It doesn't take a lot to ask grandparents to babysit their grandchildren.
As very little gets a grandparent more excited than spending time with their grandchildren.
That being said, grandparents babysitting does provide its fair share of challenges.
As they are getting older, they often don't have quite the same energy they used to, which can result in their needing a bit of extra help.
The in-laws of Redditor anonymeese24 offered to watch her son once a week.
While the original poster (OP) appreciated the offer, she also had some reservations about the arrangement.
Particularly when they asked if the OP could contribute some things to help them out.
Wondering if they were being unfair to their in-laws, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to purchase baby furniture for my in laws?"
The OP explained why they were less than willing to help out their in-laws:
"Husband (36 M[ale]) and I (31 F[emale]) had our first child just under a year ago."
"MIL & FIL were older parents."
"They adopted my husband in their late 30s."
"They both come from huge families & are over the moon to finally have a grandchild."
"They asked to watch our kiddo one day a week while we are at work."
"To be clear -we do not need them to, they asked if they could."
"To provide context: They are now in their 70s & slowing down."
" Mother-in-law (MIL) was recently diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's-dementia, & while she is still in a functioning phase, does need reminders."
"They are both retired & on a fixed income."
"Their home is 5-7minutes away from our home."
"Baby is now walking, eating solids, & taking two naps per day."
"I already bring all baby supplies for them each week: diapers, wipes, bottles, formula, meals, toys, books, extra clothes, changing pad, etc."
"MIL and Father-in-Law (FIL) have started asking us to provide them with baby furniture to keep at their house."
"They have asked us to buy them a wagon to be able to tote baby around outside (30lb baby is hard for them to carry around their yard), a highchair so they can feed him since he's too wiggly for them to feed on their laps, they currently have a pack n play but want us to replace it with a crib because they have trouble bending over the pack n play to lay baby down for naps, & a car seat so they can take 'field trips' (they are mall walkers & want to take baby with them)."
"Here's my problem-they only watch him one day a week & they want us to purchase all of these NOT cheap items to leave at their home."
"I already load and unload a ton of supplies at each home when I drop off/pick up."
"I have already provided toys, books, blankets, & baby proofing supplies for their home."
"Also, with MIL's diagnosis, I don't see them watching the baby without us much longer."
"FIL is already struggling to support MIL while also watching a VERY mobile baby."
"As a compromise, I suggested they stay with the baby at our home during the day."
"It's comfortable, has all the baby supplies they could need, we have a cleaner come by once a week, lots of food & snacks in the fridge & all of the same TV channels that they have."
"Plus, Plus-I could leave the car seat instead of having to purchase a second one or load it in and out of my car in the morning."
"But they are SO against this."
"It doesn't make any sense to me, and quite frankly, I'm frustrated."
"We live on a very tight budget & they want us to buy them basically a whole nursery."
"They also have specific requests for the type of furniture they want (lightweight, foldable or compact, easy to break down for when it's not in use the rest of the week, items that will grow with the baby so they can use it for a long time, etc."
"I'm scraping together money currently to purchase shoes and winter clothing for baby...& they are pressuring us hard for these items."
"AITA for not wanting to purchase these things, & insisting that they should watch him at our home?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community overwhelmingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to buy baby furniture for her in-laws' house.
In fact, nearly everyone felt that not only should the OP not buy baby furniture for her in-laws' home, but they also urged her to seriously consider how good an idea it was for in-laws to watch her son, based on her MIL's condition:
"NTA."
"With your MIL's diagnosis, they really shouldn't be babysitting anymore TBH. I suggest your husband has a frank conversation with his father about it in his next phase of their lives."- Used_Mark_7911
"The thing about these diagnoses, from what I understand, is that things can happen rather suddenly."
"You think someone is fine one day, and then literally the next day they are wandering the sidewalk because they can't remember which house is theirs."
"This is not a safe to leave the baby in NOW. Waiting until spring just isn't a good choice."
"It will be a hard conversation, but what if they leave the stove on or the water running with your child running around?"
"NTA."- flowerpetalizard
"NTA."
"But saying this, as the baby can walk, the crib mattress should be lower to the ground anyway so the side rails can keep the baby safe."
"Which brings you back to the point of them not being physically able to care for the baby for extended periods on their own."
"The lightweight easily foldable baby stuff that is safe for baby is expensive."
"You are at a crossroads."
"They love the baby but are not in a condition to be able to watch the baby on their own for extended periods anymore."
"Baby is a toddler....they are walking. "
"This is what I call the "danger zone" all the easily portable cute not so mobile baby time was a breeze compared to this."
"You're essentially on watch 24/7 to make sure the baby doesn't cause significant harm to themselves."
"You cannot afford to purchase these items."
"They can come to your baby-proofed home."- EquivalentTwo1
"NTA."
"But with the age and condition of all involved (baby and elders), they probably shouldn't be watching the baby alone."
"If MIL had an accident, would your FIL be able to call for aid, help her, and wrangle a toddler all at the same time?"
"What if FIL was the one who had the accident?"
"Would your MIL with Alzheimer's be able to handle a toddler and an emergency?"-Stoney_Wan_KaBlowme
There were a few who at least understood where the OP's in-laws were coming from, even if they still felt the OP should not buy furniture for their home:
"'MIL was recently diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's-dementia'."
"'MIL and FIL have started asking us to provide them with baby furniture to keep at their house'."
"Nope."
"Absolutely not."
"I would not let my mother do that because of an early stage of Alzheimer's diagnosis, which is not something to mess with...the point is, it's started and progressing."
"That puts her judgment entirely in jeopardy and your child with it."
"NAH...yet."
"You are not a TA for not investing in what sadly will be a short-term situation."
"By ALL means, have them over to see your child while you're there to ensure everyone's safety."-IamIrene
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and sharing how they intended to proceed:
"We will be purchasing a wagon and a high chair for them to keep so the baby can use it when we visit."
"We will not be getting the car seat or crib."
"I have discovered today that the amount of 'research' I have seen is not nearly enough to have a grasp of how Alzheimer's dementia could be affecting my MIL, even this quickly."
"The symptoms I am seeing are very, very mild, and we were under the impression that we had more time, especially since she was diagnosed by accident when having testing done for an unrelated health issue."
"We thought we had gotten lucky by getting ahead of it."
"Thank you all for sharing your stories, your gentle encouragement to take a harder look at things, and to have the hard conversations."
"We plan on setting a meeting with MIL's doctor to see how we can best support her moving forward, including the healthiest way for her to interact with our baby."
"As most of you have said, the doctor will most likely be in agreement with us in that MIL and FIL should visit, not babysit."
"But, hearing from so many of you how fitfully Alzheimer's dementia progresses, I am understanding that the anxiousness my gut was feeling that had guided us to go ahead and make the shift from caregiving to visits despite their protests is the right call."
"I have been blessed to not have many family members pass and have never really been around anybody with Alzheimer's dementia...until now."
"Looks like I have a lot to learn."
"And baby will be staying with us so grandparents can visit."
"Any tips on breaking the news to my in-laws with a firm kindness would be appreciated."
It is nice that the OP's in-laws wanted to help with her childcare and watch her toddler.
That said, it seems they are not really in a position to do so, even with the help of new baby furniture.
One can only hope the OP and her husband will come up with a solution that allows them to enjoy time with their grandchild while they still can.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp