Content Warning: Organ Donation, Organ Transplant, Medical Coercion
As much as we might want to be there for our families, there are certain demands that will be too big for some people.
For some, that could be agreeing to an organ donation, pointed out the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit, and it wouldn't be right to medically coerce them into changing their minds.
Redditor Grand_Raccoon0923 had a traumatic childhood, between their father's alcoholism and later medical treatments and care from heart surgery, and they didn't have a great relationship with him because of it.
But when he was much older and needed a kidney transplant, the Original Poster (OP) found themselves being shamed and called selfish for not wanting to donate a kidney to him after all they had gone through together.
They asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not wanting to be tested as a possible kidney donor for my father?"
The OP didn't have the greatest relationship with their father growing up.
"My father (77) is one of the oldest living heart recipients. He had his first heart transplant in 1990. He had another one in 2014 because after 65, they won’t do it again."
"Because of this, he has been alive to see 10 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren. He has had a pretty good run despite the health issues."
"Prior to this, he was a horrible, abusive alcoholic. My mother was on the verge of leaving him. Obviously, this was a big eye-opener for him, and he had to quit drinking and smoking."
"It didn’t happen overnight, but he definitely became a better person. He’s well known in the local community and does a lot for the city and for other people. However, this pretty much made him unemployable."
The family struggled to make ends meet.
"My whole life since then, everything has been about him and what he needs. His appointments, his medications, everything was about him. My mother was always in the background, making everything work."
"My mother struggled to provide for a husband and three kids and keep a roof over our head. She often worked multiple jobs, and we were on welfare and food stamps for a while."
"We all got jobs to try to help keep everything afloat. In sixth grade, I got a paper route and have been continuously working ever since. I joined the army at 17 and spent an entire career building my own life, where I wasn’t a burden on anyone. I still sent money home every month until I got married."
Even later in life, the OP's father was still making big requests.
"But, the saga continues. He is now apparently in need of a kidney transplant or regular dialysis."
"My sister is doing a full social media blitz to bring attention to this and try to get everyone to be tested as a donor. There’s some kind of pool where you can volunteer to donate for somebody else, and that somehow increases his chances of getting an organ."
"I am extremely disinclined to participate in this. I think it’s selfish and unfair to ask anyone in this family who is younger than him (which is everyone aside from his older sister) to donate an organ to an almost 80-year-old that has been on borrowed time since 1990 anyway."
"I have been told that I’m being selfish and that we only need one kidney anyway. But what if I need that kidney as I get older? Where does it end? How much do we have to give to keep Frankenstein‘s monster alive?"
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some questioned why a 77-year-old man was seeking an organ transplant.
"Look, as a parent, if I were 77, I would rather die than my own child getting cut for me. Even sooner. God, I couldn't do it." - Round-Ticket-39
"I would gladly donate any organ to my child to prolong their life and health, even if it would dramatically shorten my own. I wanted her to be in this world and went out of my way to include her in it, thus I want her around more than myself. I would never ask her for the same." - cmotdibblersdelights
"I did not know they perform kidney transplants on 77-year-olds! No one should be pressured to donate a kidney to anyone of that age. OP is NTA!" - SkyTrees5809
"Isn't there a greater chance that the father would reject a kidney at that age? Not all transplants are successful, even with all the rejection drugs today. Also, I know someone who got a very good match in his 40s. He went home and died in his sleep two weeks later." - Efficient-Reach-8550
"It’s odd that any transplant team would be considering him. His chances of surviving the surgery seem pretty low, and even if he made it through, he would need extensive medical support for the rest of his short time left."
"Is this just the sister doing some kind of performative best daughter routine?"
"My uncle has been on daily dialysis for the last few years and is relatively okay. That seems like a more sane route for OP's father." - FelinaKile
"My grandma just turned 80. She never took her insulin that she needed (she got genetic type-one later in life, like after 60). Her kidneys are barely working, and they won’t consider a transplant because of her age. I love my grandma, but honestly, I get it. I’d rather a 40-year-old father of children get priority over her. Even if the transplant works, she’s still only got so many years left."
"Anyway, weird that it’s even being considered in OP’s case." - dawscn1
"My alcoholic uncle told his two kids that if they tried to go in and ask to donate a liver to save him, he'd refuse the surgery because there was no possible way that he would take a liver from his children."
