No matter what any parent or guardian tries to say about it, parenting is hard, and no one is going to be absolutely perfect at it.
But some parents are really delusional about how well they think they've done, cringed the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor AITATA2124 was sick of living in his parents' home where they prioritized his older brother's needs and wanted a fresh start somewhere new.
When his parents kept accusing him of being selfish and ungrateful about all they had done for him when he wanted to go off to college, the Original Poster (OP) decided it was time to speak up about their parenting.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my parents they were bad parents to me?"
The OP didn't have a positive relationship with his brother.
"I (19 Male) have an autistic brother (20 Male). He's fairly manipulative because he realized pretty quickly that the threat of a meltdown would get him his way every single time."
"He is considered high functioning by medical personnel, but he's got my parents convinced he just doesn't understand what he's doing, and they don't ever punish him. Doctors have told them that he understands and that he knows what he's doing. They think they know better."
"They also expect me to revolve my entire life around him. I was never able to do anything I wanted because it upset his routine."
"I wanted to play a sport? Nope, I had to think about his routine. I wanted to get a job? Nope, his routine. Friends? Yeah, forget about that."
"I tried not to be resentful, but I am."
His parents accused him of being selfish when he wanted a fresh start of his own.
"The problem: My parents are flipping out because I plan to move several states away and in with my grandparents soon to attend college."
"They keep trying to guilt me into staying because of my brother."
"I usually just say that I'm sorry that they feel that way, but I'm still going."
The OP finally had to put his parents in their place.
"Well here's where I might be the a**hole."
"My mother was going on and on about how the world doesn't revolve around me and how I was being really selfish and how I was going to ruin my brother by doing this."
"She said how they'd always been the best parents they could be to both of us and we both got equal attention."
"I got frustrated and told her that she was delusional if she thought she or my father were ever good parents to me. They made my life revolve around my brother's, I had nothing of my own, and he had to be the center of everything."
"I said he wasn't the center of the universe, even though she tried to make him it."
"I told her that the only people who were selfish were her and my father because they actively ignored me in favor of babying my brother, who played them like a fiddle to make sure he always got his way."
"I told her that his routine was not my problem, that it was up to them to make the appropriate adjustments, and asked if she really thought I'd just not live my life because of him."
The OP's parents were furious with him.
"She started crying, and I walked off and shut myself in my room."
"My father is demanding an apology for what I said, but I'm refusing."
"My grandpa said he's proud that I stood up for myself, but my parents are still demanding an apology for being an a**hole."
"I don't think I need to give them one."
"AITA here?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were happy for the OP for speaking up for himself.
"NTA. High 5, virtual applause, and a standing ovation. I was literally fist-pumping reading what you told your mom. Good for you."
"There is nothing to apologize for. You told her the truth." - v2den
"You have absolutely nothing to apologize for. You're a teenager, and you deserve to do teenager things like play sports or get a job and especially hang out with friends. You deserve your own life and to try new things."
"Congrats for standing up to them and best of luck for college." - olive_maths
"The job thing absolutely appalled me. If I was the parent of a teen and they said they wanted a job, I'd be f**king thrilled."
"It sounds like they expect OP to be the brother's carer when mom and dad get too old."
"Not letting OP have friends is just WTF. These parents are straight-up delusional for thinking they were good parents to OP." - PillowOfCarnage
"I'm sure wanting a backup carer is why the parents are now freaking out. Out-of-state school means an out-of-state life... which means they no longer have a live-in and submissive caretaker for him."
"Good for you, OP. I'm so glad you took charge of your own life before it was too late and at a much younger age than most people. Best of luck to you!"
"And NTA!" - chaichaibaby
"If you have abusive parents, you know they absolutely can pull stuff like this. My abusive mom told me I would struggle to learn to drive and tried to talk me out of it. I ended up waiting a year to get my license because she made me believe it would be too hard."
"Good parents don't do this. They instead encourage age-appropriate independence and help their kids get to a point where they don't rely on them."
"OP, you're 19! Your mom doesn't want you to go to school?! Honestly, just saying that, without everything else involved, will make most people do a double-take."
"You didn't have kids. It's nice if you can help out with your brother every once in a while, but he's your parents' responsibility. They had him."
"It's a factor all responsible people consider when they decide to have kids: what happens if the kid has a debilitating disability or illness and I have to care for them forever?"
"This isn't on you. Go to school, for f**k's sake."
"Oh, and ask your parents if they honestly believe it's normal or healthy to want to stop their 19-year-old from getting an education. I'd love to hear what bulls**t they come up with." - anonympushover
Others regretted what the OP's parents had also taught his older brother.
"If the brother is high functioning autistic, why is he not being set up to be mostly independent? Autism does not mean a person can't live on their own or achieve some level of independence if they are high functioning. Sounds like the parents are doing a disservice to both kids." - JaxAndMia
"The saddest thing about this is that they did OP's brother just as dirty, only in a different way."
"If he's high functioning, then he potentially could be living on his own now, but they fostered dependency instead of encouraging growth."
"Good luck reversing it now, though. At 20, the damage is likely done. I used to work with developmentally disabled adults and I've seen this s**t more times than I can count." - Vilnius_Nastavnik
"My grandson has Asperger's and he will graduate this summer even taking some advanced classes. He even joined the track team."
"The parents won't live forever and their parenting will ensure that OP will have a hard time getting over the resentment to care for him."
"Also, if he is high functioning, why would he not push for more independence? If he could have and didn't, then the joke is on him when he has to live in-patient at a facility." - cutiepatutie614
"I know a guy in his upper 40s that is a high functioning autistic, and he is the worst a**hole ever. He manipulates everyone into thinking he is the victim and giving him special favors, and it's how he survives, on handouts from anyone who feels sorry for him."
"He doesn't have a job, has family 'caring' for him, and all he does is sit at home all day playing video games and manipulating people."
"If you do ever meet the guy, he is such a bully that he will push and push until you give in, with a constant temper tantrum nonstop, even going to others to push you to give in."
"My mistake early on was buying into the guy's crap and feeling sorry for him and trying to 'help' him from a nursing perspective. I'm so glad I blocked him and walked away from that one-way user's friendship. I hope OP can do the same." - TennaTelwan
"I have a lot of experience with disabled adults. My uncle is developmentally delayed, and I have been around his friends my whole life."
"My uncle is not capable of living a 'normal' life, but there are definitely things he does to make life easier. His friend will never be capable of living alone or caring for certain needs, but he works part-time at a Tim Hortons as a cleaner, he goes out on his own to the park and the grocery store, and he enjoys taking the bus independently to his activities."
"And this man would not be classified as 'high functioning' (which technically doesn't get used anymore, but old habits)."
"The parents have basically coached the older son into being dependent. Of course he is going to act up if he doesn't get his way; it has worked his entire life, so why change?"
"Did the parents really expect life to never change? It's true people who have a disability do not react well to change. But the majority of people who care for adults with disabilities will help them cope with change and give them strategies, rather than set an expectation that things will always be the same."
"Change is inevitable, and I'm appalled they tried to stunt OP's life rather than help the older son cope. NTA, OP." - Bi-Bi-Bi24
The subReddit was so glad the OP had stood up for himself and was going to be creating physical distance between himself and his immediate family by continuing his education out-of-state.
While in another situation, it would have been lovely to see the OP wanting to be there for his brother when and if the need arose, limiting his life "just in case" was hardly the route his parents should have taken.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp