There are moments in their children's lives that parents can't wait to witness.
Taking their first steps, graduating from high school, getting married.
Some parents consider any achievement by their children a momentous occasion, and refuse to miss any moment of consequence in their child's life.
Even when it's a moment they are not exactly welcome to.
The daughter of Redditor Attitude-Mean was about to go through one of these special moments.
A moment the original poster (OP) had every intention of being present at.
Until, that is, their daughter's boyfriend "disinvited" them from this event.
Wondering if it would be wrong to show up regardless, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for Wanting to Show Up to My Daughter’s Secret Proposal While Uninvited By Her Fiancé?"
The OP explained why they were conflicted about making an appearance at their daughter's proposal:
"My daughter and her boyfriend have been in a relationship for two and a half years, and her boyfriend asked me for his blessing last week to marry my daughter."
"He recently called me on the phone and indirectly asked me if I could please not show up to their proposal."
"I am conflicted on deciding whether or not to show up to their proposal."
"I am a single mother to her as her father died when she was two years old, so I have been a widowed parent to her for 21 years and a parent in general to her for 23 years."
"I feel that being a single parent holds more of an impact when it comes to my presence at her proposal because if I don’t show up, no parent of hers will."
"I can’t discuss this decision with my daughter yet, because it would spoil the surprise of her engagement."
"I know that she would want me to be there for her proposal, but I know it’s her fiancé’s proposal as well, and I don’t want to disrespect his wishes."
"I don’t know if it would be wrong of me to show up for my daughter’s proposal even thought I’m technically uninvited."
"I feel that I should show up for my daughter because I am an important person to her, and this is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of event, but I don’t know if it’s a selfish decision of mine to show up uninvited."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The OP found little to no support from the Reddit community, who generally agreed that they were the a**hole for wanting to be present at their daughter's proposal.
Everyone agreed that the OP was not thinking of their daughters best interest, but only of themself, and had no business being at their daughter's proposal:
"YTA."
"Parents do not need to be at proposals."
"You were specifically not invited."
"Don’t show up where you weren’t invited."- malibuklw
"The fact that your daughter's fiancé felt like he needed to preemptively ask you not to show up at a surprise proposal is a sign that you exhibit some boundary issues when it comes to your daughter."
"Think hard and long about that fact, and congratulate your daughter and her boyfriend afterward."
"YTA."- CrepuscularCorvid
“'But I don’t know if it’s a selfish decision of me to show up uninvited.”
"I think you know."
"YTA."- PomegranateNo4660
"YTA."
"This is about them, not you."- NoNamesLeft998
"YTA."
"You were specifically not invited."
"Let them have their privacy and celebrate later."
"Do not start by violating boundaries."- oaksandpines1776
"YTA."
"You are making so much of this about yourself, and it shouldn't be."
"Unless explicitly invited, parents aren't present at proposals; the person proposing and the person being proposed to should both be there."
"Some of the way you talk about this as well makes it seem like you might struggle with respecting boundaries."
"The fact that the fiancé pre-emptively uninvited you and you are still considering going tells me that he knew you might show up, which I'm going to guess is based on past behavior."
"The fact that you're still considering going seems to indicate that you don't easily accept being told no and possibly trample over other people's boundaries, especially your daughter's, and lean on the fact that you're a widowed single parent to her to justify that."
"You might want to really do some introspection."- claudia_grace
"I don’t think you’re uninvited- that implies you were invited at one time."
"I think you’re just flat out not invited."
"Which is normal for a proposal."
"Please don’t make your future son-in-law sorry he shared this secret with you about his intentions to propose."
"YTA."- Bigtomhead
"YTA."
"In what world is it normal for a parent to be present at the proposal?"
"You're right, it is selfish."
"Don't go, you'll see photos and hear about it before everyone else anyway."- whatthefrelll
Of course, YTA."
"This is about your daughter and her boyfriend."
"Your status as a single parent is completely irrelevant."
"This has nothing to do with parents."
"Do not show up."- JustThatWeirdGirl
"YTA."
"Why would you be there?"
"The fact that he even had to tell you not to come says a lot about you - and none of it is good."
"Do you often insert yourself into their lives?"
"Do you always make everything about you?"
"If you want any type of relationship with your daughter, you really need to reevaluate your behavior."
"Otherwise you’ll be making a post crying about how you don’t know why your daughter has gone no contact with you."-JP1029384756
"YTA."
"I don’t understand why you’d feel conflicted about going when you were explicitly asked not to come."- SpaceKiohtee
"This isn’t about you being her only parent."
"This isn’t about you being the one to raise her."
"This isn’t about what you think you know she would want."
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU."
"Unless it’s a public proposal and other family and friends will be there, it’s a private moment for the two of them to share and talk about later if they choose to."
"I love my father and would absolutely not have wanted any sort of audience for my proposal."
"It would have been awkward and annoying."
"He specifically asked you not to show up."
"He does not want you there."
"He wants it to be about himself and your daughter."
"What else have you inserted yourself into throughout their relationship that even made him feel like it was necessary to single you out and tell you not to come?"
"YTA and you would be incredibly selfish to show up and make this about you when it’s not at all supposed to be."- Euphoric-Maximum192
"YTA."
"Parents don’t need to be at proposals."- HapaC13
"YTA."
"Are you going to crash their honeymoon, too?"
"Move into their first house?"
"Come on."
"It's not about you AND he asked you not to be there."- Fickle-Range-8140
"YTA."
"Don't do that."
"Proposals aren't for parents."
"Be happy for them but stay back."- Sweet_Cinnabonn
"YTA."
"Obviously you’ve interfered before or he’s told you to stay away."- Hot-Freedom-5886
"Don’t cross that boundary."
"YTA."- Sea_Roof3637
"YTA."
"Proposals are not a family affair; you should not be there."
"You will ruin it."
"You will get to enjoy the wedding, look forward to that."- chaserscarlet
"YTA."
"How do you know that your daughter would want you there?"
"The fact that her boyfriend had to call you and specifically ask you NOT to show up sounds to me like you have been inserting yourself into their relationship."
"Or, they have discussed proposals, and she doesn't want you there, you don't know?"
"Having a deceased husband does not give you any additional parental rights, so check that right now."
"This reads like the mom that dives into the gender reveal with her child and steals the moment from the couple - please don't be (stop being) that person!"
"Step back and let your daughter have her moment with her boyfriend and let her share her excitement with you!"- AbFab-alicious
"YTA."
"Not a moment about you - stay away."- AellaReeves
"'I feel that being a single parent holds more of an impact when it comes to my presence at her proposal because if I don’t show up, no parent of hers will'."
"Parents being at a proposal is not a 'thing'."
"It happens, sure, but it's not the usual."
"If you want to get off on the wrong foot with your soon-to-be SIL, sure, show up."
"Keep in mind you were absolutely not invited."
"YTA."- Gattina1
Being their daughter's only living parent, the OP's desire to always be there for her is understandable.
That being said, single parents also need to allow their children to grow up, and find their own way in life.
Hopefully, the OP will realize that they will be doing their daughter a service by staying away when her boyfriend proposes.
