We've all had our frustrations with our family members.
Sometimes that leads to uncomfortable situations where we might need to express frustrations or concerns they likely don't want to hear.
In some extreme cases, however, things can't be solved by a conversation.
Sometimes leading to cutting ties with them.
Redditor virgilreality had become somewhat suspicious of their sister-in-law (SIL).
Unfortunately, their worst fears proved to be well-founded.
Leading the OP to make a rather extreme decision regarding the relationship he and his wife would maintain with her.
Seeing the effect this decision was having on his wife, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for continuing to ban my sister-in-law (and family) from our house?"
The OP explained why his sister-in-law was no longer welcome in his home:
"According to my wife, her sister has been grifting off someone all her life."
"My wife has given me examples, and based on that, I agreed with her opinion."
"As time went on, various actions made it clear to me that this was her normal operating mode and mindset."
"It was never going to change, and her family was never going to call her on the carpet for it (she has a temper and a sharp tongue)."
"When their mom went into assisted living a few years ago, the sister was given power of attorney (POA) over their mother's affairs, including her checking account."
"After the mom passed away, it came to light (verifiably) that the sister had been raiding the account for personal use to the tune of several thousand dollars."
"It wasn't even for critical things like the power bill, fixing the roof, or gas. It was pretty much for a mass of trivial things, like trips to the donut shop."
"The closest thing to a critical need was using it to buy books for their daughter in college."
"We're talking blatant, utterly self-serving misuse of her mother's funds."
"And with the POA, it was all perfectly legal."
"I consider myself (perhaps unjustifiably) to be a stand-up guy."
"When I learned about this looting, I went from disdain to outright anger."
"I urged my sister and her brother to press charges, but the POA negated that option."
"It was clear that I wasn't going to see her receive any punishment or condemnation for her actions from her family, which is clearly their prerogative."
"I decided that the whole don't-call-her-out scheme had gone on too long, and that I was not going to participate in it anymore."
"The 'act like nothing happened' communal amnesia and tacit complicity had to stop, and the only place I could stop it was at my door."
"I can't control things out there, but I can damned sure control them in here."
"I can't change someone else's behavior, but I can change mine."
"I decided that I was no longer willing to be directly associated with someone of such a subterranean moral caliber, even for the sake of family."
"I told my wife that her sister was no longer welcome at our house...period."
"I typed up a brief letter to the sister (as requested by my wife) telling her that she was permanently banned from our house, explaining in detail why I made this decision, and that it was my decision alone."
"I owned it, I made it clear, and I made it clear why."
"It's been some years since then."
"My wife has broken my rule once or twice, causing a lot of strain in our relationship, at least on my end."
"I've explained that this is not an 'I don't like her' instance. It's based on ethical and moral standards."
"My wife is now lamenting that holidays (etc.) just aren't the same without her family."
"I've made it clear that I do not want to control access to her family, and she can go to her house about a mile away any time she wants to."
"As a side note...she doesn't want to go over there due to exceedingly poor conditions, mostly brought about by their multiple, under-cared-for dogs."
"I share that sentiment and will never set foot in their house again."
"They still do things together outside of our house and talk on the phone pretty much every day, so my wife's contact with her is not limited in any way."
"My wife has asked me to lift the ban for holidays only."
"I don't view my integrity as flexible (except in extreme cases), so I said no."
"Her sister's actions have caused this as a consequence, and now it's affecting my wife."
"Yes, it's unfortunate, inconvenient, and uncomfortable."
"AITAH for not lifting the ban temporarily?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP did the right thing by sticking to his guns.
Everyone agreed that the OP's SIL couldn't be trusted and was beyond help, and the best thing he could do for himself and his family was to keep his distance from her, with some urging the OP to get a second opinion regarding the POA:
"'When their mom went into assisted living a few years ago, the sister was given power of attorney (POA) over their mother's affairs, including her checking account'."
"I stopped reading after this."
"Why would anyone have done this in real life?"- ynotfoster
"I won't say Yes or No but I will say once you allow her back it won't be only for the holidays."
"I have a family member like this."- vulnerable_turtle
"NTA, but my god, your SIL is scum. I wouldn't allow her on my property, let alone in it."
"You can't be any fairer, so keep it up, man."
'Don't let scumbags bend your moral compass."
"Even for family, my girl's mum isn't allowed in my house, and I'll stand by that until the day she dies."
"For reasons I'm not willing to put on the internet."- wolf115101
"'With the POA, it was all perfectly legal'"
"A POA creates a fiduciary duty, and a breach of the duty is actionable as a civil court proceeding, and all states have criminal statutes against embezzlement by fiduciaries."
"Either you got incorrect information or the evidence didn't support such actions being successful."- Scenarioing
"NTA."
"I have been in this situation with one of my siblings."
"I do not understand why your wife is not angry too."
"My sibling stole form our parents; there is no way I will let her set foot in my house."- Altruistic-Bunny
"Don't do it."
"SIL's house is a mess."
"What will happen is that the whole bunch will show up for every holiday for you and your wife to wear yourselves out entertaining them."- briomio
"So the only actual issue that wasn’t just vaguely alluded to is a few thousand dollars."
"I mean it’s sh*tty but also my mother spends that kind of money on her two adult children despite neither of us needing it."
"It’s not good by any means the SIL does sound like a real piece of work but it is also hardly massive deal either, and writing a letter banning her from the house seems pretty over the top to me."- Egoy
"NTA."
"If your wife wants to spend the holidays with her sister, then she can go to her sister's house."
"If your wife said that her sister/your sister-in-law 'has been grifting off someone all her life', then I wonder why she wants to spend time with her sister in the first place?"- mpurdey12
"Rather than simply banning her, report her for elder abuse."
"It would make a much more effective consequence for her."
"Your wife needs to get therapy."
"She grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family, and while mourning what was lost is normal, mourning the imaginary loving family you never had is something different, entirely."- McDuchess
"Nope."
"And this isn’t a sister-in-law problem anymore; it’s a marital problem. If my spouse wanted to rugsweep, it would negative affect my impression of them."
"Frankly, I probably would have excluded the entire family, not just SIL in the first place."
"Everyone, including your wife is problematic."
"Also, your conclusion on the POA was incorrect."
"She did not have freedom to use the $ for her own purposes, and it would be perfectly legal."
"POA allowed her to transact for her mom’s benefit."
"The family chose to ignore her acts of self-dealing."- Emotional-Ocelot-420
No one ever wants it to come to a point where they need to cut ties with a family member.
Should that time ever arise, however, it is always clear that it is the only solution.
The OP's wife may sadly learn as she continues to spend time with her sister and sees that she hasn't truly changed at all.
