Choosing the perfect wedding dress is key to making the day of matrimony an everlasting memory.
For one bride-to-be, picking the perfect wedding gown was a priority for her. But she set aside her preference in favor of an opportunity that she couldn't outright refuse.
However, an issue arose that led to not everyone smiling at the wedding.
After feeling conflicted about her decision, she visited the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
ThrwayStepSisDress asked:
"AITA for not wearing the wedding dress my stepsister handmade for me?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I (25F[female]) got married two weeks ago. My now-husband (27M[ale]) and I paid for most of the wedding, but my father covered a few costs for us."
"My father's girlfriend 'Stella' has a daughter, 'Zoey' (21F[female]), who is finishing her degree in fashion. She wants to get into the wedding dress industry once she graduates. When I started planning my wedding, she offered to design and make my dress."
"I was hesitant at first, as I'd been excited about picking out my own dress. I agreed because I didn't know Zoey well (my father had only been dating her mother for two years) and I thought this could be a nice opportunity to bond."
"Also, I'd seen some of her work (she'd made a couple ball gowns in college), and she seemed honestly good."
"We met up a few times to discuss our ideas. During those, I realized our styles were drastically different, but we still managed to agree on a design. I gave Zoey my measurements and asked her to update me."
But then things slowly started to unravel.
"She didn't."
"Whenever I asked her how she was doing, she'd say she would send me progress pictures when she got home (she never did). It took her longer than expected to finish it, and I didn't get the dress until a month before my wedding."
"It looked nothing like the design we'd agreed on. It was the wrong color, the wrong style, everything. It looked exactly like the type of dress Zoey would want to wear, but I knew I'd never wear anything like it. I really did not like that dress."
"When I tried it on, I found out it was also about 3 sizes too big. Though I knew I could probably have it altered, I truly did not want to wear that dress on my wedding day."
"I called Zoey and told her I wouldn't wear the dress. I said it looked lovely, but not the style we'd agreed on, and I thought it would be best for me to find a different dress. I offered to pay her for her work (she'd made the dress for free), but she declined and hung up on me."
"I went to a retail bridal store with my maid of honor, and we found a beautiful gown that didn't need much altering. It looked exactly like what I wanted."
There were repercussions.
"Fast forward to my wedding, I walked down the aisle in the dress I bought. Zoey seemed to be on the verge of tears during the ceremony, and Stella gave me dirty looks throughout the reception. When I approached them a while later, they were both short with me. My father, Stella and Zoey left less than an hour into the reception."
"My father and Stella called me the next day and told me off for how I'd treated Zoey. This had been her first time making a wedding dress and had been excited to see me wearing it. They said it was insulting of me to not wear the dress she'd put so much effort into."
"I tried to explain why I hadn't worn the dress, but they're both insisting the dress was beautiful and I could have sucked it up."
"My husband and my younger sister (not Zoey) are on my side. I've been feeling guilty about this since I decided not to wear the dress."
"AITA?"
Anonymous strangers weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
A majority of Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Zoey disrespected you by ignoring your wants. As a designer, she needs to listen to her clients. Plus her making the dress way too big means she isn't that great at it."
"Give the dress back to Zoey, and let her know that you appreciated the effort, but this was not the dress you wanted and the two of you agreed to. That you are sure she will find someone to appreciate the dress."
"As for her mom and your dad. Let them know that Zoey needs to listen to her clients. And that though you appreciate Zoey's efforts, it was not what you wanted and that as a client you don't need to suck it up. And that they should have learned to accept that people have a right to make their own choices. Especially regarding wedding dresses."
"Honestly wondering if Zoey did this on purpose to get attention during your wedding." – Popular-Jaguar-3803
"As a family/friends seamstress and former alterations person, this jumped out at me. If she is a trained designer, even at 21, there's no way the size was a mistake."
"OP is naive and feeling guilty but Popular-Jaguar-3803 is spot on. OP was played. Zoey never intended for OP to wear the dress, it was made for whoever she knows that is the size she made it! She decided that very early on - when she cast the agreed upon design aside and sketched this new one, drafted the pieces, continually measuring as she went, and made a muslin mock-up which the bride (whomever she was) then tried on."
"When creating with expensive material, you never lay shears to it until it is certain that the muslin fits perfectly. It was NOT that she made a few changes here & there as she went and it magically morphed into a different design 3 sizes too big. She obviously knew OP couldn't wear it but she rather than admitting she dropped the ball entirely (and be judged for it) she pretended that she completed the dress and OP rudely rejected it, betting on the fact that you would never expose what she did."
"As a designer she would have been mortified if everyone saw her ill-fitting creation on you! AND there was no need for her to well-up with tears a full month after you rejected the dress, during your wedding and purposefully drawing attention away from the bride. She made a scene on purpose, again, creating the narrative that OP is not just wrong, but mean and hurtful - see the tears???"
"Her mother expected OP to wear Zoey's dress and any sane daughter would have told her long before the wedding that wasn't happening after all. But if mom knew a month in advance, Zoey would have had no shock value, no venom to whisper in mom's ear, no reason to create drama."
"NTA ThrwayStepSisDress but Zoey is beyond! Breaking her promise and leaving you w/o a wedding dress but not even admitting it let alone apologizing wasn't enough for Zoey - she needed to bring crazy drama to your wedding and the family too? Condolences Zoey, congrats on hubby!" – JustWatchin2021
"NTA."
"Yup. At some point in the process, she decided that she knew better and set out to make a dress that she thought would be more fashionable and closer to her own aesthetic. That's why she didn't send photos or do fittings."
"It may well have been finished earlier, but she waited until there was just a month left thinking that the bride would have no choice but to accept it. She would then be able to make last minute alterations."
"She may have had a fantasy of the bride walking down the aisle, getting lots of praise, and her being able to take complete credit for her 'vision.' Bride put a hard stop to that, and she's angry because she's essentially a spoiled child who didn't get her way."
"She probably doesn't understand that she needs to tailor a dress to the needs of the client because she thinks her sense of style/fashion is superior, and she doesn't think she needs to listen to others." – Cat-Lady-13
"NTA - Most of the friends that I had who were like this are now former friends. They don't listen when I point out that we have already discussed this exact thing a dozen times and I don't want to hear any more about it!"
"They interpret my life for me, and don't listen when I tell them that, actually, that isn't how I feel."
"One of them was always proposing virtuous things that I should do, although she had no intention of doing them herself; my becoming a vegetarian was a favorite. One evening the two of us were eating alone, in a restaurant with plenty of vegetarian/vegan options, when, in between bites of her meat entree, she told me that vegetarianism was the only moral way to live and I should be a vegetarian."
"When I pointed out that she was not a vegetarian, she couldn't see what that had to do with anything." – NobodyButMyShadow
Overall, Redditors remained on her side.
Hopefully, now that the wedding day has come and gone, the disappointed individuals can move on from the conflict and be happy for the newlyweds.
Congrats to the happy couple.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp