We're all going to have our moments in life when we're really disappointed that things did not work out the way that we wanted them to, and we might have a really hard time letting that dream go.
But when that dream involves another person, it's important to respect their privacy and let them go, even if we're still heartbroken, reasoned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
After realizing that her relationship was not healthy for her, Redditor howling_owling ended things with the man she thought she'd marry and eventually met the man of her dreams, who she shared a home with and would soon share a child.
But when she found out that her dad was still talking to her ex after five years, and they even gossiped about her husband behind her back, the Original Poster (OP) felt humiliated and concerned.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling humiliated and betrayed after finding out that my dad has been secretly taking drunk phone calls from my ex-fiancé for years?"
The OP ended a relationship when she realized it wasn't healthy for her.
"Five years ago, I left a relationship with my then-fiancé after realizing that continuing the relationship and marrying him would’ve been the worst decision of my life."
"Since then, I’ve married a wonderful man, and we’re now expecting our first child. Life honestly turned out exactly how I hoped it would."
"(Seriously, if you’re in a terrible relationship, leave!)"
But then the OP found out that her ex wasn't as "out" of her life as she would have liked.
"But here’s my issue. Yesterday, I found out that my ex has apparently been calling my mum and dad whenever he gets drunk, and my dad talks to him and gives him life advice."
"This has apparently been happening in secret for the last four and a half years?!"
"The reason I even found out is because, about six months ago, my ex randomly texted me out of nowhere after years of no contact. He started writing about how 'my family and his family made fun of my now-husband.'"
"I blocked him immediately because I thought, 'What a loser, can’t let go after almost five years,' and my husband just laughed and called him cringe."
The OP's concern increased after talking to her parents about it.
"But the things he texted me... really mean things about my husband, kept bugging me."
"Not because I care what my ex thinks, but because he was talking about my own family being on his side?!"
"I finally confronted my mum about it yesterday, and she basically admitted that my dad answers when he calls drunk because he feels bad for him."
"Is it wrong of me to think this is really inappropriate and to feel really humiliated?"
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some urged the OP to put her dad on an "information diet," supplying him only with information she'd be comfortable with him sharing with others, immediately.
"Your Dad isn’t just giving him life advice. He’s gossiping about your husband to your ex."
'This crosses so many boundaries, it’s hard for me to express how outraged I am on your behalf. I’m so sorry."
"You have decisions to make about how much you want your Dad to be involved in your life, now that you know he’s 'tattling' and gossiping about you to a horrible ex. Your Dad clearly needs to be on an 'information diet,' and you need to Google that phrase if you’re not familiar with it."
"Also, your ex is an extremely unreliable source. However, it’s worth investigating whether your family members are trash-talking about your husband. You need to know who has your back and who is stabbing you in it." - Mainerlovesdogs
"I can't even imagine my ex calling my dad while drunk. I'm pretty sure the first time would be the last. Why is this father even entertaining this guy?"
"It would make me want to review every interaction my husband and dad had over the last five years and would definitely put my parents on very low contact. The best thing this stupid ex did was blab his lips." - randomchick1121
"This is a big betrayal by the dad and my mom for enabling it. If they refuse to stop this bulls**t, then they go on an information diet and maybe a time out. NOR." - Public-Willow-7943
"I think it's fair to ask your parents about what they've been saying and what they've talked about. I would also be clear that their honesty is important, and then determine your future communication with your family." - writing_mm_romance
"You can’t control who your father chooses to talk to, but you can ask him not to share any information about your life with your ex."
"Furthermore, I would share factual reporting about femicide and stalking with your father. Your father is facilitating your ex‘s stalking behavior."
"Your ex knows he can’t get any information out of you, so he’s using your father to keep tabs on what you’re doing."
"That this has continued for years is troubling."
"Frankly, it’s time to lock down your social media. Either delete it for a while and start fresh, or go private and do a purge."
"Also, reduce your contact with your parents for a while so they won’t have information to share with your ex."
"You need to limit contact with your mother too because she knew this was happening and didn’t clue you in." - Ok-Willow-9145
"Your father should be ashamed of himself. Who the h**l does he think he is by taking those drunken calls with the s**ttiest excuse on the planet about 'feeling bad for him'... not that ex's business what turns your life has taken."
"Your mother should have cut the call if the ex's number shows up on caller ID and blocked the s**t with a stern warning to your father of not giving out information about your life... and then hauled your father into the kitchen to peel the potatoes if he tried that again." - lovemyfurryfam
A few did point out that the ex might be exaggerating what was said during those calls, though.
"Don't discount the possibility that the Ex is vastly overstating or outright lying about things your family has said to them just to cause drama. I've been there with my wife's toxic ex, who just can't let go of being angry that she left him. He tried to start s**t for years. They love to salt a little truth with lies so you don't know who to trust." - Polar_Ted
"This might just be drunken ex's projections, like he's venting about you or new partner, and your old man just says, 'Yeah yeah,' and that gets taken as positive affirmation. Actually sounds like you're dad's a top bloke for giving so much time and consideration for a fellow human being." - Geezee83
"NOR. Forward the texts to BOTH parents and ask if what the ex claims is true- you can’t make any reasonable decisions without at least talking to your parents." - IvanMarkowKane
"I would share the texts with your parents, purely so they can see what your ex says and be able to tell you if he’s manipulating any information they may accidentally shared, so THEY can see for themselves that he is using these conversations with your parents to hurt you."
"And then also talk with them about stalking. Your dad can’t be this stupid. He has to know that talking to someone’s parents for multiple years after a breakup is weird."
"This ex should know nothing about you. And your dad needs to understand that."
"Frankly, I think you are underreacting."
"DO NOT LET YOUR DAD ACT LIKE THIS IS HARMLESS. You know what happened to other women? Dad kept in contact, dropped in passing that they were picking up grandkids at X school, and the kid gets kidnapped. Just because it hasn't happened to you doesn't mean it couldn't."
"I’m not trying to scare you, but I AM trying to scare your dad. He’s not thinking any of this through. For men like your ex who stalk and continually cross boundaries, information is intelligence to be used other people, so, like, don’t give him ANYTHING. At all. Not even the time of day." - Nvrfinddisacct
Others urged the OP to set new boundaries with her parents now that this secret was out.
"NOR."
"Please ask your dad and mom not to share any information about you, your husband, your pregnancy, your home, etc... Explain to your dad that you can’t ask him to stop being ex’s friend, but dad is aiding ex’s obsession or fixation on you and your life."
"Dad needs to only talk about his life, sports, work, etc. Especially once he becomes a grandfather, he is not allowed to talk to ex about your child. Maybe this will help Dad realize what he has been contributing to this unhealthy connection." - Only-upvibes
"Your dad is crossing boundaries, and I would be questioning what he’s talking to him about. Due to your ex accusing your family of bad-mouthing your husband, I’d say to your parents to cut him off or risk your relationship with them."
"Your ex is a drunk loser and could be making it up to annoy you, but he’s still hung up on you after five years, so he’s jealous of your husband. Time for your family to cut ties with him. Only so much ‘life advice’ they can give after four and a half years, so it’s questionable what they discuss." - Glittering_Swan4911
"Your ex is still raw about the breakup and is succeeding in hurting you. Thank goodness he’s out of your life."
"Make it for good and completely block him without telling him (because he’s looking for reactions from you)."
"Your dad is a grown-up and can talk to whomever he wants to. Maybe he sees this guy as his 'project.' I’d just ask him not to share things about you and your family, or he'll risk his relationship with you and his grandchildren in favor of his project."
"Your ex is not your problem anymore, and I wouldn’t allow myself to spend a single thought about him. It’s what he wants." - HeadOil5581
"NOR. You are about to have a child. Dad (and mom by default) haven't told you they are still talking to your ex and are sharing stories about your life with him."
"Don't feel humiliated; feel p**sed off. What they both have done is inappropriate and needs to stop immediately." - Thriftyverse
"NOR. I don't think it's a huge deal that they answer his calls (a little weird for sure), but the bad-mouthing is the issue."
"It's probably unhealthy for your parents to continue entertaining him as he's likely only calling them because he's clinging to some kind of desperate hope that you'll get back together."
"They should shut it down just for the sake of everyone's mental health! But at the absolute least, they need to stop the bad-mouthing and make it clear to your ex that it will not be tolerated." - BenWez
While the subReddit agreed that the OP's father could technically talk to anyone he wanted to, there had to be limits to that idea, especially when it involved someone else's safety.
The fact that the OP's ex wanted to keep tabs on her half a decade later and enjoyed mocking her partner was immensely concerning, and there was no telling what he might do once he gathered up enough information about her.
