Sibling rivalry is often seen as a phase children outgrow by adulthood.
While this is often true, some unfortunate cases involve siblings who constantly feel as if they are competing with one another.
Sometimes to win their parents' attention, other times just to seem superior to their sibling.
Most of the time, siblings can let it go or shake it off, but in other cases the word "rivalry" might be an understatement.
The sibling of Redditor grandma_ave recently made some significant changes in their life.
Including changing their name.
When the original poster (OP) learned the name her sibling now wanted to go by, she was anything but happy, even feeling the urge to demand they choose a different name.
Wondering if this would be out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Would I Be The A**Hole" (WIBTA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"WIBTA for asking if my nonbinary sibling would pick a different name?"
The OP explained why she wanted to ask her sibling to change their new name:
"My (26 F[emale]) sibling (22 N[on]B[inary]) recently changed all of their pronouns on social media to they/he and is going by the name 'Finch' (not the real name, but similar)."
"They have not directly told me to use 'he' pronouns for them - I’ve been using 'they' after they came out to me."
"They have also not told me they changed their name, but I had some packages delivered to my place and the name was changed to Finch there as well."
"I have absolutely no issues with their gender identity - I love that they’re embracing it."
"What is giving me pause is their new name, because it used to be my childhood nickname and what I called myself on like, all social media platforms until I was a later teen/young adult."
"I had an old YouTube channel that used this name, and my sibling was part of some of these videos and adjusted to calling me that name on camera."
"Side note: kids should not be making YouTube videos, but this was the early 2010s and I didn’t know better."
"My sibling is aware of the fact that this is a name that holds meaning for me."
"My mom almost named me Finch because it was a character in a book she loved while pregnant with me."
"I was an insecure kid and a tomboy, so I felt like I worked through some of my own early gender identity issues through being called Finch at camp, school, and online away from my parents."
"I struggle with the idea that my sibling would be called this name, just because I associate so much of my younger identity with that name."
"More context with my sibling relationship: they are autistic and Bipolar (1) and have been in and out of crisis for the better part of this year."
"Normally, I am their point of contact and safe person for help with this, but I’ve been navigating my husband’s cancer (and recent remission!), and haven’t been able to be as present in their mental health journey as I previously have."
"They felt earlier this year like I did not understand that they were in crisis, and have been distancing themselves from me because I told them I am unable to be the person to help navigate them out of psychosis."
"I emphasized that I will help them find a mental health professional to help with this and take them to any appointments, but their paranoia made them consider this a betrayal."
"I feel like I have borne the worst of their behavior as they’ve spiraled."
"They have been outright cruel to me over the last year, so I’m also trying to not let that color my view on this situation."
"But right now, it feels like they’re taking something away from my identity."
"They have never accepted that I’m bisexual, and frequently make me feel belittled for trying to participate in queer spaces."
"I also learned that I’m considered intersex this year, and that has added to my own gender identity journey and makes a lot of my early identity issues make sense."
"But I’m afraid to reveal this part of my identity to them because I know they would immediately invalidate it."
"Lots of complex personal feelings, WIBTA for asking them to consider a different name?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP would not be the a**Hole if she asked their sibling to choose a different name.
Everyone agreed that the OP's sibling clearly chose the name "finch" to deliberately affect the OP's feelings, though just about everyone also acknowledged that the OP's sibling was also in need of help.
"NTA, that’s kinda weird that they chose that name and it sounds like they intentionally did it to piss you off."- Due-Interaction-5758
"'How sweet of you to want to name yourself after me. I'm honored and flattered'."
"They'll change the name."
"NTA."- Right-Opportunity371
"NTA."
"Please do not engage with your sibling especially given their continued cruelty toward you; they will likely attack you and be cruel to you."
"Please give yourself the respect and care you deserve especially given all you’re already navigating without their added stress."
"Their mental health issues do not give them the right to abuse you."
"They do not get to define anything about your identity and it sounds like them being in your life is a detriment to your well being currently."- hellogoodbye543217
"NTA."
"Time to significantly reduce or full stop your contact with this selfish person, they clearly have no respect for you / don’t view you as a human with feelings so don’t waste any more time on them and focus on your own life. stealing your name is just one more way to show you that they don’t care about you at all."- jazzhandsfan1665
"Was the name Scout, by any chance?"
'If so, my mom almost named me that too."
"NTA."
"I agree with what a lot of people here said."
"There’s every chance your sibling picked the name just to bother you, out of a kind of petty revenge."
"You can’t be everything for your sibling; you can’t be their sole source of truth for reality."
"I don’t really have much in the way of advice, I’m afraid."
"I had an older brother with Bipolar 1 who had a lot of severe episode of mania and psychosis."
"It’s not easy, especially if their illness makes them refuse to believe they’re ill at all."
"Just know you have all my empathy, both you and your sibling."
"It’s a sh*tty hand to be dealt."
"I hope you don’t need to hear this, but in case you do, your bisexuality is real, valid, and really validly queer."
"Even if you’ve married a man, you’re still queer."
"That’s still part of your experience and who you are."
"And obviously your being intersex and all the gender weirdness that may have come from that is real and valid too."
"I hope you have people in your life that reassure you about all this, but I wanted to make sure I said it, just in case."- Fawkes-y
"NTA."
"This name previously had significant meaning for you, so it is a weird choice."
"They can also choose to keep using it."
"It is a lot to take on your sibling's mental health."
"As hard as it is, you may need to give yourself some space."
"It sounds like your sibling has a lot they are working through, but that does not give the a license to be cruel."
"If they are invalidating your own identity while also trying to make you respect yours, that is also not okay."
"I would not use different pronouns or deadname them, but pulling away and saying that as long as they are not giving you the same courtesy or are treating you poorly you need some space may do a lot to help with your own stress."
"And if you aren't seeing a therapist, might be good to do so given all the stressors."
"If your employer has an Employee Assistance Program, look to see if they offer free therapy."
"Ours gives us a certain number of sessions per issue (so your sibling's taking your name could be an issue, your own gender identity a separate issue, etc."- BagpiperAnonymous
This would be an entirely different story if the OP's sibling told her that they chose the name as a way of honoring her.
As much as one wants to give people the benefit of the doubt, the complete lack of reasons from the OP's sibling regarding this choice does suggest that their intentions were anything but honorable.
They should probably discuss this with a professional when they have the chance.
