When we find out a friend or family member is struggling and needs help, our first inclination is generally to lend a hand.
However, sometimes these loved ones need more help than we are able to provide.
In some even more unfortunate cases, sometimes the best way we can provide help is by not offering any help at all.
The brother of Redditor trovquaza recently found himself in a bad situation, and reached out to the original poster (OP) for help.
Thankfully, the OP was in a financial situation where they could afford to provide the help their brother was asking for.
Unfortunately, this was not the first time the OP's brother had gotten himself into this sort of trouble.
Resulting in the OP refusing to lend a hand.
After being chastised by their family for this decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to give my brother money for a defense lawyer even though I can afford it?"
The OP explained why they responded to their brother with deaf ears:
"I am 35 years old, I work as a chief manager at a large financial firm."
"In the past I didn't earn much, my brother and I rented an apartment together and split the rent equally."
"Then I had to cut my expenses heavily, because my brother changed his lifestyle."
"He started drinking heavily, doing drugs and stealing things from people."
"He stopped paying his share of the rent, so I had to cover for him."
"My personal belongings also started disappearing from our apartment, so I decided to move out."
'It was financially difficult for me, but I managed."
"My brother got offended, said that people do not treat relatives like this, and he did not speak to me for four years, even though I tried to text him."
"Recently he and my mother started calling and texting me."
"My brother tried to rob a store, now he faces several years in prison, and he needs money for a good defense lawyer."
"I have this money, but I refused."
"I understand that this will not change anything, and I do not want to spend funds on a person who abandoned me for four years."
"Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me, they say that I am acting inhumanly and betraying the family, since I have the money, but I don't want to help."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the. a**Hole for refusing to pay for their brother's defense lawyer.
Everyone agreed that the OP was, in fact, helping their brother by not covering the costs of a defense lawyer, feeling that the only way he will end this unfortunate pattern is by facing consequences for his actions:
"NTA."
"Clearly and explicitly tell your parents that your brother cut off contact with you because you refused to fund his downward spiral and be stolen from."
"Your brother, no matter his needs, is not entitled to the help and support of family until he makes amends for past wrongs."
"Why would you even want to help him avoid the consequences of his increasingly bad choices as one of the earliest victims?"-DasBoomer
"NTA."
"Actions have consequences and he needs to face them."- Odd-Conversation3860
"NOPE!"
"It is best for your brother to have to suffer the consequences of his illegal actions and your parents can find a way to finance his lawyer if they want to."
"Hint: They don't want to either which is why they are now pressuring you to fork over your money."
"Also, don't tell them anything about your finances from now on."
"As far as they are concerned, you have NO spare money, you have a lot of your own bills to pay, etc."
"Last, if you allow yourself to get guilt tripped into covering his lawyer then realize that you will NEVER see that money again."
"NTA."- DazzlingPotion
"NTA."
"He’s gotta deal with the consequences of his actions and maybe it’ll help him turn his life around."- NightOwlPA
"NTA."
"A good defense lawyer is not going to help an addict nor a felon."
"Your brother's best chance here is to serve time in jail/prison and hopefully get clean."
"It is up to him entirely, but if he is robbing places then he has probably made his decision already."
"It is solely on the addict to want to change."
"You can't really blame your mom as it's in her blood too not make the hard choice for her baby."
"There is nothing wrong with you or her caring about him, but it will not help him."- HousingOk6362
"NTA."
"'Now my parents and my brother are putting pressure on me'."
"Then they can pay for it."
"He left you with his share of rent to pay."
"He stole from you."
"He ignored your texts and left you on read for four years."
"No need to justify any of this to anyone."
"You could pay $10k to save him from prison time, but he could skip parole or slip up again and be in the same spot."
"He needs to man up by himself."
"Doesn't matter if you make $50k or $500k a year."
"'...said that people do not treat relatives like this'."
"He's right."
"Doesn't sound like any brother to me."
"I think I'd send him a postcard from some far away land and say 'greetings from Bahamas' even if you don't go."- IndubitablEV
"NTA x 1,000!!!! DO NOT give him money!"
"No matter how much you do, he will still want more."
"It will never end and he will always be the 'victim'."- RepulsiveComfort1888
"NTA."
"Your brother needs the wake up call."
"You might want to reevaluate your relationship with him and your parents and consider LC/NC."- Desperate_Net3878
"NTA!"
"I have a brother who has been addicted to drugs for 20 years."
"The more you give the more they take and they'll never learn the consequences of their actions."
"The best thing you can do for your future and his future is to not lend him a cent."- Charming-Tadpole-536
"NTA he robbed the store."
"He will be assigned a public defender."- Lovebeingadad54321
"NTA."
"People that steal from me are not family."- One-Beach6730
"NTA."
"You're not responsible for your brother."
"Anyone judging you is free to donate their resources."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"Your brother sounds like a real piece of work."
"I would go no contact with him, or rather continue the no contact thing."- ImportantBuilder9294
"NTA."
"Your parents can flush their own money down the toilet."
"You don’t owe him sh*t."
"Let’s make a list: Your brother is a drug addict."
"He stole from you."
"You had to pay his portion of the rent."
"Then he stopped speaking to you for four years because he was offended that you wouldn’t allow him to steal from you, pay his rent and treat you like sh*t."
"Your parents can spend their money, mortgage their house if they own, drain their savings and retirement to pay for a lawyer."
"Do not JADE, justify, argue, defend or explain."
"Do not allow them to guilt or manipulate you."
"Anytime they bring it up leave, hang up or stop responding."- Ok_Tonight_3703
"NTA."
"That sounds like a him problem."
"There's no reason why you should spare a moments thought, he screwed up, he gets the consequences."- Mira_DFalco
"NTA."
"Bro can get a public defender assuming he's in the US."- slash_networkboy
"NTA."
"He's entitled to a public defender, and public defenders are often good lawyers."
"They are not bargain bin lawyers or anything like that; they are mostly lawyers that either want to make a real difference, or that are working for the state for a nice federal loan repayment deal for their expensive loans."
"But more than that, and something your family doesn't understand, is that (in most instances) the difference between having a lawyer and not having a lawyer is HUGE, but the difference between having an okay lawyer and a great lawyer is not as big of a deal as people think it is."
"Depending on the evidence, no amount of money spent on a lawyer is going to change the fact that he tried to rob a store."
"Your money isn't going to buy him anything he won't likely also get from a public defender."- GeneStarwind1
"Treat him the way he treated you for the past four years."
"Go no contact."
"NTA."- ParticularAd1735
Even with a good defense lawyer, there's still a good chance the OP's brother could end up in jail.
And chances are, he would blame the OP for that, even after they helped him out.
Ultimately, time heals everything, and down the line, the OP's family will likely realize that they did the "humane" thing by not paying for their brother's lawyer.
