Content Warning: Estrangement, No Contact, Parental Death
When we suddenly lose someone that we love, every person is going to react to that event and process that grief differently.
But we should never push our style of grief onto someone else, even if it would make our own lives easier, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Not only did Redditor Dense-Ad6249 lose his father, but his mother soon pushed to remove any memory or mention of him from their home, specifically so she could move on and remarry with a “clean” slate.
It became so bad, the Original Poster (OP) decided the parent who needed to be erased from his life was his mother, no matter how many important life events he experienced without her.
He asked the sub:
“AITA for issuing a warning to my maternal relatives that they can be uninvited from my wedding at any time?”
The OP had been estranged from his mother for more than a decade.
“I’m (28 Male) getting married next year. I am 100% no contact with my mother and have been for the past 10 years and I have not lived in her house in 12 years (yes, at 16, I was living somewhere other than with her).”
“That no contact is not changing for anything and yes, she has attempted to reach out and make amends in that time but I am not interested and have continued to keep all points of contact between us closed.”
“This includes the family on her side I do talk to (mainly her parents, two of her siblings, and her two siblings five kids aka my cousins). I talk to them because they were there for me.”
The OP decided it was more important to keep memories alive than that relationship.
“The reason for the estrangement? I don’t like who she became after my dad died.”
“I was eight when he passed, and when I was nine, my mom suddenly announced that all photos of Dad, all of his clothes and possessions, and anything to do with him were being boxed up and sent to his parents.”
“She wanted us to move on from Dad, she wanted to be married again, and she didn’t want her new husband to be uncomfortable seeing her dead husband’s face everywhere. She also wanted me to like and love whoever she married and didn’t want me to cling to a dead man who was not coming back and was no longer part of our lives.”
“She refused to let me have a photo or two for my room and told me she would not fight with me and had already fought with his parents because they were outraged she wanted to throw all of his stuff and photos in the trash.”
“From that day on, my mom was cold toward me if I even attempted to bring up my dad.”
“She did remarry, and she had three (possibly more after I left) more kids.”
“She married a man who was bitter that I wouldn’t call him dad and refused to change my last name to his and accept him adopting me. My mother was furious with me for stopping the adoption. They had spent thousands on a lawyer who they felt would be able to push it through regardless of my feelings.”
“When I moved out at 16, I spent two weeks with my maternal grandparents before going to my paternal grandparents, and the relatives I mentioned above continued being supportive and understanding even after I left the state.”
But the OP’s maternal in-laws changed their tune when the OP was getting married.
“But now that has changed. They brought up inviting my mother and her family to my wedding several times, and I told them nothing had changed for me.”
“They would try to make persuasive arguments as to why I should invite her and let her be there for this day.”
“I got a little firmer with them and then they changed course and said that I should invite her other children with them, so we can have a relationship. I refused that too.”
“Then they brought up how important it is to invite my mother.”
“That was when I told them that if they bring it up again or try anything to get her there, they can be uninvited. I told them I would make them leave on the day if I had to.”
“They told me there was no reason to be so harsh toward them.”
“AITA?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he didn’t have to turn his wedding into a time of reconciliation.
“Just say, ‘My wedding is to celebrate my and my significant other’s love. It is not a day to attempt a family reconciliation.'”
“In addition to being against your wishes, you simply will not have time for them.”
“Stand strong! NTA.” – S4zippyzoo
“Your Wedding…Your Rules.”
“A Wedding is not the place to make amends for past hurt! If you choose to re-engage, do it on a different occasion. Just my Two Cents.”
“Congrats on your upcoming nuptials! May you have a fabulous fun day without stress or pressures from anyone!”
“NTA.” – Trick_Parsley_3077
“NTA, who you choose to invite to your wedding is only up to you and your fiance. The question of inviting your mother was asked and answered, they need to drop it.”
“It wasn’t harsh of you to say you keep pushing your agenda and I have repeatedly told you no, you are not listening to MY wishes for MY wedding so the consequence of not dropping it is you don’t want their presence either. Choices mean consequences.”
“It doesn’t matter if there was a possibility of having a relationship now or in the future. It isn’t their choice to make, isn’t their responsibility to be her champion or acceptable to keep forcing the issues. You made a decision about the things that were important to you and seems like you feel it is the best decision for you and your future. That is good enough and they should be accepting of it.”
“I find it odd that people think special events like this, which celebrate a milestone in someone’s life are a good place for a reunion. It simply isn’t, it makes a happy and memorable moment of your life awkward and stressful.” – WesternGanache4087
“NTA. You tried to be polite, and their response was to refuse to accept the answer and try harassing you into changing your mind. Harassment means the gloves come off, and if they don’t like harshness, well, they shouldn’t have started the fight. They are the rude ones, not you.” – Normal-Height-8577
“NTA. You and only you decide who can and who can’t come to your wedding. Uninvite all who don’t respect your opinions and choices.”
“They have no right to tell you anything about your relationship with your mom, this is why parents need to be careful how they treat their kids as when these kids become adults they will decide if they actually still have parents or not.” – forgeris
Others agreed and pointed out that the OP did, in fact, have to be harsh with his family.
“NTA. I personally would have done the same… If they are not capable of respecting your boundaries, you cut them off.”
“People need to stop with the ‘but it’s family’ bulls**t. Some DNA in common makes you blood-related but not family! One needs to behave like family to be considered as such!” – Sad_Consequence392
“You set a hard boundary from the get-go. They didn’t like that and are probably hoping for some kind of big family now and have never given up hope for it and were probably hoping this would be a changing point.”
“Good on you and keep those boundaries firm.” – igwbuffalo
“OP’s father was family but OP’s mother wanted to wipe any reminder or memory of him almost immediately to move on to another relationship. OP wiping her from his life is karmic.” – lemon_charlie
“Oh no, there are a million reasons to be harsh with them, since they don’t (don’t want to) understand when you’re polite. Many interpret kindness as a sign of giving in, so better to make the situation clear.”
“However, have you considered that by inviting your maternal relatives, some of your wedding photos will end up with your mother and half-siblings? Because the relatives will surely take photos and then, having a relationship with your mother, they will share them.”
“You have to consider whether this is okay for you or whether it bothers you… I don’t know, maybe you don’t want your mother to see your girlfriend so she can contact her to try to get to you. Have you thought about it?”
NTA.” – 000-Hotaru-Tomoe
“I’d say there’s a difference between harsh and blunt. Since they were not taking the polite way you were saying it, you were clear and to-the-point about your expectations and the consequences. I actually don’t care if it’s harsh, I think it’s fair to clearly articulate your wants, especially in regards to a wedding day.” – IconicTayQuestion
Some agreed with all of the above and urged the OP to look into wedding security options.
“Is security in the budget and/or are you and your fiancee open to a destination wedding where only the select few that you want there can definitely come or elope?”
“I have a strong feeling your maternal family is going to try to bring your mom and her family in as their plus-ones.” – Storms_and_Rainbows
“NTA. What is it about people’s fantasies of a happy reconciled family, that they stop seeing reality and think they can impose on others so they can get that Hallmark moment?”
“You will need some appointed ‘guards’ at your wedding because it doesn’t seem like people are going to give up (and since your mother will be informed where and when, she might just show up of her own volition). Honestly, expect drama (unless you elope).” – ParsiminiousSalad
“Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. If I were you, I would hire security because you never know your family might just bring your mother and half-siblings to your wedding, thinking that you won’t make a scene and you will just put up with it.”
“Good luck and please update us to let us know what happens.” – lynnebrad70
“NTA. It seems like you might want to consider having some sort of security at your wedding, if only so you can make d**n sure that someone doesn’t try to pull a stunt, such as trying to sneak your egg donor into the venue while you’re not paying attention.” – Jaded-Permission-324
“NTA. It’s your wedding. No one other than you and your fiancée have any right to say who you should or shouldn’t invite.”
“It’s possible your mom’s family is getting pressure from her directly to be invited. It may be worth sitting down with them to reinforce your boundaries with regard to your mom.”
“People expect weddings to be this magical moment when all family issues disappear and it’s a love fest, but they’re not.”
“Given your mom’s past behavior, if invited she’d likely show up and tell other guests her husband is your dad, leading to other issues. Can you imagine her trying to butt in on the father-daughter dance?”
“As it is, you may need to have a plan in place if she shows up at your wedding uninvited. Have someone guard the door if it’s in your budget, or take something off to add it to the budget. You don’t want her to ruin the memory of your special day the way she attempted to ruin the memory of your father.” – GingerWhoDrinksTeaaaa
The subReddit was overwhelmingly sad for the OP and all he had to go through, and how his family was changing their loyalties now that he was getting married.
It seemed he needed to do whatever he needed to do to preserve the special day with his future wife, from setting boundaries to sending disinvitations to hiring guards to throw out disrespectful people. Someone had already tried to bury the memory of his family; he didn’t need someone trying to taint the first day of the rest of his life with his wife.