My Mother never enjoyed cooking, so she never really did it. By the time I was seven, I was doing a significant amount of cooking. By age nine, I was doing all of it for my Mother and two Sisters.
This included big holiday meals with extended family. I enjoyed it and did it for years.
But by the time I reached 30, my Sisters were grown up and on their own and my two decades of holiday meals were enough to satisfy my love of cooking. Take out or community meals became the new holiday go to solution.
A sibling whose been hosting holiday meals as a solo effort turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after deciding he was done.
DogeCommanderRex asked:
"AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving after being stuck with it for the past five years?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (38, male) have been hosting Thanksgiving for my family every year since I bought my house five years ago. This includes my parents, siblings, their spouses, kids, and occasionally extended family."
"In total, it's about 20 people."
"I don't mind cooking, but the problem is no one ever helps. I do all the grocery shopping, meal prep, cooking, and the massive cleanup afterward."
"Last year, I asked for help, but everyone either ignored me or gave some lame excuse like, 'I'm not good in the kitchen' or 'I don't know how to cook'. Meanwhile, they're sitting around while I'm running around the kitchen all day."
"After the meal? Same thing. They sit around chatting and drinking while I'm the only one cleaning up."
"So this year, I said enough is enough. I told them I'm not hosting Thanksgiving."
"I suggested someone else step up, or we could split the cost of catering. Cue the drama."
"My siblings flipped out, complaining about how it's 'tradition' for me to host. My mom called me selfish, and my aunt said I was ruining Thanksgiving for the kids because they 'love coming to my house'."
"Now, they're all upset with me, calling me lazy and saying I'm ruining the holiday. Honestly, I'm tired of being treated like their personal chef and cleanup crew every year, but now I feel guilty for putting my foot down."
"So, AITA for refusing to host Thanksgiving this year?"
The OP summed up their situation.
"I believe I might be the a**hole because I decided to stop hosting Thanksgiving, which has become a family tradition for the past five years, without taking into account how much my family values this tradition."
"While it's exhausting for me, my refusal to host this year has upset my family, especially since they see my house as the central gathering place for the holiday. By backing out, I may have disrupted their expectations and disappointed everyone, especially the kids who look forward to it."
"My actions could come off as selfish or lazy, and I can understand why they feel like I'm ruining the holiday for them."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Their 'tradition' is being catered to by you. They are fighting to keep that alive because all they have to do is show up, be fed, enjoy themselves and go home. You get the cost, cooking, and cleanup."
"I would start a new tradition, a nice vacation for you over Thanksgiving." ~ WhereWeretheAdults
"Hold your ground. These people are mean, entitled, and lazy. I wouldn't take their calls, read their emails or texts, or otherwise engage with them."
"Either that, or if you do answer, just say 'I agree. I'm too lazy to clean, shop, cook, set the table, wash all the dishes, and clean up all the mess again after five years in a row of doing everything by myself while the rest of you leaches sit on your a**es and don't do a damned thing. And now you have the gall to suggest that I'm required to serve you. Why don't you look in the mirror and see who's actually lazy and selfish, not to mention entitled, whiney, ungrateful'."
"NTA." ~ corgihuntress
"And pay for it all too. They're a bunch of holiday mooches, aren't they? NTA."
"When my ex and I were married, my mother-in-law (MIL) always hosted. Her and my father-in-law (FIL) had the biggest house and she loved Thanksgiving especially."
"Nine kids plus their spouses and grandkids. Usually around 33 people. At least 3 daughters & daughters-in-law (DILs) would go over a day or so before and do any extra cleaning she wanted done."
"She made the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, & her special apple pies. The rest of us brought everything else. My assigned dishes were always cheesecake (FIL was a big fan), blueberry muffins, and either sweet potato pie or brussels sprouts."
"MIL was not allowed to clean up. She got a chair and a cold beer. Clean up was assigned to 4 of the sons and the sons-in-law. It worked beautifully." ~ Liu1845
"NTA. I'd agree by saying 'I'll have everyone over to my house'. Then, when they arrive, and there are no pies baked, no food cooking, no groceries in the kitchen and you didn't spend days cleaning, just say 'New Tradition' and everyone can order pizza."
"And they can suck it."
"Your family kinda blows. You're cordially invited to my family's Thanksgiving."
"We trip over each other to help, then eat, clean up and play games and watch football and yell at the TV. Not exciting, but it's about family and we genuinely like being around each other." ~ OkEmergency3607
"I lived this nightmare for 10 years. When I finally pulled the plug, everyone was shocked Pikachu face."
"Since then, I only host close friends. We all cook together and clean up together. It's wonderful. I recommend you try it."
"Honestly, feeding the ungrateful is not only exhausting, but infuriating. NTA." ~ cmooneychi26
"Time for a new tradition. I worked with a woman who said her family's tradition (her, her husband and one son) was to prepare a turkey dinner, close the curtains, lock the doors, have their meal, and then retire to watch all the football they wanted to."
"She was a teacher's aid at an elementary school and her husband was the chief of police at the local University. They'd had enough of extended family and wanted to just enjoy the time with the three of them. Sounds like heaven to me. NTA." ~ leswill315
"NTA. You can do an immediate-family only dinner and let the rest of the choosy beggars fend for themselves."
"Or get everyone to chip in $10/person and order take-out or catering. Everything gets eaten on paper plates and with plastic utensils then into a giant trash bag at the end of the night. Boom! Done."
"Or someone else can step up."
"Or they can buy entry in with a dish. An actual dish for 20 people, not just buns or some stupid sh*t."
"Assign everyone a dish and let them know they'll need to bring it to come in the door. Not even joking. If they want their plate/bowl back, they'll need to wash it or it becomes yours forever." ~ thegloracle
"I'd just not respond and not host at ALL, then watch everyone run around like headless turkeys and see how they manage. NTA."
"I'm Australian, so no Thanksgiving, but my parents had a big, 'entertaining' house. All the family would come, trash it, eat all the food, drink all the alchohol and break sh*t then leave the next day."
"Funny part was, everyone else also had big houses with great entertainment, they just hated hosting."
"Parents got sick of it one year when brother was 10 and I was 12, just had Christmas with my brother and I, and it's been like it ever since. Rest of the family basically cut my parents off after that. Life has been better ever since." ~ meiuimei_
"Last year, I said, 'I don't know how it happened but Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday in the world, everyone knows I hate fall, yet somehow I ended up being the Thanksgiving Mother. I rarely if ever see y'all any other holiday. It doesn't even have to be a holiday. It can be any random weekend'."
"My son-in-law told me I was selfish and ungrateful for all the sacrifices they make to show up."
"They haven't spoken to me since last Thanksgiving."
"This year, I'll buy a little smoked turkey breast from Sam's Club, make a few of my 91-year-old Mama's favorite sides (she lives with me now), she'll make a pecan pie, and we will watch the parades together and some football games." ~ SweetGoonerUSA
The OP provided a response to the feedback they received.
"Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and opinions! I didn't expect so many responses, and I really appreciate the support and perspectives shared."
"It's been reassuring to know I wasn't being unreasonable in this situation. Thanks again!"
It sounds like OP's family is going to have to step up and contribute if they want this tradition to continue. If they can't put in the work, they can't complain about missing out on the rewards.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp