The responsibilities of being a guest in someone's home can be a bit confusing.
Many people feel that as someone is being gracious enough to host them, they should put in a bit of an effort with cleaning, cooking and other chores.
Others, on the other hand, have no trouble being treated to everything by their host, with the understanding that they are a guest, not a roommate or a tenant.
These expectations can be even more confusing for the one hosting.
Redditor had become the go to host for Thanksgiving, with their siblings coming from out of town to join the original poster (OP) and their sister.
While the OP enjoyed hosting, the sheer cost of doing so was becoming more and more of a burden.
With this in mind, the OP contemplated making their sibling's involvement in this year's thanksgiving a little bit different.
Wondering if this would be out of line, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for asking my siblings to contribute to Thanksgiving this year?"
The OP explained why they hoped they might have a bit more support from their siblings than they had in Thanksgivings past:
"Background: My sister and I own our family home, we bought it from our parents, and it's where everyone gathers for holidays since its bigger and easier to fit us all."
"One sibling (and SO) lives 5hrs away and another (and SO) flies in from the East Coast."
"They all stay with us to save on a hotel."
"Here's the issue: for the past few years, the ones coming from out of town haven't contributed ANYTHING to Thanksgiving."
"No food, cooking help, or cleaning up afterwards."
"They also expect breakfast, lunch, and or snacks before the main meal."
"I do most of the cooking - SIL does the turkey and rolls, and our mom jumps in towards the end to help, but that's it."
"Meanwhile everyone else is chatting and hanging out."
"After the meal, they all move to the couch while I'm stuck on clean up and desert duty."
"I'll admit, it is my fault for setting the precedent by doing everything myself, but they are all adults."
"Get off your ass and help with something!"
"I understand they are spending money to come see us and its wonderful to see them but its costing me a lot of money and time to host them."
"The sister I share the house with says we shouldn't ask for money cause they are already spending so much to see us but she also doesn't do anything for meals or getting the house ready for guests (she works A LOT so it falls on me to do a lot of it)."
"Would I be the a**hole if I asked them to either chip in some money or to help clean up afterwards?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community agreed that the OP would not be the a**hole for asking their siblings to chip in for this year's Thanksgiving dinner.
While many did agree the OP did complicate matters a little bit by setting the precedent they mentioned, they were also surprised that none of the OP's siblings had even offered to help out in the past, but urged the OP to bring this matter up with their siblings sooner rather than later:
"NTA."
"But, have you considered assigning specific tasks to individuals?"
"'Joe, bring those dishes into the kitchen. Thanks."
"'Mary, you're in charge of xxx this year. Thanks'."
"'James, there's a broom in the closet over there. Sweep up for us. Thanks'."
"If you don't give people specific tasks, they tend not to do anything, assuming you've got it covered."- LabInner262
"NTA."
"Yes, you did set a precedent, but your sister has no room to critique you since she isn't doing the work of hosting either."
"In my family, my mother-in-law creates a spreadsheet and everyone has to sign up for at least two things (one food item and one chore), per person, not couple."
"She lists a bunch of example dishes (appetizers, sides, main dishes) and you can sign up for one of the dishes listed or you can create your own listing."
"She also lists all the chores (setting the table, bringing out food, clearing the table, putting food away, dishes, take trash out, help with child care)."
"It's a family holiday, this is what families do, they help each other."
"It is entirely unreasonable to expect one person to do all the work, especially if you create a list of everything that has to be done to accomplish the holiday."
"If they are not willing to participate like a family, I would honestly stop hosting."
"Tell them they can host it at one of their houses."- DrDeannaTroi
"NTA."
"Assign jobs."
"If they are going to act like children, treat them like children by giving them chores."
"If it's a money thing, fine."
"Don't ask them to purchase things."
"Ask them to DO things."
"Highly recommend giving men their fair distribution of labor too."
"The new precedent starts now."- eowynsheiress
"'Here's the issue: for the past few years, the ones coming from out of town haven't contributed ANYTHING to Thanksgiving. No food, cooking help, or cleaning up afterwards. They also expect breakfast, lunch, and or snacks before the main meal'."
"Ya...that would not fly in my family, lol."
"I am the one coming in from out of town and always contribute to planning, providing side-dish (sometimes the main), cleaning, etc."
"We even host a dinner for everyone at our AirBnB."
"NTA for asking for your family for help."
"Holidays are a big endeavor and should never land on just a couple of people while other able-bodied family members lay around soaking it all in."
"I wouldn't ask, btw."
"I would say, 'we're doing it differently this year, I have a menu and need everyone to sign up for a side dish/dessert of some kind'."
"Then after it's all done and the cleaning needs to begin, go and get those who are kicking back."
"No one gets to just sit when others are working their asses off."
"Tell them 'many hands make light work' and that is 100% true."
"You'll be finished in record time."- IamIrene
"NTA."
"But if you haven't already, communicate with them!"
"Tell them that you're getting overwhelmed doing it mostly on your own, and then assign tasks for people to do!"
"You could even phrase it as a fun bonding activity if you guys don't get to see each other much outside of family meals every so often!"
"What I am saying is, you have to communicate how you feel if you haven't already."
"They can't read your mind after all."- sjwarise
"NTA."
"I am mixed on the money thing."
"Assuming you all want to spend time together, someone will be footing the bill for travel and someone for food."
"It would be worthwhile to figure out if there is a big disparity there."
"Regardless of who pays, the people who do not cook should 100%%%%%% be doing the cleaning."- gcot802
"Instead of telling us, TELL THEM ASAP what the expectations will be the next time they come to visit."
"If they don't contribute food, they will be expected to clean up afterwards."
"NTA."- GirlDad2023_
"NTA."
"Maybe suggest going out to a restaurant and splitting the bill."
"If they ask why, tell them it is just too much on you physically and financially."
"Who could argue with that?"
"Hopefully they'll suggest something they're comfortable with, like helping clean or throwing some cash towards an item."- Shakeit126
"NTA."
"And shame on them for not being grown up enough to offer to help without being asked."
"That being said, you need to ask them to contribute."- Chris45925
"Asking for money up front isn't likely to end well."
"Having said that...there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying (preferably in advance), 'Hey, guys, it takes a lot of work to get the house ready, buy all the food, and do all the cooking - can you handle cleanup after the meal?'"
"At that point, take what you can get - contributions to cover food, help cooking, cleanup, whatever."
"NTA - and good luck."- wesmorgan1
"NTA for asking, but I think you're right to blame yourself for not setting the expectation and asking for help when you needed it."
"Still, it's fine to reset the expectation and to do so early."
"Reach out to the family and just say you need help."
"That doing family Thanksgiving is costly both in time, effort, and money, and you would very much like people to contribute to one or more of those buckets."- inturnaround
The OP isn't wrong in being concerned about asking them for this financial assistance now, when they never asked before.
However, perhaps bringing this up might result in the OP's siblings taking a moment to reflect on their own behavior and how they never offered any help themselves.
Perhaps, appropriately, this also allows them to realize how thankful they should be that the OP is willing to host Thanksgiving year after year.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp