When we find out a friend or family member is struggling and needs help, our first inclination is generally to lend a hand.
However, sometimes these loved ones need more help than we are able to provide.
In some even more unfortunate cases, sometimes the best way we can provide help is by not offering any help at all.
The brother of Redditor trovquaza recently found himself in a bad situation, and reached out to the original poster (OP) for help.
Thankfully, the OP was in a financial situation where they could afford to provide the help their brother was asking for.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time the OP's brother had gotten himself into this sort of trouble.
Resulting in the OP refusing to lend a hand.
After being chastised by their family for this decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to give my brother money for a defense lawyer even though I can afford it?"
The OP explained why they responded to their brother with deaf ears:
"I am 35 years old, I work as a chief manager at a large financial firm."
"In the past I didn't earn much, my brother and I rented an apartment together and split the rent equally."
"Then I had to cut my expenses heavily, because my brother changed his lifestyle."
"He started drinking heavily, doing drugs and stealing things from people."
"He stopped paying his share of the rent, so I had to cover for him."
"My personal belongings also started disappearing from our apartment, so I decided to move out."
'It was financially difficult for me, but I managed."
"My brother got offended, said that people do not treat relatives like this, and he did not speak to me for four years, even though I tried to text him."
"Recently he and my mother started calling and texting me."
"My brother tried to rob a store, now he faces several years in prison, and he needs money for a good defense lawyer."
"I have this money, but I refused."
"I understand that this will not change anything, and I do not want to spend funds on a person who abandoned me for four years."
"Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me, they say that I am acting inhumanly and betraying the family, since I have the money, but I don't want to help."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the. a**Hole for refusing to pay for their brother's defense lawyer.
Everyone agreed that the OP was, in fact, helping their brother by not covering the costs of a defense lawyer, feeling that the only way he will end this unfortunate pattern is by facing consequences for his actions:
"NTA."
"Clearly and explicitly tell your parents that your brother cut off contact with you because you refused to fund his downward spiral and be stolen from."
"Your brother, no matter his needs, is not entitled to the help and support of family until he makes amends for past wrongs."
"Why would you even want to help him avoid the consequences of his increasingly bad choices as one of the earliest victims?"-DasBoomer
"NTA."
"Actions have consequences and he needs to face them."- Odd-Conversation3860
"NOPE!"
"It is best for your brother to have to suffer the consequences of his illegal actions and your parents can find a way to finance his lawyer if they want to."
"Hint: They don't want to either which is why they are now pressuring you to fork over your money."
"Also, don't tell them anything about your finances from now on."
"As far as they are concerned, you have NO spare money, you have a lot of your own bills to pay, etc."
"Last, if you allow yourself to get guilt tripped into covering his lawyer then realize that you will NEVER see that money again."
"NTA."- DazzlingPotion
"NTA."
"He’s gotta deal with the consequences of his actions and maybe it’ll help him turn his life around."- NightOwlPA
"NTA."
"A good defense lawyer is not going to help an addict nor a felon."
"Your brother's best chance here is to serve time in jail/prison and hopefully get clean."
"It is up to him entirely, but if he is robbing places then he has probably made his decision already."
"It is solely on the addict to want to change."
"You can't really blame your mom as it's in her blood too not make the hard choice for her baby."
"There is nothing wrong with you or her caring about him, but it will not help him."- HousingOk6362
"NTA."
"'Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me'."
"Then they can pay for it."
"He left you with his share of rent to pay."
"He stole from you."
"He ignored your texts and left you on read for four years."
"No need to justify any of this to anyone."
"You could pay $10k to save him from prison time, but he could skip parole or slip up again and be in the same spot."
"He needs to man up by himself."
"Doesn't matter if you make $50k or $500k a year."
"'...said that people do not treat relatives like this'."
"He's right."
"Doesn't sound like any brother to me."
"I think I'd send him a postcard from some far away land and say 'greetings from Bahamas' even if you don't go."- IndubitablEV
"NTA x 1,000!!!! DO NOT give him money!"
"No matter how much you do, he will still want more."
"It will never end and he will always be the 'victim'."- RepulsiveComfort1888
"NTA."
"Your brother needs the wake up call."
"You might want to reevaluate your relationship with him and your parents and consider LC/NC."- Desperate_Net3878
"NTA!"
"I have a brother who has been addicted to drugs for 20 years."
"The more you give the more they take and they'll never learn the consequences of their actions."
"The best thing you can do for your future and his future is to not lend him a cent."- Charming-Tadpole-536
"NTA he robbed the store."
"He will be assigned a public defender."- Lovebeingadad54321
"NTA."
"People that steal from me are not family."- One-Beach6730
"NTA."
"You're not responsible for your brother."
"Anyone judging you is free to donate their resources."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"Your brother sounds like a real piece of work."
"I would go no contact with him, or rather continue the no contact thing."- ImportantBuilder9294
"NTA."
"Your parents can flush their own money down the toilet."
"You don’t owe him sh*t."
"Let’s make a list: Your brother is a drug addict."
"He stole from you."
"You had to pay his portion of the rent."
"Then he stopped speaking to you for four years because he was offended that you wouldn’t allow him to steal from you, pay his rent and treat you like sh*t."
"Your parents can spend their money, mortgage their house if they own, drain their savings and retirement to pay for a lawyer."
"Do not JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain."
"Do not allow them to guilt or manipulate you."
"Anytime they bring it up leave, hang up or stop responding."- Ok_Tonight_3703
"NTA."
"That sounds like a him problem."
"There's no reason why you should spare a moments thought, he screwed up, he gets the consequences."- Mira_DFalco
"NTA."
"Bro can get a public defender assuming he's in the US."- slash_networkboy
"NTA."
"He's entitled to a public defender, and public defenders are often good lawyers."
"They are not bargain bin lawyers or anything like that; they are mostly lawyers that either want to make a real difference, or that are working for the state for a nice federal loan repayment deal for their expensive loans."
"But more than that, and something your family doesn't understand, is that (in most instances) the difference between having a lawyer and not having a lawyer is HUGE, but the difference between having an okay lawyer and a great lawyer is not as big of a deal as people think it is."
"Depending on the evidence, no amount of money spent on a lawyer is going to change the fact that he tried to rob a store."
"Your money isn't going to buy him anything he won't likely also get from a public defender."- GeneStarwind1
"Treat him the way he treated you for the past four years."
"Go no contact."
"NTA."- ParticularAd1735
Even with a good defense lawyer, there's still a good chance the OP's brother could end up in jail.
And chances are, he would blame the OP for that, even after they helped him out.
Ultimately, time heals everything, and down the line, the OP's family will likely realize that they did the "humane" thing by not paying for their brother's lawyer.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone
Fake people tend to show their true colors during pivotal moments, like weddings and major celebrations.
But when they want an audience to hurt someone else, it takes total sense that they would be called out in front of everyone, as agreed by members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor HollyyGinger went to their close friend's birthday party, expecting to have a good time and celebrate their loved one's special day.
But when their close friend made several mocking comments about them, and the party laughed along with them, the Original Poster (OP) took that as an indication of the state of their friendship and left the birthday party early.
They asked the sub:
The OP was excited to celebrate their close friend's birthday.
"One of my close friends had a birthday dinner last weekend, and I was genuinely excited to go."
"I helped her organize a few things beforehand, bought her a gift, and even rearranged some plans because I wanted to be there for her."
But the birthday dinner did not go at all how the OP expected.
"During dinner, though, she started making little jokes about me in front of everyone."
"At first, I laughed along because I didn't want to make things awkward on her birthday."
"But she kept going. She joked about dating life, brought up an embarrassing story I had told her privately, and made another comment about how I'm ''way too sensitive' sometimes."
"People were laughing, and I tried to act like it didn't bother me, but honestly, I felt pretty humiliated."
The OP tried to ask their friend to change the direction of the rest of the party.
"I quietly asked her when we were alone if she could stop making me the joke of the evening."
"She rolled her eyes and said I was taking everything too seriously and that everyone knew she was joking."
"I went back to the table for a while because I really didn't want to ruin her birthday."
"But then she made another joke about me, so I decided I'd had enough. I congratulated her again, said goodbye to everyone, and went home without making a scene."
The OP's friend tried to blame them for how the evening turned out.
"The next morning, she texted me, saying she was hurt that I left early and that several people noticed."
"She said that I made her feel like she had done something horrible when she was 'just having fun.' But her having fun was more of a public embarrassment to me."
"Now I feel guilty, because it was her birthday, and maybe I could have just ignored it for another hour or two."
"I wasn't trying to punish her or make the night about me. I just didn't want to sit there smiling while someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I had specifically asked her to stop."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that she didn't have to stay at a party where she didn't feel welcome.
"She was having fun. You were not having fun."
"You’re not overreacting. You told her it was hurting you, and she kept doing it because hurting you was entertaining for her. She is not a good friend." - Dunquinn-
"I remember when I was really little, a bunch of adults were laughing at me as I cried."
