Caring for an aging family member can be difficult.
Sometimes, it can be too much for one person to take on alone.
It’s especially grueling when certain family members don’t seem to appreciate the effort or show a complete lack of gratitude.
What is the right course of action?
Redditor Tiffer82 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for refusing to be the main caretaker for my elderly parents?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My parents are both in their 80s and live about two hours from me.”
“For reference, I have a sibling that lives right down the road from them.”
“Neither of them have aged well- they always refused to be active and have lived very sedentary lives in their retirement, so aging has been hard on them.”
“My father especially has struggled with type 2 diabetes and dementia/alzheimers.”
“He is very combative and mean about everything, which is how he has always been, but dementia and old age have made it worse.”
“He directs a lot of his anger towards me and is especially mad that I am trying to get them to move into assisted living because they fall constantly and need so much help.”
“Anytime he disagrees with me about anything, he starts screaming and calling me names, including ‘fat-a** and ‘the thing.’”
“’The thing’ hurts especially hard because I am his daughter, and he is reducing me to something that is hardly human.”
“He will say ‘don’t look at the thing over there, she’s so ugly she might break your face’ or just ridiculous stuff.”
“He does this when he is completely lucid and remembering everything/everyone.”
“Or he will say ‘don’t feed the thing,’ when my mom tries to offer me food.”
“I tried so hard to ignore this treatment, but once he did it in front of my kids, I put my foot down and stopped visiting.”
“My mother now wants me to come to her 3+ times a week to help with cooking, cleaning, helping dress my father, etc.”
“I have said no because the way he treats me is terrible, and I have to look out for my own well being.”
“She says I just need to ignore it because he is old and grumpy.”
“She says I take things too personally and am obligated to help them because they raised me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA for saying they need either a full-time nurse or assisted living?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
“And the sibling down the road is male?”
“I’m guessing.”
“You don’t have to put up with meanness to be a good daughter.”
“Tell your mom their options with you – CLEARLY!!!”
“If she agrees, good.”
“If not, don’t argue; just keep referring her back to your options. NTA.” ~ Fit-Bumblebee-6420
“NTA. Protect your own sanity and your children’s mental health.” ~ Maximum-Company2719
“If your dad hates you so much, your brother can pick up the slack then.”
“If he won’t, then that’s on your dad for being such an a**.”
“Take care of yourself and your family. Family doesn’t treat you badly.”
“Relatives can, family won’t, and your mum enabling him and disregarding your feelings is awful.”
“Just because someone shares your DNA, doesn’t give them any right to be so cruel.”
“You don’t have to be around them.” ~ Zanki
“Don’t do it.”
“My grandparents refused to hire help or go to assisted living, and I was expected to be the one to help them after college because I was the only one living at home with a job I could quit.”
“No one told my Uncle (six-figure job, child-free) or my Aunt (retired, child-free) to help; they wanted the unqualified 22-year-old with a full-time job to make the sacrifices.”
“They never paid me and complained about everything I ever did.”
“No matter how much you love them, it’s not worth your sanity or well-being.” ~ friendlymouse43218
“Tale as old as time.”
“My mother’s older brother was the golden child for her mother when they got elderly, even though he hated her and wouldn’t go near the house.”
“My mother and one of her younger brothers spent years looking after my grandparents and got little thanks from her.”
“She could be outright nasty (she wasn’t a nice woman).”
“She did it for my dearly beloved (and missed) grandfather.” ~ PurplePlodder1945
“My dad is a grumpy, almost 80-year-old man.”
“He complains about grocery prices, the weather, his socks not being the right color… His family?”
“The most he’s done over the last few years is tell my daughter to be clever and say yes when he offers her some extra cash (she obviously refused; he wants to make sure his grandbaby has some pocket money).”
“He complains about going to the doctors, but let’s us help him… or when he feels alright tells us to get out and go have some fun.”
“The man is grumpy. Not mean.”
“I’m sorry you have to deal with that.”
“And we do have an idea of getting them into assisted living whenever they cannot be on their own.”
“That’s their plan. We just follow orders.”
“But for the time being, we go and help them with whatever they want, even if it’s just putting groceries away.” ~ Status-Thing-118
“They raised you because they chose to have you and kept you.”
“That comes with their choice.”
“They also clearly aren’t choosing to treat you like a person worthy of respect.”
“Which you, of course, are.”
“Don’t put yourself in places where you know people will try to make you feel bad about yourself.”
“Life is too short.” ~ Suspiciouscupcake23
“NTA. Your sibling can help.”
“I hate people who pull the ‘I raised you’ card.”
“We didn’t ask to be brought into this world.”
“Raising us was their obligation.” ~ Harry_Smutter
“NTA. Yes, definitely put boundaries in place for your own well-being.”
“You are not obligated to take care of them just because they’re your elderly parents.”
“Your father sounds downright abusive.”
“And your mother allows him to abuse you.”
“Let them consider their options… without you being one of them.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA- there are consequences to actions and these are theirs.”
“He’s not nit-picking your cooking, he’s being incredibly hurtful and then expecting you to drive 2 hours for more abuse.”
“Let him terrorize people who are at least paid for it.” ~ SunshineShoulders87
“NTA. Your mom is worse than your dad.” ~ jstbecauseuknow
“Let me tighten up your post.”
“’Am I the a-hole for refusing to sacrifice my life so my abuser can have greater access and abuse me more conveniently?’”
“No. You are NTA.” ~ BryonyVaughn
“YOU get to set your terms, not your parents.”
“If they can afford it, they can either have a caretaker come in every day or else they can go into assisted living.”
“There’s all different levels of care, and it’s all very expensive, unfortunately.”
“What they can’t do is harass you into being around such a jerk as your dad.”
“I would’ve bailed years ago since it’s not caused by dementia. NTA.” ~ REDDIT
“NTA. I have had to deal with my mother and her demands for years.”
“Nobody else was allowed to take her shopping, to medical appointments, and on visits.”
“She ended up staying in hospital overnight after a minor operation because she refused to have anyone else but look after her, and I wasn’t available.”
“The best thing we ever did was put my mother in a home.”
“She is so much healthier physically, and her mental health has improved as well.”
“I am far less stressed, have time for myself, and have far fewer migraines.”
“Write out a list of options for your parents that you are comfortable with.”
“Stick to these options.”
“If this means your sibling who lives closer has to help, then so be it. I can not stress enough, do not be manipulated into sacrificing your health and happiness for your parents if they are not prepared to negotiate a suitable solution.” ~ Gnarly_314
“NTA. This isn’t your responsibility.”
“This is a natural consequence of behavior committed by your father and permitted by your mother.”
“When they chose to have children, they accepted the job of raising them.”
“That’s not a debt you owe them.”
“That was their obligation.” ~ kcpirana
“No, Nope, Absolutely NOT. NTA.”
“Don’t consider it.”
“Stick to what you have told them and what you are willing to help them do.”
“I especially take umbrage at the idea that you are to ignore his inhumane, disgusting, hurtful comments because he’s ‘old and grumpy.”
“No. No, you DON’T have to put up with him.”
“You can point out that they have a kid who lives right up the road.”
“Also, the way these stories usually end is that the parents will say the kid up the road gets everything, and the caregiver kid doesn’t even get a ‘Thanks, kid.'” ~ RavenRaving
“NTA. You do not owe them ANYTHING!!!”
“They chose to have kids and raise them.”
“I hate when people use that argument to try to browbeat their kids into helping them/paying for things/etc.” ~ beneficialmirror13
“NTA. He treats you horribly.”
“I am so sorry you had to endure him.”
“Good for you for going no contact!” ~ arcticfox_12
“NTA. You don’t owe them anything.” ~ Proud-Geek1019
“I want to say I agree with everything everyone is saying NTA all the way.”
“You deserve to be treated with respect, full stop.”
“I wanted to add that, given your father’s mental issues, you are actually the worst caretaker for him; an unrelated person (like a nurse aide or nursing home aide) wouldn’t cause him anger, which in his current state is impossible for him to control.”
“Agitation isn’t good for people with his condition.”
“I don’t know if the argument will be at all helpful in convincing your mom, but I figured it was worth mentioning in case it was.”
“Best wishes.” ~ Wandering_Scholar6
“Nope, you do not have to put up with this.”
“My mom did, and to be honest, I still hate her for it.”
“My grandfather was a real piece of work, and what he did to her, he tried to do to me (F[emale]).”
“Turns out boomers really dont like to be told to f**k off on a daily basis. NTA.”
“Your parents can pound sand.” ~ crazstiz
“NTA. You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep these people warm.”
“My MIL’s family was resistant to put her in a home, but she actually ate on schedule and took her meds on schedule in the home.”
“She could hold longer conversations while she was there.”
“She passed away peacefully.”
“Granted, it was not in her home, but she was surrounded by care.”
“It was a group home for the elderly that her in town children could visit often.”
“There are senior helper services and home health aides that can come help with the tasks your mother wants, but again, if your father is falling often, he needs a higher level of care.”
“How convenient your brother is just down the street.” ~ EquivalentTwo1
“Your father is Abusive. 🔥🔥🔥THIS IS ABUSE!🔥🔥🔥”
“Just because he is old and demented does not give him the right to talk to you like that.”
“Call the county/city senior social services by your parents and get them to give you a hand in finding a care company to come and do the things your mom wants you to do.”
“You can’t travel to them and then be treated that way.”
“If your brother and his family don’t want to help, and your parents don’t want to move,e then an age-in-place plan needs to happen.”
“Senior services are social programs open to all seniors in the US.”
“Canada, I know, has something very similar to.”
“But either way, your father’s behavior towards you is abusive and not okay.” ~ yukibunny
“NTA. Tell mom that you aren’t going to be treated like he treats you.”
“And you aren’t going to listen to her help with the emotional abuse of you.”
“It’s not just because he’s old and grumpy; it seems to be because he’s a mean-spirited man who never wanted a daughter.”
“If she can’t take care of him, put him in a home.” ~ wlfwrtr
“NTA, you don’t have to put up with your dad’s abusive behavior for ANY REASON!!!” ~ Commercial-Place6793
OP came back with an update…
“Thank you all so much for your feedback, advice, and commiserations.”
“I am going to tell them they need assisted living or an in-home nurse, but it is not me anymore.”
“I do want to also add that while my father does have dementia, this mean and cruel behavior and my mother’s behavior is not new, they have always been this way with me, my father just has less restraint in his old age.”
Reddit is overwhelmingly on your side, OP.
You don’t deserve this kind of behavior.
There is only so much one person can take.
You have to put yourself and your own family first.
Maybe you should talk to your sibling and hash out your parent’s future.