donor would come in to help out."
"Alas, literally the next day the whole family was texting me and giving me their thanks already."
"I didn't want to cave in to the pressure, so I told them that I'll not be doing it. My stepdad was incredibly graceful and just said that he understands."
"The problem is my mom and other family members went absolutely ballistic. They called me all sorts of names, and said that if it weren't for my stepdad we would've been out on the streets."
"I do think that she's right regarding that, but at the same time, I'm just not ready to go through the whole operation."
"Also, it really left a bad taste in my mouth how I feel like they just EXPECT me to do it as if it's the easiest thing to do, while they don't have that same pressure put upon them as they're all incompatible."
"Anyways, I might still go back on my decision as I do have the time, but right now I'm just not sure."
"AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP wasn't wrong to want time and no pressure to make his decision (NTA).
"If you live in the US, there are donor programs where anyone can give one of their kidneys to a stranger, and return they receive a voucher to give to the person of their choice to bypass the list."
"So anyone in your family or friend circle or a complete stranger can save him, it is not solely on your shoulders."
"Please pass the word, if you live in the US, don’t allow people to demonize others for not donating if they themselves have 2 healthy kidneys."
"OP, unless everyone condemning or pressuring you hasn't donated a kidney yet or signed up to donate one once a match is found, tell them their hypocrites that need to STFU. Judgement is easy, but selfless action? That’s just heroic." ~ Sweet-Lobster9977
"Damn, so anyone in that circle could step up, donate to a stranger, and secure a voucher to get the step-dad a matching kidney. That completely removes incompatibility as an excuse." ~ tillybean331
"I got a kidney transplant 10 years ago thanks to this system, and thanks to my uncle who gave his kidney to a stranger. I wish everyone understood that 'matching' does not matter anymore." ~ Veni-Vidi-ASCII
"OP, here is the answer, your mom and everyone criticizing you can donate and get a voucher for your stepfather. If they refuse to do it, tell them they can't pressure you ever again." ~ XxCarlxX
"I listened to someone who went through that program and donated to a stranger to help a high school friend who was on the list.. her donation created a domino effect and she ended up saving not only her friend and the stranger's life, but also hundreds of other lives."
"It really is amazing… that said, it a huge f*cking deal to donate an organ and no one should be making OP feel bad for not wanting to do it, especially if they won't, it’s a huge thing." ~ OriginalSchmidt1
"My MIL donated her kidney to get her neighbor (who she was not a match to) bumped to the top of the list. He had to wait a few months, but went right to the top and receieved his when a match became available."
"The neighbor still has no idea she did it for him. She's pretty awesome. BUT this is a major surgery and my MIL is retired, so she's not facing the same things in life that OP currently is."
"I hope OP can pass this info onto his family that's pestering him and blaming him for this perceived lack of help. It's a major surgery and he is right to be hesitant." ~ dawnmadi
"Anyone unwilling to put their kidney where their mouth is needs to STFU.
"I almost lost a dear friend to kidney failure. He very likely had days left, not weeks, when a tragic miracle saved his life. I've seen what a difference a single organ donation can make across a spectrum of lives.
"I can't donate an organ due to my own medical issues. And even if I could, I'm not sure if I would. I don't blame anyone at all for choosing not to."
"But shaming someone else for not doing so while having two kidneys and never having given up a liver lobe, and not even being on the donor list and ready to follow through, is behavior that should be shamed." ~ Alert-Potato
"OP, say you'll do it if every single person pressuring you signs up for this. If they back out, they can't ever complain or insult you again."
"It'll set them against each other too, possibly, and the heat will be off you." ~ DreddPirateBob808
"so i'm a kidney donor. in my experience the people that do the donor programs take the voluntary nature of it extremely serious, if they catch a whiff of coercion or unwillingness, they won't want you as a donor."
"if you want to take the path of least resistance, tell your family you changed your mind, you'll do it, and then when you get to the clinic tell them you're being pressured. they'll disqualify you and come up with a plausible medical reason why you can't donate."
"i should say though, that the risks of donating are never zero, but they're very, very low. tomorrow will be four years since i donated and i genuinely can't tell the difference. the stuff i need to do to take care of myself is all basic staying healthy sh*t, drink a lot of water, watch what i eat, stuff like that."
"the only real sacrifice is, i can't eat ibuprofin like pez like i used to."
"it isn't something you should do if you're not 100% sure you want to do it, and you can not want to do it for any reason or none at all, but if you're on the fence at all about it, it might be worth your while to gather some more info." ~ estolad
"I am also a donor and I agree with all of this! The donor program can 'run another test' and tell your family that it disqualifies you without telling your family anything other than you can no longer do it." ~ mollimichelle
"I will second this as a living kidney donor. I’m 11 years out in 2 weeks - I can’t take NSAIDs, and recovery was a little harder than it should’ve been because it was June in Louisiana and walking outside is hard enough without recovering from major surgery that temporarily reduces your kidney function to around 55%."
"I had a successful and complication-free pregnancy 4 years after donation, and any other changes to my body could just as easily be explained by aging 11 years. I still get my panels run annually and they’re the same as before I donated. I do have a wicked scar through my belly button because they couldn’t use my existing Cesarean scar, but my nieces and nephew still have a dad so I’m proud of it now."
"That being said, it isn’t without risks. That’s what the testing is for but there could always be something unknown and unforeseeable. And no one should ever take donation lightly."
"It’s really easy to be told you’re an a**hole by people who aren’t about to go under the knife. I spent a month absolutely on the verge of panic because I’d never been under general anesthesia before the donation, but it all worked out okay."
"I don’t ever judge anyone who doesn’t want to or cannot donate. It was the right choice for me and my family, and I’m happy I did it. But that’s not something that can be applied to anyone else’s situation. That was just us, and just then." ~ Jade_Echo
No one should be pressured into doing anything with their body against their will.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp