Holidays for married couples can be difficult.
Whose family does everyone go to?
Is there a way for all the families to come together?
These aren't always easy questions.
Redditor u/ForceHour8491 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for asking my wife to split Thanksgiving between our two families instead of spending it entirely with hers?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife and I recently got married, and this will be our first Thanksgiving as a married couple."
"For some background, my wife has always spent Thanksgiving at her parents’ house, and same for me on my end."
"We moved closer to our families (same hometown), but we haven’t had to deal with splitting time before."
"We’ve always done our own thing with friends or each other."
"This year I was hoping we could celebrate Thanksgiving with both of our families."
"We initially explored the possibility of having everyone together, but my F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] said he wouldn’t be able to accommodate my family at their house."
"Given that, I suggested what I thought was a reasonable compromise: splitting Thanksgiving Day between our families."
"We could spend part of the day with her parents and part with mine."
"That way, neither of us has to miss out on seeing our families, especially during our first holiday season as a married couple."
"However, my wife is unwilling to split the day."
"She wants to spend Thanksgiving at her parents’ house, as she always has in the past."
"They do a 'big cook' together, and it takes all day, so I do see why logistically it may be hard."
"My frustration isn’t that she wants to see her family."
"I completely understand that."
"It’s that I feel like now that we’re married, holidays should involve some compromise rather than automatically continuing the traditions of one side of the family."
"I don’t think it’s fair that I’m expected to sacrifice spending Thanksgiving with my family simply because her family has an established tradition."
"I feel like I’m proposing a reasonable middle ground, but she doesn’t see it that way."
"Our parents live less than 10 minutes apart from each other."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for pushing to split Thanksgiving between our families instead of agreeing to spend the entire holiday with hers?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Rotate years."
"It's so hard to split in one day."
"I've done both, and I was so stressed when we split." ~ Aggressive_Goose7544
"Before my husband and I moved away for work, this is how we did it."
"Fair is fair; everyone would rather spend time with their own family than in-laws. 😂"
"Rotate holidays."
"If her family gets Thanksgiving, then your family gets Christmas."
"Next year you switch it up, your family gets Thanksgiving, and her family gets Christmas." ~ Lighthouse_on_Mars
"Normally I would agree 100 percent, but since OP mentioned their parents literally live 10 minutes apart, splitting the day feels a lot more doable here than usual; that said, rotating years is still way better than the wife's current plan, which is just completely ignoring OP family every single year." ~ drayvondoruu
"NTA. Just because her family has always done it this way doesn’t mean you automatically have to give up seeing yours."
"You’re married now, and traditions sometimes need to change to accommodate both partners."
"Especially when your families live 10 minutes apart, refusing even to discuss a compromise seems unfair." ~ Tomas7655
"Rotating years is definitely the gold standard to avoid holiday burnout, but it sounds like OP wife is not even open to that; she just wants to stick to her family house every year."
"Alternating years would be a huge step up from her expecting OP to sacrifice his family entirely every Thanksgiving." ~ myrzyntisi
"A lot of couples do a holiday split."
"Like you do Thanksgiving with her family and Xmas with yours and then switch next year."
"Or make your own holiday event and invite everyone."
"Your parents both live 10 minutes apart, though."
"You could easily just do half days at each place."
"You are very lucky that this should be an easy compromise. LOL."
"NTA for wanting some compromise."
"You can’t get married and spend every holiday apart from your own family’s."
"You're each other's family now too." ~ username__0000
"Her family obviously does not want his family at their dinner."
"She demands an all-day affair at hers."
"He could leave partway through the day to spend the dinner with his family."
"I’m curious what happens at Christmas."
"This all should have been discussed beforehand."
"It’s interesting the large issues people skip over." ~ Traveler691
"Yeah, I agree."
"I doubt she'll be flexible here if she's already unwilling to compromise when their families are 10 minutes apart."
"But that said, my husband and I had this all figured out fairly without any arguments before we even got engaged because we dated for years beforehand, so I wonder what suddenly changed now that they're married." ~ breadburn
"Years ago, my father passed away, and it was just my mother and me."