"One, fathers do not do this. Two, he was not going to stop drinking, and he'd die with a bottle, and he wasn't going to waste a donation."
"At least he was a self-aware person, and he loved us." - DefinitelyNotAliens
"At a certain age, those organs would be better off going into someone with a life ahead of them instead of someone who's been dying for decades." - LimoncelloFellow
"My dad was 86 when he was told he would need dialysis. He said no, knowing that he would die within a few weeks. He told everyone he had done everything he was going to do on earth, and it was his time. He died 5 days later after slipping into a coma."
"I'm 72 and hope that if the time comes, I'm able to make weekday I consider the right decision on a weekday and accept my end on earth just as gracefully."
"There comes a time for all of us, and this may be it for OP's father. Frankly, at his age, it seems wrong to give him a kidney that could potentially go to a younger person and for dad to keep using limited medical assets." - Glittering_Win_9677
"This is literally the most selfish thing a parent could possibly ask of their child, who still likely has 30 to 40 healthy years left, when they know they realistically have not a ton of time left. The average lifespan for men in the US is 76.5, so Dad, who has already gotten a heart transplant, has lived an AMAZING life, and has exceeded this, and is statistically unlikely to live decades longer, even with a donated kidney."
"I just can't imagine being selfish enough to ask my child to give up their kidney, knowing they might need it down the line, so I could get a few more years, when I was at that age." - dragonsandvamps
Others advised the OP to be honest with the medical team, who would help them.
"You're already not a match BECAUSE you don't consent to donating your vital organs." - Dramatic_Impact7266
"NTA. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Sure, you just need one kidney, but what if your other one gives out at some point? Also... recovery from the surgery is not something to ignore. All that for someone with a lengthy medical history that could die next month."
"But also, don't tell your family you don't want to. You'll just create unnecessary drama. Say you'll get tested, call the doctor's office to say you don't want to do it, but don't want the drama, they'll just say you aren't a match (Edit: or in this case, that you cannot donate for medical reasons). They do that all the time." - IrrelevantManatee
"OP, in case it helps to hear it again, not wanting to donate an organ is extremely normal. Transplant doctors get that all the time and will not make things weird at all if you say you don't want to do it, but don't want drama with your family. They'll just say you're not a match." - oceantrash11
"The transplant teams lie a lot in order to protect people from being coerced. And yes, it is a bare-faced lie. They tell the person who needs a kidney that their relative/friend/dog is not a suitable donor. It heavily implies that there is a medical reason why they can’t donate, not just that they won’t."
"I think you’re splitting hairs here. Source - I had three relatives who offered to donate to me, and they told me exactly what they were told." - jinglepupskye
"You don't want to participate, therefore you're not a match."
"And not just not a match for the grandfather, OP's medically ineligible to be a kidney donor in general, so even if there was a possible chain match out there, OP's ineligible."
"Of course, OP's medically ineligible because they don't want to do it, but the family doesn't need to know the medical/legal nuances about why they're disqualified." - mxzf
"If you aren't enthusiastic in your consent to donate, that's a medical reason (psychological, but it counts) for you to be excluded as a donor."
"Living transplant donors have to consent. If they aren't sure or are feeling pressured, all they have to do is say so, and they are immediately 'unsuitable.'" - Theron3206
"Have them say that after review, you are not eligible to be a donor. If you’re not a match for him, they will pressure you to donate to the pool in hopes of a swap, but if you’re not eligible, you can’t donate."
"If they ever ask why, tell them you didn’t really understand the reasoning, but you can’t argue with the doctor." - Classic_Cauliflower4
After receiving feedback, the OP felt relieved.
"After reading these responses, I realize that my thoughts are completely normal and legitimate."
"I’m not going to keep my refusal a secret, though. I want anyone else in the family who has the same doubts to know that they are not alone. If there is fallout, so be it."
The subReddit understood why the OP felt reluctant to donate to his father, who was likely nearing the end of his life anyway, and they offered advice for how to navigate the situation.
Though the OP seemed to take comfort in it, they seemed at peace with the potential conflict that would arise from telling the truth, but they were right to point out that being nervous to donate was not an uncommon feeling, and no one should feel ashamed for feeling that way, whether they're donating for a family member or a total stranger.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp