Traveling for the holidays can be the most stressful part of the year.
Doing it with infants can be near impossible.
And family has a knack for not making travel decisions easy.
Babies often just want to stay home.
So why can't people come to the baby?
Redditor halfaglassof to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"WIBTA if I stayed home with a 3-month-old and did not fly to visit in-laws for the holidays, which delays their meeting the baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"Spouse wants to take our 3 kids to visit family (parents and 3 siblings) for the holiday."
"I want to stay home to avoid travel and discomfort with our 3-month-old and to stay in my own comfortable space with the routine and demands of that baby."
"Spouse has done many things to make the travel as easy on the baby (re: me) as possible."
"Willing to buy expensive plane tickets."
"Willing to find a bus to avoid car travel."
"Willing to make all necessary stops for the baby."
"Willing to get multiple hotels along the way."
"Willing to turn it into a mini vacation and only spend a few days with family."
"But it will always include a 2-hour drive from a small airport or a 4-hour drive from a major airport."
"This baby suffers from reflux and other tummy troubles that require stopping every 5-20 minutes in a car."
"Which would include stopping on small, one-lane highways to tend to the baby while keeping the 5 and 7-year-olds entertained."
"My older kids are already struggling with having less attention in their own space."
"I'm imagining they will be more [outward behavior problem caused by inner turmoil] in the grandparents' house and out of their routine."
"My kids struggle at home, but it can be mitigated because they are in their own space. "
"Being in an uncomfortable space, with extra adults and new to their rules, AND continuing to have less attention from parents might make them terrorized by behavior."
"I'm thinking having a break from the baby would be good for them, but who truly knows?"
"My spouse always ends up irritated with the family by the end of a visit."
"I think they want me to go to help their emotions, feelings, and reactions."
"I do help him not get as frustrated at his parents."
"And I feel uncomfortable in their house."
"Lots of unnecessary details there."
"It would be so much easier on me if I stayed home with the 3-month-old baby and avoided all of it."
"I struggle to make decisions (recovering people pleaser) and really can't tell if I'm a) taking care of myself, or b) being an a**hole."
"I would be keeping the baby from meeting grandpa, two aunts, and one uncle and their respective families."
"I wouldn't be there to help spouse parent the kids."
"And most importantly, my spouse feels rejected by my choice, and it causes some hurt in our relationship."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So, WIBTA if I stayed home and my spouse took the older kids alone?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. There is almost nothing that would induce me to bring an infant who hasn't had a full contingent of vaccines on a plane, especially not during flu/RSV season."
"If your husband thinks you're exaggerating, have him watch some of those videos of tiny babies struggling to breathe and being put on respirators."
"Family can come to you, or they can wait until the baby is old enough to travel." ~ loligo_pealeii
"Honey, I barely wanted to take my 3-month-old to the grocery store, let alone traveling through airports and long road trips."
"This doesn't sound safe for post-partum you, or your small, fragile baby with digestive issues and a new immune system."
"Please, follow your instincts and stay home."
"Your husband and the older kids will have more fun anyway!"
"They can have a big-kid trip and feel special instead of sidelined."
"The grandparents can come out and meet the baby sometime soon."
"As a chronic people-pleaser and stretch-myself-thinner myself, I feel you!"
"Remember, when it comes to babies, mom knows best, and you get to be the last word."
"Follow your gut!" ~ Technical_Tangelo143
"You have a 3-month-old."
"Let your parents fly to travel to see you."
"I've never been lucky enough to have a family of my own, but even this 60-year-old dude knows that a pregnant woman or a new mother should be catered to."
"A 3-month-old baby means that a woman has gone through physical hell to bring life into the world, and she should be given a basic amount of consideration." ~ Responsible-Doctor26
"Maybe you should invite them to town as an alternative to this trip."
"Consider if them coming to a hotel near you would be a nicer way for them to see the baby on a limited basis (short visits are less of a disruption, and the baby at home is easier to keep on schedule)."
"It's easier to send them back to their hotel when the baby is past its limit."
"Stand firm on separate lodging regardless of whether you go there or they come over - it's better for everyone's wellbeing." ~ ProjectJourneyman
"NTA. It sounds like you are carrying everyone."
"That responsibility comes with privileges - namely, being able to put your foot down when too much is asked."
"This is too much."
"Your husband and in-laws are not going to agree with us, but they are just wrong."
"Why are all of you traveling to see your in-laws instead of your in-laws coming to see you if they want to meet the baby so badly?" ~ VreyeanA09
"Why can't they come to you?"
"Get a hotel or something?"
"Babies shouldn't be in car seats for more than 2 hours... it's your 3rd... your husband should know this by now."
"He should also shut this down; you have a 3-month-old."
"Does he really want to risk your youngest getting sick?"
"I don't understand the logic that the ones with the young kids/babies should be the ones to travel and leave their comfort zone."
"If they want to meet your baby, they should come to you." ~ RainbowsintheUK
"NTA. You just had a baby!"
"Are you not entitled to put yourself first once in a while?"
"Traveling with small children is hard at the best of times and extremely hard at the holidays."
"Putting a family of five with three small children on a bus and a plane is a big ask."
"You do not have to."
"If these people are so excited about meeting the baby, they can come to you."
"If your husband wants your presence in his holiday so much, he can let his parents know that your family's plans have changed and stay home." ~ eaca02124
"NTA, it should be enough that you don't want to take a new baby on an airplane."
"It is more than enough that the baby has reflux and can't travel well."
"It doesn't matter how easy he makes it; the trip will be horrible with a new baby throwing up the whole trip." ~murphy2345678
"NTA. Please wean the family from having expectations on you and your peace."
"No way in hell I would travel that soon after giving birth."
"That baby should not be exposed to winter germs, and you should stay home and rest in your cocoon as long as you like." ~ XYZ1113AAA
"NTA. Your spouse is asking for too much from you."
"You should all stay home, or if your spouse REALLY feels they need this, they should either decide to go on their own or go with the older children (assuming you're OK with either scenario… although I understand if you're not)."
"Stay home." ~ PanicAtTheGaslight
"It makes total sense to stay home with the 3-month-old lol, traveling with a baby plus older kids and all that stress would be brutal."
"Your spouse can handle a few days with the older kids, and you taking care of the little one is legit prioritizing everyone's wellbeing."
"It's not rejecting them, it's setting healthy boundaries so the trip doesn't turn into a nightmare."
"Maybe plan a separate visit later when it's easier for everyone to enjoy, but staying home isn't wrong at all."
"Your peace and the baby's comfort come first." ~ lillypadxz
"NTA. No way."
"We traveled for a vacation with a 10-week-old, and it was so hard."
"The Trip was planned before we knew I was pregnant, so we just sucked it up."
"But then we did not travel until after a year because she was such a bad sleeper and I could not do that away from my own comfort."
"This all sounds like way too much to appease the family." ~ Ill_Concentrate453
"I'm sorry that this is happening."
"You deserve to have a beautiful holiday with your family and your new family member."
"I say NTA, why don't you talk to your family and see if they can come visit, so you avoid travel?"
"Remember, your baby is just 3 months old, you have 2 other kids, and it's a lot of work; they should be accommodating you." ~ Oceanbreeze_queen
"NTA - your husband and all of your children need to be home with you."
"Travelling with a baby that young is a ridiculous ask, and having your family split up over the holidays to make grandparents happy is gross."
"Wait a couple of months and plan a new visit."
"If your husband insists on you going with the baby or if he takes the older kids without you, he's the a**hole." ~ blurblurblahblah
"Hubby should tell his family not this year."
"If he won't, either send him alone or with the older kids, if they want to go. NTA" ~ DoyoudotheDew
Reddit is with you, OP.
You are trying to do what is best for your baby and yourself.
Traveling with a newborn is near impossible.
Everyone can come to you or wait a year.
Stay firm.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp