Content Warning: Organ Donation, Organ Transplant, Abusive Childhood
When a person is asked to be an organ donor, our gut reaction in most cases would be to help in any way we can if it means that we can save a life.
But organ donation can be a lot more complicated than just worrying about if two people are a match for each other, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor StatementChoice9352 had been abused throughout his childhood by his father, and he did everything he could to separate himself from that household when he was old enough.
But when his siblings and mother told him that his father was dying, and they begged him to get tested to see if he'd be a match to donate to his father, the Original Poster (OP) could not imagine helping his abuser in that way.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH for refusing to consider being an organ donor for my abusive father, even after my siblings begged me to save him?"
The OP's father was abusive throughout his childhood.
"My father was abusive to me (20s Male), but he was never abusive to my siblings (all are eight or more years younger than me)."
"We're full siblings. He is my father as much as theirs. But he always treated me like sh*t, and our mother allowed it, so I don't have anything too nice to say about her, either."
"In her own way, she tried to be there for me, but she didn't save me from him, and she sure as hell didn't prioritize making my life better."
"The abuse my father inflicted on me was physical and emotional, and it lasted my entire childhood."
"I know he never did the same to my siblings. They told me (and I know not everyone can see it), but I have witnessed him with them, and the difference is night and day. I'd even say he was a good parent to them, and if I didn't exist, he could be called a good father overall."
"But I WAS there, and he did abuse and hate me. He didn't care what happened to me."
The OP felt apathetic when he found out that his father was terminally ill.
"I'm not going into specifics about which organ or what his condition is, but my father is now sick and needs a transplant. Think kidney or liver. I'll also say that this condition wasn't self-inflicted, because I know that gets asked when stuff like this comes up."
"My mother and siblings were all tested and didn't match, and my father's siblings and some of their kids were tested, and there wasn't a match. Some of his friends got tested, and they weren't a match."
"They have him on the transplant list, but he keeps getting sicker, and they don't know if a match will come forward in time."
The OP was not interested in enrolling on the organ donor list.
"My siblings reached out to me to ask me to get tested and donate if I'm a match. They told me it's looking really bad, and he could die."
"They said they can't lose him, and they know I hate him, they know he put me through hell and abused me, but they wanted me to do it for them instead of him. So they can have him for another however many years."
"They were pleading and frantic and even offered to make sure I got some money from our parents to make up for everything."
"I felt bad for them and how awful they felt, but I told them I couldn't put myself through something like that to save his life. I said even for them it was too big of an ask."
The OP said no when the family kept pressuring him to get tested.
"They brought up how serious this is again, and I told them I know, but it won't be from me if he gets what he needs. I told them I needed them to accept it and focus on being there with him."
"They said some stuff after. I won't go into it all, and I'm not even mad because they're still so young and their experience with the man is SO different than mine. None of them were ever abused."
"But I have grappled with whether or not I should have agreed for them. I wonder if I should at least get tested. Knowing if everyone else wasn't a match, the likelihood I would be was tiny anyway, and I could have spared them the upset."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he did not owe his abuser and enablers anything, especially an organ.
"I think I would feel disgusted knowing MY organ is what's keeping my abuser alive."
"I can't believe how selfish your siblings are being. How dare they... 'Do it for them,' they say? But what about you? You also deserved to have a good dad, someone who was supposed to protect you and help you grow."
"Yet you got the opposite because of this man's cruelty. Why should you sacrifice your life, health, and comfort for them to enjoy his presence longer?"
"Not that it changes much, but has he ever apologized? He didn't even have the decency to come beg himself and sent his other kids, the ones he treated well to convince you he wasn't total garbage, how nice..."
"I understand the comments telling you to consider lying that you're not a match even if you are, but you're right, it's a heavy secret to keep and would make things even worse if they find out later."
"Maybe you won't be a match and should do the test just to get this over with, while keeping your relationship with your siblings intact. But if you are a match and this information gets out, the pressure would be 10 times bigger. You need to think about your options and decide what's best for you." - Tasty-Answer-8183
"Not a match? None? Wow. Ok, so you don't owe an organ to anyone. It is a gift. Not a debt. Major surgery comes with exceptional risks."
"NTA. I would not do it for very good health reasons. That is to the side of the social ones. Just because we can do things, does not mean we should... Kidneys, livers, hearts, etc... Harvested or donated by the living, and yet they usually only net a fraction of the time a healthy person would have."
"Should you donate an organ, shorten your life, spend a lifetime on medicines to support your degraded body, to buy him a fraction? No. Is this selfish? I suppose it is. The doctors will charge you and the insurance companies a fortune, promise outcomes that won't materialize, and leave your family with two broken people."
"Or you have a man that will die at his appointed time, and you will live a whole life. Now, if an organ donor dies, and he can receive that organ and live... That is a better situation, and it should happen if possible. Again, NTA." - thequiethunter
"You're not the AH."
"I am a liver donor to a really good friend, so I'm speaking from experience. The medical team is working FOR you to ensure the well-being of the donor; they will prioritize the donor over the patient (as the patient is already sick anyway)."
"So if you tell them you're not comfortable donating, they will take you off the list and communicate that you're not a suitable donor to the rest of the family after their assessment, and your family can't refute that. End of story." - PlumNotion
"NTA. I wouldn't get tested, either. The transplant isn't for them; it's for him."
"They should come to peace with the fact that he may pass soon. The fact that they asked you tells they don't care about the abuse you suffered; they only care about themselves." - Creepy-Stable-6192
"NTA."
"But have you considered lying? Your father will be dead soon; your siblings may have been unaware of the abuse or too young to contemplate it. If there's even the remotest chance you want to continue a relationship with them now as adults (the only family you have left, I presume?), then cutting them off to get back at your father may not be the best choice."
"Obviously, you're not going to get tested and donate a kidney. But just tell them you got tested and you're not a match, then they'll stop asking you." - LowCalorieCheesecake
Others urged the OP to stay safe, since this might be hereditary.
"You may need that kidney later. Keep it. Besides, donated organs really don't last forever. And donated organs sometimes get rejected, and then all of this was for, what?" - Wingbow7
"NTA."
"And if it's not a lifestyle issue that's caused the problem, who knows, down the line, you or your potential child might develop the same condition, and the donation could put you at a disadvantage. Or not allow you to be a donor for your own children."
"And frankly, you don't even need a reason. He doesn't deserve it, and donating is far from risk-free for the donor, even a young healthy person. You might be prepared to accept the risk for a beloved family member but not for an abuser."
"And if the donation failed, what a waste that would be, for a person who does not deserve it." - Wonderful_Citron_518
"My mum is on dialysis. She won't let me or any of my siblings get tested. Two of us have kids, and she said it's in case either of her grandchildren needs it. I would do it, but then my mum isn't a raging a**hole." - mad2109
"Mom has possible kidney disease (still testing). Dad jokingly said that maybe I could donate a kidney. Mom went hell no! I feel that organs should be given to younger people, like top down, rather than the younger giving to the older. And I LOVE my mom." - Bright_Amphibian_755
"If his current illness was not self-inflicted, as you say, then it could possibly be genetic or hereditary."
"Which means you could have the same problem in the future."
"There's no sense in you sacrificing an organ now when you may need to survive later."
"So get tested to see if you may have the same condition, so you'll be prepared in the future."
"But tell the doctor about being pressured and offered money to cross you off the list."
"Besides, if they have tested all those family and friends already, I'm sure more than one of them told the doctor they didn't want to be a match, either, honestly."
"NTA." - Better-Turnover2783
While it can be an incredible gesture to donate an organ to help save someone's life, it can also be a life-altering act that could have horrible repercussions for the donor, especially if they develop the same or a similar condition in the future.
In the OP's situation, it's especially awful to think about with the patient being none other than the person who abused him throughout his childhood, and who did not even have the courtesy or bravery to ask for the donation himself.
It seemed clear to the subReddit that it was time for the OP to take care of himself instead of taking care of the person who should have taken care of him when he was a minor.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp