Disabled adult children who can't live independently require help with housing and day to day life. But isit ever a sibling's responsibility if their parents are still alive and capable of helping their adult child?
A spouse turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over this very question.
Forced-girl asked:
"AITA for making my brother-in-law (BIL) move out after realizing my mother-in-law (MIL) basically pushed us to buy this house so she wouldn’t have to house him?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I bought his late grandmother Gertrude’s house from her estate. My MIL 'Carla' pushed us HARD to buy this specific house. Like, really hard."
"My BIL 'Kyle' had already been living in Gertrude’s basement for a few years before we bought it, and when we bought the house he just… never left."
"There was never a conversation where my husband and I agreed that buying this house meant Kyle got to live with us indefinitely. We knew he was already there and obviously weren’t going to throw him out immediately, but we never agreed to permanently house him."
"Now that the house is bought, Carla has gotten a lot more comfortable saying the quiet part out loud. She’s literally said she wanted 'her kids to be set' and that she pushed for this house because she didn’t want Kyle to be 'displaced'."
"I'm gonna throw in a quick edit here, so no one can make assumptions. We have had multiple conversations about how long Kyle will be allowed to stay here, throughout the duration of the house buying process and moving in here. The conflict is coming up because Carla didn't expect us to put a timeframe on his occupancy or to stand our ground on it."
"So basically, she didn’t want Kyle living with her, ('If he comes to live with me it will ruin my marriage!') and her solution was apparently getting us to buy the house he already lived in so he’d become our problem instead."
"Every time we try to talk to her about Kyle moving out, she also suddenly brings up money."
"My father-in-law (FIL) 'Bob' handled Gertrude’s estate and after the house sold, he received the seller’s proceeds check (the amount was less than 3% of what we're buying the house for. Roughly equivalent to one of my husband's paychecks on a slow week) and gifted the seller's proceeds check to my husband 'as a housewarming present'—Bob's exact words."
"This DOES NOT MEAN that we got a 'free house'. I'm very confused on where some of you are getting that idea. We're gonna be paying on this house for the next 30 years at least."
"There was no agreement that it was a loan or that we had to pay it back. Carla now insists we owe her that money and keeps using it to deflect from the Kyle situation. I think part of her motivation to have us buy the house was so she would get a payday ON TOP OF getting to shirk her responsibility to her grown child."
"She even recently tried telling us we could lose our house over it, which turned out to be complete bullshit when I actually contacted the title company."
"At this point we’re done. Kyle has been given formal notice to move out."
"Carla is furious because according to her, Kyle staying here was basically part of the whole reason she wanted us to buy the house."
"That's what I suspected from the beginning, and I tried to warn my husband against it, but she's very good at pulling the wool over his eyes and getting him to do exactly what she wants. They have a very toxic dynamic and it's been a point of contention."
"But that’s exactly my problem. That was HER plan. Nobody bothered to make sure it was OUR plan before we bought the f*cking house."
"We have our own kids and our own family. I don’t think buying a house means unknowingly signing up to house another grown adult forever because my MIL decided that arrangement worked best for her."
"AITA?"
"Sidenote: Kyle is on the autism spectrum. I want to mention that because I know it’s relevant context, but I also don’t want to imply that being autistic means he’s incapable of living independently or that autistic adults are automatically someone else’s responsibility."
"My issue is not that Kyle is in the ASD spectrum. My issue is that Carla apparently made a long-term housing plan for him that involved our home, without ever actually getting our agreement."
"Unfortunately Kyle's father has some substance abuse issues, that wouldn't be my first choice for Kyle's living situation. From everything I've seen in my years of being with my husband, Kyle shouldn't live on his own. In a perfect world, he'd go live with Carla so she can make sure he is appropriately taken care of, not spending his money inappropriately/ keeping up on his hygiene/ living in a clean area."
"My husband has spent the entire entirety of his adult life being the one to take care of his brother, therefore he is fiercely protective of/ feels that he is responsible for Kyle. However he has voiced multiple times through the house buying process/moving in here (both to Kyle and Carla) that he has his own family now and cannot be on the hook/ be the only one looking out for Kyle; and his eyes the only people he needs to be responsible for is his wife and children."
"He is torn because he doesn't want to kick his brother out with no backup plan but if Carla isn't going to step up, we have no clue what we'll do".
OP later added:
"FAQ because I left out a lot of context trying to keep the original post short which keeps coming up in the comments:"
"Where is my husband in all of this? My husband is VERY much involved. These decisions are primarily being handled by him because Kyle is his brother."
"He shares my views on the situation and is the one who served Kyle his 30 day notice. He is obviously concerned about his brother’s welfare, as am I, but we also have children of our own who are our first responsibility."
"Can Kyle live independently? Realistically, no, at least not without significant support. He is autistic and struggles with things like personal hygiene, keeping his living area sanitary, trash picking and hoarding. Those behaviors are actually part of why continuing to have him live in our home isn’t working."
"I’m not saying this to disparage him or autistic people generally; I’m explaining why simply telling him to go get an apartment by himself isn’t really the solution here."
"Does Kyle even WANT to stay? No. Kyle doesn’t want to live here any more than we want him here. This isn’t some situation where Kyle is begging us to let him stay and we’re throwing him onto the street. The conflict is primarily with Carla and her expectation that his housing should continue being our responsibility."
"Did Bob give you the house/the money in exchange for housing Kyle? No. We purchased this house. We have a mortgage. Bob gifting my husband the seller’s proceeds afterward did not make our house free, and Bob never told us the money was payment for housing Kyle nor attached any such condition to it. There was never an agreement that accepting that money meant Kyle could live here indefinitely."
"So what do you expect to happen to Kyle? That’s something my husband is genuinely concerned about because he loves his brother. But we cannot make our household and our children responsible for permanently housing and caring for another adult because Carla doesn’t want that responsibility herself."
"Kyle needs support, and we aren’t denying that. We’re saying that support cannot indefinitely be our home and our family by default. Carla is his mother and needs to be involved in figuring out an appropriate long-term living situation for her own son."
"If Carla doesn't have Kyle out by the date on the notice, we'll be continuing with a formal eviction process."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA- but it was pretty dumb for you guys not to have a conversation with Kyle (or each other, apparently) about him moving out when you bought the house." ~ Awkward-Anybody5179
"OP says there were multiple conversations during the house buying process (so before they'd bought it) about Kyle not living there permanently and exactly how long he would be allowed to stay to find another place to live."
"It doesn't sound like they ignored the problem until later--sounds like the mom just wouldn't listen to anything that didn't fit her pre conceived plan." ~ rainyhawk
"Exactly. Laws vary by jurisdiction, but since he is a tenant, it isn’t as simple as removing a trespasser. The eviction process could take months and be costly if he’s not cooperative." ~ JustBrowsing49
"NTA based on what has been added when I'm seeing the post, but I have to say you and your husband were out of your minds to not realize that OF COURSE the whole point of her pushing was to make you responsible for Kyle forever." ~ HelenGonne
"NTA - I think? Your MIL is a real piece of work though." ~ 2tiredforthis
OP, her husband, and their children aren't responsible for anyone else's child.
Social services offer caseworkers for disabled adults who can help sort out housing needs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her