Family relationships after divorce can be complicated.
But sometimes parents and stepparents can do all the right things and still not have a good relationship with their child.
A stepmother with a poor relationship with their stepdaughter turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Otherwise-Love-6687 asked:
“WIBTA for canceling the baby shower after not being told about the wedding?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My stepdaughter, 22 is pregnant with her first baby, a boy. She and her now husband just got married 2 days ago.”
“This is the issue. These 2 have been a lot. House hopping, couch surfing and on state aide, mainly because this guy will not get a job beyond gig services (Doordash, etc…).”
“We (her dad and I) have had to give them money and groceries numerous times, up to the point where we eventually had to tell them we can’t support 2 households. We saw on social media 2 days ago, they got married.”
“Apparently his mom put stuff together. Her dad got no messages, calls or anything. She had no one in her family there. Just his.”
“We don’t know how many, we were only shown 2 photos. And no one in her family was there, or told until after.”
“The hardest part is there is an open line of communication here. We are not estranged despite some issues we’ve discussed with her.”
“We talk daily, even with me giving her pregnancy advice. I’d understand if we were estranged from her. But we just aren’t.”
“We did speak and she claims it was rushed and not planned. But wedding rings, a professional photographer and a tailored wedding dress she says she didn’t have a month ago says differently.”
“Also, his mom had us on her social media and she has my phone number.”
“We did ask my stepdaughter why, but got no response. Just that she doesn’t think its a big deal.”
“I think to a point that they find it funny. It may be a control issue.”
“It was weird. She swears it was an unplanned spur of the moment thing, but there were many, many signs it was planned well in advance.”
“This whole situation is messed up. She said she didn’t even have time to call anyone.”
“For us, if she didn’t want us there, no problem. But her dad shouldn’t have found out on social media. Her entire family was not told.”
“Now. Here’s where I may the a**hole. It’s been expected that I have a baby shower for her. I had everything planned and purchased.”
“But, I feel like, if even her dad isn’t good enough to even be told his child was getting married, then my money is not good enough for this party.”
“My husband, my family and my mother-in-law are telling me to just cancel it.”
“WIBTA if I canceled the shower?“
The OP summed up their situation.
“I may the a**hole here because, yes, no one is entitled to an invite to a wedding. But, my husband is hurt he didn’t even get a phone call.”
“Not even a message until photos were posted on social media. Why do I have to spend my hard earned time and money for you, when you and your new spouse have no consideration for your parents?”
“Not even her biological mother knew. It was just his family.”
“We have supported her in various ways through the years, but this is a lot to digest.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP would not be the a**hole (YWNBTA/NTA) if they cancel the baby shower.
“YWNBTA. It sucks when something is expected from you—and not just like being a parent when you signed up for it when you had kids—but in cases like this where it’s on you to throw a baby shower and then not even invited to the wedding.”
“Cause it’s odd as hell that he is the only one who had his family members there and she didn’t.”
“Me personally? I am very close with my family and I would never get married without them there and if it was even suggested? I’d leave the person so fast.”
“Like was it something that she didn’t want family of hers there or he only wanted his family there and sprung the wedding on her to make sure that happened? It’s just weird to me.” ~ singyoulikeasong
“Even on those ridiculously silly reality TV shows, weddings take a week to get sorted. They had time to tell you and chose not to. NTA.” ~ fishfountain
“I once threw a wedding party together in less than 24 hours for a friend. This was before smartphones and texting, but EVERYONE was notified and invited to my little apartment for cake and champagne after the court house ceremony.”
“OP and her husband were deliberately excluded.” ~ StrangeDaisy2017
“I hate when people use the ‘spur of the moment’ excuse for not inviting someone to a gathering like this.”
“Because they managed to invite and gather OTHER people spur of the moment, how is it they couldn’t manage the 2 seconds it would take to add OP and her husband to the group text letting people know they’re about to have a wedding in 20 minutes, or whatever bullsh*t timeframe she provided?”
“My aunt once held a baby shower for a friend’s daughter, who then had a wedding she didn’t invite my aunt to. She claimed it was ‘last minute’.”
“You know what? Even IF you tripped across a minister and decided ‘what the hell, lets get married RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW’? Just send a heads up saying ‘I’m getting married in two nanoseconds, I would love it if you could join us’.”
“Otherwise have the decency to be honest and say you didn’t particularly want them there.” ~ midnightsunofabitch
“Even if it was stepdaughter’s boyfriend deciding to surprise stepdaughter with a proposal and a wedding all in one and for whatever reasons he didn’t invite her family—I’m sure they have phones.”
“They could have called and/or included people via video.” ~ rak1882
“My husband and I planned our wedding in two weeks.”
“In two weeks we also managed to get international flights for two (his parents), domestic flights for two others (my mom and his brother), a dress for me, bouquet and boutonnière (awesome silk flower shop near us did a wonderful job!), found an officiant (not hard since I work in ministry), and even managed to snag a photographer who had a cancelation!”
“OP’s step-daughter had time to call her family but chose not to.” ~ PracticalLady18
“Even if you were walking by the court house and say ‘let’s do it right now’ no discussion before hand, it’s likely that you will have some wait time enough to make a phone call or two.”
“Even if they took you right then and there and it was all over in less than 10minutes from decision to signature, you can call after.”
“OP and husband learned about it through social media days later. There’s no excuse for that.” ~ Exciting-Froyo3825
“If his side of the family can pull off an ‘unplanned, spur of the moment’ wedding, pretty sure they can do the same thing for a baby shower.”
“Wish them well and wash your hands of it.” ~ WanderGoldfinch
“The idea of coming to the parents for help again and again, but not for the wedding is just appalling. Dunno how enthusiastic OP is about them getting married at all, but given the information provided, NTA!” ~ MystifiedByPeople
“OP’s stepdaughter sounds like what my aunt likes to call a ‘bird’—a young woman with more hair than sense.”
“Her new husband’s family sounds extremely controlling. Who throws together a wedding and only invites their side of the family?”
“And who thinks getting married with only one side of the family there ‘isn’t a big deal’‽‽”
“I don’t know what to make of it. All I know for sure is OP should cancel the baby shower and tell her stepdaughter she didn’t think it was ‘a big deal’.”
“I get that it may ‘escalate’ the situation, but this is a grown woman and her behavior towards her father was extremely hurtful. Perhaps someone on her husband’s side can throw her a baby shower, given they were the only ones permitted at the wedding.” ~ midnightsunofabitch
“Finding that out on social media would be an absolute gut punch.”
“Based on that? I would say NTA and cancel the baby shower. But tell her very clearly why you are doing it.”
“That despite you guys supporting her and her husband for so long that she feels it was OK to act like you aren’t her family. So why should you keep supporting and doing things for her?”
“It’s not a thing of being vindictive. It’s that they deeply hurt you and your husband.” ~ I_Will_in_Me_Hole
“To me it sounds like she was punishing you and her dad for saying you’re not funding them anymore—which is ridiculous because they’re grown ups and need to fund themselves, especially with a baby coming! NTA.” ~ Proud_Fee_1542
While the OP provided no update with their final decision, at least they know no one online would blame them if they decide to cancel.