Whether we knew it or not, we've all known someone in the LGBTQ+ community, and as allies, it's our job to advocate for their rights, health, and happiness.
The most vital rule of all, however, is respecting their decisions about sharing their own story and, of course, never, ever outing them, firmly stated the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Sad-Truck-2916 came out to their friends when they were a teenager because they felt more comfortable sharing the news with them than with their family.
When their sister saw some of the Original Poster's (OP) messages with their friends and drew the conclusion that they were gay, she took it upon herself to tell their family, and they never forgave her.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for not forgiving my sister for outing me 12 years ago?"
The OP came out to their friends but wanted to wait to come out to their family.
"When I (28 Nonbinary) was a teenager, I had come out to my friends before my family."
"At the time, I just saw myself as a Gay dude, and my friends would poke fun at it."
"I was more comfortable around them, since my family had always expected me to date girls, but I wanted to wait to come out to my family until I was in college."
When the OP's sister discovered their identity, she didn't respect their wish to keep it to herself.
"At this time, I was 18, and my sister was 23."
"I left my phone in another room without realizing it. My sister went through my phone, saw notifications, and came to me and asked if I was Gay."
"I told her yes. Her response was that she was going to tell my parents if I didn't."
"I sort of stumbled and panicked and ended up feeling forced to do so. It was awkward. They didn't really respond well."
"My parents, my brother, and her are very supportive now (even though I present very androgynously and have been on HRT for years), but I grew immense resentment for being essentially forced out."
"She never acknowledged this was wrong, apologized to me, or anything. She just gave me the impression I was just a bonus point because, 'I can tell people I have a Gay brother now!'"
"I did confront her just days after this happened. I told her it felt really wrong and made me incredibly uncomfortable."
"She got defensive but insisted I shouldn't have hidden it from her or the family, and she was proud of me for being honest."
"I didn't address it after that and felt like I couldn't trust her anymore."
The OP tried to confide in their parents, but it didn't help.
"I told my parents how it made me feel, like I was completely disrespected and my privacy meant nothing."
"They acknowledged it but felt I was overreacting and that she cares and wants to be protective."
"As the years go by, I feel like it's the opposite. A protective sister would have kept it secret and supported me."
"Now, 10 years later, my parents say I should reach out more and forgive her. But she's never ONCE admitted this was wrong. She has never brought it up."
"Driving with them last week, I told them, 'I don't like my sister; I only interact with her because I'm forced to,' and they gave me a huge lecture about how I was being callous, and that's not my nature."
"I have no interest in ever mending this relationship because of what happened."
Even though the OP's sister attempted to be kind in other ways, it didn't make a difference.
"My sister, she tries. She reaches out when I'm going through something rough. We have okay conversations, and I can tell she means well."
"At times she will undermine me, still, which is so strange at our age. But as each year goes by, I think more and more about how little I want to do with her."
"My family thinks I should drop it and move past it, because, 'she's your only sister!'"
"My friends tell me they would feel similar to me. I get more stubborn about this as each year goes by and she doesn't acknowledge it. Apparently she's apologized about it to MY PARENTS but still hasn't said anything to ME."
"Am I overreacting? Is this worth being so pent up about for a decade, and maybe forever?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some sympathized with the OP that their sister never apologized for what she did.
"Honestly, it’s hard to move past something when the person who hurt you never actually owns up to it, so yeah, you’re totally allowed to keep your distance. NOR." - CharmerGurl
"OH MY GOD, NOR. I can't stand it when people treat outing someone like it is just sharing gossip, while completely ignoring how dangerous or life-altering it can actually be."
"She doesn't deserve you; it's not an exaggeration that she put your life in danger if given the right audience." - peachivani
"NOR, and you don’t owe anyone forgiveness, especially if she doesn’t even acknowledge that what she did was horrible."
"Regardless of her reasoning, she forced you to come out before you were ready. I’m glad that your family ended up being supportive, but it wasn’t her place." - brmstrick
"So they admit that it’s against your nature. When push comes to shove, even your natural personality can be pushed aside and go against its natural self."
"That’s how much she pushed you into disliking her. Why can’t they see how wrong that is in itself?"
"Also, she may feel proud to have a Gay brother, but maybe it’s time to tell her that she didn’t make him feel proud; she made you feel like you were backed into a corner where naughty boys go, and that you are, in fact, not proud of her because of what she did." - Alicam123
"Nope! You're NOR. People deserve autonomy and the right to choose whenever they want to make a huge announcement like that."
"Her forcing you out is a huge disrespect of that, and is not what a good sibling who actually cares would do. Until she genuinely apologizes and understands what she did to you or makes changes that satisfy you, you have the right to declare y'all's relationship as however you want it to be."
"She should have thought about your situation and how it felt to be in your shoes whenever all of this happened, because this is YOUR journey that YOU are walking, not her."
"I'm sorry you have gone through this OP, and I hope you're doing well. Family sucks sometimes, if not a lot of the time. Especially if you're dealing with unaccepting, judgy people." - TheSarcasticEggplant
Others agreed and reassured the OP that they didn't have to forgive something that may never get better.
"NOR. You have no duty or obligation to forgive her, especially since she’s never acknowledged the wrong she committed against you, and has never apologized." - Anonymoosehead123
"Forgiveness isn’t something you owe someone, especially when they’ve never even acknowledged what they did or apologized to you." - NessaDazzle
"This is a heavy one. An apology has to actually reach the person it's owed to, not just get handed to your parents as a consolation prize. Forgiveness isn't a default setting you owe someone just because time passed, especially without any real accountability." - Kooky-Agency3494
"I wasn't ready to tell my parents (dad and step-mum) that I was a Lesbian, so I didn't. However, I told someone in confidence and was given the impression that it was safe to do so..."
"Days later, my parents cornered me at the dinner table and lashed out at me about it, which was why I didn't wanna tell them yet, because I knew they would react really badly and take FOREVER to accept and get over it."
"It even took them YEARS to accept my now partner of over a decade."
"I was forced out before I was ready, and my life was NOT easy to deal with then. Your sister took a very vulnerable moment away from you (not to mention invading your privacy by spying on your phone?!), and forced you out, which could have really ended badly."
"She doesn't and didn't have to go through anything like it, so clearly won't and doesn't understand. And she still has not apologised after all these years? Yeah, you are NOR about this."
"Just because they are related by blood doesn't mean you have to get along or forgive family members for things they did wrong." - Sparkleunidog
"NOR. My oldest came out when he was a teen. Over the years, we had a few of his friends stay with us because they were made homeless by their family after being outed."
"That could have destroyed your life. She isn’t a good person." - pookapotomus2
After receiving feedback, the OP shared an update.
"Thanks for the comments, all. I got much more feedback than I expected."
"Thanks for the perspectives. I liked the comments that affirmed me, and even more the ones that told me to just tell her now (since we all change a lot over a decade) how this resentment sort of prevents me from having any desire to get closer with her."
"I think what kills me the most is that my parents have brought up to her how wrong it was, and she still just never acknowledged it."
"If the opportunity comes, I'll give it a shot. I figure, if it goes well, it could be a good decision. If not, then I'm fine being low contact forever."
"I really appreciate all the feedback, and it makes me realize how good my friends are to have my back on this the entire time."
Even if the OP's sister thought they should be out and accepted by everyone, and wanted to show her support by honoring who they are, coming out wasn't her choice to make.
If she ever wanted to have a meaningful and trusting relationship with the OP again, she'd have to apologize to them directly, not their parents, and then prove time and time again that the OP could share information with her and trust that it would stay with her rather than being passed along to others.
