While it’s unkind to suggest that a stepparent is “evil” or “wicked,” sometimes they live up to the name a little more than we would like to admit.
And inconveniencing their stepchildren for the sake of their biological children’s convenience definitely falls into that category, cringed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Jimverseen felt increasingly concerned as his wife continued to push for information about his biological son’s financial inheritance that he received from his late mother, who tragically passed away.
When she continued to push the issue and even suggested that the Original Poster (OP) didn’t trust her or love his stepchildren as much as his biological son, he began to see warning signs in their relationship.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH because I won’t tell my wife what my son, her stepson, has in savings from my late wife, his late biological mother?”
The OP shared a blended family with his second wife.
“My wife (40s Female) and I (40s Male) have a blended family.
I have a 16-year-old son with my late wife. My wife has a 13-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son with her ex-husband, and they share custody. We also have a four-year-old and two-year-old together.”
Through it all, the OP kept a promise to his late wife regarding their son.
“When my late wife was sick, she told me she wanted a percentage of the compensation she was issued for her medical misdiagnosis to go to our son’s savings. She also had a second savings account she wanted to add to it.”
“This was on top of what the two of us had saved for him before her illness.”
“I honored her wishes, and I continued saving for our son’s future. This is a promise I made to my late wife that I have stood by.”
“I also promised I would protect it and make sure it was only ever for him, nobody else.”
The OP was also transparent with his second wife about the account he kept for his son.
“When my present wife and I started seriously dating, we talked about what saving money would look like for our kids if and when we married.”
“She knew I had always saved, as had my late wife.”
“We didn’t discuss how much either of us had saved for our existing kids, but we agreed to an amount every month that would be saved for all three, and this was talked about again when we had children together.”
Unfortunately for the OP’s wife, her ex-husband wasn’t as forthcoming about saving money.
“Recently, there has been a lot of stress and financial burden on my wife.”
“Her ex has refused to discuss my stepkids’ savings and if he will pay anything or not.”
“She also feels like we haven’t been able to save enough every month, like we both originally promised, because it has just been one expensive need after another. There have been months where we’ve missed because of things beyond our control, like things breaking, etc.”
When his wife wanted to discuss finances, the OP was open about everything except his late wife’s contributions.
“A few weeks ago, my wife told me we should put all the cards on the table and discuss what all five kids have and decide how we proceed with making sure everyone gets what they need for the future.”
“I told her I would happily discuss what I have saved for my oldest, but I would not be discussing the money left by his mom.”
“She pushed back on it and said all the money should be taken into consideration.”
“I told her we don’t know what all the money is. I said our parents could be saving money for the kids’ futures, her ex could have money for my stepkids, and his parents could have money for my stepkids.”
“We can’t say for certain what everyone will have at the end, and it’s only fair to discuss what she and I have saved and what we can realistically save in the future.”
The OP’s wife continued to push for more information.
“She told me it sounds like I don’t trust her.”
“I responded by asking why she wanted to know this so badly. By only talking about what we’ve saved, we’re on an even footing.”
“She told me that if we knew everything, we could focus on giving the kids who would have less money a little more to balance out their accounts. She pointed out that our younger two are probably going to be the worst off long-term, and she would be open to combining all the money and dividing it evenly among the five of them.”
“I told her I was not on board with that, and what my son has from his mom is not going to be shared or used for any of the other kids, per my late wife.”
The OP stood firm on his decision to honor his late wife’s wishes.
“We argued about it, but I refused to say.”
“She feels like that’s wrong when we’re married.”
“I told her it’s not my money, nor is it her money, or money that we can or should be accessing. It’s from my late wife to our son, and that’s all there is to it.”
“My wife said she feels like I’m keeping her in the dark and not trusting her with something important. She said it cuts her ability to fully engage in conversations we need to be able to have and decisions we need to make as a couple.”
“AITAH?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some pointed out that this money was for the OP’s son from his late mother, end stop.
“NTA. Honestly, I would come back to the conversation after some time to address why her suggestion is a complete non-starter.”
“I would frame it rather simply: the financial gift left to your son from the tragic death of his mother isn’t yours to give away. To hold this gift against him when it comes to financial planning is a non-starter.”
“If your stepkid’s father died tomorrow, that money would go to your stepkids and not your shared children or your son. And that’s proper.”
“The realities of a blended family are that they will have different things and opportunities available to them because they have a shared and non-shared family. The only thing you folks can do is be fair and equal to your kids. Any attempt at equity amongst them from you will end in disaster, in my honest opinion.”
“If she doesn’t get it after this, you may need to ask yourself why her ex refuses to discuss their kids’ finances. And I’d take a real hard look at my partner.” – Postnumeral
“You are 100% not the a**hole. That is your son’s money, from his mother that he lost. She is no longer around to contribute, and not only that, it’s not fair to take from him because there have been a few hard years for the younger kids.”
“That’s his money for his future. It is off limits, so there is no reason to discuss what is there. If you decide to continue adding to it when you add to the other kids, after all, he is still your son, then that’s your choice, but it’s not hers to take.”
“Your kids are young, and you have plenty of time to keep saving for them.” – Pretend_Newt_5384
“You are correct, it is absolutely none of her business. She’s trying to get his money from you before he turns 18, and I’m worried that if that doesn’t work, she will eventually try to guilt him into getting it from him directly.”
“You have two, five, six, fourteen, and sixteen years until each kid goes to college, and you don’t know that the future holds, so I don’t know how she’d figure out what’s ‘fair’ to her.”
“Of course, there are going to be tough months that you can’t save, but there are probably other times that you can add more than planned, and there are millions of people who have had to get student loans, and they have survived.” – Holiday_Hunter3691
“Please put it this way to your wife, OP, and how she responds will speak VOLUMES about who she is as a person, who she is as a mother, and how she views your first son.”
“This is your son’s money from his LATE mother. Full stop, end of story.”
“Know why? Because four out of five of your SHARED children have two LIVING parents.”
“This other account is ALL of the money that he will EVER receive from his mother.”
“Your other four children? They will continue to receive money from the two of you for the rest of your lives.”
“Your late wife’s giving time is up. This is all the money, all the gifts, all the memories, he will ever receive from her, and they are finite.”
“It sounds to me like your wife doesn’t understand fairness, kindness, or empathy. But she has a solid grasp on greed. NTA.” – Bitter_Applesauce1425
“OP, you are NTA, but you need to nip this in the bud.”
“You’ve already been transparent about the joint finances. You offered to discuss what you have saved and what you and your current wife contribute together. That’s full transparency regarding shared financial planning.”
“The only thing you’ve chosen not to disclose is money that doesn’t belong in the marital equation. That’s a fair and important distinction.”
“It honestly sounds to me like your wife has it in her head that he has a MASSIVE amount of money ‘to himself’ because of his late mother, and she wants to see as much of that be distributed to HER kids as possible, and she probably wants to cut off putting money into his account, either by a lot or entirely.”
“I hate to go here, but he’s her only not-biological child, after all… He might as well be Cinderfella.” – EcstaticMolasses6647
Others agreed and did not like what these questions suggested about the OP’s wife.
“NTA, and maybe you DON’T trust her now, because she is seeing your son’s money as something that can be reduced so that everyone else gets a ‘fair share.'”
“That money is not to bail out household expenses and is not something to benefit the other kids. The fact that she’s pushing on this is immoral.” – StraightJacketRacket
“NTA. Your grave-robbing wife sees your motherless son as an impediment to HER children’s comfort. It’s mighty convenient that her two children’s money won’t be redistributed. Do with that information what you’d like…” – donttouchmeah
“My uncle took the money left to his children after my aunt’s passing, which she specifically left for her children.”
“Now none of them speak to him. All three kids will never speak to their father again. He’s a pariah, not allowed at family functions, and not allowed to see his grandchildren.”
“All he has is his nagging wife. No family. Her children barely speak to them as well. Hope it was worth it.”
“Stick to your morals, OP. NTA.” – RoxyPonderosa
“The whole putting cards on the table and not being able to engage in discussions full sounds like a whole lot of bulls**t, full stop. NTA.”
“She just found out it might be quite the amount and now is trying to profit off of that by giving ridiculous reasons she conjured up to try and get some of that money so she can somehow ‘better distribute it.'”
“Sounds like she is just acting a bit greedy, after all, all children are being saved for already, and what the late wife decided to leave her son is really not part of that discussion.” – ottonormalverraucher
“It’s disgusting how often this happens. Good on OP for actually respecting his late wife and their child. That money is the only gift his dead mother will ever be able to give him. Absolutely no one else is entitled to receive that gift, because they haven’t had to suffer the loss of a dead parent. Some money is a poor reward for that loss.”
“Also, there doesn’t need to be any issue with the other kids feeling resentful, because the other kids will only know about a disparity in funds if someone tells them. If everyone keeps their mouth shut, it need never be a problem.” – nightcana
While the subReddit could understand the desire for financial security for their children in the future, everyone agreed that there needed to be boundaries, especially where the OP’s late wife’s funds were concerned.
Per her wishes, that money was for her son whom she would never get to create more memories with or financially support again, and any other arrangement would be disrespectful to her memory and to her relationship with her son.
If the OP’s wife really wanted to question that, he might want to watch out for more warning signs.