Many friends are friends through thick and thin, and it’s impossible to imagine anything ruining their bond.
But one friend breaking into the other’s might be enough to do the trick, side-eyed the folks in the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor lovemystellabella had been friends with a woman for eight years and noticed that she frequently found herself mixed up in drama that she seemed to cause.
But when the friend brought drama into her life by breaking into her house, the Original Poster (OP) knew that she couldn’t be friends with the woman anymore.
She asked the sub:
“AITAH for ending an eight-year friendship after my cameras recorded her in my home when I was out of town?”
The OP became fast friends with a hairstyling client.
“My friend and I met when I was her hairstylist. Then we realized that we only lived about six blocks apart. Due in part to the proximity, we became very close, and she would stop by three or more times per week.”
“We enjoyed a lot of the same crafts and we had a mutual love of plants, so we often worked together in my yard, or hung out by my firepit.”
But then the friendship became tiresome for the OP.
“She had a lot of constant personal relationship crises (which I always pointed out that she brought on herself), and it became more and more exhausting to spend time with her.”
“Consequently, I slowly tried to limit our time together (although I did care about her and knew she didn’t have many other friends.)”
Soon, the friend brought new drama to their friendship.
“I went out of town to visit my daughter at college, but before I left, I installed a new security system that I had received. It didn’t really occur to me to mention it to anyone.”
“When I was with my daughter, I told her about it, and we got on her phone so I could teach her how to watch the cameras at home also. (We have two cats and she wanted to be able to see them and interact with them.)”
“I was showing her how to see the clips from the motions detected earlier in the day. It was nighttime so the house was dark, in which case the camera lights were on for detection.”
“In a clip from two hours earlier, I noticed my ‘friend’ walking through my house with the flashlight of her phone. She was inspecting every drawer, cupboard, and nook and cranny. My daughter and I were in shock.”
The OP confronted her friend right away.
“I texted her immediately.”
“I asked her if she was at my house today, and she replied that she had been in the backyard picking up sticks (apparently for a fire pit she intended to have at her home that evening).”
“Then I asked her if she had been in the house. She responded that she had to go into my garage to look for a container.”
“I then told her I had security cameras now. She laughed and asked why I was asking her if she was there because I had obviously seen her already in the backyard.”
“She had no clue that I had also installed them in the house. So I sent her a screenshot and asked her if she knew who that person might be in my house with the flashlight.”
“She waited a few minutes to respond and then said, ‘Oh yeah… Your cat got out.'”
“I asked her how my cat would get out if nobody was in the house and she responded, ‘I’m so sorry, I forgot that I was looking in your house for some gel pens because I needed to do artwork.'”
“I reminded her that she had just bought 100 of them the previous week.”
The OP could no longer trust her friend.
“At this point, I was really getting p**sed. I told her that I was freaked out that I saw her sneaking around my house with the flashlight and that made me uncomfortable.”
“She just kept laughing it off and then when she realized I really was upset, she changed her tune to one of remorse and said she just needed to find something to do because she was upset with her boyfriend.”
“I told her that I didn’t think I could spend time with her anymore because I had spent years trying to teach her about boundaries and our friendship was beginning to exhaust me..”
Then the OP found out that this was not a new trespassing situation.
“So I was telling the story to the guy that rents my basement, and he said that she is at my house every time I’m out of town.”
“He was used to seeing her around, so he thought maybe I had asked her to do something there.”
“Two weeks later, she texted and needed relationship advice, and acted like since we were ‘so close,’ it should not be a big deal. I told her what my basement renter said (I was super p**sed at this point).”
“She became very offended and said it was nobody else’s business and I should not have told anybody about it. I told her our friendship was definitely over and to not contact me again. I told her that I was removing myself from toxic people.”
“Later, I was talking to one of my other friends (also a client) about it, and they kind of made me feel that I was not a very good friend because I needed to have a talk with her and forgive her. They said that people make mistakes I need to be forgiven and she should get another chance.”
“Since she was exhausting me anyway, I just can’t bring myself to want to have anything to do with her.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that “good friends” would not behave like this.
“You know what a good friend doesn’t do? A good friend doesn’t sneak into your house without your permission to bum around every time you’re out of town. NTA.” – dalealace
“Good friends don’t lie to you, ignore your boundaries, minimize your hurt, minimize their actions that hurt you, snoop through all of your s**t, get mad at you when you consult someone else regarding their bad behaviors, AND THEY DON’T COMMIT CRIMES AGAINST YOU.”
“She literally broke in, entered OP’s home, and snooped through all of her things. Whether she took anything or not, doesn’t really change things, but if she did, she also burglarized OP’s home to boot.” – CatmoCatmo
“Good friends also lie about what they did until they’re backed into a corner. The loss of trust that comes with the lies feels worse than the intrusion.” – Indigoh
“NTA. This isn’t a ‘mistake.’ She was repeatedly sneaking into your house without permission, going through your personal belongings with a flashlight, and then lied multiple times when caught. That’s seriously creepy stalker behavior.”
“Plus finding out she does this EVERY time you’re away? That’s breaking and entering, plain and simple.”
“Your client is wrong. This isn’t something that just needs forgiveness. This is a massive violation of trust and privacy that’s apparently been going on for who knows how long.”
“You set a completely reasonable boundary by ending the friendship. Someone who repeatedly sneaks into your house, lies about it, then gets offended when called out is not a friend; they’re a security threat.” – LongjumpingTitle1304
“I took away my dad’s key to our house after our cameras captured him walking in unannounced. It’s your house and you should be able to control who comes and goes.”
“I would change all the locks though, immediately.”
“I would also run all three credit bureau reports, and see if anything odd shows up. Snooping around means access to valuables and financial information. Confirm that all of your vital paperwork is still at your house. Change the locks immediately, and tell the renter to call the police if they see her again.” – Dangerous_Ant3260
Others pointed out that the OP should also ignore the other client’s advice.
“The OP wrote, ‘I was talking to one of my clients about it, and they kind of made me feel that I was not a very good friend because I needed to have a talk with her and forgive her.'”
“Your client is an idiot. You did the right thing. NTA at all.” – Winternin
“What? So a person breaks and enters into your home multiple times and is already a bad friend and you’re considering listening to a client who thinks you should forgive?”
“You can forgive her. But definitely change your locks and do not rekindle the friendship.” – Fit_Try_2657
“Change your locks. Change your credit card number. Change your account information. Lock your credit. Assume everything is compromised. And do an inventory of what’s missing.”
“You may even want to file a police report.”
“As to the client, ask them where they live. Ask for the exact address. And when they ask why. Just say, it’s not for me, it’s for my former friend. I’m sure she would love to be friends with you.” – DeclutteringNewbie
“OP is already the bigger person. The friend has done nothing to deserve forgiveness, she hasn’t even explained her constant trespassing.”
“And in any case, ‘being the bigger person’ means not yelling at her, badmouthing her on social media, getting her fired, or that kind of thing. But setting a boundary of ‘I don’t remain friends with people who break into my house’ is still being the bigger person.” – Fit_Try_2657
“People always think that forgiveness means putting a ‘doormat’ sign on your back. It doesn’t mean that. Yes, I can and will forgive you, but will I let you back into my orbit? Abso-bloody-lutely not.”
“No one gets to behave poorly, then put the onus on me to be the bigger person. The same goes for you, OP. NTA.” – Pomerosa
After receiving feedback, the OP was relieved to have so much support.
“To those who asked, she did NOT have a key. I did not always lock my back garage door. Lesson learned!”
“The reason I second-guessed myself is because of my own weak boundaries. I felt sorry for her and thought it probably wouldn’t happen again. BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I FOUND OUT THAT SHE HAD DONE IT MANY TIMES BEFORE.”
“Also, my other friend who told me that I should forgive her is just a super kind and loving person. I know I made the right decision, but of course, there is a sadness and loss of what I thought was an eight-year ‘friendship.'”
“I appreciate all the comments, and I feel good about the decision I made. And yes, the doors are now locked and security is in place!”
As nice as it can be to forgive and forget, it’s hard to forgive someone for breaking into your house, and it’s impossible to forget.
Even though the friendship lasted for eight years, the OP’s former friend was willing to jeopardize it and then blame the OP for not putting up with it. That’s not a true friendship.