Content Warning: Miscarriage, Grief
Let's be honest: everyone is busy. It's just that everyone's "busy," whether it's with work, children, other responsibilities, or even hobbies, looks different.
Just because someone's reasons for being busy are different does not suddenly make it okay to shame them for what fills their time, especially if that somehow also involves a terrible loss, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Maryi_Boyd worked from home and was eager to help her family with various tasks as a means to distract herself after she had a miscarriage.
But when her sister started making jokes about her not being busy because she didn't have children, the Original Poster (OP) was hurt and didn't want to help babysit her children anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by refusing to babysit my sister's kids after what she said at dinner?"
The OP was frequently expected to care for her sister's three children.
"My sister has three kids under the age of 10, and somehow over the last few years, I became the default backup parent. I work from home, so everybody decided that means I'm always free."
"Her babysitter cancels? She calls me. One of her kids has a fever? She calls me."
"Sometimes she doesn't even ask anymore; she just texts that she's dropping them off in 20 minutes like I'm a daycare she already pays for or something."
"I didn't push back much because I love my nieces and nephew, and honestly, her husband is useless half the time unless somebody is actively watching him parent."
"Plus, after my miscarriage last year, I think I kind of threw myself into helping people so I didn't have to think too much about my own life."
But then the OP discovered how her sister really felt about her and her babysitting.
"Last Sunday, we were having dinner at my parents' place, and the frequency the kids are at my house came up, and my mom joked that I should start charging daycare rates."
"Everybody laughed except my sister. She goes, 'Well, its not like she has a real job anyway. She just sits at home on her laptop all day.'"
"I laughed at first because I thought she was kidding, but she kept going. saying she has the actual exhausting life because she's raising kids, while I just answer emails all day with no husband, no kids, and no responsibilities."
"It got SUPER quiet after that because everybody at the table knows about the miscarriage. Even my dad looked uncomfortable and immediately tried changing the subject."
"I just grabbed my stuff and left because I could literally feel myself starting to cry, and I wasn't about to do that in front of everybody over some boxed wine and dry chicken parm."
The OP didn't feel comfortable helping her sister after that.
"Since then, I've stopped helping completely. no babysitting, no emergency pickups, nothing."
"Now she's freaking out, because apparently, childcare keeps falling through, and she has to miss work sometimes."
"Yesterday she called, saying I'm punishing innocent kids over one stupid joke and that she was clearly kidding."
"But honestly, it didn't feel like a joke. It felt like one of those things somebody has been thinking for a LONG time and finally let slip."
"Now my mom wants me to let it go because the kids are stressed and my sister is overwhelmed. My dad says he gets why I'm hurt but thinks I'm dragging it out too long."
"Part of me feels guilty because the kids didn't do anything wrong, but another part of me feels like I've basically been free labor for years, and the second I stop being useful, suddenly I'm selfish and dramatic."
"I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I'm still really p**sed about it."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some found this to be a classic example of "don't bite the hand that feeds you."
"NOR. She was taking advantage of you. She felt entitled to your assistance. And then she belittled you for having a life that gives you the flexibility to be of assistance to her in the first place."
"You don’t owe her anything, and don’t let her guilt-trip you using her kids/her responsibilities." - WhydIJoinRedditAgain
"How stupid does a person have to be to insult someone and then feel entitled to still expect their help?"
"The sister is definitely jealous of OP's job and lifestyle. Some people cannot handle other people's happiness." - TheHawk17
"It’s like people who make fun of anyone who works fast food, but also goes through the drive-through all the time. Like, why are you mocking people for providing you with a service you absolutely want to have?" - scarlettshimmer
"If they say anything else to you, tell them that it wasn’t just a 'stupid joke'; it was her 'stupid perception of your job and responsibilities' and an 'appalling sense of entitlement to your labor.'" - Accomplished_Bank103
"NOR. She could have apologized, and she didn’t."
"Ask her to explain 'the joke' for each 'funny' grievance she has about your life choices in comparison to hers, and perhaps have her cite where that 'humor' has played out well anywhere else (TV, movies, even other family dinners)."
"And when she can’t, ask her to explain why it’s so difficult for her to take ownership over the pain she’s caused you, her lack of respect for your full-time job (that allows you to watch HER kids), and what lessons she’s learned regarding her over-dependence on you and complete lack of appreciation from her/her husband regarding being the third parent to their children."
"If you decide to help again, please take this as an opportunity to reset this dynamic. Write out and make her agree to basics decency."
"She will provide at least two days’ notice (no same-day dropoffs), she will ensure she has backup emergency care (and show proof), she will compensate you for your time (could be as simple as covering dinner or force an hourly rate so she has some financial accountability for your time), and she will speak respectfully of you/your job/the care you provide to anyone and everyone (but especially family)."
"If she can’t agree to it, then she needs to enroll them in after-school care or daycare like every other parent who navigates these very routine parenting obligations."
"She really does owe you an apology, and not one of those 'I’m sorry YOU feel that way' nonsense ones. She needs to own that she went out of her way to belittle every aspect of your being."
"From your miscarriage (which was beyond heartless) to your career choice (I actually think this was just straight up jealousy on her part; she needs to own her words and get into therapy or something, it’s unhealthy to be jealous and mean to an adult sibling), to the fact she can’t just accept she needs a village to raise her kids, she’s not the superhero she wants others to recognize her as being (which speaks to her own insecurities)." - TitanAME
Others pointed out that the sister could work something out with her very concerned parents instead.
"NOR. Tell her and your parents that they can work out the daycare between themselves as YOU ARE WORKING." - Ok_Conversation9750
"OP’s Mom says, 'the kids are stressed.' No, their mother and father are stressed because their mother is a big fat a**hole who feels entitled to her sister’s labor and insulted her." - Mmm_lemon_cakes
"Why can't the grandparents take over this if they're so d**n concerned. It always blows my mind away how other family members think that other family members should take the responsibility when they can do it themselves." - MobilePalpitation702
"I’m missing the part where your sister gave you a genuine, heartfelt apology. I wouldn’t do a d**n thing for her without it."
"And you aren’t 'punishing your nieces and nephews over a joke' or 'stressing them out.' You are drawing boundaries with someone who doesn’t respect you and what you do for them. Definitely NOR." - Rainy579
"If it’s soooo bad for the kids, then their mum should eat some humble pie and apologise to OP."
"I just think it’s completely ridiculous that the sister, the mother, and the father are all putting pressure on OP to go back to the previous arrangement when there’s been no apology."
"The apology needs to be the absolute bare minimum before they can even START to discuss IF the OP will resume child care responsibilities, and she has ever right not to want to, ESPECIALLY while she is, YES, WORKING." - Amanita_deVice
Maybe the sister was stressed with work, kids, and a less-than-supportive husband, and that's all understandable.
But to drag her sister through the mud, especially since she was providing primary, reliable care for her children while she continued to work her usual workday, was unacceptable, and if she wanted things to go back to the way they used to be, there needed to be an apology and, honesty, some compensation.
