Caring for a child who can never live independently is a big responsibility for their parents, but what happens when their parents are no longer able to care for their child? Does the responsibility immediately fall to whatever other children they have?
A woman with an aversion to capitalization and a fondness for exclamation points turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over her brothers' future care.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Xdustbinx asked:
"AITAH for not wanting to commit to caring for brothers with disabilities?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"my mum expects me (21, female) to care for my high need brothers (23, male; 24, male) when she and her husband pass on. this is all based on what i said when i was 11: 'of course i'll care for them mum!'."
"my mum is 46!! i have brought up that she may not need to worry about that, since i've also read that my brothers may not outlive us, which is horrible to think about obviously! she flipped her sh*t though, she wants to believe they'll have a fulfilling life."
"now, whenever i bring up future house plans (come january we'll have purchased our house), living plans and work future etc... she always 'reminds' me to think of how i'll care for my brothers at the same time. to which i have to say that im not caring for them!"
"i do have family i could live with but unfortunately my partner and i are SO close to buying our own house that we're just waiting it out. she's alright so long as im steering clear of her!"
"my mum has 3 other neurotypical children, but they're boys, so she doesn't expect them to care for my brothers because i'm 'naturally more naturing'. it was just my mum's dream to have 7 kids."
"my brothers' thoughts are 'as long as it's not me i don't care'. it really feels like im alone in this."
"it's frustrating because i don't want to care for those who don't even like me! the 23-year-old always yells and screams at me, sometimes 'threatening' to punch me—and my mum just says it's because i'm the one who never went away!"
"my brothers are also well over 185cm. i love my brothers, i really do, but i can't commit to full time care. my partner takes interest because he loves learning, but is also really scared of my mum!"
"i've asked her what makes her think that he'll willingly live with me and she just said neither him nor i have a choice in the matter! it's incredibly frustrating and my mum is treating me like i'm a demon for not wanting to be a full time carer for my brothers."
"she's even started teaching my partner (22M) how to care for my brothers and it's just... wtf‽‽ she almost cried when i said i planned to have mine and my partner's kids raised in his home country! 'what about your brothers and me‽."
"Am i the a**hole?? am i being inconsiderate because i don't want to care for men who barely like me?"
"i've tried to negotiate with the fact that there are businesses who will support them, but she just believes that they'll get abused or assaulted. i've tried to tell her that just because i'm not going to be their carer, it doesn't mean i won't visit them, but she's pretty pig-headed."
"i'm happy to be the contact person for whatever agency! but she doesn't want them in a home, she wants me personally to care for them."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You can care for them. Have them placed into group housing, and be the contact person for whatever agency you go through. Honestly, even that is more than anyone should ever expect of you."
"I have a special needs son. He's 25. He is an enormous responsibility. The idea of institutionalizing him after I am unable to care for him breaks my heart, but I spend over 120 hours a week caring for him, and I cannot imagine dropping that responsibility on my kids."
"Your folks do NOT know what the future may bring, and he may end up in a group home before this even becomes an issue."
"You matter. Your life matters. An 11-year-old's promise is meaningless and the fact that they hold that up is ridiculous. As nice as it would be for them to feel that their son will have the care they want, it's really selfish."
"This isn't about you. It's about them. There are nice places out there. They can save money and find a great place for him, or not—but it really isn't your problem." ~ awesomeluck
"NTA, you aren't a home grown caretaker. She needs to figure out the plan for your siblings because your existence isn't for her to control. Live your life. Frankly it's icky because it makes it feel like she had you to be a built in caregiver, though I certainly hope that isn't the case." ~ knight_shade_realms
"Move far, far away as soon as you're able to. Another continent if possible. I'm dead serious. She won't make plans for them otherwise, your brothers will ghost you, and you'll never get out from under this burden." ~ Kind-Champion-5530
"Harshly, your mom has a quarter century of history on bad decision making. She had two disabled children at the outset and then kept popping out more and more kids??? There are 6 of you?"
"I have no clue why you are still living there. You are an adult and clearly your partner is emotionally supportive of you. You are being physically abused. You and your mom do not get along. Find a job even if not your dream job and rent a room somewhere."
"Start working on moving out, pronto. Stop tolerating the abuse; call police if assaulted and perhaps that will generate much needed services for your brothers as well as the involvement of social workers."
"Good luck as you plan out living YOUR life, not a Cinderella life at your mom's bidding. NTA." ~ MistySky1999
"NTA. What are the 3 other neurotypical siblings thoughts in this? Maybe between the four of you there can be a plan set in place. Like finding a suitable care facility and coming up with a plan to make sure its paid for."
"Maybe if you can show a your mom a plan with a united front from the whole family it might help get her off your back. I'm assuming your mom is in good health so it will be alot of years before anything actually happens." ~ CowtheCatt
"Just tell her that you’re her child, not her babysitter and that she needs to make plans for their future that don’t include you in them. NTA. Your mother is fearful for their future, but that doesn’t make it your responsibility. You’re a human, not her back up plan." ~ Mkhldr
"I don’t know if you even need to tell her until you’re safely out and on your own. I don’t mean to be cruel but you’ve specified that you’re not doing it. They will not believe you. This has to be a show not tell thing."
"Stop focusing on telling them what you’re gonna do and work on doing it. Finish your education, find what you want to do where you want to live (I’d suggest a good safe distance from your parent. I know that sounds cruel but you do not owe the your life and you certainly are not obligated to throw away your future on two people who threaten and intimidate you."
"Get yourself sorted, live your life and let them figure out what they’re going to do. Just because you happened to be born a girl and said something in elementary school, doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be a caretaker and servant. I do feel for the brothers, but they bully, threaten and intimidate her. She is not equipped to care for them, she has no desire to and she has no obligation to. She told them no, that’s all there is to it." ~ acegirl1985
"I am a mother to two disabled children, and I'm going to hold your hands when I say this: you deserve better. You are not their parent, and you have been parentified since childhood with the expectation that because you are a woman, it's your job to care for others, and it is absolutely not."
"There are organisations for them to get help from, and if they can't, it STILL isn't your job. Leave, cut people off who don't deserve you, and take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself." ~ NicaNocturnal
"None of this is your problem. Their mother needs to make plans for them. If she fails to make plans, someone can call adult protective services and have the state take 'custody' of care." ~ Realistic-Try7845
OP is only 21. Locking her into a future commitment is unrealistic when she's only beginning her life as an adult.
But maybe that's the plan.
