They always say, curiosity killed the cat.
There is a reason why.
When we look for things, we have to be prepared for what we find.
Snooping is sometimes going to lead to trouble.
Be prepared...
Case in point...
Redditor This-Bonus-922 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback. So naturally, she came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
She asked:
"AITA for letting my MIL and SIL find our (hubby's and mine) bedroom toys because I suspected they snooped in my drawers?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (27 F[emale]) husband (32 M[ale]) and I have been dating for 6 years and married for 4."
"We have a 3 year old baby boy and since we don't plan on having more children, I told my husband that I wanted to get my boobs redone because I wanted them more perky and I had surgery last year."
"My M[other] I[n] L[aw] has always been sniffy because my husband is her only son."
"We've gone L[ow] C[ontact] over the years because she's overbearing with him and dismissing with me."
"Things got a little better when our baby was born, but after my surgery?"
"Oof, it's like I wrote on my forehead 'LOOK AT MY BOOBS, I WANT TO CHEAT ON MY HUSBAND!!'"
"She's always implying that I did it for male validation (yeah, your son's), that I'll leave my husband, that I look like a hooker because I wear stuff that shows cleavage, that I could've gotten them a little smaller, everything."
"She also complains about my clothes (and underwear) a lot, because 'no married woman with a child should dress like this.'"
"And see, that's what stung me because, how could she know?"
"I suspected she was going in my drawers."
"But my husband told me that she could never, she made a comment about a cute set of lingerie that shows basically everything and I was confused."
"I asked how'd she knows I have it and she said ''she saw it in the washing machine.'"
"But I prefer to wash my sets by hand so the lace lasts longer."
"Anyway, we recently changed our bedroom and I had an idea to put an end to this, when I was restocking my drawers."
"I used one in my vanity to put all of my husband's and mines sex toys, a few sets and a dirty letter he wrote to me once."
"My MIL visited us a few times and said nothing, so I did felt bad for accusing her, but yesterday she was here with my SIL and my husband and I were in the kitchen cooking for them."
"We heard my MIL calling us and when we went to our room they were standing next to my open drawer, I just snorted, looked at my husband and said 'See? she snoops.'"
"My husband got red in the face, berated my MIL and my SIL and they both left after calling me indecent."
"My husband is mad at them, but he's mad at me too because he says I shouldn't have set a trap for his family and is saying we three need to apologize to each other."
"So maybe AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. They're acting like you put a dildo in the cutlery drawer and waited for them to discover it while cooking dinner."
"It's not a trap, it's just another drawer in your bedroom." ~ MiruTheSloth
"I bought a big wooden dildo bottle opener, and put it in the kitchen drawer used for implements."
"It took my wife a month to find, and my MIL not much longer."
"The thing is that my wife goes into that drawer all the time."
"Daughter noticed it within a few days, so she was in on the joke, and it killed us both every time someone else did not spot it." ~ wellthatexplainsalot
"My wife's father's wife (she doesn't call her stepmom) is like this."
"She always snoops and seems to want to find something to criticize."
"I recently told my wife that I wanted to do the exact same thing OP did."
"We don't have any sex toys but I wouldn't mind buying a big dildo and put it in a drawer so she would find it and get scared." ~ wantout87
"No no, the dildo doesn't go in the cutlery drawer."
"You put them 'all' in the dishwasher for 'sex toy cleanliness day' to do the thorough cleaning (of course wash after use, but every now and then you want to do the whole set for that extra bit of safety)."
"Now 'that' would be one hell of a find... 'Lemme get a fork from the dishwasher... those are not forks.'"
"And NTA OP."
"I love the people that set traps for snooping people in their home - if they didn't snoop they wouldn't find stuff they shouldn't see." ~ Malacoda85
"NTA. They really called you in to your own bedroom to berate you over what you keep in your own drawers?"
"Never let these people back in to your home again." ~ emccm
"NTA, you kept your stuff in your drawer in your house."
"If you go looking through someone else's stuff you can't complain about what you find." ~ National-Priority729
"NTA. Your husband is a problem though- on what planet was that your fault???"
"His family shouldn't be allowed back in your house because they invade your privacy and slut shame you regularly, they do it in front of him, and his reaction is for you to apologize too s[hake] m[y] d[amn] h[ead]."
"That's outrageous."
"You have every right to not be around people who demean you and violate your boundaries and to not want your children around them as well."
"I would go no contact instead of low." ~ MissionRevolution306
"NTA. It's indecent for you to have sex toys tucked away in a drawer in the privacy of your own bedroom but her behavior isn't?"
"She keeps intentionally snooping, trying to sniff out anything sexually related?"
"What the hell is her fascination with you and her own son's sex life?"
"Maybe you should ask her."
"Also, it's not entrapment to put stuff in a damn drawer in a dresser you own, in YOUR bedroom, in YOUR house."
"Are you just supposed to fill it with socks and hide everything else under a floorboard, lest mommy's prying eyes find something to be offended over?"
"Your husband needed a slap of reality."
"He got it, but he's still not wanting to fully acknowledge or deal with it, because yeah he may be "mad at them" but he's also still trying to put this on you."
"It's your fault he can't continue to ignore it now."
"He gets a YTA too, albeit a softer one than nosy MIL and SIL." ~ ConferenceDecent4222
"NTA this is hilarious and exactly what you should have done."
"If he wasn't willing to listen that they were snooping you had every right to trap them."
"Also, you have every right to out in your drawers what you want."
"It is your house and your drawers."
"Gross of MIL and SIL."
"Your husband needs to apologize to you and put his mama in her place." ~ SpaceCrazyArtist
"NTA. When a normal person accidentally opens a drawer in someone's bedroom, say to borrow a hairbrush or hand cream, and discovers something 'scandalous' instead, they quickly close it and pretend they never saw it in the first place."
"Stashing handcuffs and thongs in the pantry is a trap."
"Moving your sex toys to a drawer in your bedroom is not." ~ Any_Cantaloupe_613
"NTA. People went through your dresser - your private space — without permission for the purpose of shaming and/or embarrassing you."
"You did not set a trap."
"People should expect a level of privacy in their own homes." ~ former-bishop
"NTA. F**K NO."
"You better not apologize, girl."
"Is having a burglar alarm and security cameras setting a trap for someone who would rob you?"
"Is locking your car and setting the alarm setting a trap for car thieves?!"
"F**k no it's not. It's called a deterrent and also proof." ~ TashiaNicole1
"Hahahahaha NTA. They fucked around and found out."
"Refuse to apologize hubby is only embarrassed and ashamed you were right."
"He needs to keep his head out of his rear end." ~ REDDIT
"NTA. Your MIL and SIL had no business snooping through the drawers in your bedroom."
"You didn't set a trap, you simply placed things in a drawer."
"MIL and SIL are the AHs here for snooping through your drawers and being upset at what they found."
"Tell hubby to grow up." ~ Algebralovr
"NTA at all. I am so PROUD of you!!!"
"You should not have set a trap?"
"If your MIL had not been snooping, she would not have walked into it."
"YOU deserve the apology, not them."
"They invaded your privacy."
"Your husband needs to put his big boy pants on, ACT like a husband and demand that THEY apologize to YOU!" ~ REDDIT
"NTA, and this is hilarious."
"You are a full grown adult and you can store your sex toys wherever you like in your own home."
"They went into your private bedroom and went through your draws."
"I honestly wouldn't blame you if you'd put a mousetrap in your underwear drawer."
"They stuck their noses where they shouldn't have and that's what they get."
"They don't deserve an apology, and they don't deserve to step foot in your home ever again." ~ joanclaytonesq
Well OP, sounds like Reddit is with you.
Although, a sit down between everybody sounds like it maybe in order.
At least to set boundaries and have everyone on the same page.
But you certainly deserve privacy in your own home.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp