Who goes where for which holiday is a discussion most couples need to have. Both partners are bringing their individual family traditions into the mix, and what used to work for one partner may not be something the other wants to continue doing.
A woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over his fiancé’s family's assumption that his single life Thanksgiving tradition would continue once he was engaged and they were living together.
BubblyOutkast1515 asked:
"AITA for asking that my fiancé’s family rotate who hosts Thanksgiving?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My fiancé and I have lived together for almost two years. Before we got together, he typically hosted Thanksgiving in his old apartment because he was single and didn’t have children. He and his mom also enjoy cooking together as a way to bond, and his mom doesn’t get along with his older brother’s wife."
"We hosted Thanksgiving at our new shared apartment last year, and it was honestly a lot for me. His mom stayed with us for about four days, we paid to have the apartment professionally cleaned, he and his mom essentially took over the kitchen, and we had multiple guests in our home for hours. By the end of it, Thanksgiving felt more like work than a holiday to me."
"This year, I told my fiancé that I think hosting Thanksgiving should be a shared family responsibility rather than something that automatically falls on us every year. I asked whether his brother could host this time since their mom is the one traveling from out of town."
"There wasn’t a huge argument about it, but I did get pushback. The reasoning was that because his mom doesn’t get along with his sister-in-law, having his brother host isn’t ideal. I was also told that since his mom isn’t local, it’s logistically easier for my fiancé to host Thanksgiving for the entire family like he has in the past."
"My issue is that this is now our new shared home, not his old bachelor pad. I pay half the rent, and I feel like my opinion should carry equal weight when it comes to having overnight guests and hosting a large family gathering.
"I’m not saying his family shouldn’t celebrate together or that his mom shouldn’t visit. I just don’t think our apartment should automatically be the Thanksgiving location every year because that was the tradition before we became a couple, got engaged, and now live together."
"The way it’s being framed makes me feel like I’m disrupting a family tradition by asking someone else to host this year."
"AITA for asking that Thanksgiving be hosted somewhere else this year?"
OP later added:
"We moved into the new apartment once getting engaged, so the apartment being discussed is a new space for all of us."
"Regarding the hosting responsibilities: I’m assisting financially, the last year it was hosted at his apartment when we were not engaged, I paid $300+ for wine & spirits. Last year (the first year it was hosted at our new apartment), I paid for the cleaning service & for wine/spirits."
"Yes, the brother and his wife (discussed DIL) attend the Thanksgiving celebration. So the mom and DIL can coexist for a few hours."
"Why his mom and her DIL don’t get along are the typical things: don’t agree with parenting style, thinks the son could do better than her, etc..."
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"Looks like mom isn't going to get along with the wives of either son." ~ watch4coconuts
"SHOCKED that someone who comes and stays for DAYS and takes over the home to host a stupid holiday wouldn't get along with a DIL." ~ lovelyladylox
"As soon as I read that she doesn’t get along with the brother’s wife, all the danger alarms were sounding." ~ KerleyQ-
"And that she can't even tolerate her DIL for a couple days during a major family holiday, and then insists that her other son (and his fiancée) take on all the work and inconveniences." ~ SallyThinks
"NTA, but welcome to holidays as an adult. They ARE just more work. It does sound, however, like you aren't expected to do much other than have the guests in your space. Home is professionally cleaned, husband and mom make dinner. Entertaining is a lot of work but the cleaning and cooking are what make it awful." ~ MyLastFuckingNerve
"It sounds like she is overwhelmed and overstimulated by all of the people constantly around. I get it 100%. If I were OP, sit back and let them take over, and they need to do the cleanup too. You do not need to be 'on' and tending to everyone’s needs at all times."
"Go hide in your bedroom to decompress when you need to.My husband’s family is huge. Every holiday or gathering is alot. I help a lot too though, but it’s never at our home because it’s way too small. I do go and hide when I need to, and no one has an issue with it." ~ Lissypooh628
"Agreed! But I would add on to actually sit down and tell husband that it is too much for you and this is why you will be participating minimally. This way it doesn't come back later in an argument about why she's not helping." ~ mojo_sapien
"When I learned I could disappear and close the door for a couple hours instead of staying in the middle of the 10 different yelling matches the whole time- game changer. I like my family much more when I’m allowed to run away." ~ TWeedtheJetRodriguez
"Lots of us are overstimulated during the holidays, we suck it up and get on with it like adults." ~ mousypaws
"Or we realize that sucking it up destroys all the warmth and connection we’re supposedly building during the holidays, and we speak up for compromises that allow us to genuinely enjoy the ‘good times'."
"OP needs to think through what she’s missing during this hectic Thanksgiving ritual, and identify ways to get those needs met." ~ Amiedeslivres
"You feel like you're disrupting a family tradition because that's exactly what you're doing. Which doesn't necessarily make you the a**hole, but it IS going to affect your relationship with your fiance and your future family." ~ LateForDinner61
"Traditions have to adapt and change when family changes." ~ Peasplease25
"And rotating is an easy reasonable compromise." ~ anthrohands
"Good moves on professional cleaners, and it sounds like you don't have to do any cooking—the reasoning for hubby and your viewpoint are both valid—however it sounds like something your husband really enjoys doing with his Mom."
"Can you make it more relaxing for yourself? Spa day, time with friends? No one sounds like the AH here to me, however compromising is in order, from who is up to you guys." ~ Smooth-Original-6478
"I agree with this—maybe OP can be out of the house, 'picking something up' that takes a long time, prior engagement with friends, etc... Then show up for dinner."
"And then hopefully not have a disastrous mess left over. Plus OP didn't mention her parents/family. Maybe it's not possible because of distance or something else, but a visit there could also be an excuse." ~ AndiAzalea
"Similarly, fiancé’s family tradition makes no allowance for OP’s input, traditions, preferences, or needs, yet it takes place under her shared roof and utilizes her shared resources."
"So naturally, fiancé (and fam) should expect pushback, too. Which is a good thing! That’s how a new tradition will be forged."
"Unless, of course, one of the conditions to marry into the family is mute submission to all that came before." ~ ErinEIsabella
"I’m confused. Right now they are dating. Does that mean that if they marry and have children, the 'tradition' stays and every Thanksgiving she has to host her in-laws? Does her family get a turn?"
"If she decides it’s too much for her, and she steps out and organizes something else for herself the day of, how will it be perceived by her in-laws? Will she be labeled 'difficult' like the other daughter-in-law seems to be?"
"Relationships take compromise."
"For example, we don’t have Thanksgiving here in my country, but with my husband we agreed every Christmas we would each spend it separately with our own family, until we had a kid, and then Christmas became one year one family, next one the other. Because logistically it did not make sense to move in between families during the holidays."
"Also, you sign up to be in a relationship with a person, that doesn’t mean you have to blindly accept every family 'tradition'. If you make your own little family, you can make your own, new traditions."
"In-laws making it impossible for new members of the family to make their own traditions or 'deviate' from their established norm is why so many of them end up in conflict." ~ Coxal_anomaly
OP said there was pushback, but pushback isn't a no.
They need to figure out how important alternating each year is to them and how important maintaining the status quo is to their significant other.
Humiliated Redditor Ditches Friend's Birthday After She Publicly Mocks Them In Front Of Everyone