My Mother never enjoyed cooking, so she never really did it. By the time I was seven, I was doing a significant amount of cooking. By age nine, I was doing all of it for my Mother and two Sisters.
This included big holiday meals with extended family. I enjoyed it and did it for years.
But by the time I reached 30, my Sisters were grown up and on their own and my two decades of holiday meals were enough to satisfy my love of cooking. Take out or community meals became the new holiday go to solution.
A sibling whose been hosting holiday meals as a solo effort turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback after deciding he was done.
DogeCommanderRex asked:
“AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after being stuck with it for the past five years?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I (38, male) have been hosting Thanksgiving for my family every year since I bought my house five years ago. This includes my parents, siblings, their spouses, kids, and occasionally extended family.”
“In total, it’s about 20 people.”
“I don’t mind cooking, but the problem is no one ever helps. I do all the grocery shopping, meal prep, cooking, and the massive cleanup afterward.”
“Last year, I asked for help, but everyone either ignored me or gave some lame excuse like, ‘I’m not good in the kitchen’ or ‘I don’t know how to cook’. Meanwhile, they’re sitting around while I’m running around the kitchen all day.”
“After the meal? Same thing. They sit around chatting and drinking while I’m the only one cleaning up.”
“So this year, I said enough is enough. I told them I’m not hosting Thanksgiving.”
“I suggested someone else step up, or we could split the cost of catering. Cue the drama.”
“My siblings flipped out, complaining about how it’s ‘tradition’ for me to host. My mom called me selfish, and my aunt said I was ruining Thanksgiving for the kids because they ‘love coming to my house’.”
“Now, they’re all upset with me, calling me lazy and saying I’m ruining the holiday. Honestly, I’m tired of being treated like their personal chef and cleanup crew every year, but now I feel guilty for putting my foot down.”
“So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I believe I might be the a**hole because I decided to stop hosting Thanksgiving, which has become a family tradition for the past five years, without taking into account how much my family values this tradition.”
“While it’s exhausting for me, my refusal to host this year has upset my family, especially since they see my house as the central gathering place for the holiday. By backing out, I may have disrupted their expectations and disappointed everyone, especially the kids who look forward to it.”
“My actions could come off as selfish or lazy, and I can understand why they feel like I’m ruining the holiday for them.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. Their ‘tradition’ is being catered to by you. They are fighting to keep that alive because all they have to do is show up, be fed, enjoy themselves and go home. You get the cost, cooking, and cleanup.”
“I would start a new tradition, a nice vacation for you over Thanksgiving.” ~ WhereWeretheAdults
“Hold your ground. These people are mean, entitled, and lazy. I wouldn’t take their calls, read their emails or texts, or otherwise engage with them.”
“Either that, or if you do answer, just say ‘I agree. I’m too lazy to clean, shop, cook, set the table, wash all the dishes, and clean up all the mess again after five years in a row of doing everything by myself while the rest of you leaches sit on your a**es and don’t do a damned thing. And now you have the gall to suggest that I’m required to serve you. Why don’t you look in the mirror and see who’s actually lazy and selfish, not to mention entitled, whiney, ungrateful’.”
“NTA.” ~ corgihuntress
“And pay for it all too. They’re a bunch of holiday mooches, aren’t they? NTA.”
“When my ex and I were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) always hosted. Her and my father-in-law (FIL) had the biggest house and she loved Thanksgiving especially.”
“Nine kids plus their spouses and grandkids. Usually around 33 people. At least 3 daughters & daughters-in-law (DILs) would go over a day or so before and do any extra cleaning she wanted done.”
“She made the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, & her special apple pies. The rest of us brought everything else. My assigned dishes were always cheesecake (FIL was a big fan), blueberry muffins, and either sweet potato pie or brussels sprouts.”
“MIL was not allowed to clean up. She got a chair and a cold beer. Clean up was assigned to 4 of the sons and the sons-in-law. It worked beautifully.” ~ Liu1845
“NTA. I’d agree by saying ‘I’ll have everyone over to my house’. Then, when they arrive, and there are no pies baked, no food cooking, no groceries in the kitchen and you didn’t spend days cleaning, just say ‘New Tradition’ and everyone can order pizza.”
“And they can suck it.”
“Your family kinda blows. You’re cordially invited to my family’s Thanksgiving.”
“We trip over each other to help, then eat, clean up and play games and watch football and yell at the TV. Not exciting, but it’s about family and we genuinely like being around each other.” ~ OkEmergency3607
“I lived this nightmare for 10 years. When I finally pulled the plug, everyone was shocked Pikachu face.”
“Since then, I only host close friends. We all cook together and clean up together. It’s wonderful. I recommend you try it.”
“Honestly, feeding the ungrateful is not only exhausting, but infuriating. NTA.” ~ cmooneychi26
“Time for a new tradition. I worked with a woman who said her family’s tradition (her, her husband and one son) was to prepare a turkey dinner, close the curtains, lock the doors, have their meal, and then retire to watch all the football they wanted to.”
“She was a teacher’s aid at an elementary school and her husband was the chief of police at the local University. They’d had enough of extended family and wanted to just enjoy the time with the three of them. Sounds like heaven to me. NTA.” ~ leswill315
“NTA. You can do an immediate-family only dinner and let the rest of the choosy beggars fend for themselves.”
“Or get everyone to chip in $10/person and order take-out or catering. Everything gets eaten on paper plates and with plastic utensils then into a giant trash bag at the end of the night. Boom! Done.”
“Or someone else can step up.”
“Or they can buy entry in with a dish. An actual dish for 20 people, not just buns or some stupid sh*t.”
“Assign everyone a dish and let them know they’ll need to bring it to come in the door. Not even joking. If they want their plate/bowl back, they’ll need to wash it or it becomes yours forever.” ~ thegloracle
“I’d just not respond and not host at ALL, then watch everyone run around like headless turkeys and see how they manage. NTA.”
“I’m Australian, so no Thanksgiving, but my parents had a big, ‘entertaining’ house. All the family would come, trash it, eat all the food, drink all the alchohol and break sh*t then leave the next day.”
“Funny part was, everyone else also had big houses with great entertainment, they just hated hosting.”
“Parents got sick of it one year when brother was 10 and I was 12, just had Christmas with my brother and I, and it’s been like it ever since. Rest of the family basically cut my parents off after that. Life has been better ever since.” ~ meiuimei_
“Last year, I said, ‘I don’t know how it happened but Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday in the world, everyone knows I hate fall, yet somehow I ended up being the Thanksgiving Mother. I rarely if ever see y’all any other holiday. It doesn’t even have to be a holiday. It can be any random weekend’.”
“My son-in-law told me I was selfish and ungrateful for all the sacrifices they make to show up.”
“They haven’t spoken to me since last Thanksgiving.”
“This year, I’ll buy a little smoked turkey breast from Sam’s Club, make a few of my 91-year-old Mama’s favorite sides (she lives with me now), she’ll make a pecan pie, and we will watch the parades together and some football games.” ~ SweetGoonerUSA
The OP provided a response to the feedback they received.
“Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and opinions! I didn’t expect so many responses, and I really appreciate the support and perspectives shared.”
“It’s been reassuring to know I wasn’t being unreasonable in this situation. Thanks again!”
It sounds like OP’s family is going to have to step up and contribute if they want this tradition to continue. If they can’t put in the work, they can’t complain about missing out on the rewards.