Holiday travel can be stressful.
As years go by, families may live farther apart.
And as couples start having kids, travel can be a hassle.
Often, there's no perfect solution.
But there have to be ways to compromise.
Right?
Redditor HopeSuspicious2406 found herself in a dilemma regarding this year's Thanksgiving family travel plans, so she turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
She asked:
"AITAH for not traveling alone with my young kids?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My husband and I have had the same fight for 4 years about Thanksgiving travel, and I’m honestly at my breaking point with it."
"He is a hunter and always has been."
"One of his longtime traditions is going back to the Midwest to hunt with his dad and brothers the week of Thanksgiving."
"He’s never missed a season, and he also usually takes at least one additional hunting trip during the fall."
"We live in another state, about a 3-hour flight from his hometown."
"Before we had kids, this was easy enough."
"He would fly out the week before Thanksgiving to hunt, and then I would fly out separately and meet him there for Thanksgiving weekend."
"We now have two kids, 3.5 years old and 14 months old, and obviously traveling looks very different."
"He still wants to go hunting the week before Thanksgiving, but he also wants all four of us to spend Thanksgiving with his family."
"His solution is that I should just get on a plane by myself with both kids and meet him there."
"I have told him repeatedly that I am not comfortable flying alone with both kids at these ages."
"I know plenty of moms do it, and good for them, but I personally do not want to wrangle a toddler and a 14-month-old through the airport, security, boarding, a three-hour flight, luggage, car seats, etc., by myself."
"I’ve been very clear that once they’re older, I’m sure I’ll feel differently."
"He thinks this is ridiculous and calls it a weak 'excuse.'”
"This is the part that makes me absolutely furious: he acts like I am single-handedly preventing him from having Thanksgiving with his entire family and that he has no other choice."
"But he does have choices."
"1-He can go hunting, stay through Thanksgiving with his family, and I can stay home with our kids. That means I’m alone parenting two little kids for roughly 10 days, which I don’t love, but it is an option.
"2- He can go hunting with his dad and brothers, then fly home and spend Thanksgiving here with our kids and me."
"3-He can skip the hunting trip that year, fly out with the kids and me, and we can all spend Thanksgiving with his extended family together."
"What he apparently considers the only acceptable option is..."
"4- He gets to go hunting, stays there through Thanksgiving, and I fly across the country alone with two very young children to make sure he still gets both things he wants."
"And when I won’t do option #4, he says it is '100% on me' that he doesn’t get to have Thanksgiving with his whole family."
"That is what I can’t get past."
"I’m not telling him he can’t hunt."
"I’m not telling him he can’t see his family."
"I’m not even saying we can never travel for Thanksgiving."
"I’m saying that during this relatively short phase of our lives where our kids are very young, I am not willing to fly alone with both of them so that he doesn’t have to compromise anything about his own plans."
"We have this exact same argument every year."
"My stance has not changed."
"If anything, it makes me angrier every year because he already knows exactly how I feel, yet he brings it up again, pushes the same ‘solution,' and then tries to make me feel like I’m the a**hole for not wanting to get on a plane alone with our kids."
"Because from my perspective, I’m not preventing him from having everything he wants."
"He just doesn’t like that having everything he wants requires me to take on all of the inconvenience and stress, and that I refuse to do that."
"He’s done a great job of making me feel like I’m to blame for this all and that I’m wrong for standing my ground."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Am I the a**hole?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
"He can take the two kids and fly with them solo if he thinks you’re being ridiculous."
"He can put his money where his mouth is and give you some free time at home to relax." ~ sikonat
"This was my plan as well."
"He takes both kids alone to his parents, drops them with grandma for the hunting week."
"Mom gets a week alone (I’m thinking spa day, girls trip, etc.)."
"Then Mom flies out and meets them for Thanksgiving."
"The issue is he has never dealt with the kids alone."
"OP needs to go on a trip herself before Thanksgiving, maybe just one overnight, so he really starts to understand the workload here." ~ Ladybugz93
"He can fly out for hunting, then he flies back to get wife and kids, and they all fly together to spend Thanksgiving with the family." ~ TopRamenisha
"NTA at all."
"Highkey think he should be the one flying home after hunting to pick you guys up if he wants it that bad."
"Why is he acting like a whole grown man can't take a round trip for his own family?" ~ VelvetMoon_14
"I have done this."
"I had a business meeting in Boston (where my family lives) a few days before Thanksgiving."
"My wife and kids live in the Bay Area."
"Yes, it would have been more convenient and less expensive for her to fly with 2 young kids on her own."
"But I flew back, got the wife and kids, and then flew back to Boston to spend Thanksgiving with my family."
"It sucked."
"I was exhausted."
"But I did it, because making your wife travel with 2 young kids alone is a di*k move. Period." ~ Geetzromo
"NTA - hubs needs to wake up and take on his adult responsibilities, which includes being able to change his holiday tradition to accommodate his new family (meaning, not the nuclear family that he had decades ago when he was a child) and to make new traditions."
"It's a very serious issue."
"Somewhere in his mind he's divorced his responsibilities from his history and from his preferences."
"He's the dad."
"He has responsibilities to you and the kids."
"He's the one that has to flex if he insists that Thanksgiving is going to be with his family."
"The holidays are always a point of compromise between family and in-laws, and it's time for him to start giving 50%."
"He plans to give nothing and to have you bear the responsibilities that should be his." ~ CentaurSeige
"I'm surprised I had to scroll this far down to find this comment."
"Her husband acts like he refuses to grow up and like he's surprised that having children would require some change in his life and not just his wife's life."
"But no, he needs to go hunting with his daddy because he's always done it, even though he moved 3 hours away and now has 2 children."
"Actions have consequences, mate." ~ Dry-Comfortable2452
"No way I would ever take a 3.5-year-old and 15-month-old on a flight alone at Thanksgiving."
"He is delusional." ~ ComradeGlizzy
"Has he at any point tried caring for the 2 kids independently while travelling?"
"Maybe he needs to try it."
"A local train or bus ride."
"Give him the kids and a suitcase and send him off for a few hours." ~ CatCharacter848
"Yeah, you should take your own weekend away next month and see how he goes AT HOME alone with the kids, let alone travelling. NTA." ~ Necessary_cat735
OP returned with a lot to say...
"UPDATE for some added context."
"A few people have asked what Thanksgiving has looked like since we had kids, so here’s the breakdown..."
"2022: I was 8 months pregnant. I stayed home, and he went hunting/visited his family."
"2023: We had an 11-month-old baby. I stayed home, and he went."
"2024: We actually had tickets to go, and I planned to fly out with my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and our son."
"Unfortunately, my son came down with a bad case of hand, foot, and mouth disease, so we had to cancel."
"My husband still went hunting and then came home afterward."
"2025: We had a 6-month-old and a toddler. He went hunting and then flew home to spend Thanksgiving with us here."
"My husband frequently brings up these last four years as examples of me 'getting my way' and uses them as a reason that I should finally just bite the bullet this year and accommodate his schedule."
"That framing is part of what bothers me."
"Being 8 months pregnant, having an 11-month-old, having a child, and then having a 6-month-old plus a toddler doesn’t exactly feel like four consecutive years of me getting my preferred Thanksgiving plans."
"Also, to address a couple of suggestions..."
“Why don’t you just fly out with him before the hunting trip?”
"I can’t take that much time off work."
"And even if I could, I’m not on good terms with his mother."
"Because of our history and what I’ve experienced in that relationship, spending a week there essentially solo with his mom and my two young children while my husband is off hunting is not something I’m willing to do."
“Why doesn’t he fly home and then fly back with you and the kids?”
"I’m actually not opposed to that at all."
"It would solve the issue of me flying alone with the boys."
"The downside is that it adds another roughly $800–$1,000 in airfare to the trip, which is a significant amount of money for us to spend just to make this particular Thanksgiving arrangement work."
"I think the larger issue for me is that every year the conversation starts from the assumption that his hunting trip is the immovable part of the equation, and everything else — my work schedule, traveling alone with two little kids, the cost, Thanksgiving itself — is supposed to bend around it."
"And when I’m not willing to do that, the narrative becomes that I 'got my way again.'”
"That’s the part I’m struggling with."
"Really appreciate everyone’s comments - I do feel validated regarding the not flying alone piece."
"One more update because this fight took an even stranger turn..."
" I found out tonight that my husband has a saved note on his phone documenting every Thanksgiving since we’ve been together, including whether I went and the reason I did or didn’t go each year."
"When I asked him why he keeps a record of this, he said it’s because during past arguments we’ve remembered or mixed up some of the reasons differently, so he wants to have an accurate record."
"I then asked why it even matters what happened in prior years when we’re trying to figure out what works for our family this year."
"His response was, 'Oh, wouldn’t you just love to wipe the slate clean?'”
"It made me realize that he genuinely seems to view these past Thanksgivings as some kind of running scorecard where I’ve 'won' or gotten my way and now owe him something in return."
"I’m not asking him to erase history, but all the reasons above do not feel like victories I accumulated against my husband."
"I’m aware this is wildly unhealthy and needs therapy immediately."
Reddit is with you, OP.
And is concerned for you.
This is outrageously unhealthy behavior.
Therapy sounds like a good start.
His priority is certainly NOT his own family.
Stay strong and good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp