Setting boundaries with family isn't always easy.
Family will not always understand, or sometimes just choose to eschew boundaries.
This can be painfully true with in-laws.
Some in-laws will always find a way to ingratiate themselves.
Bring on the drama.
Redditor Zealousideal_Zone847 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole"(AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
""AITA? I politely declined an invitation from my in-laws to stay in our wedding anniversary cabin?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I posted pictures on F[ace]b[ook] of my husband and me on our wedding anniversary getaway to a lake (including one photo of the cabin we rented)."
"Now my in-laws want us to pay to take them to that same cabin to have a getaway with them."
"First of all, I don’t want to stay anywhere with them overnight because they are controlling, manipulative narcissists."
"Second of all, that cabin is special to us."
"I replied, 'We’re so glad you loved the cabin photos. We will keep that specific spot reserved just for our special trips, so we're going to pass on a group trip there. Let's figure out a fun day to get together for hanging out soon, though!'"
"My in-laws just lost it at this response and say I’m selfish, but I’m trying to be more proactive with setting boundaries with them."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"Where is your husband???"
"He should be dealing with the sh*t HIS parents are talking." ~ Quirky_Living2895
"Time for the husband to control his family. NTA." ~ mdmartini
"NTA But, if husband isn't dealing with his family and that's getting left to you, you don't have an in-law problem."
"You have a husband problem."
"He needs to be the one navigating boundaries for you as a family when it is his family."
"And you should be doing it for your family." ~ Dalyro08
"Yes, you should ignore them."
"Mute them all on your phone and don’t respond."
"Make them his problem. NTA." ~ Gringa-Loca26
"I mean... that sounds like the solution there."
"From what you described, these people are not the kind you can sit down, have a calm, rational discussion with, and then they walk away seeing your point, happy with the outcome."
"Your husband ignores them because it works."
"You are engaging them, and it is not working."
"You need to learn how to grey rock, then grey rock them and ignore them, while tossing the ball back at your husband."
"Anytime they bring something up, deflect it back to him."
"I'm going to go with ESH, because it seems like you already have the solution to the problem, you are just too polite to use it." ~ Ace_Warwick
"Refuse to engage with them then."
"You have no obligation to them, he does."
"Sounds like he may be willing to go N[o] C[ontact], perhaps you should too." ~ lostintime2004
"Well, you said they are narcissistic, and they just did the most narcissistic thing by deflecting your decline as your fault."
"Smile like nothing happened and grey rock the heck out of them."
"Good luck. NTA." ~ wise_hampster
"Grey rocking is okay for future plans with your husband, but the real question is, where's your husband while his mom is trash-talking you?"
"You say she tried to meet up on your actual honeymoon MANY YEARS AGO, which means he has let this treatment go on for YEARS!?!"
"Girl, you have a HUSBAND problem, not just an in-law problem."
"He should have shut this sh*t down when it first started, which sounds like a long time ago."
"Why are you still interacting with this woman?"
"You need to let your husband deal with them, and if they refuse to stop the insults, then YOUR HUSBAND really needs to initiate some serious boundaries and minimize y'all's contact." ~ Dewhickey76
"Exactly! This was a very predictable response."
"And it seems like it worked, because it made OP feel bad."
"Grey rocking is the way to go."
"That and letting them manage their feelings." ~ jamkey2222
"NTA. Your response was friendly, clear, and you offered an alternative way to spend time together."
"Not wanting to stay overnight with people you've described as controlling and manipulative is a completely valid boundary, and protecting something meaningful to you and your husband isn't selfish."
"Their reaction is more about your boundary than about anything you actually did wrong." ~ jezuzcrize
"NTA for not wanting to pay to take them."
"I assume you don't own the cabin; they can go and pay for themselves." ~ AnySandwich4765
"NTA. Narcissists try to use things you like to lure you into doing things you wouldn’t do otherwise."
"They also use this tactic to taint things you like, so you can’t enjoy them without them."
"This is a perfectly good boundary to set."
"A cabin that’s suitable for a couple’s retreat will not have the same space you’d want to vacation with your in-laws." ~ Alyx19
"NOPE, you handled this perfectly, that's your lovie cabin and those people should stay away and understand so."
"Maybe ask hubby to plan a beach trip for y'all??"
"Which, of course, his mom will plan, and you shouldn't be out a dime! Ha ha!" ~ Buga99poo27GotNo464
"NTA. Your in-laws asked, and you politely said no."
"That’s completely reasonable."
"An invitation isn’t an obligation."
"Your response was respectful and clear."
"You explained that the cabin is special to you and your husband, and even suggested getting together another way."
"Wanting to keep an anniversary getaway spot just for the two of you isn’t selfish."
"Lots of couples have places or traditions they reserve for themselves."
"The fact that they became angry and called you selfish doesn’t mean your boundary was wrong."
"It just means they didn’t like hearing 'No.”
"The only thing that may have stung was the wording about keeping the cabin 'reserved' for your special trips, but even then, their reaction seems disproportionate." ~ enoughbrilliantt
"NTA, but your husband needs to step up and deal with his own parents."
"Suggest to him that he comes up with something that you and he are both happy to host - whether that's a picnic in a local park, or a meal out somewhere that's well within your budget."
"For the cabin - surely something suitable for the two of you as a couple wouldn't be suitable for twice the number of people anywhat, and them expecting you to pay for them is weird." ~ ProfessorYaffle1
"NTA. You gave a polite and firm response with the opening to do something else with them; that's exactly how you turn something down kindly."
"We all get to say no, and you did it exactly right."
"Now, do not engage further, as there is nothing else to speak about."
"Your husband can handle his family going forward." ~ mfruitfly
"I think the focus here is on the wrong thing: the cabin."
"It's not your special cabin; it's a rental."
"You may love it and want to spend every anniversary of your married life in it, but it isn't yours."
"It's a rental."
"If they want to stay there, they are free to contact the owner and pay for it themselves."
"They are free to invite you to join them, but you are under no obligation to accept their invitation."
"Your focus should be squarely on 'I don’t want to stay anywhere with them overnight because they are controlling, manipulative narcissists.'"
"If your husband isn't aware of your feelings, tell him."
"Then allow him to deal with his parents."
"Don't reply to their posts or respond to direct texts that put you between them and your husband. NTA." ~ nofaves
"NTA and not even close."
"They asked you to pay for them to travel to the cabin, then have the nerve to call you selfish when you didn't want to cater to them?"
"That is the definition of a narcissist to me."
"My dad is just like that."
"I'd laugh and them and silence their messages and calls for a period of time to let them get it all out." ~ TheDarkHelmet1985
"It’s your wedding anniversary."
"The entire point of an anniversary trip is to spend quality, intimate time with your spouse - not to host your in-laws."
"There is absolutely nothing impolite about setting a basic boundary to protect your marriage's special milestones."
"If they want a cabin trip, they can book their own weekend." ~ mux111
"NTA. Try smirking while mentioning that it WAS an anniversary getaway, so obviously you spent that time having sex on every available surface inside and within 50 yards of the cabin."
"Ask gently if they need to consult with a therapist or physician about their sex lives." ~ bunnycook
"NTA. Let them be mad. It doesn't matter."
"You don't need to appease them, and appeasing them would only make you miserable, so why do it?"
"To buy short-term peace?"
"It would only be short-term anyway, with them soon resorting to the same tactics that were successful last time." ~ kurokomainu
"NTA, you can't control them, only your own actions, and it looks like you know that."
"Happy to reassure you that you haven't done anything wrong."
"Toxic people take boundaries as an attack; let them."
"I consider it a testament to one's own strength not to allow anyone's behavior to make you act out of character."
"Be proud of yourself and relieved that your backbone has saved you from spending a miserable weekend overwriting beautiful memories of that place that is so special to you!" ~ tarak8isgr8
Reddit has your back, OP.
Your in-laws are so out of line.
In fact, they have no line.
It's sad that they made your special occasion about them.
Stay strong and enjoy your happy place.
