While it's unkind to suggest that a stepparent is "evil" or "wicked," sometimes they live up to the name a little more than we would like to admit.
And inconveniencing their stepchildren for the sake of their biological children's convenience definitely falls into that category, cringed the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Jimverseen felt increasingly concerned as his wife continued to push for information about his biological son's financial inheritance that he received from his late mother, who tragically passed away.
When she continued to push the issue and even suggested that the Original Poster (OP) didn't trust her or love his stepchildren as much as his biological son, he began to see warning signs in their relationship.
He asked the sub:
"AITAH because I won't tell my wife what my son, her stepson, has in savings from my late wife, his late biological mother?"
The OP shared a blended family with his second wife.
"My wife (40s Female) and I (40s Male) have a blended family.
I have a 16-year-old son with my late wife. My wife has a 13-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son with her ex-husband, and they share custody. We also have a four-year-old and two-year-old together."
Through it all, the OP kept a promise to his late wife regarding their son.
"When my late wife was sick, she told me she wanted a percentage of the compensation she was issued for her medical misdiagnosis to go to our son's savings. She also had a second savings account she wanted to add to it."
"This was on top of what the two of us had saved for him before her illness."
"I honored her wishes, and I continued saving for our son's future. This is a promise I made to my late wife that I have stood by."
"I also promised I would protect it and make sure it was only ever for him, nobody else."
The OP was also transparent with his second wife about the account he kept for his son.
"When my present wife and I started seriously dating, we talked about what saving money would look like for our kids if and when we married."
"She knew I had always saved, as had my late wife."
"We didn't discuss how much either of us had saved for our existing kids, but we agreed to an amount every month that would be saved for all three, and this was talked about again when we had children together."
Unfortunately for the OP's wife, her ex-husband wasn't as forthcoming about saving money.
"Recently, there has been a lot of stress and financial burden on my wife."
"Her ex has refused to discuss my stepkids' savings and if he will pay anything or not."
"She also feels like we haven't been able to save enough every month, like we both originally promised, because it has just been one expensive need after another. There have been months where we've missed because of things beyond our control, like things breaking, etc."
When his wife wanted to discuss finances, the OP was open about everything except his late wife's contributions.
"A few weeks ago, my wife told me we should put all the cards on the table and discuss what all five kids have and decide how we proceed with making sure everyone gets what they need for the future."
"I told her I would happily discuss what I have saved for my oldest, but I would not be discussing the money left by his mom."
"She pushed back on it and said all the money should be taken into consideration."
"I told her we don't know what all the money is. I said our parents could be saving money for the kids' futures, her ex could have money for my stepkids, and his parents could have money for my stepkids."
"We can't say for certain what everyone will have at the end, and it's only fair to discuss what she and I have saved and what we can realistically save in the future."
The OP's wife continued to push for more information.
"She told me it sounds like I don't trust her."
"I responded by asking why she wanted to know this so badly. By only talking about what we've saved, we're on an even footing."
"She told me that if we knew everything, we could focus on giving the kids who would have less money a little more to balance out their accounts. She pointed out that our younger two are probably going to be the worst off long-term, and she would be open to combining all the money and dividing it evenly among the five of them."
"I told her I was not on board with that, and what my son has from his mom is not going to be shared or used for any of the other kids, per my late wife."
The OP stood firm on his decision to honor his late wife's wishes.
"We argued about it, but I refused to say."
"She feels like that's wrong when we're married."
"I told her it's not my money, nor is it her money, or money that we can or should be accessing. It's from my late wife to our son, and that's all there is to it."
"My wife said she feels like I'm keeping her in the dark and not trusting her with something important. She said it cuts her ability to fully engage in conversations we need to be able to have and decisions we need to make as a couple."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that this money was for the OP's son from his late mother, end stop.
"NTA. Honestly, I would come back to the conversation after some time to address why her suggestion is a complete non-starter."
"I would frame it rather simply: the financial gift left to your son from the tragic death of his mother isn't yours to give away. To hold this gift against him when it comes to financial planning is a non-starter."
"If your stepkid's father died tomorrow, that money would go to your stepkids and not your shared children or your son. And that's proper."
"The realities of a blended family are that they will have different things and opportunities available to them because they have a shared and non-shared family. The only thing you folks can do is be fair and equal to your kids. Any attempt at equity amongst them from you will end in disaster, in my honest opinion."
"If she doesn't get it after this, you may need to ask yourself why her ex refuses to discuss their kids' finances. And I'd take a real hard look at my partner." - Postnumeral
"You are 100% not the a**hole. That is your son's money, from his mother that he lost. She is no longer around to contribute, and not only that, it's not fair to take from him because there have been a few hard years for the younger kids."
"That's his money for his future. It is off limits, so there is no reason to discuss what is there. If you decide to continue adding to it when you add to the other kids, after all, he is still your son, then that's your choice, but it's not hers to take."
"Your kids are young, and you have plenty of time to keep saving for them." - Pretend_Newt_5384
"You are correct, it is absolutely none of her business. She's trying to get his money from you before he turns 18, and I'm worried that if that doesn't work, she will eventually try to guilt him into getting it from him directly."
"You have two, five, six, fourteen, and sixteen years until each kid goes to college, and you don't know that the future holds, so I don't know how she'd figure out what's 'fair' to her."
"Of course, there are going to be tough months that you can't save, but there are probably other times that you can add more than planned, and there are millions of people who have had to get student loans, and they have survived." - Holiday_Hunter3691
"Please put it this way to your wife, OP, and how she responds will speak VOLUMES about who she is as a person, who she is as a mother, and how she views your first son."
"This is your son's money from his LATE mother. Full stop, end of story."
"Know why? Because four out of five of your SHARED children have two LIVING parents."
"This other account is ALL of the money that he will EVER receive from his mother."
"Your other four children? They will continue to receive money from the two of you for the rest of your lives."
"Your late wife's giving time is up. This is all the money, all the gifts, all the memories, he will ever receive from her, and they are finite."
"It sounds to me like your wife doesn't understand fairness, kindness, or empathy. But she has a solid grasp on greed. NTA." - Bitter_Applesauce1425
"OP, you are NTA, but you need to nip this in the bud."
"You've already been transparent about the joint finances. You offered to discuss what you have saved and what you and your current wife contribute together. That's full transparency regarding shared financial planning."
"The only thing you've chosen not to disclose is money that doesn't belong in the marital equation. That's a fair and important distinction."
"It honestly sounds to me like your wife has it in her head that he has a MASSIVE amount of money 'to himself' because of his late mother, and she wants to see as much of that be distributed to HER kids as possible, and she probably wants to cut off putting money into his account, either by a lot or entirely."
"I hate to go here, but he's her only not-biological child, after all... He might as well be Cinderfella." - EcstaticMolasses6647
Others agreed and did not like what these questions suggested about the OP's wife.
"NTA, and maybe you DON'T trust her now, because she is seeing your son's money as something that can be reduced so that everyone else gets a 'fair share.'"
"That money is not to bail out household expenses and is not something to benefit the other kids. The fact that she's pushing on this is immoral." - StraightJacketRacket
"NTA. Your grave-robbing wife sees your motherless son as an impediment to HER children's comfort. It's mighty convenient that her two children's money won't be redistributed. Do with that information what you'd like..." - donttouchmeah
"My uncle took the money left to his children after my aunt's passing, which she specifically left for her children."
"Now none of them speak to him. All three kids will never speak to their father again. He's a pariah, not allowed at family functions, and not allowed to see his grandchildren."
"All he has is his nagging wife. No family. Her children barely speak to them as well. Hope it was worth it."
"Stick to your morals, OP. NTA." - RoxyPonderosa
"The whole putting cards on the table and not being able to engage in discussions full sounds like a whole lot of bulls**t, full stop. NTA."
"She just found out it might be quite the amount and now is trying to profit off of that by giving ridiculous reasons she conjured up to try and get some of that money so she can somehow 'better distribute it.'"
"Sounds like she is just acting a bit greedy, after all, all children are being saved for already, and what the late wife decided to leave her son is really not part of that discussion." - ottonormalverraucher
"It's disgusting how often this happens. Good on OP for actually respecting his late wife and their child. That money is the only gift his dead mother will ever be able to give him. Absolutely no one else is entitled to receive that gift, because they haven't had to suffer the loss of a dead parent. Some money is a poor reward for that loss."
"Also, there doesn't need to be any issue with the other kids feeling resentful, because the other kids will only know about a disparity in funds if someone tells them. If everyone keeps their mouth shut, it need never be a problem." - nightcana
While the subReddit could understand the desire for financial security for their children in the future, everyone agreed that there needed to be boundaries, especially where the OP's late wife's funds were concerned.
Per her wishes, that money was for her son whom she would never get to create more memories with or financially support again, and any other arrangement would be disrespectful to her memory and to her relationship with her son.
If the OP's wife really wanted to question that, he might want to watch out for more warning signs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp