Many families look forward to the holidays when they can reunite and get together. One element of spending the holidays with family that not everyone looks forward to, however, is hosting.
That places the burden of making sure everyone has food and shelter for the duration of their stay on one person.
Luckily, some people relish hosting large gatherings of people.
Others will look for every possible way to get out of it.
The family of Redditor BonusSpecialist1607 had a system that ensured hosting during the holidays never constantly fell on one individual.
Unfortunately, one of the original poster (OP)’s daughters always found a way out of hosting when it was technically her turn.
Having decided that she canceled on her family one too many times, the OP felt there was only one fair consequence for their daughter to face.
Fearing they may have gone too far, the OP took to the subReddit “Am I The A**hole” (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
“AITA for disinviintg my daughter to Thanksgiving when she won’t host Thanksgiving?”
The OP explained why their daughter did not receive an invite to their house this Thanksgiving:
“In our family, holidays are rotated, so one person hosts the Fourth of July, another hosts Christmas, and another hosts Thanksgiving etc..”
“This way, no one is constantly hosting, and it makes it fair for everyone.”
“This post is about my middle daughter, Clara.”
“Clara has always been skipping her host duties, when it gets to her she has an excuse why she can’t host.”
“It ranges but usually goes along the lines of stress or she is too busy.”
“This results in other family members to pick up her holiday.”
“It is frustrating and multiple people have talked to her about this.”
“She bailed on hosting Easter but promised me that she would do Thanksgiving.”
“We swapped holidays.”
“At the time, I made it very clear she needed to stay true to her word, and if she dumped it on someone else, she wouldn’t be going to Thanksgiving.”
“It usually gets dumped on me.”
“Anyway, I called her asking if she wanted me to bring a dessert board for Thanksgiving.”
“She told me that she could not host because she had just moved into her home (she moved in July), and it was too messy to host.”
“I told her she could clean since it was a few weeks away.”
“She told me she can’t.”
“I know the other kids can’t host it (well, one could, but she is doing Christmas, and it’s not fair at all for her).”
“I informed everyone it would be at my place this year.”
“I also informed everyone that Clara is not invited this year to Thanksgiving.”
“Clara was pissed when I told her that, and we got into a huge argument.”
“She thinks I am a big jerk.”
“My other kids are split; two of them are happy since they are tired of picking up her slack when this happens, while others think this is too far.”
“So outside opinion.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
While the Reddit community was somewhat divided, they largely agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for disinviting Clara from Thanksgiving.
Many felt the OP’s decision was more than justified, agreeing that if Clara didn’t want to host, she shouldn’t have bailed at the last minute and spoken up earlier.
“NTA.”
“Because Thanksgiving is three weeks away, and if the OP didn’t ask about what to bring, there was no indication that the daughter was going to say,” I can’t host. “So she really was about to mess up everyone’s holiday plans.”
“if you dont want to host say that, i cannot host thats not my thing.”
“I can be in charge of bring xyz to all family functions to make up for it. but to take on the responsibility and then flake every time is bs.”– jsbleez
“The title made me think you’d be the AH, but after hearing she asked to swap and then pulled out at the last minute it completely changed my mind.”
“Clara is an AH for constantly promising to do something and then pulling out at the last minute.”
“Hosting is exhausting and it usually costs you in both money and time.”
“It’s fair enough that some people don’t enjoy it. However, you can’t continue to reap the benefits from everyone else whilst giving nothing in return and expect to keep being invited.”
“If she knows she doesn’t want to host and never will, she should be upfront and offer to cover costs and help set up/ clean up someone else’s place.”
“Or have her year at a venue (even a park), so then no one is in her house.”
“NTA.”– chaserscarlet
“What is the REAL reason she doesn’t host?”
“Does she suck at cooking?”
“Does she have severe anxiety?”
“Is she struggling financially?”
“If she’s just lazy, then NTA.”
“But if you’ve never asked, time you should.”
“I know someone who would get SO stressed hosting dinners (the house had to be perfect, as did the food). Her husband put his foot down.”
“It was too hard on her, so they would take their turn but pay for everyone to eat at a restaurant.”– Annual_Version_6250
“NTA.”
“Tell the ones that have a problem with it to pick up her slack next time and see how supportive they are then.”– Just_Papaya_6669
“NTA.”
“She thought you were bluffing.”
“You can offer to let her pay for all the food, your time, and a house cleaner, or she can’t come.”
“She used to cheaping out- it’s time she grew up.”- KiriYogi
Others felt that the OP was far too harsh in disinviting Clara, feeling that it wasn’t fair for anyone to be forced to host a holiday or gathering:
“I’m really struggling to make a judgment here because I think the concept of ‘everyone HAS to host one large gathering’ is kind of odd to me.”
“My sister hates hosting people in her space, and I’d never want to make her do it just because it’s what is seen as fair.”
“On the other hand, my brother and sister-in-law love hosting people and parties at their house.”
“They usually do Christmas, Halloween, Easter, and have everyone over.”
“I usually do Thanksgiving and New Year, and our parents will usually do like 4th of July, Labor and Memorial Day (they have a pool).”
“It just kind of worked out that everyone picked holidays that play to their strengths, and my sister has been to every single event and will always offer to help set up/clean/bring things in lieu of official host duties.”
“I couldn’t imagine forcing her to take on duties that she hates and make her miserable or tell her not to come to our parties because I love her.”
“Sure, I get stressed hosting too, but I’d rather have my sister to celebrate with then alienate her and still have to pick up slack.”
“I think I’m leaning towards YTA because I don’t think this should be such a forced procedure.”-_ChloeSilverado_
“YTA.”
“Why would you force someone to host who absolutely doesn’t feel comfortable doing it?”
“It should be a thing to rotate between family members who actually want to host.”
“Cutting her out of the holiday because she doesn’t want to do things your way makes you a massively entitled a**hole.”
“Thanks for calling.”- bainjuice
Then there were those who had trouble sympathizing with either the OP or Clara, feeling it was unreasonable to force someone to host, but Clara also should have spoken up earlier than she did.
“ESH.”
“Did Clara actually agree to being part of the rotation?”
“She clearly doesn’t want to host family events, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“I wouldn’t want a bunch of people in my space either!”
“It’s a weird hill to die on to completely disinvite your daughter from a holiday about spending time with family.”
“I feel like you’re being spiteful because she’s not conforming to exactly what you want her to do.”
“That being said, Clara needs to set firm boundaries and make it known she is not hosting events rather than agreeing to do so and pawning it off on someone else at the last minute.”- lrnjrsh
A hosting rotation is a fair solution, in theory.
However, when someone finds no joy in hosting, it likely won’t result in a pleasant experience for the host or the guests.
Seeing as Clara has proven herself to be anything but a natural host, perhaps the OP might want to go back to the drawing board with her family, and come up with a happier solution that pleases everyone.
Perhaps Clara can learn to speak up and not constantly cause a last-minute change of plans for her entire family.