Parents of children with a severe disability have to think of the future in a way other parents don't.
What will happen to their child when they are unable to care for them any longer?
If there are other children, should they be expected to take over in-home care for their sibling?
A woman grappling with this issue in her husband's family turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SecretAmbassador1979 asked:
"AITA for not consenting to my husband's twin brother moving in with us?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I got married less than a year ago. For most of our relationship one of our biggest issues and cause of arguments has been his family."
"My husband has a large family and—including half-siblings—he is 1 of 12 children. This includes his twin brother, Sam, who has autism. One of his younger brothers also has autism, but is more independent."
"Previously, before we married, one of my husband's brothers moved in with us for 8 months. I knew going into it that it was going to be temporary and therefore okayed it. However, I made clear then that his family members staying with us wasn't really ideal for me."
"Both of my husband's autistic brothers have spent most of their lives living with their grandpa."
"Their dad passed away and their mom has been out of the picture for a long time. They were raised by their grandpa and his wife—now ex-wife—since around 7 years old."
"However, back in 2018 they decided it was no longer appropriate for Sam to live with their grandpa due to his higher care needs."
"Sam moved in with their oldest sister and has lived there ever since. Sam is mostly non-verbal and although he has some independence skills, he needs help with everyday tasks and shouldn't really be left home alone for more than an hour."
"My SIL's youngest child left home early last year and she's now planning to move in with her eldest son and her grandkids about an hour away. She can only do this if she can find a new home for Sam."
"Recently, my husband came to me and told me he wanted Sam to move in with us. He argued we have the space, and he has the time to look after Sam—he works from home and it's pretty flexible."
"He thinks as Sam's twin it's his duty to be the one to take Sam in. He also said their sister is still going to be spending a lot of time with Sam."
"I feel bad, but I told him I didn't want Sam to live with us. This would be a long-term living arrangement, not temporary like his other brother."
"I told him he should have told me before marriage that he would be wanting his brother to live with us. I feel because he didn't, it's my right to say no now."
"This is a big change that will affect the rest of the foreseeable future and our future plans of starting a family of our own."
"Yesterday, my husband and I were at my SIL's home discussing Sam's future and I told her I didn't want Sam to move in with us. I suggested to her if she stayed in her house to look after Sam, my husband and I can try to be a bigger help to her."
"She became annoyed with me after that and complained she's been looking after her younger siblings since kindergarten, became a teen mom and raised 7 kids of her own, and she can finally now have the time to do what she wants."
"I expressed my opinion that she was being cold to Sam who is incredibly attached to her, I could see him getting very depressed living away from her."
"She got mad at me after that. Although my husband said he would only take Sam in with my consent, I can tell he's going to hold it against me if I don't."
"Am I being the a**hole?"
"I think they're being very short sighted about Sam's future and all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home."
"I think it should be and there are places in our area that could be an option. However, pretty much all the siblings are against it for a variety of reasons."
"Their sister is the most open to it, but I know she fears because Sam is non-verbal it would be harder to know what's going on behind close doors and is worried about him possibly being abused or neglected."
The OP summed up their situation.
"Not giving my husband permission for his twin brother to move in with us despite his wishes and upsetting his sister with my belief her home is the best place for him."
"Arguably makes me an ahole because my husband feels like it's his duty as a twin to look after his brother and their sister does deserve the help."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment of the OP.
"If all the siblings are opposed to a group home, then they can take care of Sam. You provided a reasonable alternative suggestion—which you are not even required to do—and they shot it down."
"None of any of this is your problem. However, at the same time, I don't know how is it possible for you to have a healthy marriage still as long as Sam is in the picture, whether you take him in or not." ~ EssentiaLillie
"Really good group homes can have the benefit of friendships and even romantic relationships based upon the level of the resident's disability."
"If you were worried about abuse while he is in there, the best thing that you can do is visit him frequently. Some really good group homes allow you to put a camera in the room so that you can check on the resident when you can't be there physically."
"I represent a young woman who is completely comatose. Her family is worried, but no one lives close by."
"The facility where she is cared for has allowed them to put cameras in her room and her bathroom so that they can check on what's occurring with her anytime they want to review the footage."
"There are plenty of facilities out there." ~ Particular_Fig5152
"NTA. But only for the question you asked. He should have let you know earlier in the relationship if he had plans for his brother to move in. Maybe you should have asked him sooner, too."
"However, YTA for trying to manipulate and guilt trip the sister into continuing to be the main caregiver." ~ woowdiewoop
"OP, depending on where you are, there should be programs/funding available to support your brother, especially if his needs are that significant. These typically include someone who is assigned to coordinate and monitor the services."
"In the US, the types and levels of services depend on your state. Do a search for local Developmental Disability services."
"NTA. Passing him along from family member to family member isn't necessarily doing him any favors. He needs to develop a life of his own."
"Does he go to a day program or have other social opportunities? I don't know your age, but are you planning to build a family of your own? Caring for a baby and an adult with major support needs is not an easy undertaking." ~ Moleta1978
"I had total empathy until you tried to shame another person into something you yourself wouldn't do in order to remove pressure from yourself and your husband. That was awful behavior. YTA." ~ chatgat
"How much care does your BIL need? Would he qualify for any sort of group home placement?"
"You say all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home. They are struggling with the toddler's dilemma. They want two mutually exclusive things. They don't want the brother in a 'home' but apparently don't want to step up and take him in either."
"I suspect that if you and your husband perished in a car accident tomorrow, the brother would be in a home by the weekend."
"Your in-laws need to 'own their wants'. IF they want their brother living with a family member, then they each need to be willing to take him in. If they aren't, then they need to abstain from voting or agree to him living in a care home."
"I'm going with ESH. Your husband's family is putting you in an awful, unfair position. I'm wondering, perhaps unfairly, that the plan all along was for you and your husband to be his caretakers after you were married."
"I really hope I'm wrong about that, but it's hard not to wonder."
"But you crossed the line when you tried to bully/guilt your SIL into continuing to take care of him after she's sacrificed seven years already. That was really despicable."
"You say 'I can tell he's going to hold it against me if I don't'. This is the crux of the problem. If he's going to continue to hold this against you if you don't and YOU will undoubtably hold it against him if you do, this is a no win situation."
"The two of you need to find a PROFESSIONAL marriage counselor ASAP. You also need a family meeting with a professional counselor skilled in supporting families with a disabled family member." ~ celticmusebooks
While people agreed the OP didn't sign up to become a caretaker for her disabled brother-in-law, they disagreed with her decision to push her sister-in-law to continue to provide the same care she refused to provide.
The attempts by the OP to guilt and shame her sister-in-law were widely criticized.
It sounds like this family needs to make some realistic, informed decisions about their brother's long-term care.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp