We always want to be there for our family.
Particularly if we have a family member who needs special attention.
Unfortunately, sometimes we can't always give these family members as much attention as we might like, owing to other commitments in life.
Which makes it all the more difficult when our family expects more from us.
Redditor ThrowRA00924463's husband expected their older son to become something of a de-facto caregiver to his younger brother upon finishing college.
So much so, that he even made sure nothing would get in the way of his helping out at home, by going behind his back.
Learning of her husband's deception, the original poster (OP) took matters into her own hands.
Creating a divide between herself and her husband in the process.
Having second thoughts about her actions, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for moving my son into a rental apartment after finding out that his dad's been cancelling his job applications?"
The OP explained how upon learning her husband was sabotaging her older son, she felt there was only one thing to do.
"My son 'Aiden' (23) moved back in with us upon graduating college as my husband wanted."
"My husband's original plan was to have Aiden live with us for free, but stay home and help with his disabled younger brother (16)."
"Aiden started complaining about needing money and wanted to find a job."
"My husband was against this and even offered to double his allowance, but Aiden was growing tired of staying at home."
"So he began looking for jobs here and there for over a year, but none of his job applications came through."
"He'd just apply, and they never get back to him."
"We were confused by this til recently, I found out that my husband was behind all the job applications being canceled."
"He'd wait till Aiden applies then he proceeds to cancel the application by impersonating him and using his email."
"I blew up at him for this, but his justification is that he's just trying to make sure that our younger son is cared for by Aiden and said that Aiden has been a big help and his getting a job will affect his care for his brother."
"I went ahead and rented an apartment for Aiden and told him to stay there til he finds a job and starts paying for it himself."
"Aiden was hurt upon knowing what his dad did."
"My husband was livid when he found out."
"He called me unhinged and said that I was separating the boys and teaching Aiden to become selfish and care more about a job than family."
"He also said it was a huge decision for me to rent an apartment without even running it by him."
"He's been giving me hell about it and is calling me a terrible mother for encouraging Aiden to be selfish and self-centered."
"He said I needed to see and understand why he did what he did."
"Few things to mention:"
"My husband says that since he and I have health issues, then we could use Aiden's help."
"When I suggested outside help, my husband refused saying he won't ask anything from anybody and that his son is his problem and nobody else's."
"I used money from our joint account to pay for the rental apartment."
"My husband said it was wrong and that it was a major waste of money since we deal with medical bills consistently."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for getting her son an apartment behind her husband's back.
Everyone agreed that the OP's husband was the one who was "unhinged," and the OP did absolutely the right thing by getting her son out of the house, and giving him his independence, with many even suggesting that the OP should consider getting out of the house as well.
"NTA."
"A 23 year old cannot exist on 'allowance,' and he's not a de-facto caretaker."
"Your husband seems unhinged."
"You did the right thing for your son."- Spare-Article-396
"NTA."
"Hopefully Aiden has changed his password, and maybe even set up a second 'secret' email for job applications in case daddy dearest manages to access the old one in some way."-AggravatingSand8896
"NTA."
"Aiden deserves to have a life of his own."
"You and your husband need to find a better plan to take care of your youngest."
"What if Aiden meets somebody and wants to start his independent life, what next?"
"Your husband will contact his SO to ruin the relationship?"- bizianka
"NTA."
"Your husband is a huge AH and absolutely toxic."
"He exploits Aiden as a caretaker and deliberately ruins his own future and opportunities."
"The only one who is selfish and irresponsible is your husband, and clearly NOT Aiden."
"Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your son and don't let your husband exploit and parentify him further."- realstareyes
"NTA."
"Getting started as a young worker is crucial."
"He could stunt your son's entire life path with this bullsh*t."
"Long-term caregiving is no joke, and can cause major depression, but this is screamingly not the way to deal with the struggle he clearly is either having or worried about having with caring for your other child."- tomjames206
"NTA."
"Your husband is abusive to Aiden and honestly, creepy in his manipulations and insistence on Aiden being Dobby the house elf."- SlinkyMalinky20
"Nta."
"You did so right by your son, and you are a good mother."
"I don't understand why only Aiden can be his brother's caregiver according to your husband, but this is not Aiden's responsibility."
"His is to live his life and actually have one, and your husband's is to find care for his son without ruining his other son's life."
"What your husband did was just wrong, and his outlook is wrong too."- iangel19
"NTA Your husband is crazy."
"It's not Aiden's responsibility to care for his disabled brother at the expense of his own life."
"You and your husband need to look into long-term care options for your disabled son."
"In the meantime thank you so much for being a caring, concerned mother and looking out for Aiden's best interests."- Rude_Vermicelli2268
"NTA - but wtf."
"Your husband is deranged, and you should leave him."
"Your older son has a degree, wants to work and be independent, and your husband is gaslighting him to try to keep him around to support his younger disabled brother?"
"The emotional manipulation is strong with him, and I'd be concerned about what he's capable of."-Aware-Leather2428
"NTA and what your husband is doing is criminal (at least figuratively, but likely literally as well)."
"This is seriously sociopathic behavior, dig into this (on behalf of both sons and yourself) to see what else he's been doing, because impersonating one person to force his way likely doesn't stop there."-JsCTmav
"NTA."
"You are a great parent."
"Your husband is an abusive AH."
"Get a divorce."- Minute_Patient_8841
"Holy f*ck NTA."
"This is beyond controlling behavior."
"Your husband was literally trying to enslave your son to take care of your other son for the rest of his life."
"Aiden should be able to live on his own like anyone else."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't care about his brother, but his brother isn't his burden--it's yours."
"The apartment rental was an excellent quick fix- this gives Aiden the space he needs to become independent and should prevent your husband from doing him dirty again."
"However- -'m not sure how you could continue to live with someone who is so cruel."
"This level of abuse is far above what therapy can solve IMO."
"Divorce him."- DoraTheUrbanExplorer
"NTA."
"Your husband is insane."
"The only selfish and self-centered one is him."
"I'd bet money he's only doing this so he doesn't have to care for his son himself."
"It is not Aidens' job to be a caretaker for his brother for the rest of his life."
"I don't usually jump to 'leave him', but this man is NOT worth your time."
"He betrayed the trust of not only you but the son whose life he tried to ruin."-Keenzur
"NTA."
"What your husband did to Aiden is inexcusable."
"Just how does he expect Aiden to take care of his brother down the line if he's never had a career or any savings?"- LiberateMainSt
It's always a challenge to have a family member who needs round-the-clock care.
However, forcing Aiden into becoming a full-time caregiver was almost destined to cause a permanent rift in the family.
Hopefully, the OP's husband will come to realize that Aiden needs to live his own life, and they will both find a way for their younger son to get the care he needs.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.