"She was elderly, and I was basically the caretaker."
"Many neighbors invited us both for Thanksgiving dinners, and we truly wanted to reciprocate."
"I had an idea."
"We did a Thanksgiving breakfast."
"Pastries from Sam’s Club, eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, toast, coffee, juice."
"Invited EVERYONE."
"Friends and neighbors."
"People brought dishes, simple things."
"They would come and go starting about 8:00 am."
"By noon, dishes were cleaned (lots of folks helped!), bellies were filled, and no one had a dirty kitchen to go home to."
"They went home and started on their dinner plans, and we had too many dinner invites to handle."
"Our biggest year, we fed 37 people! I kept that tradition going with my wife for over 20 years until we finally scaled it back because we were doing a big breakfast AND dinner."
"Just a thought if anyone wants to borrow my silly idea that actually worked." ~ xx_I_Am_Me_xx
"NAH. You need to decide which set of family gets which holiday."
"Since both families live in the same town, you can also spend the main part of the day with one and the late part of the day visit the other."
"Just make sure each family gets equal 'main' holiday time."
"If you agree to do Thanksgiving at your wife's parents' house, maybe you can go to your own parents' house later for dessert."
"Then Christmas it gets reversed."
"The next year, you do the opposite."
"Get this figured out NOW before there are kids added to the mix, though."
"Don't forget to have at least one holiday at your own home too."
"That way when the kids come along, both sets of family are accustomed to you taking time for yourselves." ~ Salt_My_Watermelon
"NTA. Your wife is currently failing at compromising."
"Since she didn't agree and, apparently, offered no other compromise, she doesn't seem interested in sharing your lives."
"That should be a concern."
"The parents live 10 minutes apart, so splitting the day is the best compromise."
"You COULD do her family for Thanksgiving and yours for Christmas as others have stated, but they've obviously missed the subtext in your post."
"It's obvious your wife will not agree to not seeing her family at Christmas."
"It's important to figure it out now." ~ InternationalWar258
"Been married and together for 40 years."
"OUR families want to see us on the holidays."
"My mom has us over for Thanksgiving at noon."
"We go early and spend the entire morning until 1:30 with my family."
"My MIL likes Thanksgiving dinner at dinner time."
"So we arrive about 2:00, spend time visiting and stuff, and eat dinner at 6:00ish."
"We spend about 1/2 the day with each family."
"NOW both moms can't cook because of age, so everyone comes to my house, and we celebrate together; however, my married sons leave around 2:00 to go to their wives' families."
"I moved ours to lunch to accommodate my sons."
"Makes it easier to eat TWO Thanksgiving meals if one is lunch and one is dinner."
"Your wife is unreasonable and needs to realize she is NOW part of TWO families and needs to ADJUST to accommodate both; IF NOT, I would leave and spend 1/2 the day with my own family, and she can get herself back home".
"It's just rude and ridiculous to expect you not to spend time with your own family AND HER NEW FAMILY." ~ Border-Babies
"NTA for making a suggestion but you gotta just pick one location."
"Trade off each year or offer to host."
"You guys gotta figure this out now because it'll continue to be a sore spot if not on the same page." ~ ToadNoodles
"I am a mother-in-law and a grandmother."
"When my oldest son married, we sat down as a family and discussed holidays and how we would share."
"For years, I cooked Thanksgiving dinner in the evening."
"The other family did lunch."
"Actually, that was really hard for everyone to do two meals on one day."
"I decided to move our Thanksgiving to the Saturday after Thanksgiving."
"This has opened up the holiday for my sons to celebrate with the in-law side without being pushed for time."
"Our kids spend Christmas Eve with us and Christmas Day with the other families."
"Communication is key here; don’t start off on the wrong foot." ~ Pink-Carat
"NTA. If they get Thanksgiving, your family gets Christmas, then swap next year."
"It’s not fair for her to exclude your family." ~ kayyxelle
Reddit is with you, OP... for the most part.
There is a way to compromise.
Hopefully, you and your wife can find common ground.
