Trauma-dumping is the unsolicited, one-sided, and intense unloading of traumatic experiences onto others without warning or consent, often overwhelming the listener.
It differs from venting because it lacks boundaries and any mutual exchange.
Trauma-dumping includes telling a coworker in a professional setting explicit details about past abuse or traumatic events and dominating conversations with intense trauma stories, frequently repeating the same narratives over and over, while refusing to allow the listener to share anything.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on how to handle a coworker constantly trauma-dumping on her.
Rael1hp asked:
"WIBTA for telling a coworker to stop trauma-dumping on me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (32, female) have a new coworker of about three weeks. We'll call her Kate (~late 40s/early 50s, female). I just recently had an autism-tone-based miscommunication with another coworker, so I really want to know if I'll be out of line for this."
"I work the night shift at a hotel, working at the front desk. Kate was hired to work breakfast. The first day I met her, the usual breakfast person sent me a text ahead of time that she would be late, and if I could please show Kate around the kitchen while we wait."
"I'm cross-trained on breakfast for emergencies, so when Kate arrived, I introduced myself, told her the situation, and started showing her the equipment. I had spoken to this woman for maybe 2 minutes total, and then she just completely unprompted told me about the deaths of her husband and child."
"I was completely caught off guard, and had nothing really to say aside from, 'Oh my god, I'm so sorry. That's awful.' She then continued to tell me more details about her losses when the usual breakfast person arrived, and my autistic a** was able to escape."
"As breakfast overlaps with the last couple of hours of night shift, I've seen Kate many times since, and every time, she opens with telling me everything that's ever gone wrong in her life. First, recent grievances, then she'll get into deeper trauma if I let her continue talking. It's exhausting."
"There was one day when I was asked to help out with laundry, and I deliberately left it for late in my shift so I could essentially hide in the laundry room and make myself unavailable."
"Twice Kate tracked me down in there, first to complain that she had to make scrambled eggs instead of fried, and second to give me a play-by-play of how she was almost late because her alarm didn't go off, but thankfully her roommate has such a loud alarm (and it sounds like a fire alarm) that it woke her up anyway."
"Yesterday was particularly frustrating. I have a brand new tattoo, like still-healing new. It's brightly colored, large, and very visible on my arm."
"Kate noticed it right away and asked, 'Is that a new tattoo?' and I excitedly said, 'Yeah, it's for my D&D charac--' and she cut me off and was like, 'Well you don't need to guess the meaning of my tattoo.' and shows me a semicolon and proceeds to tell me about the deaths within her family for probably the 5th or 6th time."
"I was not able to escape quickly, and somehow we managed to also get on the recent expiration of some old felony misdemeanor charges she had, and how she can now apply to another job because of it."
"I have never heard Kate say one single word to me that was not a complaint or a trauma-dump. I'm so tired. Reminder, I don't know this woman."
"I want to tell her to stop, and phrase it like, 'Hey, Kate, I'm truly sorry that you've had so much tragedy in your life, but I do not have the tools to help you through it, and we do not have that kind of relationship. You should really talk to a therapist about it, not me'."
"WIBTA if I said that?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I worry that telling her to stop trauma-dumping on me will be too callous and cause workplace conflict."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (NTA/WNBTA)
"NTA. Phrasing it like that is actually wonderful, it's friendly and holds the boundary. You're not her therapist and sh*t like that is DRAINING." ~ TroublesomeFox
"It would also not be inappropriate for you to say (as firmly but kindly as possible) that these are not appropriate conversations for the workplace." ~ ChocolateCoveredGold
"This woman is Colin Robinsoning you. She feeds off your discomfort in her tales. You have established a lovely response."
"I would email your HR, because she may want to create drama, and you can head it off. You are WORKING. And your job is not providing her with a listening ear. She is impeding your productivity. NTA!" ~ BlackLakeBlueFish
"OP you should tell her this. But you should also be prepared that she will take it really badly, and possibly even be cold to you at work. That's not your fault—this woman clearly has issues she needs to work out - just saying this so that if she does react badly, it's not your fault." ~ yitzike
"I had a coworker like this. I just repeated 'that sounds like a great topic for therapy' every time they started. NTA." ~ mittenbby
"I think this is the best way to go about it. Making conversation so disengaged, yet neutral and polite, that Kate doesn't get anything out of it except getting annoyed."
"That she stops complaining to OP and finds someone else. Or complains to management, which outs herself and ends up with her being reprimanded."
"What OP wants to say to Kate, will probably not be well received and it could make working together more difficult. Or Kate will just ignore it and say that OP doesn't need to help her through it, and just listen. And then just keeps going as usual."
"Talking to management could work, but that depends on the workplace."
"They will probably ask if she has spoken to Kate about it and to do that first."
"Or that they do call in Kate, but that the reprimanding did not help (maybe just giving her another thing to complain about it). Or Kate figures out it is OP and starts to make things difficult."
"In these types of situations, you have to weigh the pros and cons, consider how an action could impact you, and how to protect yourself from any fallout." ~ weattt
"I used to feel like I must be a magnet to people like this. My most common phrases for this were: 'I am not qualified to help you' and 'leave the situation or shut up aboug it'. Your line used above is much nicer and I will definitely try that one 1st if needed again." ~ FaithlessnessExact17
"I had one of those people at my last work, although most of what she would complain about was due to decisions she had made."
"She would talk for 40 minutes straight, sparked by something small that happened in the last day or so, but then veer back into historic stuff we had all heard before. We had four main offices on one corridor for one team, so she would pop around to say hi to everyone and then end up regularly reciting her current complaints (and background) four separate times."
"Aside from her complete thoughlessness that many people were going through similar or worse issues relating to similar topics, it was a massive waste of everyone's time."
We got to a point where all we could do was say, 'sorry, I really don't have time to chat right now, there's something urgent I need to finish' and put our headphones back on and start typing frantically until she left the room and went to bore someone else."
"You really have to say something early on, like, 'I'm sorry that you've faced a lot of hardships in your life, but you don't really know me very well, and perhaps haven't considered that some of these topics are really hard for me to hear about, for reasons I don't feel comfortable sharing. I'd really prefer if we mainly only talk about work or fairly neutral topics when we're at work'."
"Do it in front of witnesses if you need to. If anyone seems to think similarly to you, perhaps if you see her coming, quietly ask one of these other people to hover nearby, so they can overhear and confirm that you didn't say anything inappropriate or unreasonable if she responds badly." ~ Pyjama365
"I worked with someone like this… we worked in the same department together (10 years ago) so if we had a shift together, it was on."
"She would also complain about ALL the 'other' coworkers, but never me? Right… anyways, I’ll go to that store even after I stopped working there and I’ve tried everything in me to avoid her or the departments she manages. I saw her the other day at a completely different store and walked the other way."
"It’s hard. Definitely set boundaries because if you pretend to care it will never end. Plus I can guarantee that she’ll probably love telling the story about how her coworker was mean to her." ~ xkatxellex
"I just ask people like this, 'Why are you telling me this?' the first time they overshare anything that's inappropriate at the workplace (or dven in social settings). There's no good explanation for their behavior, so it's pretty effective in shutting them up." ~ MohawMais
OP isn't being paid to bd her coworker's therapist.
She doesn't need to listen to their trauma every time they work together.
