Parents of children with a severe disability have to think of the future in a way other parents don’t.
What will happen to their child when they are unable to care for them any longer?
If there are other children, should they be expected to take over in-home care for their sibling?
A woman grappling with this issue in her husband’s family turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
SecretAmbassador1979 asked:
“AITA for not consenting to my husband’s twin brother moving in with us?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My husband and I got married less than a year ago. For most of our relationship one of our biggest issues and cause of arguments has been his family.”
“My husband has a large family and—including half-siblings—he is 1 of 12 children. This includes his twin brother, Sam, who has autism. One of his younger brothers also has autism, but is more independent.”
“Previously, before we married, one of my husband’s brothers moved in with us for 8 months. I knew going into it that it was going to be temporary and therefore okayed it. However, I made clear then that his family members staying with us wasn’t really ideal for me.”
“Both of my husband’s autistic brothers have spent most of their lives living with their grandpa.”
“Their dad passed away and their mom has been out of the picture for a long time. They were raised by their grandpa and his wife—now ex-wife—since around 7 years old.”
“However, back in 2018 they decided it was no longer appropriate for Sam to live with their grandpa due to his higher care needs.”
“Sam moved in with their oldest sister and has lived there ever since. Sam is mostly non-verbal and although he has some independence skills, he needs help with everyday tasks and shouldn’t really be left home alone for more than an hour.”
“My SIL’s youngest child left home early last year and she’s now planning to move in with her eldest son and her grandkids about an hour away. She can only do this if she can find a new home for Sam.”
“Recently, my husband came to me and told me he wanted Sam to move in with us. He argued we have the space, and he has the time to look after Sam—he works from home and it’s pretty flexible.”
“He thinks as Sam’s twin it’s his duty to be the one to take Sam in. He also said their sister is still going to be spending a lot of time with Sam.”
“I feel bad, but I told him I didn’t want Sam to live with us. This would be a long-term living arrangement, not temporary like his other brother.”
“I told him he should have told me before marriage that he would be wanting his brother to live with us. I feel because he didn’t, it’s my right to say no now.”
“This is a big change that will affect the rest of the foreseeable future and our future plans of starting a family of our own.”
“Yesterday, my husband and I were at my SIL’s home discussing Sam’s future and I told her I didn’t want Sam to move in with us. I suggested to her if she stayed in her house to look after Sam, my husband and I can try to be a bigger help to her.”
“She became annoyed with me after that and complained she’s been looking after her younger siblings since kindergarten, became a teen mom and raised 7 kids of her own, and she can finally now have the time to do what she wants.”
“I expressed my opinion that she was being cold to Sam who is incredibly attached to her, I could see him getting very depressed living away from her.”
“She got mad at me after that. Although my husband said he would only take Sam in with my consent, I can tell he’s going to hold it against me if I don’t.”
“Am I being the a**hole?”
“I think they’re being very short sighted about Sam’s future and all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home.”
“I think it should be and there are places in our area that could be an option. However, pretty much all the siblings are against it for a variety of reasons.”
“Their sister is the most open to it, but I know she fears because Sam is non-verbal it would be harder to know what’s going on behind close doors and is worried about him possibly being abused or neglected.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“Not giving my husband permission for his twin brother to move in with us despite his wishes and upsetting his sister with my belief her home is the best place for him.”
“Arguably makes me an ahole because my husband feels like it’s his duty as a twin to look after his brother and their sister does deserve the help.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors were divided in their judgment of the OP.
“If all the siblings are opposed to a group home, then they can take care of Sam. You provided a reasonable alternative suggestion—which you are not even required to do—and they shot it down.”
“None of any of this is your problem. However, at the same time, I don’t know how is it possible for you to have a healthy marriage still as long as Sam is in the picture, whether you take him in or not.” ~ EssentiaLillie
“Really good group homes can have the benefit of friendships and even romantic relationships based upon the level of the resident’s disability.”
“If you were worried about abuse while he is in there, the best thing that you can do is visit him frequently. Some really good group homes allow you to put a camera in the room so that you can check on the resident when you can’t be there physically.”
“I represent a young woman who is completely comatose. Her family is worried, but no one lives close by.”
“The facility where she is cared for has allowed them to put cameras in her room and her bathroom so that they can check on what’s occurring with her anytime they want to review the footage.”
“There are plenty of facilities out there.” ~ Particular_Fig5152
“NTA. But only for the question you asked. He should have let you know earlier in the relationship if he had plans for his brother to move in. Maybe you should have asked him sooner, too.”
“However, YTA for trying to manipulate and guilt trip the sister into continuing to be the main caregiver.” ~ woowdiewoop
“OP, depending on where you are, there should be programs/funding available to support your brother, especially if his needs are that significant. These typically include someone who is assigned to coordinate and monitor the services.”
“In the US, the types and levels of services depend on your state. Do a search for local Developmental Disability services.”
“NTA. Passing him along from family member to family member isn’t necessarily doing him any favors. He needs to develop a life of his own.”
“Does he go to a day program or have other social opportunities? I don’t know your age, but are you planning to build a family of your own? Caring for a baby and an adult with major support needs is not an easy undertaking.” ~ Moleta1978
“I had total empathy until you tried to shame another person into something you yourself wouldn’t do in order to remove pressure from yourself and your husband. That was awful behavior. YTA.” ~ chatgat
“How much care does your BIL need? Would he qualify for any sort of group home placement?”
“You say all the siblings have flat out refused him going into a home. They are struggling with the toddler’s dilemma. They want two mutually exclusive things. They don’t want the brother in a ‘home’ but apparently don’t want to step up and take him in either.”
“I suspect that if you and your husband perished in a car accident tomorrow, the brother would be in a home by the weekend.”
“Your in-laws need to ‘own their wants’. IF they want their brother living with a family member, then they each need to be willing to take him in. If they aren’t, then they need to abstain from voting or agree to him living in a care home.”
“I’m going with ESH. Your husband’s family is putting you in an awful, unfair position. I’m wondering, perhaps unfairly, that the plan all along was for you and your husband to be his caretakers after you were married.”
“I really hope I’m wrong about that, but it’s hard not to wonder.”
“But you crossed the line when you tried to bully/guilt your SIL into continuing to take care of him after she’s sacrificed seven years already. That was really despicable.”
“You say ‘I can tell he’s going to hold it against me if I don’t’. This is the crux of the problem. If he’s going to continue to hold this against you if you don’t and YOU will undoubtably hold it against him if you do, this is a no win situation.”
“The two of you need to find a PROFESSIONAL marriage counselor ASAP. You also need a family meeting with a professional counselor skilled in supporting families with a disabled family member.” ~ celticmusebooks
While people agreed the OP didn’t sign up to become a caretaker for her disabled brother-in-law, they disagreed with her decision to push her sister-in-law to continue to provide the same care she refused to provide.
The attempts by the OP to guilt and shame her sister-in-law were widely criticized.
It sounds like this family needs to make some realistic, informed decisions about their brother’s long-term care.