Aging is a normal part of life. As we age, it's inevitable that some activities and skills become more difficult to perform or maybe even impossible.
Hopefully our loved ones are supportive and grant us grace as we age and our abilities change.
A grandmother whose son and daughter-in-law have no understanding of how aging changes expectations turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
More_Present1604 asked:
"AITA for not making my new grandkid a homemade blanket and not giving her one already made?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My son remarried around 6 months ago and my new daughter-in-law (DIL) already had a daughter named Becky. Becky is 10 and overall is a sweet girl."
"When each of the grandkids were born, I made a big blanket for all of them—paper piecing quilts. They take quite a while to make and a lot of cutting. The size of a twin bed."
"I spent a lot of time and effort on all of them. I know most of the kids still use them often. The last one I made was 6 years ago and I struggled to make it."
"My son asked me to make a blanket for Becky. I told him no, because of my arthritis in my hands and I have trouble sewing now. He asked if I would be willing to give her the one that I made for his sister's child. My daughter had a still birth, so the blanket was never used."
"I told him no, that that blanket was meant for someone else and it feels real sh*tty to take it back and give to someone it wasn’t intended for."
"I thought that was the end of it, but I got a call from my DIL, and she was pissed. She claims I am not seeing her kid as my grandkid and I should be stepping up. I told her I can’t make a blanket and she told me to give the old one to her daughter. I told her no."
"She is pissed and I am kinda pissed. My son told me to just give her the blanket or I won’t see the kids."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I may be the a**hole for not making blanket for my new grandkid and not giving her an old one. They claim I am treating her differently than the other grandkids and I need to give over the blanket."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. You explained why it it not possible for you to make another blanket. It has nothing to do with the girl, but with your health. That's a very valid reason."
"It was very rude to ask for the blanket that was made for his sister's child. He does not get to decide what happens to that blanket." ~ Cautious-Blood-444
"I’m sure your son is only doing that to appease the new wife who is likely berating him and withholding other affection until he can get his mom in line. NTA." ~ AsleepPride309
"NTA, let EVERYONE in the fanily know they pulled this crap. Including the threats. Let the sister's rage at losing her child go somewhere productive..." ~ TiredAndTiredOfIt
"They mention it again, and the mom (the blanket making one) needs to loop in the angel baby's mom. I fear their next stop might be her, who doesn't need the ensuing guilt (or emotional manipulation) especially unawares." ~ Femmack
"My grandma made my sister and I blankets as well, but now that my sister has kids of her own our grandma isn’t able to make such large projects… so I learned how to crochet and made blankets for my niblings myself."
"It’s honestly made me feel so close to my grandma because we’re the only ones in the family who crochet."
"Sounds like son or DIL should step up and carry on the legacy if they want their kids and potential grandkids to have blankets as well." ~ windexfresh
"I’m carrying on this tradition for my mom. She crocheted until a few weeks before her death from dementia. I still have the blanket she was working on and I haven’t been able to look at it yet." ~ MmeThornhill
"There’s a group that has volunteers who will finish projects like that, it’s absolutely beautiful. It’s called Loose Ends." ~ angelbuttons77
"My mom used to knit little sheep stuffies for any babies she knew - she's generally not a crafty person but that was the one thing she did. She's no longer able to do it (arthritis, like the OP), and so she has gifted all her supplies for it to me."
"We don't have kids in my family or among my closest friends, sadly, but whenever I hear that someone I know is going to have a baby, I still make a sheepie for them (and toy with the idea of making some here and there and donate them somewhere)." ~ Sternenblumen
"NTA. Grandparents’ involvement with their grandkids can change dramatically as they age. You could do things for your grandkids a decade ago that you can’t do now, and new DIL is sh*tty for throwing your aging in your face." ~ Common-Parsnip-9682
"Right, like grandparents that babysit their older grandkids will have a point when they reach an older age where they can’t do that again with any new grandkids. Doesn’t mean they love them any less."
"OP has arthritis and had problems doing the last blanket which was years ago. How can you demand your mom make you a baby blanket for a 10-year-old after she told you it hurts her to?" ~ JenicBabe
"I'm 12 years older than my cousin (my dad's brother's child). My cousin's mom threw a fit because my grandmother couldn't babysit my cousin when she was a baby like she did with me. She claimed it was favoritism and called my very loving grandmother some pretty cruel names over it."
"The difference was that in those 12 years, my grandmother's health really became an issue. She became diabetic and then contracted shingles. She was in a ton of pain for a long time. Her diabetes wouldn't allow the shingles to heal. She ended up with a bunch of long term health issues because of it."
"My grandmother never got over the heartache of not being able to help out with her youngest grandbaby." ~ RougeOne23456
"I was the youngest grandkid on one side of my family and the oldest on the other. Different experiences there, and that was very okay with me, even as a small child." ~ Ill_Writer_9306
"And something that's completely out of consideration here... does the kid even want a blanket? Does she feel left out? Or is it purely the adults in her life being entitled and making a big whoop out of something that's just not something OP is physically as capable of as she once was?" ~ HallowskulledHorror
"Both your son and DIL don't appear to have much respect for you, thinking that they have the right to tell you what to do. Hold on to that baby blanket."
"Would the parent of the tragically stillborn child ever be in the position to accept it? If not, discuss with that bereaved parent the idea of donating that blanket to a NICU unit or some other infant-centric cause. I have a suspicion that your son and DIL will now begin a campaign of pressuring the original recipient to get you to turn over the blanket. On principle...I wouldn't." ~ Ok-Trainer3150
"NTA. You do know that all of this is your son's fault, don't you? How does his wife even know about the blanket that was already made?
"What things did his in-laws give to the kids he already has? Have they matched everything they gave their other grandchildren?" ~ TheLastWord63
"NTA at all. Still births are really emotional and full of grief and it's incredibly insensitive of them to demand the blanket from you that was meant for a little one that never got to use it. I would say both your son and your DIL need to have a lot more empathy because that's just cruel."
"I can't imagine your daughter seeing Becky with that blanket and imagining her baby with it. And I especially can't believe that your son would not realize that doing something like that to his sister would really hurt her."
"Your DIL is acting in a disgusting way as well. And holding the threat of not being allowed to see the kids in exchange for the blanket is really crappy and manipulative. I suggest talking to other members of your family and see how they feel about this because they'll probably know the family dynamics better than me." ~ Someonearoundhere438
"NTA. Who wants a blanket meant for their passed on niece? Also my grandma made quilts for all the great-grandkids. 3 of them didn’t get one because once they were born, she could no longer quilt by hand."
"Those 3 (one was my youngest) got pieces of fabric she cut by hand and we all had quilts made out of the fabric. Is there someone else you know that could do something similar? New DIL already seems entitled and overbearing. What’s their plan if they have one together?" ~ Kat092620
OP isn't able to do the things she did when she was younger.
Punishing her for that is a real a**hole move.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp