When we find out a friend or family member is struggling and needs help, our first inclination is generally to lend a hand.
However, sometimes these loved ones need more help than we are able to provide.
In some even more unfortunate cases, sometimes the best way we can provide help is by not offering any help at all.
The brother of Redditor trovquaza recently found himself in a bad situation, and reached out to the original poster (OP) for help.
Thankfully, the OP was in a financial situation where they could afford to provide the help their brother was asking for.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time the OP's brother had gotten himself into this sort of trouble.
Resulting in the OP refusing to lend a hand.
After being chastised by their family for this decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to give my brother money for a defense lawyer even though I can afford it?"
The OP explained why they responded to their brother with deaf ears:
"I am 35 years old, I work as a chief manager at a large financial firm."
"In the past I didn't earn much, my brother and I rented an apartment together and split the rent equally."
"Then I had to cut my expenses heavily, because my brother changed his lifestyle."
"He started drinking heavily, doing drugs and stealing things from people."
"He stopped paying his share of the rent, so I had to cover for him."
"My personal belongings also started disappearing from our apartment, so I decided to move out."
'It was financially difficult for me, but I managed."
"My brother got offended, said that people do not treat relatives like this, and he did not speak to me for four years, even though I tried to text him."
"Recently he and my mother started calling and texting me."
"My brother tried to rob a store, now he faces several years in prison, and he needs money for a good defense lawyer."
"I have this money, but I refused."
"I understand that this will not change anything, and I do not want to spend funds on a person who abandoned me for four years."
"Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me, they say that I am acting inhumanly and betraying the family, since I have the money, but I don't want to help."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the. a**Hole for refusing to pay for their brother's defense lawyer.
Everyone agreed that the OP was, in fact, helping their brother by not covering the costs of a defense lawyer, feeling that the only way he will end this unfortunate pattern is by facing consequences for his actions:
"NTA."
"Clearly and explicitly tell your parents that your brother cut off contact with you because you refused to fund his downward spiral and be stolen from."
"Your brother, no matter his needs, is not entitled to the help and support of family until he makes amends for past wrongs."
"Why would you even want to help him avoid the consequences of his increasingly bad choices as one of the earliest victims?"-DasBoomer
"NTA."
"Actions have consequences and he needs to face them."- Odd-Conversation3860
"NOPE!"
"It is best for your brother to have to suffer the consequences of his illegal actions and your parents can find a way to finance his lawyer if they want to."
"Hint: They don't want to either which is why they are now pressuring you to fork over your money."
"Also, don't tell them anything about your finances from now on."
"As far as they are concerned, you have NO spare money, you have a lot of your own bills to pay, etc."
"Last, if you allow yourself to get guilt tripped into covering his lawyer then realize that you will NEVER see that money again."
"NTA."- DazzlingPotion
"NTA."
"He’s gotta deal with the consequences of his actions and maybe it’ll help him turn his life around."- NightOwlPA
"NTA."
"A good defense lawyer is not going to help an addict nor a felon."
"Your brother's best chance here is to serve time in jail/prison and hopefully get clean."
"It is up to him entirely, but if he is robbing places then he has probably made his decision already."
"It is solely on the addict to want to change."
"You can't really blame your mom as it's in her blood too not make the hard choice for her baby."
"There is nothing wrong with you or her caring about him, but it will not help him."- HousingOk6362
"NTA."
"'Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me'."
"Then they can pay for it."
"He left you with his share of rent to pay."
"He stole from you."
"He ignored your texts and left you on read for four years."
"No need to justify any of this to anyone."
"You could pay $10k to save him from prison time, but he could skip parole or slip up again and be in the same spot."
"He needs to man up by himself."
"Doesn't matter if you make $50k or $500k a year."
"'...said that people do not treat relatives like this'."
"He's right."
"Doesn't sound like any brother to me."
"I think I'd send him a postcard from some far away land and say 'greetings from Bahamas' even if you don't go."- IndubitablEV
"NTA x 1,000!!!! DO NOT give him money!"
"No matter how much you do, he will still want more."
"It will never end and he will always be the 'victim'."- RepulsiveComfort1888
"NTA."
"Your brother needs the wake up call."
"You might want to reevaluate your relationship with him and your parents and consider LC/NC."- Desperate_Net3878
"NTA!"
"I have a brother who has been addicted to drugs for 20 years."
"The more you give the more they take and they'll never learn the consequences of their actions."
"The best thing you can do for your future and his future is to not lend him a cent."- Charming-Tadpole-536
"NTA he robbed the store."
"He will be assigned a public defender."- Lovebeingadad54321
"NTA."
"People that steal from me are not family."- One-Beach6730
"NTA."
"You're not responsible for your brother."
"Anyone judging you is free to donate their resources."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"Your brother sounds like a real piece of work."
"I would go no contact with him, or rather continue the no contact thing."- ImportantBuilder9294
"NTA."
"Your parents can flush their own money down the toilet."
"You don’t owe him sh*t."
"Let’s make a list: Your brother is a drug addict."
"He stole from you."
"You had to pay his portion of the rent."
"Then he stopped speaking to you for four years because he was offended that you wouldn’t allow him to steal from you, pay his rent and treat you like sh*t."
"Your parents can spend their money, mortgage their house if they own, drain their savings and retirement to pay for a lawyer."
"Do not JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain."
"Do not allow them to guilt or manipulate you."
"Anytime they bring it up leave, hang up or stop responding."- Ok_Tonight_3703
"NTA."
"That sounds like a him problem."
"There's no reason why you should spare a moments thought, he screwed up, he gets the consequences."- Mira_DFalco
"NTA."
"Bro can get a public defender assuming he's in the US."- slash_networkboy
"NTA."
"He's entitled to a public defender, and public defenders are often good lawyers."
"They are not bargain bin lawyers or anything like that; they are mostly lawyers that either want to make a real difference, or that are working for the state for a nice federal loan repayment deal for their expensive loans."
"But more than that, and something your family doesn't understand, is that (in most instances) the difference between having a lawyer and not having a lawyer is HUGE, but the difference between having an okay lawyer and a great lawyer is not as big of a deal as people think it is."
"Depending on the evidence, no amount of money spent on a lawyer is going to change the fact that he tried to rob a store."
"Your money isn't going to buy him anything he won't likely also get from a public defender."- GeneStarwind1
"Treat him the way he treated you for the past four years."
"Go no contact."
"NTA."- ParticularAd1735
Even with a good defense lawyer, there's still a good chance the OP's brother could end up in jail.
And chances are, he would blame the OP for that, even after they helped him out.
Ultimately, time heals everything, and down the line, the OP's family will likely realize that they did the "humane" thing by not paying for their brother's lawyer.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.