For people who housesit or petsit overnight for multiple days? What are the reasonable expectations?
Should there be access to food, a bed, and a fully stocked bathroom? Should the sitter be locked out of certain areas?
What if the sitter is an immediate family member?
An adult daughter house and petsitting for her parents turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback on those questions.
Comeoneilene asked:
"AITA for refusing to watch my parents' dogs after they locked me out of their bathrooms the last time?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (22, female) recently moved out of my parents home. They (mom and dad and 2 younger siblings) all are out of town this weekend for my older brother's wedding (I am not at the wedding because I could not afford air travel to it)."
"I was asked to housesit and watch their dogs. I am sick, and yesterday I arrived at the home to watch the dogs. I needed cough syrup, so I called my mom to ask where I could get some."
"She directed me to her bathroom. The door was locked. She seemed surprised. I heard over the phone my dad asking why I needed to get into their bathroom. I immediately got the sense my dad locked the bathroom without my mom knowing."
"She said 'huh wonder how that door got locked that was weird' and then directed me to the fridge where she had prescription cough syrup and told me where to find the door key."
"To summarize: she pretty much acted dumb (doors dont lock on themselves) and deflected instead of saying anything in my defense or acknowledging he locked them. But I see her as both a victim and an enabler due to some past events."
"I hung up and found the cough syrup in the fridge. I felt pretty awful about the door being locked (it felt bizarre and like psychological warfare) and just needed a hot shower."
"I go to the guest bathroom. There is no soap or shower supplies in there. I go to my brother's bathroom to borrow some, it is locked too. I basically break down into tears and find DOG shampoo to go take a shower and try to calm down."
"I genuinely sobbed for an hour and then took cough syrup and went to sleep. I told my aunt and she was infuriated at this treatment and she told me to not dog sit for them again."
"My aunt also pointed out to me how she was upset by them not paying for my flight to the wedding and a few of my friends expressed concern about why I was left out of the wedding because I couldn't afford air travel, but they paid for my siblings. They said their parents always brought them along to family trips and family events, but that's not my experience."
"They are going on a family a trip in December and I have been asked to housesit again. I'm still housesitting now. I have not used the key and instead went and bought my own bathroom stuff."
"They have always let family guests use their shampoos previously. I was never told to bring my own stuff. It just feels humiliating that I was asked to housesit for 4 days, and I can't even get into any bathroom with shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, or a towel."
"AITA if I tell them no the next time they ask me to housesit given that this time they locked me out of 2 out of 3 bathrooms in the house and the only one I had access to only had dog shampoo in it?"
"The historical context I can provide is my father has been belittling and controlling in the past and is really the only reason I moved out since I go to school and work full time."
"We are a blended family, but I was always raised to see each other as full siblings. My therapist has brought up how she thinks part of my treatment is because I am technically his stepkid (though he's been in my life as my dad since I was 6)."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"What benefit do you get from helping your family and putting yourself into this vulnerable situation? Is it a habit of wanting to help the family?"
"Is it a hope that dad will change? Is it to maintain a relationship with the others because he won't let you otherwise?" ~ heorhe
"OP: THESE are the questions that you need to think over carefully and answer to yourself honestly. If they won’t even allow you access to such a basic requirement like their bathrooms, I think you should not dogsit for them again."
"But be forewarned. Your dad sounds like a typical, controlling, and negative narcissist, so if you 'go against him' by setting down some self-respecting boundaries, he will probably go full nuclear war against you… so play your cards carefully."
"Learn about narcissists and their traits so that you can interact with him in a mostly healthy way. The more you know, the better off you will be." ~ Pawleysgirls
"As a matter of fact: You have no family. Be honest with yourself; family does not treat you like you are being treated. Go no contact, these people only see you when they can use you. Live a happy life without them." ~ klavertjedrie
"He was punishing you for moving out. Next time, return the favor by staying gone." ~ toujourspret
"Let's take the emotion out, like if you were a stranger; just say they got your details from an app and engaged you to house-sit and mind the dogs. Perhaps they want to lock certain rooms."
