We always want to be there for our family.
Particularly if we have a family member who needs special attention.
Unfortunately, sometimes we can't always give these family members as much attention as we might like, owing to other commitments in life.
Which makes it all the more difficult when our family expects more from us.
Redditor ThrowRA00924463's husband expected their older son to become something of a de-facto caregiver to his younger brother upon finishing college.
So much so, that he even made sure nothing would get in the way of his helping out at home, by going behind his back.
Learning of her husband's deception, the original poster (OP) took matters into her own hands.
Creating a divide between herself and her husband in the process.
Having second thoughts about her actions, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for moving my son into a rental apartment after finding out that his dad's been cancelling his job applications?"
The OP explained how upon learning her husband was sabotaging her older son, she felt there was only one thing to do.
"My son 'Aiden' (23) moved back in with us upon graduating college as my husband wanted."
"My husband's original plan was to have Aiden live with us for free, but stay home and help with his disabled younger brother (16)."
"Aiden started complaining about needing money and wanted to find a job."
"My husband was against this and even offered to double his allowance, but Aiden was growing tired of staying at home."
"So he began looking for jobs here and there for over a year, but none of his job applications came through."
"He'd just apply, and they never get back to him."
"We were confused by this til recently, I found out that my husband was behind all the job applications being canceled."
"He'd wait till Aiden applies then he proceeds to cancel the application by impersonating him and using his email."
"I blew up at him for this, but his justification is that he's just trying to make sure that our younger son is cared for by Aiden and said that Aiden has been a big help and his getting a job will affect his care for his brother."
"I went ahead and rented an apartment for Aiden and told him to stay there til he finds a job and starts paying for it himself."
"Aiden was hurt upon knowing what his dad did."
"My husband was livid when he found out."
"He called me unhinged and said that I was separating the boys and teaching Aiden to become selfish and care more about a job than family."
"He also said it was a huge decision for me to rent an apartment without even running it by him."
"He's been giving me hell about it and is calling me a terrible mother for encouraging Aiden to be selfish and self-centered."
"He said I needed to see and understand why he did what he did."
"Few things to mention:"
"My husband says that since he and I have health issues, then we could use Aiden's help."
"When I suggested outside help, my husband refused saying he won't ask anything from anybody and that his son is his problem and nobody else's."
"I used money from our joint account to pay for the rental apartment."
"My husband said it was wrong and that it was a major waste of money since we deal with medical bills consistently."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for getting her son an apartment behind her husband's back.
Everyone agreed that the OP's husband was the one who was "unhinged," and the OP did absolutely the right thing by getting her son out of the house, and giving him his independence, with many even suggesting that the OP should consider getting out of the house as well.
"NTA."
"A 23 year old cannot exist on 'allowance,' and he's not a de-facto caretaker."
"Your husband seems unhinged."
"You did the right thing for your son."- Spare-Article-396
"NTA."
"Hopefully Aiden has changed his password, and maybe even set up a second 'secret' email for job applications in case daddy dearest manages to access the old one in some way."-AggravatingSand8896
"NTA."
"Aiden deserves to have a life of his own."
"You and your husband need to find a better plan to take care of your youngest."
"What if Aiden meets somebody and wants to start his independent life, what next?"
"Your husband will contact his SO to ruin the relationship?"- bizianka
"NTA."
"Your husband is a huge AH and absolutely toxic."
"He exploits Aiden as a caretaker and deliberately ruins his own future and opportunities."
"The only one who is selfish and irresponsible is your husband, and clearly NOT Aiden."
"Do whatever you need to do in order to protect your son and don't let your husband exploit and parentify him further."- realstareyes
"NTA."
"Getting started as a young worker is crucial."
"He could stunt your son's entire life path with this bullsh*t."
"Long-term caregiving is no joke, and can cause major depression, but this is screamingly not the way to deal with the struggle he clearly is either having or worried about having with caring for your other child."- tomjames206
"NTA."
"Your husband is abusive to Aiden and honestly, creepy in his manipulations and insistence on Aiden being Dobby the house elf."- SlinkyMalinky20
"Nta."
"You did so right by your son, and you are a good mother."
"I don't understand why only Aiden can be his brother's caregiver according to your husband, but this is not Aiden's responsibility."
"His is to live his life and actually have one, and your husband's is to find care for his son without ruining his other son's life."
"What your husband did was just wrong, and his outlook is wrong too."- iangel19
"NTA Your husband is crazy."
"It's not Aiden's responsibility to care for his disabled brother at the expense of his own life."
"You and your husband need to look into long-term care options for your disabled son."
"In the meantime thank you so much for being a caring, concerned mother and looking out for Aiden's best interests."- Rude_Vermicelli2268
"NTA - but wtf."
"Your husband is deranged, and you should leave him."
"Your older son has a degree, wants to work and be independent, and your husband is gaslighting him to try to keep him around to support his younger disabled brother?"
"The emotional manipulation is strong with him, and I'd be concerned about what he's capable of."-Aware-Leather2428
"NTA and what your husband is doing is criminal (at least figuratively, but likely literally as well)."
"This is seriously sociopathic behavior, dig into this (on behalf of both sons and yourself) to see what else he's been doing, because impersonating one person to force his way likely doesn't stop there."-JsCTmav
"NTA."
"You are a great parent."
"Your husband is an abusive AH."
"Get a divorce."- Minute_Patient_8841
"Holy f*ck NTA."
"This is beyond controlling behavior."
"Your husband was literally trying to enslave your son to take care of your other son for the rest of his life."
"Aiden should be able to live on his own like anyone else."
"That doesn't mean he doesn't care about his brother, but his brother isn't his burden--it's yours."
"The apartment rental was an excellent quick fix- this gives Aiden the space he needs to become independent and should prevent your husband from doing him dirty again."
"However- -'m not sure how you could continue to live with someone who is so cruel."
"This level of abuse is far above what therapy can solve IMO."
"Divorce him."- DoraTheUrbanExplorer
"NTA."
"Your husband is insane."
"The only selfish and self-centered one is him."
"I'd bet money he's only doing this so he doesn't have to care for his son himself."
"It is not Aidens' job to be a caretaker for his brother for the rest of his life."
"I don't usually jump to 'leave him', but this man is NOT worth your time."
"He betrayed the trust of not only you but the son whose life he tried to ruin."-Keenzur
"NTA."
"What your husband did to Aiden is inexcusable."
"Just how does he expect Aiden to take care of his brother down the line if he's never had a career or any savings?"- LiberateMainSt
It's always a challenge to have a family member who needs round-the-clock care.
However, forcing Aiden into becoming a full-time caregiver was almost destined to cause a permanent rift in the family.
Hopefully, the OP's husband will come to realize that Aiden needs to live his own life, and they will both find a way for their younger son to get the care he needs.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp