Losing a parent can be a gut-wrenching experience.
Some children never fully recover from the grief.
And leftover anger can be misdirected at the surviving parent.
When the surviving parent moves on, it can feel like a betrayal.
This can lead to many impossible situations.
Redditor Issuefamily-Yak-9767 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for telling my kids that my wife isn’t going anywhere and if she isn’t welcome I am not coming?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My ex-wife and I got divorced when all the of the kids were adults."
"The marriage wasn’t a good one, and I stayed for the kids basically, which I regret."
"I will call her Pearl for this to make it clearer."
"We both worked, but she found no joy in her job."
"It was constant arguing, and she was extremely unpleasant towards me after a bad day."
"She also had habits of addictive behavior."
"She would become obsessed with something and do it 24/7."
"She lost multiple jobs this way."
"When I divorced her, she went off the deep end."
"She fell heavily into alcohol and passed away after she got in a car accident."
"(She was drunk."
"The kid was already taking the divorce badly, and her death afterward was really bad."
"I offered to pay for counseling, but they refused."
"They blame me for their mom's passing."
"Dating made it worse."
"They believe I am replacing their mom, and when I married, they became nasty about it."
"My wife has done nothing to them, and they are di*ks to her."
"I have spoken to them multiple times, and they are now civil to her face."
"The issue, my daughter is having her engagement dinner, and I am the only one who was invited."
"When I asked, she told me that it was only for family, and my wife isn’t family."
"I told her my wife isn’t going anywhere, and if she is not invited, I am not going."
"This started an argument, and she is pissed. "
"My other kids are telling me that they feel the same, and she ain’t family."
"I brought up if they can not invite their S[ignifiact] O[thers] to things because apparently marriage doesn’t make them family, and they told me that was different."
"I am holding strong on this, but they all think I am a di*k."
"Timeline form comment ( I can’t keep up with questions, look at my comments)."
"The divorce took about 1.5 years to be finalized, then Pearl passed about 1.5 years after."
"3 years after I brought up divorce, I was dating my now wife when Pearl passed."
"I married her around 2.5 years after my wife’s passing, and my daughter got engaged about 1.5 years after we had been married."
"So, 7 years after the divorce, I moved out."
"4 years since Pearl's death."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"NTA, however, is this a hill you want to die on?"
"You can't replace your relationship with your children."
"Edit: Doing some digging, it appears OP isn't being honest with the details."
"Check out this user's comment on the other post and the attached article...
"(https://www.reddit.com/r/AITA_Relationships/s/VjMtDuWqGN)" ~ narfinator96
"His kids need to stop redirecting their grief onto him and his wife and get counseling."
"They are adults and should act like it."
"While he can't replace a relationship with his kids, should he allow him and his wife to be a punching bag over his ex-wife's passing away from her own bad decisions?" ~ octillery
"Agreed. The wife is innocent in all of this, and yet they're deliberately very nasty to her just because she married their dad."
"OP is right to stand by her."
"Their bad behavior has to stop."
"While they don't have to like her, they have to treat her with basic respect and be civil at least." ~ IceSeeker
"One cannot dictate another person's behavior."
"One can set a boundary."
"OP set the boundary that his wife be included in family events."
"The daughter said no."
"So OP can control his behavior (as he suggested) and not attend."
"That is the only appropriate action."
"If his daughter wants her dad there more than she wants to ostracize his wife, she may decide to change her mind."
"That said, that’s up to her. OP, enforce your boundaries and do as you stated, or not, and have your children walk over your boundaries whenever they want." ~ Effective_Pie1312
"Exactly this."
"My ex-husband went through something similar."
"His family didn't like that he was gay and would only give him single invitations to family events, even once he and I had become serious."
"He put his foot down and said, "This is my partner, going forward, either he is invited like everyone else's partners, or I am not attending.'"
"He didn't attend a wedding that did not include a plus one, and a family gathering that didn't explicitly include me in the invite, and apparently, the family learned their mistake because after that, going forward, he suddenly got an invite for all future family events for him and a plus one."
"Hold your boundaries, OP."
"They need to stop using your wife as a scapegoat for the grief they are refusing to let go of."
"Denying your wife will not bring their mom back." ~ Few-Adeptness8046
"Totally agree."
"At the same time, the kids are adults."
"Does she even want to be in the OP's kids' lives?"
"Like, does she even want to go to the engagement party?"
"If I were her, I wouldn’t."
"I would have accepted I wasn’t going to fulfill the step-parent role and would just expect my husband to have a separate relationship with his kids."
"The only sticking point would be holidays."
"I would expect my husband to celebrate holidays with me, and if he wanted to celebrate with his kids, it would be fine as long as I still had time with him." ~ sraydenk
"Honestly, as both a daughter of divorced parents and a divorced mom, I respect that."
"Your peace should come first, and to be honest, it sounds like your kids are being immature a**holes about it."
"I swear more people need to realize that it 'takes two to tango,' so to speak."
"Divorce rarely happens because of one person."
"Yes, it's tragic that she died, but in my opinion, she did it to herself."
"That was so selfish of her and sounds like her final '**k you.'"
"Sorry if I'm not being sensitive enough."
"My mom was a toxic narcissist who tried for most of my childhood to ruin my relationship with my dad. I'm just so tired of the lack of accountability people have these days." ~ HarleighQwin
"You also say they blame you, which I think is the main focus."
"I understand protecting your wife, but since they blame you (and your wife by extension), it's okay to put some boundaries in place."
"Kids, I love you, and I understand you are grieving."
"But taking your grief out on me or others won't lessen your own pain."
"I'm here for you if you need me and am still willing to offer counseling, but I will not be someone you can abuse nor someone you can blame for your mother's passing. - or something along those lines." ~ Desperate_Net3878
"These situations are never easy to give a clear answer to."
"There's always a lot bubbling below the surface, and we can't know what that is for you or your daughter."
"My question to you would be, do you want to be a part of your daughter's life or not?"
"If the answer is yes, then the question would be, 'How important is it to me?"'
"If the answer is that while it's important, my relationship with my wife is equally or more important, and if I have to choose, I will pick my wife."
"You are not the AH to pick your wife (your child is an adult)."
"If you want to eventually have a harmonious relationship with your daughter that includes your wife, then you need to find a way to keep the doors of communication open, and making it an ultimatum will close the door." ~ Fondacey
"I went NC with my dad for a while, so definitely not judging that portion of it, but I’m confused on your warning in this specific context?"
"OP’s children are willfully treating his wife poorly when they wouldn’t tolerate that treatment (or even this exact scenario) from their dad towards their own partners."
"I understand they’re grieving their mother, but that’s not a license to misplace their hurt and treat their dad or his wife poorly."
"Sure, his daughter is entitled to have who she wants at her engagement dinner, but his reaction to this is due to compounding exclusionary treatment, and he’s not wrong to be hurt by it." ~ Tangled_Up_In_Dreams
"NTA. You can't control your kids' behavior and attitude; you can only control your reaction to them."
"Stay calm as you explain that this is your hill to die on."
"They don't have to call her their step-mother or anything else; they just need to be civil."
"If they won't do that, you're right to skip the festivities." ~ Itchy_Juice_2528
"NTA. Divorce happens, and it was between you and your wife."
"Your kids are adults, and it's sad that they don't understand this." ~ caryn1477
Reddit is with you, OP.
This is a sad and difficult situation for everybody.
Your kids are still clearly in deep stages of grief.
They're entitled to their feelings.
And you are entitled to live your life freely.
Hopefully, you can all find common ground.
Good Luck.
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