Content Warning: Organ Donation, Organ Transplant, Medical Coercion
As much as we might want to be there for our families, there are certain demands that will be too big for some people.
For some, that could be agreeing to an organ donation, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, and it wouldn't be right to medically coerce them into changing their minds.
Redditor Grand_Raccoon0923 had a traumatic childhood, between their father's alcoholism and later medical treatments and care from heart surgery, and they didn't have a great relationship with him because of it.
But when he was much older and needed a kidney transplant, the Original Poster (OP) found themselves being shamed and called selfish for not wanting to donate a kidney to him after all they had gone through together.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting to be tested as a possible kidney donor for my father?"
The OP didn't have the greatest relationship with their father growing up.
"My father (77) is one of the oldest living heart recipients. He had his first heart transplant in 1990. He had another one in 2014 because after 65, they won’t do it again."
"Because of this, he has been alive to see 10 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren. He has had a pretty good run despite the health issues."
"Prior to this, he was a horrible, abusive alcoholic. My mother was on the verge of leaving him. Obviously, this was a big eye-opener for him, and he had to quit drinking and smoking."
"It didn’t happen overnight, but he definitely became a better person. He’s well known in the local community and does a lot for the city and for other people. However, this pretty much made him unemployable."
The family struggled to make ends meet.
"My whole life since then, everything has been about him and what he needs. His appointments, his medications, everything was about him. My mother was always in the background, making everything work."
"My mother struggled to provide for a husband and three kids and keep a roof over our head. She often worked multiple jobs, and we were on welfare and food stamps for a while."
"We all got jobs to try to help keep everything afloat. In sixth grade, I got a paper route and have been continuously working ever since. I joined the army at 17 and spent an entire career building my own life, where I wasn’t a burden on anyone. I still sent money home every month until I got married."
Even later in life, the OP's father was still making big requests.
"But, the saga continues. He is now apparently in need of a kidney transplant or regular dialysis."
"My sister is doing a full social media blitz to bring attention to this and try to get everyone to be tested as a donor. There’s some kind of pool where you can volunteer to donate for somebody else, and that somehow increases his chances of getting an organ."
"I am extremely disinclined to participate in this. I think it’s selfish and unfair to ask anyone in this family who is younger than him (which is everyone aside from his older sister) to donate an organ to an almost 80-year-old that has been on borrowed time since 1990 anyway."
"I have been told that I’m being selfish and that we only need one kidney anyway. But what if I need that kidney as I get older? Where does it end? How much do we have to give to keep Frankenstein‘s monster alive?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned why a 77-year-old man was seeking an organ transplant.
"Look, as a parent, if I were 77, I would rather die than my own child getting cut for me. Even sooner. God, I couldn't do it." - Round-Ticket-39
"I would gladly donate any organ to my child to prolong their life and health, even if it would dramatically shorten my own. I wanted her to be in this world and went out of my way to include her in it, thus I want her around more than myself. I would never ask her for the same." - cmotdibblersdelights
"I did not know they perform kidney transplants on 77-year-olds! No one should be pressured to donate a kidney to anyone of that age. OP is NTA!" - SkyTrees5809
"Isn't there a greater chance that the father would reject a kidney at that age? Not all transplants are successful, even with all the rejection drugs today. Also, I know someone who got a very good match in his 40s. He went home and died in his sleep two weeks later." - Efficient-Reach-8550
"It’s odd that any transplant team would be considering him. His chances of surviving the surgery seem pretty low, and even if he made it through, he would need extensive medical support for the rest of his short time left."
"Is this just the sister doing some kind of performative best daughter routine?"
"My uncle has been on daily dialysis for the last few years and is relatively okay. That seems like a more sane route for OP's father." - FelinaKile
"My grandma just turned 80. She never took her insulin that she needed (she got genetic type-one later in life, like after 60). Her kidneys are barely working, and they won’t consider a transplant because of her age. I love my grandma, but honestly, I get it. I’d rather a 40-year-old father of children get priority over her. Even if the transplant works, she’s still only got so many years left."
"Anyway, weird that it’s even being considered in OP’s case." - dawscn1
"My alcoholic uncle told his two kids that if they tried to go in and ask to donate a liver to save him, he'd refuse the surgery because there was no possible way that he would take a liver from his children."
"One, fathers do not do this. Two, he was not going to stop drinking, and he'd die with a bottle, and he wasn't going to waste a donation."
"At least he was a self-aware person, and he loved us." - DefinitelyNotAliens
"At a certain age, those organs would be better off going into someone with a life ahead of them instead of someone who's been dying for decades." - LimoncelloFellow
"My dad was 86 when he was told he would need dialysis. He said no, knowing that he would die within a few weeks. He told everyone he had done everything he was going to do on earth, and it was his time. He died 5 days later after slipping into a coma."
"I'm 72 and hope that if the time comes, I'm able to make weekday I consider the right decision on a weekday and accept my end on earth just as gracefully."
"There comes a time for all of us, and this may be it for OP's father. Frankly, at his age, it seems wrong to give him a kidney that could potentially go to a younger person and for dad to keep using limited medical assets." - Glittering_Win_9677
"This is literally the most selfish thing a parent could possibly ask of their child, who still likely has 30 to 40 healthy years left, when they know they realistically have not a ton of time left. The average lifespan for men in the US is 76.5, so Dad, who has already gotten a heart transplant, has lived an AMAZING life, and has exceeded this, and is statistically unlikely to live decades longer, even with a donated kidney."
"I just can't imagine being selfish enough to ask my child to give up their kidney, knowing they might need it down the line, so I could get a few more years, when I was at that age." - dragonsandvamps
Others advised the OP to be honest with the medical team, who would help them.
"You're already not a match BECAUSE you don't consent to donating your vital organs." - Dramatic_Impact7266
"NTA. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Sure, you just need one kidney, but what if your other one gives out at some point? Also... recovery from the surgery is not something to ignore. All that for someone with a lengthy medical history that could die next month."
"But also, don't tell your family you don't want to. You'll just create unnecessary drama. Say you'll get tested, call the doctor's office to say you don't want to do it, but don't want the drama, they'll just say you aren't a match (Edit: or in this case, that you cannot donate for medical reasons). They do that all the time." - IrrelevantManatee
"OP, in case it helps to hear it again, not wanting to donate an organ is extremely normal. Transplant doctors get that all the time and will not make things weird at all if you say you don't want to do it, but don't want drama with your family. They'll just say you're not a match." - oceantrash11
"The transplant teams lie a lot in order to protect people from being coerced. And yes, it is a bare-faced lie. They tell the person who needs a kidney that their relative/friend/dog is not a suitable donor. It heavily implies that there is a medical reason why they can’t donate, not just that they won’t."
"I think you’re splitting hairs here. Source - I had three relatives who offered to donate to me, and they told me exactly what they were told." - jinglepupskye
"You don't want to participate, therefore you're not a match."
"And not just not a match for the grandfather, OP's medically ineligible to be a kidney donor in general, so even if there was a possible chain match out there, OP's ineligible."
"Of course, OP's medically ineligible because they don't want to do it, but the family doesn't need to know the medical/legal nuances about why they're disqualified." - mxzf
"If you aren't enthusiastic in your consent to donate, that's a medical reason (psychological, but it counts) for you to be excluded as a donor."
"Living transplant donors have to consent. If they aren't sure or are feeling pressured, all they have to do is say so, and they are immediately 'unsuitable.'" - Theron3206
"Have them say that after review, you are not eligible to be a donor. If you’re not a match for him, they will pressure you to donate to the pool in hopes of a swap, but if you’re not eligible, you can’t donate."
"If they ever ask why, tell them you didn’t really understand the reasoning, but you can’t argue with the doctor." - Classic_Cauliflower4
After receiving feedback, the OP felt relieved.
"After reading these responses, I realize that my thoughts are completely normal and legitimate."
"I’m not going to keep my refusal a secret, though. I want anyone else in the family who has the same doubts to know that they are not alone. If there is fallout, so be it."
The subReddit understood why the OP felt reluctant to donate to his father, who was likely nearing the end of his life anyway, and they offered advice for how to navigate the situation.
Though the OP seemed to take comfort in it, they seemed at peace with the potential conflict that would arise from telling the truth, but they were right to point out that being nervous to donate was not an uncommon feeling, and no one should feel ashamed for feeling that way, whether they're donating for a family member or a total stranger.
