Gift-giving is supposed to come from the heart and have no strings attached, but some people learn at a very young age, through a controlling gift-giver in their family, that this isn't always the case.
Having a conditional gift-giver can be especially hard when they become a grandparent and start buying large quantities of gifts for their grandchildren out of "love," the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit cringed.
Redditor BreadOverlord_ had an increasingly strained relationship with their mother-in-law, who constantly bought large-sized and expensive gifts for their two children, causing their home to overflow.
When their mother-in-law made another large purchase, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to speak up about the impracticality, only for the mother-in-law to lash out in a way they never saw coming.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for telling my mother-in-law that her massively expensive and space-hogging gifts are no longer welcome in our small apartment?"
The OP was tired of putting up with their mother-in-law's gift-giving style.
"I'm at my wits' end with my mother-in-law (MIL) and her 'generosity.'"
"We live in a modest two-bedroom apartment, and space is a premium. We've explained this to her repeatedly."
"Yet, for every birthday and Christmas, she buys our kids (5 Female and 3 Male) these ridiculously oversized, expensive gifts that have no place in our home."
"We're talking electric ride-on cars that they can't drive around and that we have nowhere to store, a drum set the size of a small table, and a giant dollhouse that takes up half the living room, among other gifts."
"We usually end up donating them or storing them at a friend's house, which feels incredibly wasteful and ungrateful, but we simply can't keep them!"
The mother-in-law's latest purchase put the OP over the edge.
"This past week, she announced she'd bought our son a 'surprise' for his upcoming birthday: a massive, multi-level train table."
"I tried to gently tell her, 'That sounds lovely, but we literally have no space for something like that. We really appreciate your generosity, but smaller, more practical gifts would be better.'"
"She got incredibly offended, said I was 'looking a gift horse in the mouth,' and implied I was ungrateful for her efforts."
"She then went on a tirade about how she just wants to 'spoil her grandchildren' and pointed out how I'm 'depriving them.'"
The OP was at a loss when their husband sided with his mother.
"My husband, as usual, told me to 'just accept the gift and deal with it later.'"
"He thinks I'm being ungrateful and creating unnecessary drama."
"But I feel like I'm constantly battling to maintain some semblance of order and sanity in our home, and it feels like a constant disrespect for our boundaries and living situation."
"Am I truly overreacting by refusing these well-intentioned but impractical gifts and standing firm on our space limitations?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some advised that the OP let their MIL "gift" the items and then take them home.
"When your kid opens the gift, say, 'Oh wow! We can't fit it here, so it will have to stay at Grandma's!'"
"Then make sure she takes it home. Then she is not deprived of her gift-giving, and you don't have to deal with it. Win-win!" - aquagurl84
"OP needs to tell MIL to keep that train table at her place. If it can't fit there, either, then she shouldn't buy it."
"My mom wants to buy my nephews' stuff all of the time, too, but it's small things they can either eat or clothes they can wear or bedding they can use or small plushies once in a while that she thinks are adorable, even though they also have a million toys and plushies as it is, already."
"NOR." - morchard1493
"NOR. We suggested that the big gifts move away. Like, 'WOW, they will love using that when they are at your house.'"
"Grandparents can be great. They can also be overbearing and use guilt to get their way. It's not always easy to set boundaries and hold them."
"My snarky reply would be that when she buys you a nice big house there, I'll have more room for giant presents for the kids. Maybe she gives you a few hundred thousand dollar gift."
"But seriously, just be kind, firm, and consistent that large gifts stay at her house."
"Your husband needs to be in lockstep with you on how you handle things. He will need to grow a firmer spine to stand up to his Mom on things. Have a real talk about setting boundaries and prioritizing your immediate family over others." - Crafty-Isopod45
"To slow my mom down, I used to let her buy the big gifts and bring them to my house to open, and then force her to take them home."
"She'd buy my daughter giant gifts, and after a few years of gently suggesting she doesn't do it anymore, I finally said, 'Yay! She'll love this! She'll love playing with it at your house because that's where it's going!'"
"My kid is almost 11, and we don't have a single large gift in our tiny house now; her big house is packed with everything. Worked like a charm!" - Gladys_Balzitch
"This is exactly what I've done for years! Anytime my MIL wants to buy something big for my daughter, I just say, 'I love that, but it has to stay at your house, because we don't have the room!'":
"Over the years of doing this, she has respected that decision, bought fewer big items, and I don't have to find room. Also, because they keep those things at MIL's house, they get more bonding time. Win for everyone!" - oeigan
"NOR. My mother did this when I got divorced and moved into a smaller two-bedroom apartment with my two kids. She insisted on getting them these big pop-up tents."
"So I'll recommend doing what I did: Tell her to keep it at her house so when the kids come visit, they have something to play with!"
"She was hesitant at first, but I was really proud of her, because she actually ended up donating a bunch of stuff she didn't want or need, and she created a bedroom for my kids in her house. Extra clothes and toys she wanted to get them, bigger items, and those tents all went into that room and made a great space for them to stay weekends at Grandma's!" - StatisticianAny9624
"Spoil them at grandma's. Then they'll have a cool toy to play with there. If she says they have no room, just stare at her with one eyebrow raised expectantly and see if the penny drops."
"NOR and as usual, your husband should be dealing with his mother's pushy ways." - SnbooCheesecakes2723
"Letting them gift the toys at our house and then take them home with them was EXACTLY how our ILs got a giant 10-foot-plus long Hot Wheels racetrack ramp!"
"Did our kid love and appreciate it? H**l yes. Did the tiny apartment we lived in at the time have literally anywhere long enough to keep this thing without being a perpetual trip hazard? Nope!"
"This was way back when he was the only grandchild- he's about to turn 16, and there's a bunch more grandkids now... and it's still there, regularly used and loved by all the littles! It's actually great and saved us a lot of fights!" - UnrulyPoet
"This is PETTY, but if sending the items home with your MIL doesn't work, start setting the toys up on your husband's side of the bed. He'll have to remove them all from his side in order to sleep, and then good luck to him in the middle of the night when he needs to pee or the next morning when he's groggy and trying not to step on something." - HollyGL
Others also pointed out that this was just as much a husband problem as a MIL problem.
"I hate to say this, but this is a Husband problem as well as a MIL problem." - Disenchanted2
"Honestly, this is mainly a husband problem. If the husband respected his wife (and his home), then he would have no problem telling his mom they would no longer accept large gifts. Easy fix, have a husband that's on your side instead of his mommy's." - lokiandgoose
"Obviously, hubs is a momma's boy and will never tell her to stop."
"I have an ex that was a mama's boy like that. I gave him back to his mama… The kids might be able to go to grandma's house to enjoy the toys, their grandma, AND their dad in his basement apartment." - Silver_Queen_Bee
"Who the h**l gives a kid of any age, much less a five-year-old, a drum set when they live in an apartment? That is either very dumb or purposefully toxic."
"Who then gives a giant train table (I've seen these things; they can easily be as big as another bed, which most people don't have room for, no shade!) and FREAKS OUT when a parent very realistically says, 'It's lovely, but we truly just don't have SPACE for it'?!"
"And the winner winner chicken dinner question: Who's dealing with all of this, mentally speaking? Hearing about the gifts and having to discuss them, the stress of seeing them in person for the first time and realizing how big they are, managing the house, cleaning the house, managing the children, and now taking the brunt of the mother-in-law's outbursts?"
"Because I'd guess it's you when it should be your husband."
"Because this is your husband's mother, therefore HE should be dealing with it start to finish. He should be shutting her behavior down, not you, and he shouldn't be shutting you down." - Used_Clock_4627
"If this is not your mother, you have a marriage problem, not a MIL problem."
"If your partner doesn't see the issue, then speak with them about space allocation, and when you find an agreed-upon amount of space for her gifts, they can communicate it."
"If this is your parent, I trust you have fought similar battles over the years, and what you really need to work on is that YOU ARE THE PARENT. YOU and our partner get approval/rejection rights for all gifts."
"YOU and your partner get approval/rejection rights for all gifts. If they do not respect you, that is the core issue." - Schroeje
"I don't think the OP's husband is a total lost cause or trying to be a problem or cater to his mom, but the husband has some relearning to do."
"He almost certainly grew up learning the best way to deal with his mother was to do what she said without argument. It will be very difficult to break this defense mechanism."
"I would love to know what his method of 'dealing with it later' is. Probably not dealing with it at all." - BlacakeyedSusan19
The subreddit wasn't convinced that the mother-in-law's gifts were well-intentioned at all, but if they were, there had to be a better way to channel her love language of gift-giving, perhaps by putting the bigger gifts at her house and keeping only smaller, everyday gifts at the OP's.
If the mother-in-law insisted she didn't have space at home, that should be a wake-up call that these gifts were impractical for their family.
But if she was going to use these gifts as virtual signals to indicate ways in which the OP was "depriving" their children, maybe there wasn't a place for these gifts in their home anyway, since gifts with strings attached should not stick around.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp