The rise of social media and the omnipresence of cameras in our daily lives, privacy has become a thing to be cherished.
So, what happens when you feel the little privacies you've carved out for yourself being eroded?
That was the issue facing Redditor and Original Poster Milathrowaway37 when she came to the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for judgment.
She asked:
"AITA for leaving a fake postive pregnancy test in the bedroom to catch my husband's mom snooping?"
OP got right to the situation at hand.
"My MIL moved in with us a month ago."
"I began to notice my stuff in the bedroom being touched. Furniture rearranged, stuff moved et cetera..."
"I felt like I was going crazy because my husband is the only one who has access to the bedroom and he doesn't usually touch nor come near my things."
"I figured it must be his mom walking in and snooping on my personal things."
"I told my husband and he said his mom would never...I had a huge hunch but couldn't install a cam in the bedroom to catch her in act."
A plan was formed.
"So, I got me one of those fake postive pregnancy tests and threw it in the bedroom's trashcan."
"Note the trashcan was placed in the corner near the closet."
"Literally the next day after I got to work, I got tons of calls and texts from my inlaws 'congratulating' me for my 'pregnancy'".
"My husband came over to my workplace and was all worked up about it asking since when I was pregnant, and why I didn't tell him."
"I asked how he found out and he said his mom found the positive test in the trashcan in the bedroom."
"I asked if his answer just confirmed that she's been snooping in the bedroom all along."
"He had a 'realization' moment but demanded we stick to the bigger issue, I said there was no bigger issue because the positive test was fake and this whole thing was done to expose my MIL's snooping."
"He was not convinced."
"He had me take an actual test right in front of him and he was livid asking how could I lie about such thing and break his mom's heart since I know...very well that she longs for kids."
"I got a lot of shit because of this from him, his mom and family now calling me a liar and manipulator."
OP was left to wonder,
"AITA?"
Having explained the situation, OP turned to Reddit for judgment.
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided: NTA
Commenters found Mother and Son lacking.
NTA. You didn't lie. You set a trap. You caught a rat. ~ JazzyKnowsBest13
"Yup yup.."
"1.The mother has no business going thru other people stuff, especially announcing someone's pregnancy."
"2.The husband needs to be more supportive and less controlling."
"Good job OP - NTA" ~ -Enna-
"There are so many issues, especially with the husband in this."
"Hrs not only controlling, but he's utterly disrespectful and untrusting of his wife."
"He thinks his mom can do no wrong, and took her side instantly - without skipping a beat." ~ emeraldkat77
"NTA"
"Give your husband this thread to read."
"Maybe he will see this from the perspective of people that do not have an emotional attachment to this issue."
"I am a MIL and I would never dream of going into the bedroom or ensuite of my adult children and their spouse's homes."
"Likewise my adult children are respectful of my home and my space (and this is the home they grew up in)."
"I would never do this even when I am a guest in a friend's home."
"MIL needs to back off and your husband needs to be supportive of you." ~ shbrinnnn
"NTA!"
"Your MIL is such an AH for snooping around."
"Your mama's boy husband dismissed your concerns."
"You could've asked her if she was going into your room, but he probably would've gotten mad at that, too."
"Which led you to believe you had to take drastic measures in order to have proof, 'cause otherwise no one would back you up."
"She had absolutely NO RIGHT to announce your pregnancy."
"Imagine it had been true, she didn't care about hurting your feelings by stealing the opportunity to announce something so personal."
"She didn't even ask you privately first to make sure your husband already knew (but of course privacy is not something she cares about, as we can see)."
"She's the one violating someone's privacy... and her feelings are hurt? She's trying to take everyone's attention away from the fact that she found out the wrong way, OP. DON'T let her!" ~ Pro_crastinator451
In fact, commenters had a lot to say about OP's husband.
"Throw it right back at him, 'let's stick to the bigger issue, did your mom rifle through my trash can like a dog? How is that at all appropriate?"'
"'Maybe we need separate bedrooms if you are so comfortable letting mommy dig through your room because I am not!"' ~ SuburbanStrawberry
"Ask him how it's manipulative to put it in your own private trash can after he assured you that she wasn't snooping. If he wasn't lying to you, then you had no reason to believe she would ever see it."
"How can you manipulate someone who will never see the fake test, according to his own reassurances to you?" ~ WayCandid5193
Commenters also had privacy concerns.
"NTA."
"There's nothing worse than feeling like you can't relax in your own house or like your things aren't safe in your own house."
"Why is MIL living with you?"
"It sounds like step 1 is to talk to your husband about cutting the chord and telling his mum to stop snooping and respect your space."
"I would also point out that EVEN if MIL's snooping was ok and the test was genuine."
"Why the hell did she think it was appropriate or acceptable to go telling everyone else? Most people want to keep a pregnancy private for a while."
"This whole thing of 'MIL longs for kids'…."
"What's it got to do with her?"
"She's not the one giving birth to grandkids so she doesn't get a say in it."
"I HATE this idea that women owe their parents grandkids and the fact that your husband is giving you that excuse makes him an AH as well." ~ Proud_Fee_1542
"Yeah, on your second point - the husband's whole 'why didn't you come to me first?' is not the right question -"
"She didn't tell anyone. Imagine if it hadn't been fake and she was coming up with a fun way to tell him, but mil had spoiled the surprise." ~ EnviroAggie
Some responders were just confused.
"It's not a lie if your MIL sniffed around and dug up false intel she was not supposed to find....had she been a normal, civil and polite guest who respects boundaries and does not snoop around in personal business."
"Honestly, the husband and his family sound like a nightmare."
"The question you should ask your husband is : 'You didn't want to believe me when I told you your mom was snooping around in my stuff."'
"'What was the right way to prove it to you? What was the acceptable thing to do, for all involved parties, including me?"'
"Because it did not only get started with your MIL violating your boundaries, it continued with your husband not believing you."
"(More than once! he made you take a pregnancy test in front of him...why, exactly?)."
"And then your MIL continued violating your privacy by announcing your 'pregnancy' to the whole town, robbing you of the occasion to the announcement yourself."
"But the issue, according to everyone, is not the snooping, is not the distrust, is not the boundaries stomping."
"It's hiding something she wasn't supposed to see had she been a good MIL, in a place she shouldn't have accessed had she been a good MIL."
"Where is the lie? Where is the manipulation?"
"NTA." ~ ChibiSailorMercury
Some felt MIL was capable of more insidious behavior.
"I can't believe so few people (yet) are mentioning this."
"If MIL is longing for 'kids' (doesn't hubby count as her child?!) AND also habitually snooping, tampering with birth control is not beyond the realm of possibility."
"Edit: added missing word 'beyond'" ~ puppyfarts99
"THIS. OP, check any and all birth control."
"Check your pills, check for pinholes in condoms, seriously- MIL is brazen."
"She was daring enough to 'announce your pregnancy', even to your husband."
"And it worries me your husband doesn't see the issue with his mother."
"Obligatory NTA." ~ bexannh
"I thought the exact same thing. I remember an episode of Law & Order SVU where a perpetrator poked pin-holes in condoms."
"Sounds so crazy, but with OP's MIL, who knows…"
"Definitely NTA." ~ Individual-Sign310
Others saw danger in the future.
"Exactly."
"OP, please don't have kids with this guy. His family is a mess, and he's on their side."
"He doesn't believe you when you have a valid suspicion."
"He cares more about his mom's feelings than yours."
"He doesn't give a sh*t about your privacy or your rights."
"He didn't apologize when he discovered he was wrong about his mom."
"Instead, he blamed you. He gets angry with you for someone else's wrongdoing. So many red flags. NTA." ~ bananapineapplesauce
"This."
"People underestimate how much insane in-laws stress a marriage once there are kids AND even if you make it through…"
"Unfortunately in the end, most people turn out just like their parents. No offense to the exceptional people who have overcome crappy families." ~ angiedoessports
OP did return with an important clarification.
Important info: nothing gets taken or goes missing from the bedroom. just to be clear."
The real issue here, of course, is that the boundaries set by OP aren't just trampled on, they are being ignored by someone she trusts.
Be kind where possible, but always remember that your boundaries are important.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp