Content Warning: Bullying, Homophobia, Estrangement, Organ Donation, Organ Transplant
While it's important to not live in the past, there are hurts like bullying that stay with you.
It's especially painful when supposed loved ones dismiss the hurt a bullied person could still be experiencing, agreed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Delicious-Hat-2395 was bullied ruthlessly all through high school, especially once he was outed, and he was shocked later when that bully was treated like family.
But when his family pushed him to "get over" what his bully had done, the Original Poster (OP) distanced himself from his family, even during their hour of need.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to donate my kidney to my dying sister because she got with my high school bully?"
The OP was brutally bullied by a guy in high school.
"I'm a 35-year-old gay man. When I was in high school, I was bullied severely by Darren. I won't go into the details, but it was really bad, past the point of typical high school douchebaggery."
"In my sophomore year, I made the mistake of coming out to one of my friends, who promptly spread this information around the school."
"Before this, Darren had targeted me for being unathletic and wearing glasses and had done this to a couple of other kids, as well, but after I was outed, his focus was only on me, and only because of my sexuality."
He thought he got a fresh start in college, but there was a rude awakening waiting for him.
"After high school, I moved away for college. I made friends, even got a boyfriend, and pretty much forgot about Darren."
"That was until one Thanksgiving when my sister, Ellie, brought home her boyfriend, Darren. Yes, the same Darren."
"No joke, the first thing he said when he saw me was, 'D**n, Ellie, you didn't tell me your brother was a [f-word].'"
"Ellie f**king laughed, as did my dad."
"I was kinda stunned, but I didn't yell or start a fight. I just got up and walked out."
The OP's family had clearly chosen sides.
"After the fact, my family tried to play it off, saying that Darren was joking because he was nervous meeting the family."
"They also told me that he and Ellie were serious, so I had to get over it."
"I just told them all that I wouldn't be attending any event where Darren was. In private, I told Ellie that I felt hurt that she'd date Darren, knowing what he did to me."
"She basically called me too sensitive and told me she has the right to date who she likes, which yeah, she does."
"Since then, I've been putting distance between myself and my family, who seem to have readily accepted Darren into the fold, to the point that Ellie and Darren are now married."
The OP's estranged family reached out when they needed something from him.
"Recently, my mom reached out to tell me that Ellie was in the hospital and needed a kidney transplant."
"The rest of the family had been tested and none could donate, and my mom wanted me to get tested because I'm her full brother with a high likelihood of a match."
"The thing is, after all these years, Ellie is basically a stranger to me."
"If I were to do this, I'd have to drive three states back to my hometown, miss who knows how much work, and give up a piece of my flesh, all for the woman who dated and eventually married the guy who made my high school days a living h**l."
"I told my mom that I wouldn't be getting tested, and she freaked out at me over the phone."
"I quickly hung up on her, but before I did, I heard her call me vindictive and a monster for refusing to save my sister's life."
"I admit, I feel guilty about it."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that this was his choice and likely not a reciprocated one.
"NTA. The question to ask yourself and to ask any family member who call is this: Would Ellie do this for you if you needed the kidney?"
"Most assuredly, the answer is NO. She treated you poorly and has not contacted you in years. Why would you endanger your life for someone who treated you badly and who married the one person who caused you immeasurable pain?"
"She has cut you out of her life and now she is in need, so you are supposed to forget all the pain and give her a kidney. I, for one, would travel back home just to tell her how horrible of a sister she has been and that you will be keeping your kidney just where it is."
"And just for fun, I would ask her husband if he is sure that he would want a GAY kidney in his wife because to may turn her gay!" - countryboy_1101
"NTA. No one is under any obligation to donate an organ to anyone else, ever. It does not matter if it is for your family or not. Given that you are not close to your sister, and she has no problem letting your homophobic bully continue to berate you, I wouldn't bother trying to help her, either." - rajortoa9
"She can go on dialysis while she's waiting for a non-family match."
"While technically she can date whomever she wants, I would tell your mom, dad, bully, and sister that maybe they should find a non-gay kidney that it might not, you know... contaminate her. If you're going to donate so much as an eyelash... it will be to non-homophobes."
"NTA." - VegetableBusiness897
"NTA. Stay away from that family. They not only disregard your feelings, but now they've only contacted you because of the potential for a donor match. Not even an apology. In my country, there's a saying, 'You reap what you sow,' and your sister and her family are certainly reaping it." - Edofate
"They should ask Darren to donate. He's her homophobic hubby after all, and she likes his 'jokes.'"
"They have programs where if you can get someone to donate, you get put to the top of the donation list. See if he'll do that for her." - ctsman8
Others agreed and also pointed out the risks of donating to a dearly loved one.
"NTA. Just so you know, anyone who volunteers to donate an organ is given the option to halt the process at any time, for any or no reason. Donating an organ is hugely personal and it's key to the healing of the donor that they be in the right frame of mind. You're not in the right frame of mind. I have a feeling you'd probably be rejected for that reason."
"Also, it's possible they're lying to you about other donors. They just don't want to do it themselves, so they've pinned it onto you." - Tangled_Up_In_Blue22
"You have to understand how big of a deal it is to donate a kidney. It's not just donating blood. It's a lifelong commitment. I wouldn't do this. (I mean, well, I would for my sister, but she's not a witch like yours.)" - 12heatedblankets
"NTA. Why should you do it for people who don't care about you? The testing alone and then giving up a kidney is a huge deal. It's her own fault that she treated you badly." - Honest_Bad_9715
"He should absolutely stay away, and he doesn't owe them anything. But if it makes his own life easier, he can always go get tested because the doctors will say he's not a match if he goes in and lets them know he has no intention of donating, does not want to do it, and is being coerced and pressured to be there."
"It's a really common scenario, and HIPAA prevents them from telling the family why he's not a match. But he isn't a match because he is not a willing donor."
"He doesn't have to do a damn thing but if he doesn't want to have to hear about it for the rest of his life in case his sister dies and he ever decided to speak to his parents (again he owes them nothing, but I have cut off family and it is a difficult thing to do) he can always go that route." - BojackTrashMan
"NTA."
"Nobody is an a**hole for not wanting to donate an organ, regardless of the reason. I say this as somebody who has twice received a kidney transplant."
"In terms of practical advice, this is what you do. Tell your family you have changed your mind, and you will 'of course' be happy to give your sister a kidney if you are a match."
"There is a process that follows. It begins with you phoning a number. They will send you a questionnaire that is lengthy, like 14 pages or so. Based on the responses to those questions, you may be rejected as a donor, or they may allow you to carry on to the blood test."
"If your blood is a match (and it's a lot more than just the blood type), then there is a third stage which includes a bigger medical check and a psychological examination."
"At no point in the process will anybody be told the results of any of your tests. You can say, at any time, 'I don't want to do this,' and all anybody will be told is, 'He is not a match.' They will never give the person the reason why."
"The entire process for organ donation depends on it being difficult to be accepted, and easy to be rejected in a manner that does not reflect in any way upon the person who is the proposed donor."
"There are two kinds of stories that the Kidney Foundation never wants to appear in the papers. The first is, 'Kidney donor dies on the operating table.' If there is even the slightest chance that donating will be a risk for you, you're out. The second is, 'I was forced to donate a kidney to....'"
"The donor is asked at every stage if they are in it 100% voluntarily. They don't ever want to see anyone throwing shade on the process."
"The donor MUST be all-in on the process. The screening process is lengthy and arduous, and if a part of you doesn't want to do it, whatever the reason, then don't complete the process."
"Let me just add that the physical process isn't that bad. I had a live donor for my first transplant. The surgery was on a Monday, she (55 years old) was out of hospital on Wednesday, and she was back to walking the Stanley Park Seawall on Friday (that's like, five kilometers). Not every donor will recover that quickly, but that gives you an idea of how well it can go."
"If at any point anybody asks you if you deliberately sabotaged the process, you can, with complete honesty and sincerity, say 'no.' You didn't sabotage it. They don't want you donating. You are not a match." - Odd_Connection_7167
The subReddit was disgusted by how the OP's family had treated him, likely concealing their homophobic tendencies until an outspoken homophobe like Darren entered their lives and gave them the kind of son they wanted.
It was clear that the OP should stay away from this family, even if he had the means to help. They weren't there for him when he likely went through physical as well as psychological bullying, and he didn't need to be there for them when there were other donor options on the transplant list.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp