Guy Berated By Family For Refusing To Get Tested To Be Organ Donor For His Abusive Dad

Content Warning: Organ Donation, Organ Transplant, Abusive Childhood

When a person is asked to be an organ donor, our gut reaction in most cases would be to help in any way we can if it means that we can save a life.

But organ donation can be a lot more complicated than just worrying about if two people are a match for each other, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.

Redditor StatementChoice9352 had been abused throughout his childhood by his father, and he did everything he could to separate himself from that household when he was old enough.

But when his siblings and mother told him that his father was dying, and they begged him to get tested to see if he'd be a match to donate to his father, the Original Poster (OP) could not imagine helping his abuser in that way.

He asked the sub:

"AITAH for refusing to consider being an organ donor for my abusive father, even after my siblings begged me to save him?"

The OP's father was abusive throughout his childhood.

"My father was abusive to me (20s Male), but he was never abusive to my siblings (all are eight or more years younger than me)."

"We're full siblings. He is my father as much as theirs. But he always treated me like sh*t, and our mother allowed it, so I don't have anything too nice to say about her, either."

"In her own way, she tried to be there for me, but she didn't save me from him, and she sure as hell didn't prioritize making my life better."

"The abuse my father inflicted on me was physical and emotional, and it lasted my entire childhood."

"I know he never did the same to my siblings. They told me (and I know not everyone can see it), but I have witnessed him with them, and the difference is night and day. I'd even say he was a good parent to them, and if I didn't exist, he could be called a good father overall."

"But I WAS there, and he did abuse and hate me. He didn't care what happened to me."

The OP felt apathetic when he found out that his father was terminally ill.

"I'm not going into specifics about which organ or what his condition is, but my father is now sick and needs a transplant. Think kidney or liver. I'll also say that this condition wasn't self-inflicted, because I know that gets asked when stuff like this comes up."

"My mother and siblings were all tested and didn't match, and my father's siblings and some of their kids were tested, and there wasn't a match. Some of his friends got tested, and they weren't a match."

"They have him on the transplant list, but he keeps getting sicker, and they don't know if a match will come forward in time."

The OP was not interested in enrolling on the organ donor list.

"My siblings reached out to me to ask me to get tested and donate if I'm a match. They told me it's looking really bad, and he could die."

"They said they can't lose him, and they know I hate him, they know he put me through hell and abused me, but they wanted me to do it for them instead of him. So they can have him for another however many years."

"They were pleading and frantic and even offered to make sure I got some money from our parents to make up for everything."

"I felt bad for them and how awful they felt, but I told them I couldn't put myself through something like that to save his life. I said even for them it was too big of an ask."

The OP said no when the family kept pressuring him to get tested.

"They brought up how serious this is again, and I told them I know, but it won't be from me if he gets what he needs. I told them I needed them to accept it and focus on being there with him."

"They said some stuff after. I won't go into it all, and I'm not even mad because they're still so young and their experience with the man is SO different than mine. None of them were ever abused."

"But I have grappled with whether or not I should have agreed for them. I wonder if I should at least get tested. Knowing if everyone else wasn't a match, the likelihood I would be was tiny anyway, and I could have spared them the upset."

"AITAH?"

Fellow Redditors weighed in:

• NTA: Not the A**hole
• YTA: You're the A**hole
• ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
• NAH: No A**holes Here

Some reassured the OP that he did not owe his abuser and enablers anything, especially an organ.

"I think I would feel disgusted knowing MY organ is what's keeping my abuser alive."

"I can't believe how selfish your siblings are being. How dare they... 'Do it for them,' they say? But what about you? You also deserved to have a good dad, someone who was supposed to protect you and help you grow."

"Yet you got the opposite because of this man's cruelty. Why should you sacrifice your life, health, and comfort for them to enjoy his presence longer?"

"Not that it changes much, but has he ever apologized? He didn't even have the decency to come beg himself and sent his other kids, the ones he treated well to convince you he wasn't total garbage, how nice..."

"I understand the comments telling you to consider lying that you're not a match even if you are, but you're right, it's a heavy secret to keep and would make things even worse if they find out later."

"Maybe you won't be a match and should do the test just to get this over with, while keeping your relationship with your siblings intact. But if you are a match and this information gets out, the pressure would be 10 times bigger. You need to think about your options and decide what's best for you." - Tasty-Answer-8183

"Not a match? None? Wow. Ok, so you don't owe an organ to anyone. It is a gift. Not a debt. Major surgery comes with exceptional risks."

"NTA. I would not do it for very good health reasons. That is to the side of the social ones. Just because we can do things, does not mean we should... Kidneys, livers, hearts, etc... Harvested or donated by the living, and yet they usually only net a fraction of the time a healthy person would have."

"Should you donate an organ, shorten your life, spend a lifetime on medicines to support your degraded body, to buy him a fraction? No. Is this selfish? I suppose it is. The doctors will charge you and the insurance companies a fortune, promise outcomes that won't materialize, and leave your family with two broken people."

"Or you have a man that will die at his appointed time, and you will live a whole life. Now, if an organ donor dies, and he can receive that organ and live... That is a better situation, and it should happen if possible. Again, NTA." - thequiethunter

"You're not the AH."

"I am a liver donor to a really good friend, so I'm speaking from experience. The medical team is working FOR you to ensure the well-being of the donor; they will prioritize the donor over the patient (as the patient is already sick anyway)."

"So if you tell them you're not comfortable donating, they will take you off the list and communicate that you're not a suitable donor to the rest of the family after their assessment, and your family can't refute that. End of story." - PlumNotion

"NTA. I wouldn't get tested, either. The transplant isn't for them; it's for him."

"They should come to peace with the fact that he may pass soon. The fact that they asked you tells they don't care about the abuse you suffered; they only care about themselves." - Creepy-Stable-6192

"NTA."

"But have you considered lying? Your father will be dead soon; your siblings may have been unaware of the abuse or too young to contemplate it. If there's even the remotest chance you want to continue a relationship with them now as adults (the only family you have left, I presume?), then cutting them off to get back at your father may not be the best choice."

"Obviously, you're not going to get tested and donate a kidney. But just tell them you got tested and you're not a match, then they'll stop asking you." - LowCalorieCheesecake

Others urged the OP to stay safe, since this might be hereditary.

"You may need that kidney later. Keep it. Besides, donated organs really don't last forever. And donated organs sometimes get rejected, and then all of this was for, what?" - Wingbow7

"NTA."

"And if it's not a lifestyle issue that's caused the problem, who knows, down the line, you or your potential child might develop the same condition, and the donation could put you at a disadvantage. Or not allow you to be a donor for your own children."

"And frankly, you don't even need a reason. He doesn't deserve it, and donating is far from risk-free for the donor, even a young healthy person. You might be prepared to accept the risk for a beloved family member but not for an abuser."

"And if the donation failed, what a waste that would be, for a person who does not deserve it." - Wonderful_Citron_518

"My mum is on dialysis. She won't let me or any of my siblings get tested. Two of us have kids, and she said it's in case either of her grandchildren needs it. I would do it, but then my mum isn't a raging a**hole." - mad2109

"Mom has possible kidney disease (still testing). Dad jokingly said that maybe I could donate a kidney. Mom went hell no! I feel that organs should be given to younger people, like top down, rather than the younger giving to the older. And I LOVE my mom." - Bright_Amphibian_755

"If his current illness was not self-inflicted, as you say, then it could possibly be genetic or hereditary."

"Which means you could have the same problem in the future."

"There's no sense in you sacrificing an organ now when you may need to survive later."

"So get tested to see if you may have the same condition, so you'll be prepared in the future."

"But tell the doctor about being pressured and offered money to cross you off the list."

"Besides, if they have tested all those family and friends already, I'm sure more than one of them told the doctor they didn't want to be a match, either, honestly."

"NTA." - Better-Turnover2783

While it can be an incredible gesture to donate an organ to help save someone's life, it can also be a life-altering act that could have horrible repercussions for the donor, especially if they develop the same or a similar condition in the future.

In the OP's situation, it's especially awful to think about with the patient being none other than the person who abused him throughout his childhood, and who did not even have the courtesy or bravery to ask for the donation himself.

It seemed clear to the subReddit that it was time for the OP to take care of himself instead of taking care of the person who should have taken care of him when he was a minor.