Wedding guests are always a handful.
No matter how simple the initial invite, their is always drama.
What to wear and why?
A neverending debate.
Case in point…
Redditor Master_Peak_572 to discuss her story for some feedback. So naturally she came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
“AITA for not letting my non-binary friend be a bridesmaid?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (22 F[emale]) am getting married soon and want a traditional style wedding with all bridesmaids and all groomsmen being uniform in their clothes.”
“Originally I had 4 bridesmaids, all women apart from Ellie (24 N[on-] B[inary]).
“Ellie occasionally wears dresses and dresses femme so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem to have her as one of my bridesmaids.”
“They were happy to be asked and accepted, knowing they would have to wear a dress and makeup.”
“They were kind of uncomfortable with the dress being pink but that wasn’t something I was going to change since me and my fiancé decided on our wedding colors being pink/navy months before.”
“We decided on a long, simple A-line dress for all the bridesmaids with approval from everyone.”
“About a month before the wedding, Ellie texted me and told me they’d no longer be wearing a dress and makeup.”
“They had short hair at the time of me asking them but it had since grown out. They told me the combination of the dress, makeup and long hair would make them feel uncomfortably feminine.”
“I told them that they either have to wear the dress or they can’t be a bridesmaid since I didn’t want her being the odd one out.”
“I’m being told by them and another bridesmaid that I’m being petty and an a**hole and Ellie is even threatening to not come to the wedding at all.”
“I thought it was a fair request at the start since they originally agreed to it.”
“But not I’m starting to wonder if I am the a**hole.”
“Ellie’s pronouns are they/she.”
“AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared our OP was NOT the A**hole.
It’s a tricky situation.
Let’s hear some thoughts…
“NTA. Had Ellie said something in the beginning it would be different.”
“But knowing the expectation and agreeing to it only to later change their mind later makes it a challenge.”
“NB or not, if one of the female bridesmaids suddenly disagreed and wanted to change after the fact this wouldn’t be an issue.”
“As they couldn’t expect to still be a bridesmaid and not match the others.” ~ I-am-here-what-next
“I do absolutely hate it when someone makes a commitment to you and you now invest in that commitment only for them to feel like they can make alterations at the last second for see you in a corner.”
“If it wasn’t important enough to mention before why would they want to do it now that the second just seems a bit suspicious. NTA.” ~ SnooSuggestions2288
“Yeah seriously. I’m nonbinary, and if someone had asked me to attend a party in a pink dress, I would have said no.”
“But, if it was someone I cared about and they wanted me in the wedding, I would’ve tried to find a compromise.”
“On the one hand, I feel like I could wear a dress for a few hours for a good friend.”
“But thinking about having a thousand pictures taken of me wearing a pink dress makes me feel really ill.”
“If the dress wasn’t open to compromise, I would’ve probably ended up saying no.”
“But if I said yes knowing about the dress, I would suck it up.”
“You don’t back out last minute.”
“I do wonder how much pressure OP put on Elle though.”
“Because I can see it being a slow escalation thing of yes I’ll be a bridesmaid, I can wear a dress for a day.”
“Then suddenly it’s a pink dress, and then when they see the actual dress/try it on.”
“They realize they feel awful about themselves in it.”
“It sucks for Elle, but if it’s just for a few hours.”
“I’d just think about it as a costume and then change once the photos are taken. Like immediately.” ~ KitLlwynog
“This is kind of ridiculous. The wedding isn’t about Elle.”
“Yes or no, take it or leave it.”
“If they don’t want to come fine, but I’d ditch anyone that is this much damn trouble to be friends with.”
“Pro tip: life’s too short for high-maintenance friends.”
“Especially ones like this, where it’s a narcissist needing control. NTA.” ~ Snuffleupagus27
“Can we talk about the hair though?”
“OP never said there was a set hairstyle and Ellie didn’t oppose wearing the dress until they grew out their hair and then the hair was apart of the problem somehow.”
“If this wedding has been planned for awhile and dresses have been chosen/ paid for and make up artist booked, I feel like there isn’t much compromise for the Bride.”
“Besides what you offered with the wedding photos and softer makeup.”
“It is a bit more on Ellie.”
“In my opinion, to cut their hair if that was the last straw (I know it seems like a stretch but I think it should at least be considered).”
“And either way, as you said they can opt out gracefully but that should mean opt out of being a bridesmaid, not out of the bridesmaid requirement previously accepted.”
“Ellie wasn’t uninvited and honestly I don’t see how they wouldn’t be able to just be a guest.”
“I don’t always agree with brides on AITA but I would say that the real a**hole nature is saying yes to the arrangement.”
“Then choosing to completely alter the arrangement instead of backing out of it peacefully.”
“Gender expression is something important.”
“But this isn’t their wedding to control the aspects of.”
“You have the responsibility of choosing to be in an active or inactive role if it might cost you your expression.” ~ Environmental_Belt22
“I’ve literally never been comfortable or felt like I ‘looked good’ in a bridesmaid dress.”
“Because most of them are ugly as hell.”
“And I’m pretty androgynous myself so stuff that femme makes me uncomfortable in general.”
“That being said, for a special event you can suck it up and wear an uncomfortable outfit for three hours, it’s not that big of a deal and making it a big deal is childish and selfish.”
“It’s a pretty silly hill to die on in the grand scheme of things.”
“It’s not like Ellie is trans and OP is asking to be allowed to deadname them the entire wedding or something.”
“OP just wants them to not be the special snowflake for ONE DAY because the bride is supposed to be the special one for that one day.”
“It’s not a huge ask.”
“I mean I don’t like pink either, but if someone I actually cared about asked me to wear it as part of a costume for a once-in-a-lifetime event I would do it without bitching.” ~ danceswithronin
“How gender dysphoria is experienced and what triggers it will differ between people.”
“Ellie may have been fine with all the various things (dress, colour, hair, makeup etc) individually, but only when they were all combined found that it was just too triggering.”
“Or the bridesmaids outfit etc may have been okay in a general sense (i.e., able to cope with it for the day), but something else has triggered them and now it’s just too much.”
“We really can’t speculate on why they changed their mind or the timing.”
“That said, it really seems that the issue isn’t so much that they changed their mind (although doing so a month out is frustrating).”
“But rather that when they were told that a change at this point is not impossible.’
“And they either fitted in or couldn’t be a bridesmaid, they then called OP petty and an AH and are threatening not to go at all in an attempt to manipulate the situation.” ~ KahurangiNZ
“There are simple guidelines for all the bridesmaids.”
“Ellie can either agree to follow them and wear the dress, or bow out from being the bridesmaid.”
“That said, if the OP really wants Ellie in her wedding, there is room for compromise here, Ellie could wear a matching pink suit.”
“NTA (Either way).”
“At least Ellie doesn’t want to wear a rainbow dress like the guy from the earlier post.” ~ Dennis_Ogre
“NTA. Any chance Ellie would be more comfortable in the groomsman attire?”
“It seems strange they don’t want the dress or makeup.”
“But isn’t really clarifying on what would make them comfortable and then still wanting to be a bridesmaid to the point of not attending.”
“At the end of the day it’s your wedding and they are there to support you.”
“You’ve addressed the rules and traditional weddings are where gender roles are really at their performative peak so this late in the stage there is only so much you can do.” ~ kimrockr
Well OP, sounds like Reddit understands your concern.
And while everyone wants to be understanding to Ellie, they see how this situation got out of hand.
Hopefully friendships can be salvaged and the wedding is beautiful.