Boundaries with roommates are everything.
The roommate can be a stranger, an acquaintance, a best friend, a lover, or... family.
Everyone needs to have their safe spaces at home.
It just brings peace.
But some people just help but cross those boundaries.
Redditor babyybunnyy3 found herself in a dilemma regarding the use of her home, her dad, and her privacy, so she turned to the"Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for wanting to sell the house my dad and I bought together after he went through my locked bedroom while I was on vacation and found my adult things?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (F[emale] 23) have lived on my own since I was 18."
"I had my own apartment, my own space, and my own life for about five years before moving back in with my dad (M[ale] 59) about six months ago."
"We bought a place together, and I’m starting to wonder if moving back in was a huge mistake."
"For some context, I pay the mortgage, and he pays the utilities."
"I was completely fine with that arrangement because my dad is getting older and trying to prepare for retirement, and I wanted to help make things easier for him financially."
"So this isn’t a situation where I’m living in his house and expecting him to accommodate me."
"We bought the place together, and I contribute significantly to the household."
"The biggest issue is that my dad has never really respected my privacy."
"He has always gone through my room and my things, and I’ve repeatedly told him that I don’t want him doing that."
"I’ve even put a lock on my bedroom door."
"And it’s not that I don’t want him in my room at all."
"I have a 50-inch TV in there, and there are plenty of times when I invite him in to watch movies/shows together or just hang out."
"When I invite him in, obviously he’s welcome, but there’s a huge difference between me inviting my dad into my room and him deciding that he can enter and go through my belongings whenever he wants."
"I’m 23, and I have journals and diaries in my room where I write about my feelings and things going on in my life."
"I have personal belongings that I don’t want other people going through.'
"And, yes, I also have adult toys because I’m an adult with a private life."
"I’ve actually told my dad before that if he keeps going through my room, he’s eventually going to find my adult toys."
"I wasn’t saying that because I was embarrassed about owning them; I was just trying to make him understand that there are things in my room that he really doesn’t need to see."
"Well, I just went on a four-day vacation, and while I was gone, apparently my dad went through my room again."
"He found some of my adult toys."
"And then he moved them, and he told me that he found them."
"Now he’s making jokes at my expense about my adult toys."
"I’ve honestly been trembling in anger since I got home from vacation on Thursday."
"And not because my dad knows I own them."
"I’m 23, I don’t care about that."
"I’m angry because I have spent years telling him that my room is private, I’ve put a lock on the door, and he still feels entitled to go through my things when I’m not there."
"And honestly, the toys aren’t even the part that bothers me most."
"If he had gone through my room and found nothing remotely embarrassing, I’d still be furious."
"He could have read my journals, or he could have gone through personal things that I’ve never intended for anyone else to see."
"The fact that he happened to find my adult toys this time doesn’t make the underlying issue any different whatsoever."
"I spent five years living independently, and I got used to being able to close my bedroom door and know that my personal things were going to be exactly where I left them when I came home, and I don’t have that anymore."
"I’m now seriously considering asking my dad if we can sell the place and go our separate ways financially so I can get my own apartment again."
"I feel guilty even considering it because we only bought the place six months ago, and part of why I was okay with this arrangement in the first place was because I wanted to help my dad as he gets older and works toward retirement, but I also don’t know how I’m supposed to live here long term when I can’t trust that my private space will actually stay private."
"At this point, I don’t think I’m upset about one incident; it’s just that I’m realizing that I may simply not be able to live with someone who doesn’t respect my one boundary."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, AITAH for wanting to sell the place and move back out on my own?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"Time to sell."
"Your father has zero respect for you as a person."
"Doesn't see you as an adult."
"Refuses to respect your privacy."
"Doesn't appreciate that your living arrangement benefits him the most as he approaches retirement."
"There is no upside to you continuing to live with him, and he will never stop stomping on your reasonable and very common boundaries."
"NTA." ~ Anxious-Routine-5526
"Right, I knock on my 7-year-old niece's door if I'm bringing her her Mac and cheese with chicken nuggets... she gets a little annoyed I make her say "come in" every time... but one day I hope she looks back on it and appreciates the fact that I do this and why." ~ False_Cookie8226
"I've done this with my son since he was around 8; he's fourteen now and deserves even more privacy."
"I would never dream of just entering his room without knocking first or without asking him if he wasn't in there."
"Everyone deserves privacy, especially a grown-a** woman who pays for half a house."
"What in the name of Ann Summers is wrong with the Dad for thinking it is not only OK to go through his daughter's private belongings but then to joke about them, and he has absolutely read the journals, and I can guarantee it won't belong before he starts 'joking' about them as well.
"OP is NTA, but she would be if she didn't sell and get the heck out of there ASAP." ~ badassmamabear
"Why do you say you bought the house together if only you are contributing to the mortgage?"
"Are you both on the title?"
"How much has he put in?"
"Sell the house."
"Give him notice."
"Find your own."
"Get a PO Box."
"He just lost the privilege of knowing where you live. NTA." ~ Catfactss
"This is not normal behavior… to need to get into your bedroom so badly that he broke the lock, going through your things, handling your toys?"
"This guy has a problem."
"It’s time to move."
"Don’t feel bad- he did this to himself." ~ GhostPanda30
"Go talk to a realtor, have them come look at the home and give you an idea that you can sell it for."
"Then sit dear dad down, and tell him that because he can’t respect your privacy and your boundaries, you will be moving out, and he can buy you out of the house or you're going to force the sale."
"This is all on him. His choices have consequences."
"Then start looking for a new place."
"I would recommend getting a storage unit, and as you pack up boxes, move them to the storage unit."
"Then, for any furniture that is yours, get a friend or two to help you move the big stuff to storage."
"That may be when he knows you are serious about the situation."
"Good luck." ~ Grouchy-Storm-6758
"This! You don't need his permission to take this as far as you can."
"Hopefully getting an estate agent involved will be enough for him to realise you're serious and he won't fight selling."
"Removing a lot of your things to storage is a good idea, but don't move out until you need to." ~ AcanthocephalaOne285
"Hm. Yep. He still thinks of you as his inferior."
"Despite the 5-year break, he sees you as an extension of himself and not as a separate adult human he has to respect."
"It won't get better."
"You're going to have to sell."
"Sit him down and tell him since he won't treat you with equal partnership, you agreed that your agreement is void, and you are no longer interested in living with him."
"Does he want to buy you out, or will you need to force the sale?"
"Be firm."
"Be clear."
"Frankly, be cold."
"Don't think of him as your father you are trying to help out."
"Until you have the money in your hands, this man is a creepy roommate."
"He's going to try to play to your emotions; do not let him."
"NTA. It's going to be difficult, but do not waver."
"If you don't do this now, it'll be like this for the rest of his life." ~ boxesofboxes
"NTA. If he refuses, well, he can't actually refuse."
"You can force the sale."
"If it takes going to court about it, the fact that you're the one with receipts for mortgage payments will work in your favor." ~ inscrutablejane
"You don't ask; you tell him that he can buy you out or you're going to sell."
"You may need an attorney to help things along, if he doesn't agree." ~ joemc225
Reddit is 1000% with you, OP.
Your dad has crossed so many boundaries.
Maybe you can do a little couples therapy to make him see just how serious you are about this.
You have to take care of yourself first and foremost.
Good Luck.
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