"I cried to my mom, 'Stop laughing at me,' to which she replied, 'We aren’t laughing at you; we're laughing with you,' while giggling."
"My response was something I stand by to this day: 'Then why am I the only one crying?!'"
"It’s only funny if the person who’s being teased is laughing too. You weren’t laughing. It wasn’t funny; it was cruel. NOR." - XSmartypants
"She’s a bully. It wasn’t 'more like 'it was publicly embarrassing. It WAS publicly embarrassing."
"Then she tells you that SHE is embarrassed because YOU left early. That's bulls**t."
"NOR. Drop her." - WTH_JFG
"NOR. They make jokes about someone's privacy to humiliate that person. Anyone who would use info that was shared in confidence to get a laugh is an abuser. You don't do that, especially to a close friend, without the intent to hurt that person." - BungenessKrabb
"Would it have been fun if you did the same? Start telling her darkest secrets?"
"She made you into a punchline for other people’s entertainment."
"You told her to stop, and she didn’t; now she’s the victim?"
"NOR."
"But also, some people need to feel it to believe it. I hope you go to the next gathering with a few stories of your own and don’t let her rewrite the narrative." - beached_not_broken
"I’ve had it happen by my 'best friend' at the time, only it was in a professional setting event. Very personal details only she knew, all spilled for her amusement, embarrassing me in front of colleagues."
"NOR, OP. As you did, I left the gathering earlier than expected. My 'friend' called the next day asking why I left so early. I told her what she had said and done and how humiliated I felt."
"Her 'apology' was that flippant version that shows no remorse, like, 'Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.'"
"Over the subsequent years, she managed to alienate and burn bridges with most of those same people we were gathered with."
"I’m sorry this happened to you, OP. Anyone who thinks you were 'too sensitive' has no empathy and 'friends' like that don’t deserve your time." - Hungry_Tank9182
"NOR. She was being a jerk to you, and she was expecting you to just take it and not say anything or defend yourself."
"Because they think it's sooo funny to mock others, but I bet if the roles were reversed, she would be offended and upset."
"Honestly, you deserve better friends. I'm sorry you had to deal with this."
"I would've left and blocked her." - Cryslove
Others urged the OP to stop thinking about the event and let that friendship go.
"That was the point of her fun! Humiliating you with an audience!"
"Sharing something deeply personal, told in confidence? Immediate dealbreaker."
"She is not (and likely never was) your friend. Friends do not treat friends with such disrespect. Block her, and go no contact. She brings nothing good to your life, and she’s not worthy of your energy and time."
"NOR." - MizPeachyKeen
"It’s called bullying. She is not your friend. Friends don’t humiliate their true friends, or tell them 'they are too sensitive.'"
"That is what bullies do. She keeps you around to put you down and make herself look or feel better."
"Her actions, attitude, and behavior are those of an immature high schooler. She could actually be jealous of you and not want one or all of the following: you to succeed, have more friends, feel better about yourself, look better, etc."
"Please slowly distance yourself, find new hobbies and activities with more mature, well-rounded, healthy people." - Freeling_Fab_U_lous
"How DARE you spoil her fun; didn't you know that part of your gift was letting her make you the butt of her jokes? (sarcastic comment)"
"What an awful person. No one should need to put others down to raise themselves up. She doesn't deserve the title of friend, to be honest. You showed much more grace than I would have managed." - tphatmcgee
"She was using you as her punching bag to make the others attending laugh. Probably thinking you’d just take it. That’s not a good friend. NOR." - Additional-Start9455
"'Someone I trusted kept embarrassing me after I asked them to stop.' NOR."
"First, you shouldn't have had to ask her to stop because a friend wouldn't have started in the first place. One of her 'jokes' was about you being sensitive, so she knew you didn't like it and did it anyway."
"Second, you asked her privately to stop, because you didn't want to embarrass her. Think about that. You didn't want to embarrass her. But she couldn't show you the same consideration, even after being asked to stop."
"That's not how I treat my friends, and I suspect that's not how you treat your friends, either." - calminthedark
"I would have answered her text that she's a s**tty friend and to f**k off. You have class."
"I probably would have made a comment at dinner that I asked her to stop with the insults."
"NOR. You did everything right." - Particular-King218
The subReddit was disappointed on the OP's behalf that a friendship they were so committed to, they were excited to celebrate their friend's birthday and even helped plan the event, came apart at their expense, and on very public terms.
If the friend didn't want to be "embarrassed," maybe she should have thought about how she was embarrassing others first.