"But the one bathroom that you are to use would need to be fully stocked. If you were the paid professional sitter, would you take another booking from that client?"
"So, either give your mother the heads up on what went down, or when they ask just say 'no, I won't be house/dogsitting in December'. Remember 'no' is a complete answer. You don't need to justify." ~ blueflash775
"Locking the doors was a pathetic move meant to make OP feel unwelcome and inferior after leaving their roof." ~ AwayWriting8992
"Are they paying you for this? Whenever I dog-sit for my family, they slip me some money for the work and maybe extra for some treats since I'd be staying over a few hours away from my apartment."
"Screw your dad. No good father treats their kids like that and makes sure everyone can attend those special events like a wedding."
"No right-minded person locks the pet sitter out of 2 out of 3 bathrooms and leaves no guest options when they are required to stay overnight." ~ Wandering_Gink0
"Sounds like you're lucky they left you toilet paper." ~ Jealous_Art_3922
"I can't believe your family let you miss your brother's wedding coz you couldn't afford the flights. I can't believe they wouldn't help pay for them so you could go to your own brother's wedding along with the rest of the family, but that would mean they had no housesitter and dogsitter."
"That's so selfish. The fact they locked the bathroom doors is also ludicrous, and took away all shower supplies! I mean how stingy and cheap do you have to be to hide shampoo and shower gel? I bet they didn't even leave you with towels to use!"
"The fact that they're treating you like this, I'd be inclined to tell them you will not be staying at their home any longer as you don't have access to a bathroom with basic supplies, and so they need to arrange for someone else to come housesit and dogsit, or they need to get the next flight home."
"Even having just the brother's shower open is fair. You're their daughter. Why won't they let you access the normal bathrooms?"
"But the fact that they have also planned a 'family holiday,' but are also leaving you out of that, AND expect you to house and dogsit is even more selfish and cruel. I hate to say it, but they clearly don't love you or care about having you in their life, they only care about how they can use you." ~ Poppypie77
"I would have told them they had until EOD business hours to find a new dog sitter and then left. If they tried to call your bluff, call animal control and tell them there are unattended animals in the house."
"Whatever you do, don’t petsit for them again, and I would honestly consider going no contact. I’m sorry your birthgivers suck." ~ lildeidei
"NTA, if you're not comfortable doing it or they have expressed that there is a distrust in you, then DO NOT DO IT!" ~ Independent_Bite4682
"The fact that her mother was surprised tells me her father did it to punish her, on top of her having to miss her brother's wedding." ~ popchex
"NTA. And if your parents can afford a house with 3 bathrooms, surely they can afford to fly you to your brother's wedding. Who paid for your younger siblings flights?" ~ Quiet_Temperature843
"Sweetheart, I think it's time to go low or no contact with your parents. They don't seem to add anything to your life. You may want to keep your aunt close." ~ privacyplease27
"The very first Christmas I spent at my mother's house (at 19), I was alone for the holidays because she needed me to catsit while her and her husband went on holiday. She convinced me that my staying there was a favour to me... never mind me being free labour."
"If she wanted to have a closer relationship now I was an adult and the courts no longer had a say, she would have taken me on holiday with her, not used me for free labour."
"OP, dont make the mistake I made chasing affection, or even human decency, from people who dont value you." ~ aliceisntredanymore
OP provided an update:
"I found out tonight from a family member the 'December trip' I referenced is in fact taking place during Christmas. So I was going to be excluded not just from a family trip, but a Christmas family trip (bonus points for needing more therapy)."
"Also, I genuinely haven't unlocked the bathroom doors because 1) I have been sick still and just feeling like crap physically 2) everytime I go to do it, I get just upset and angry at how humiliating it is to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to be your family."
"I've debated unlocking the doors to prove a point or leaving them locked to get my mind off it."
"I'll be revisiting many of your replies for encouragement that I am not crazy and that this treatment is in fact wild, abusive, and indicative that I'm probably not well liked by my dad!"
OP could talk to her family when they return, but she has recently moved out of her parents' home because of her father.
Maybe it's also time to move out of their lives for a bit until she sees meaningful change.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone