We always want to be there for our family.
Particularly if we have a family member who needs special attention.
Unfortunately, sometimes we can’t always give these family members as much attention as we might like, owing to other commitments in life.
Which makes it all the more difficult when our family expects more from us.
Redditor ThrowRA00924463‘s husband expected their older son to become something of a de-facto caregiver to his younger brother upon finishing college.
So much so, that he even made sure nothing would get in the way of his helping out at home, by going behind his back.
Learning of her husband’s deception, the original poster (OP) took matters into her own hands.
Creating a divide between herself and her husband in the process.
Having second thoughts about her actions, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for moving my son into a rental apartment after finding out that his dad’s been cancelling his job applications?”
The OP explained how upon learning her husband was sabotaging her older son, she felt there was only one thing to do.
“My son ‘Aiden’ (23) moved back in with us upon graduating college as my husband wanted.”
“My husband’s original plan was to have Aiden live with us for free, but stay home and help with his disabled younger brother (16).”
“Aiden started complaining about needing money and wanted to find a job.”
“My husband was against this and even offered to double his allowance, but Aiden was growing tired of staying at home.”
“So he began looking for jobs here and there for over a year, but none of his job applications came through.”
“He’d just apply, and they never get back to him.”
“We were confused by this til recently, I found out that my husband was behind all the job applications being canceled.”
“He’d wait till Aiden applies then he proceeds to cancel the application by impersonating him and using his email.”
“I blew up at him for this, but his justification is that he’s just trying to make sure that our younger son is cared for by Aiden and said that Aiden has been a big help and his getting a job will affect his care for his brother.”
“I went ahead and rented an apartment for Aiden and told him to stay there til he finds a job and starts paying for it himself.”
“Aiden was hurt upon knowing what his dad did.”
“My husband was livid when he found out.”
“He called me unhinged and said that I was separating the boys and teaching Aiden to become selfish and care more about a job than family.”
“He also said it was a huge decision for me to rent an apartment without even running it by him.”
“He’s been giving me hell about it and is calling me a terrible mother for encouraging Aiden to be selfish and self-centered.”
“He said I needed to see and understand why he did what he did.”
“Few things to mention:”
“My husband says that since he and I have health issues, then we could use Aiden’s help.”
“When I suggested outside help, my husband refused saying he won’t ask anything from anybody and that his son is his problem and nobody else’s.”
“I used money from our joint account to pay for the rental apartment.”
“My husband said it was wrong and that it was a major waste of money since we deal with medical bills consistently.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for getting her son an apartment behind her husband’s back.
Everyone agreed that the OP’s husband was the one who was “unhinged,” and the OP did absolutely the right thing by getting her son out of the house, and giving him his independence, with many even suggesting that the OP should consider getting out of the house as well.
“A 23 year old cannot exist on ‘allowance,’ and he’s not a de-facto caretaker.”
“Your husband seems unhinged.”
“You did the right thing for your son.”- Spare-Article-396
“Hopefully Aiden has changed his password, and maybe even set up a second ‘secret’ email for job applications in case daddy dearest manages to access the old one in some way.”-AggravatingSand8896
“Aiden deserves to have a life of his own.”
“You and your husband need to find a better plan to take care of your youngest.”
“What if Aiden meets somebody and wants to start his independent life, what next?”
“Your husband will contact his SO to ruin the relationship?”- bizianka
“Your husband is a huge AH and absolutely toxic.”
“He exploits Aiden as a caretaker and deliberately ruins his own future and opportunities.”
“The only one who is selfish and irresponsible is your husband, and clearly NOT Aiden.”
“Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your son and don‘t let your husband exploit and parentify him further.”- realstareyes
“Getting started as a young worker is crucial.”
“He could stunt your son’s entire life path with this bullsh*t.”
“Long-term caregiving is no joke, and can cause major depression, but this is screamingly not the way to deal with the struggle he clearly is either having or worried about having with caring for your other child.”- tomjames206
“Your husband is abusive to Aiden and honestly, creepy in his manipulations and insistence on Aiden being Dobby the house elf.”- SlinkyMalinky20
“You did so right by your son, and you are a good mother.”
“I don’t understand why only Aiden can be his brother’s caregiver according to your husband, but this is not Aiden’s responsibility.”
“His is to live his life and actually have one, and your husband’s is to find care for his son without ruining his other son’s life.”
“What your husband did was just wrong, and his outlook is wrong too.”- iangel19
“NTA Your husband is crazy.”
“It’s not Aiden’s responsibility to care for his disabled brother at the expense of his own life.”
“You and your husband need to look into long-term care options for your disabled son.”
“In the meantime thank you so much for being a caring, concerned mother and looking out for Aiden’s best interests.”- Rude_Vermicelli2268
“NTA – but wtf.”
“Your husband is deranged, and you should leave him.”
“Your older son has a degree, wants to work and be independent, and your husband is gaslighting him to try to keep him around to support his younger disabled brother?”
“The emotional manipulation is strong with him, and I’d be concerned about what he’s capable of.”-Aware-Leather2428
“NTA and what your husband is doing is criminal (at least figuratively, but likely literally as well).”
“This is seriously sociopathic behavior, dig into this (on behalf of both sons and yourself) to see what else he’s been doing, because impersonating one person to force his way likely doesn’t stop there.”-JsCTmav
“You are a great parent.”
“Your husband is an abusive AH.”
“Get a divorce.”- Minute_Patient_8841
“Holy f*ck NTA.”
“This is beyond controlling behavior.”
“Your husband was literally trying to enslave your son to take care of your other son for the rest of his life.”
“Aiden should be able to live on his own like anyone else.”
“That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about his brother, but his brother isn’t his burden–it’s yours.”
“The apartment rental was an excellent quick fix- this gives Aiden the space he needs to become independent and should prevent your husband from doing him dirty again.”
“However- -‘m not sure how you could continue to live with someone who is so cruel.”
“This level of abuse is far above what therapy can solve IMO.”
“Divorce him.”- DoraTheUrbanExplorer
“Your husband is insane.”
“The only selfish and self-centered one is him.”
“I’d bet money he’s only doing this so he doesn’t have to care for his son himself.”
“It is not Aidens’ job to be a caretaker for his brother for the rest of his life.”
“I don’t usually jump to ‘leave him’, but this man is NOT worth your time.”
“He betrayed the trust of not only you but the son whose life he tried to ruin.”-Keenzur
“What your husband did to Aiden is inexcusable.”
“Just how does he expect Aiden to take care of his brother down the line if he’s never had a career or any savings?”- LiberateMainSt
It’s always a challenge to have a family member who needs round-the-clock care.
However, forcing Aiden into becoming a full-time caregiver was almost destined to cause a permanent rift in the family.
Hopefully, the OP’s husband will come to realize that Aiden needs to live his own life, and they will both find a way for their younger son to get the care he needs.