Sometimes family is the greatest source of a person's pain.
Cutting out or running from this family is often the only option.
It's a sad scenario.
But are there other options to explore?
Redditor Due_Razzmatazz_8098 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for moving away without telling my dad and stepmom?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I’m 18 F[emale]."
"My parents split when I was six, and I grew up mostly with my dad and stepmom, 'Betty.'”
"Betty was extremely controlling."
"I was forced to call her Mom, kept from having a relationship with my biological mom, and eventually went about seven years without speaking to her."
"There was also basically no privacy."
"I wasn’t allowed to lock doors while showering, using the bathroom, or changing, and Betty would go through family member's messages to make sure I wasn’t talking to my mom. "
"She even put cameras and microphones in vehicles, despite knowing I sometimes changed clothes in my truck after school."
"I wasn’t a troubled kid."
"I got decent grades, kept to myself, and spent most of my free time working."
"My dad knew about Betty’s behavior but didn’t really intervene."
"One night after work, Betty followed me home and convinced my dad I wasn’t actually working and was instead hanging out with guys."
"The next day, I was confined to my room, had everything taken away, and was only allowed out to use the bathroom."
"That night, I drove six hours to my biological mom’s house. "
"I hadn’t spoken to her in seven years and didn’t know if she would even take me in, but thankfully she did."
"Afterward, I received horrible messages from my dad, Betty, and their family, calling me disgusting, a wh*re, a drug addict, and other names."
"I was told I would never be their daughter again and that my dad wouldn’t speak to me unless I had a relationship with Betty."
"I finished high school living with my biological mom, and things have been much better since."
"Now I’m 18 and have a 19-year-old B[oy]F[riend]."
"He recently got an apprenticeship in the Mountain States, and we’re considering moving there together."
"My mom is supportive and wants me to continue school and pursue the career I want."
"My boyfriend asked if I’ve told my dad and Betty about the move."
"I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to."
"Part of me feels like I don’t owe them an explanation after everything that happened."
"Another part of me wonders if I’ll regret leaving without telling them."
"I’m not trying to punish anyone or create drama."
"I just want to move forward with my life."
"Does anyone have any advice on whether I should tell them?"
"What should I even say?"
"Feel free to ask questions."
"It’s hard to fit all the information on here due to restrictions."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So WIBTH if I told her hey, this will be the last time I’m able to get you all groceries?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"I think not telling them sounds like a completely rational thing to do."
"The behavior you described is controlling and abusive, and if you can get away from the toxicity, I think you should." ~ Present_Tangerine_86
"This. You're finally safe and thriving now."
"If you contact them, they might insert themselves into your life and try to control you again."
"Is it worth the risk?"
"Especially when they've done nothing to prove that they can be trusted."
"The decision is still up to you, of course." ~ IceSeeker
"Why would the boyfriend want OP to contact the father and his current wife?"
"They were abusive and always will be."
"I hope this doesn't mean that boyfriend thinks that OP will ever have a decent relationship with her abusers." ~ Dangerous_Ant3260
"NTA. Tell them if it will make you feel better, but I don’t see any reason why you actually should."
"Their actions - Betty’s lies and your father’s indifference - burned the bridge on that relationship; it’s not up to you to rebuild it." ~ Outrageous-Ad-9635
"NTA. You don’t owe them anything."
"The less headspace you give them, the better your life will be."
"Take a few years, get some therapy, and focus on making a good life for yourself."
"Then maybe you’ll be able to say all the things you want to say to your abusers." ~ Ok_Day_8559
"To be honest, if I were you, I'd be afraid of telling them and then having to face that type of retaliation from them."
"Your mom knows where you're going; I think that's the most important."
"Maybe tell her to contact your dad about your move if it ever becomes essential for him to know."
"But in the meantime, I really don't see how telling them would change anything or won't worsen the situation."
"Also, if he ever wants to apologise, whether you've moved or not, you'd be reachable by phone." ~ obladi_adalbo
"So much this."
"NTA. She's followed you, harassed you, controlled you, and lied about you to others."
"Why would you divulge where you will be living and what you will be doing?"
"After years of her abusive behavior, do you think she has changed?"
"Do you think your dad would suddenly switch to supporting you and not her?"
"Imagine if she calls the police in your new area, tracks down your employer or landlord, and tells lies (you're a sex worker, a drug dealer, etc.)."
"You need to protect yourself and your future."
"Don't invite your abuser back into your life!" ~ Necessary_Ad_9012
"NTA. I'm much older than you."
"My father is in his 90s, and I can tell you with 100% certainty, he will never change, and neither will she."
"The earlier you decide not to live your life considering him, that he never bothered to give you, the better off you will be."
"Just watch and make sure that you don't repeat those patterns in your own relationships."
"We tend to gravitate to what we know."
"Good luck." ~ CholaSoy
"NTA - you dont owe your Dad or Betty anything."
"Are you actually still in contact with them and, maybe more importantly, do you want to be?"
"If you answer that you would like to be, then have a conversation with them; if you don't want to be, then don't."
"If you were being called a wh*re for working, imagine what you will be called for moving away with your boyfriend!"
"Why create the drama of telling them and them trying to make you feel awful about it when you dont need to."
"As you said, move forward with your life on your terms and keep up your relationship with your Mum." ~ These-Argument-5348
"NTA in any way, shape, or form."
"Firstly, absolutely do not tell your father or Betty."
"They will simply renew attempts to guilt trip and control you."
"You know in your gut who they are and how they will behave; they’ve been proving that for years."
"There’s just a piece of your heart wishing they were different that’s making you doubt yourself."
"Your boyfriend is worrying me too, since he apparently doesn’t understand or believe the level of abuse you went through."
"And is seeding that doubt in you."
"Please think hard before moving away with him."
"Finally, why did your mother not have any custody rights?"
"This is said with care, but I worry you have had nobody really solid and trustworthy to guide you into adulthood, and it’s very easy to make mistakes or trust the wrong person in that situation."
"Please learn about self-parenting, how to know what you want for yourself, how to process emotions, how to guide yourself, how to take real care of yourself."
"Find a good therapist when you can. "
"I’m not saying don’t move away, but make sure you’re doing it well and can find or establish safety and support."
"Good luck!" ~ gigantesghastly
"NTA. Does your boyfriend not believe you about how toxic your dad and stepmom are??"
"Wouldn’t they react horribly about you moving in with a boy?"
"Why keep in contact with your abusers???"
"Do talk to a professional about your childhood; hopefully your boyfriend doesn’t put you in danger by communicating with your dad." ~ cassowary32
"I am someone who values my own peace."
"In your shoes, I would have left earlier and cut all contact."
"Now that you are apart from them, I don't see the wisdom of informing them of anything."
"In fact, it gives them power that they should never have."
"Keep your peace."
"Betty and your dad, they don't deserve you."
"You, however, deserve a better life."
"A life without them. NTA."
"PS. Make sure your boyfriend doesn't tell them behind your back, though."
"I remember reading a story on Reddit about that, some kind of validation thing."
"He needs to be on your side on this; drop him if he breaks your trust." ~ asiangontear
"If you want to let them know, wait until after you’ve moved and then get a post office box or just give an email address."
"Also completely fine if you want to skip all that and not communicate with them."
"Maybe spend some time with a therapist to unpack this history and come to terms with it."
"Good luck!" ~ Equivalent_Reason894
"To be quite honest, I would not tell them a damn thing in regard to your life."
"The way they treated you, they don’t deserve to know."
"You got away from their controlling craziness; enjoy your freedom and don’t look back. NTA." ~ Livinthedream71
Reddit has your back, OP.
You have to put your own well-being first.
This is your life, and you get to live it on your own terms.
Enjoy yourself, and good luck.
